Wednesday, April 30, 2003
This past Sunday, April 27th, I trudged the 26.2 miles of the NJ marathon in approximately 7 hours and 25 minutes.
As herds of fine-tuned athletes thundered past me, I walked along at my tortoise pace.
As the occasional hand-pedaled tricycle piloted by a courageous differently-abled athlete who was too busy laughing in the face of adversity to bother STEERING AROUND THE BIG SLOW-WALKING DUDE HUGGING THE EDGE OF THE CURB ON THE GIANT OPEN ROAD nearly ran me over time and time again, I kept on walking.
And walking.
And walking.
After the marathon's time-limit had expired, and the roads were once again opened to automobile traffic, I kept on walking.
After the volunteers who were supposed to tell the marathoners where to go had all left their posts, I KEPT ON WALKING.
Yes, I managed to walk just a little bit longer than a full marathon - probably a total of 26.4 miles or so, because no one was around at the end of the race. Finally, after one of the organizers noticed me wandering the wrong way, she pointed me in the right direction, and I strode in to a nearly empty high school football stadium, that just hours earlier had apparently been filled with cheering supporters.
YES, there were others who finished after me, and yes many of them were healthy and bipedal. And yes, there were those who never even finished the race.
But I finished it, and I've got the medal to prove it. And one of those cool silver blanket thingies. I've also got terrible sunburn, blisters on my feet, and all sorts of cramps in interesting new places. Oh yeah, one other thing I've learned from this experience - if you do any activity for long enough, you will develop "deeply personal chafing." It has proven true with my previous hobbies of Thigh Fiddling, Sandpaper Jockeying, Pencil Pouncing, Startling The Captive Porcupine With My Figurative Snake And Its Two Kiwi-Like Henchmen, and now Walking A Marathon.
Anyhow, the race is over, but you can still donate to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to support it! I have until May 27th to collect donations, so let me know if you feel like throwing a few bucks towards a good cause. I've already done the race, so it may feel a bit anti-climactic at this point, but I can personally vouch for this particular organization. I've seen firsthand how well they have their shit together.
And if you've already donated, thanks for the help. I have much to write about the race, and I'm still composing my thoughts. Great experience, and a bit of humor to be mined from it. Tomorrow.
posted by Andres at 3:17 AM
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
It turns out I wasn't a nude weatherman, just a weatherman with nothing on from the waist down. I was in studio 6A for over two hours, and the shoot itself was probably about a minute. No dialogue. No direction. No cues. Just a writer sort of vaguely telling me what he wanted at the same time that the cameraman said "rolling". I sort of gestured a couple of times and that was it. It'll probably take up about 3 seconds of screen time. I'm the guy wearing a maroon polo shirt and nothing else (I was wearing a rather uncomfortably tight dance belt). Here's something I never thought I'd hear in my professional career:
"I'll take your robe whenever you feel comfortable."
Whew.
posted by Andres at 5:42 PM
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
Who ARE you people? Why the heck are you coming to this place? This place is terrible. It is crap! Garbage! Why aren't you somewhere fucking? I don't feel like finishing that Homeland Security thing. Couldn't you see it was utter pathetic crap? I'm tired of you people.
That was my impression of The Creepy Art Teacher From "Six-Feet Under".
posted by Andres at 11:40 PM
So, tomorrow I'm shooting a segment for Conan in which I play (if I did indeed understand the casting person correctly) a nude weatherman. Yep. I'll be wearing nothing but a dance belt, which they will then pixelate to make it appear as if I am nude. Oh sweet Jesus this should be embarrassing. One time I did a scene completely nude in front of an acting class, but that was back when I was in much, MUCH better physical shape than I am right now. Much. I'll let you know how it turns out, and if they tell me when the segment will be on.
posted by Andres at 1:18 PM
COFFEE PLUS CHOCOLATE MAKES ME FEEL HA HA HA YES SO VERY HA HA! Ahem. Now then.
Here's more of me slogging through this Dept. of Homeland Security article written from the point of view of the Homeland Secretary...ROUGH DRAFT!
Emergency Preparedness and Response
We must be prepared for the inevitability that no matter how many people we pre-emptively kill, there will still be those who hate us. In the unlikely event that one of these people is able to carry out an attack on us on our own soil, we must have the personnel, facilities and procedures in place to swiftly save as many lives as possible. For example, right now I'm watching CNN, and it seems that some envelopes filled with botulism and/or plague have been found in Tacoma. Hmm. My phone's not ringing yet. I'm sure it will start ringing soon. Um. Well, let me just keep writing then. Feeling ORANGE!
FEMA. Nope, it's not a bone in your leg, it's the Federal Emergency Management Agency! Whether it's a fire, a flood, an earthquake, or a small single-prop plane equipped with a tennis ball practice cannon loaded with tennis balls that themselves are filled with tiny, anthrax-dusted nails (I'm not afraid to follow my imagination into scary places), FEMA will be there to respond!
DEPT. OF "THERE ARE SNAKES!" Let's be honest here. There are snakes. And the Department of Homeland Security's Dept. of "There Are Snakes!" will work hard to make sure that we are constantly on guard for snakes. Of which there are many. Now, not all of the snakes are poisonous, but they are all snakes, and that's something in and of itself. Snakes!
THE WHAT IF BUREAU. What if the terrorists figured out how to turn rats into grenades? What if they put pop rocks in all of our soda? What if they invented some sort of "Can't Stop Giving The Finger To Guys Twice My Size" Ray? What if they figured out how to communicate with each other using coded "shout outs" on TRL? What if...well, you get the point. The boys (and gals) in the W.I.B. will spend their days concocting wild scenarios and making sure the terrorists don't surprise us with some outlandish strategy.
to be even more continued...this article is becoming very Mementoish
posted by Andres at 11:54 AM
Here's a very rough draft of a piece that may or may not, in some further-to-be-edited-and-revised-alot form, appear in Jest magazine in May or June. I think it needs plenty of work, but that's why it's called a rough draft.
Let’s face it. Home security systems are baffling. They’re complicated to install, difficult to operate, and unreliable to boot. But today, IT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER TO ENSURE THAT ARABS DON'T KILL YOUR FAMILY. Hi there! I’m Tom Ridge, your new Secretary of Homeland Security! In a way, the newly formed Department of Homeland Security is the home security system for this whole country, and it’s my job to make sure that the darned thing works properly. As we all know from the frustrating experiences we’ve had with the security systems in our own homes, that’s no easy task. Faulty wiring, sticky panels, inconsistent zone reads and energetic pets are just a few of the many factors that can contribute to a false alarm, or even worse, no alarm at all. It’s one thing if the family terrier’s insatiable curiosity about blinking red buttons leads to a burglary or the abduction and subsequent rape and murder of a child, but on a National level, an unreliable security system is simply something that we can not afford. Instead of a thief or perv, we could be talking about an 18-wheeler filled with plutonium, or a Saudi with a smallpox blowdart. I’m just saying is all! Hey, I know what you’re thinking. “Whoah there Tom, slow down! Aren’t you being a bit of an alarmist wink wink?” Hey, good one. But if I’m just being an alarmist, then SARS isn’t a genetically-engineered Trojan Horse that the Chinese have been developing for decades, and Tony Danza isn’t a total retard! Boom, score one for the Ridgester. The point is, CODE RED! CODE RED! Hey, got ya again. That’s two for Ridgey. Seriously, the point is, there’s more to be scared of than you can possibly imagine, and it’s my job to make sure that these countless terrible things stay on the filthier continents. To do this, I’ve taken this country’s already impressive arsenal of existing resources, added a few new departments and agencies of my own invention, and organized them all under the Homeland Security umbrella. The result? Well, let's just say that after everything is up and running, the U.S.A. may very well become the most powerful and safe nation in the world! Here is a basic outline of how the Department of Homeland Security will be organized, including my own notes:
Border and Transportation Security
Here’s where it all starts. If the terrorists can’t get into the country, then they can’t blow up Wrigley Field on June 12th. Oops, I’ve said too much! :)
U.S. COAST GUARD. Prepare to be boarded! The United States has approximately 95,000 miles of coastline, and our Coast Guard has over 1,400 vessels at its disposal. That's less than 70 miles per boat, and that's as close to airtight as you can get. Don't believe me? Just ask this turtle!The last time I checked, most terrorists are larger and therefore easier to spot than sea turtles! "But Tom", you say, "that turtle was ensnared in some fishing line with an activated emergency homing beacon, whereas most terrorists would probably take great care to NOT be carrying an activated homing beacon with them!" And to you I say, 'ORANGE'. Moving on!
THE INS. Does your busboy seem dazed? Is a certain Major League shortstop listing to one side on the field? Is the guy making that fresh guacamole at your table twitching? Well, that's because all immigrants from some of the "less punctual" countries are now outfitted with powerful cameras and hardrives, right in their brains! And left shoulders. The collective video we pull from these multiple sources will be dumped into a single computer for analysis. Let's hope we don't get lots of repeat footage of the insides of beer bottles! Also, all muslims already in America will be required to register with the INS. Failure to do so will result in their arrest and interrogation. Compliance will also result in their arrest and interrogation.
TOO MANY VINNIES. This new department is one of my favorites. Thanks to advances in cloning technology and several thousand miles of velvet rope, New Jersey's top bouncer will be stationed every 15 feet along our borders with Mexico and Canada, clipboard in hand, and ready to say "Sorry, you're not on the list." He will also be allowed to shoot people.
TINY TOILET PIRATES. The terrorists need to do #2 just like the rest of us, and when they do, it's "Ahoy thar, prepare to be boarded! ARR!" The TTPs are ready to help us tackle the threat of terrorism from the inside out!
rough draft! rough I say! To be continued…
posted by Andres at 2:26 AM
Sunday, April 20, 2003
I was very skeptical when I heard about Bloomberg's plan to close down several firehouses in NYC, but I am even more worried by his recent announcement that those firehouses are going to be replaced by large, unattended, raging bonfires. This can only lead to trouble. I also disagree with his plan to replace the entire police department with a Playstation2 that has been dipped in apple juice. The juice-soaked unit will not only be unable to prevent crime or enforce the law, but will undoubtedly provide sporadic and unreliable gameplay. Also, I am against Bloomberg's recent plan for me to never get off my ass. I really want to get off my ass, and it's totally his fault that I am simply not getting off.
My ass.
posted by Andres at 1:21 PM
Welcome, EASTER! Easter, you are the second most-important holiday in the life of a chocolate-lover. Today I shall buy one of those Cadbury eggs and think to myself, "Thank goodness millions of people the world over mistakenly think that an important historical figure actually (get this) rose from the dead once! Whatev, for me it just means an excuse to eat some chocolate! WOO HOO! Only six months to Halloween!
posted by Andres at 11:02 AM
Saturday, April 19, 2003
Alright, it's not the prettiest, but I am slowly adding functionality (and personality!) to this new template. Though I'm not positive I want to keep the current title and description. Maybe you'd like to comment? Now with emoticons!
Last night I saw an advertisement for a new television movie that, for all intents and purposes, looks to be a variation on the popular Teen Wolf formula, except instead of werewolves, it involves leprechauns. The film is called The Luck Of The Irish, and from what I could tell from the commercial, it's about a teenager that finds out he's a leprechaun in high school. He starts to shrink, grow pointy ears, etc. If it turns out to be a hit, maybe we can look forward to some OTHER films in which the puberty/sexual awakening phase of a teen's life is fantastically illustrated via some sort of monster/myth parallel:
Centaurs Don't Cry - Just as Pete begins to accept his new life as a centaur, he is raped and killed.
Wyvern Goes To Camp - What's the worst time to unexpectedly transform into a flying beast? Summer camp!
Damn Githyanki - He's the best pitcher on the team, and now he's turning into an extraplanar humanoid!
1,412 Candles - Her family forgot her birthday. Her 1,412th birthday! Uh, it's a mummy movie.
That Will Never Fit In There Whoah You've Proven Me Wrong #83 - this title belongs in a different list.
And so on! Someone with the time and energy could certainly come up with several more humorous titles were they not about to step out to buy ice cream. Mmm.
posted by Andres at 10:38 PM
And now, AN ACTUAL POORLY WRITTEN AMATEUR PORN PHOTO CAPTION:
We have decided to compare our tits. To understand whose it is more beautiful? On your view whose tits more sexly. I offer to arrange voting. The boys we like you, not looking on that that we now like one another, in our life there is a place to the men with the live hot penises.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.
posted by Andres at 3:47 AM
Thursday, April 17, 2003
Nope, they're back! Yay!
posted by Andres at 11:44 AM
And the archives are fucked up again. Yeesh.
posted by Andres at 11:44 AM
So much for posting every day. But I'm trying here!
posted by Andres at 11:42 AM
And now, TIDBITS!
Has anyone seen that 7-Up commercial with the bear going to the bathroom in the creek? I sure hope that bear doesn't get typecast!
Hey, looks like the archives are back!
I've said it before and I'll say it again: in my personal encyclopedia, the entry for 'CHAMPION' contains two illustrations. A portrait of Michael Jordan, and a photo of a pint of Chubby Hubby ice cream! And let me tell you, that page is stained, my friends!
Dear Bernie Mac - you have the funniest show on tv!
For my money, you can't buy a better diecast metal toy car than a Matchbox car!
Have you heard the new Coldplay album? It's so good, I can't stop coldplaying it!
With my farmer's tan, crewcut and full beard, I look like G.I. Joe! But fat. Time to lead a taskforce against the stronghold of fat C.O.B.R.A.!
I'm in first place in my fantasy baseball league! Thank you Jake Peavy!
John Adams, now there was a patriot!
Masturbation. 'Nuff said!
Has anyone seen that Xerox commercial with the bear going to the bathroom in the creek? Wait a sec...hey did I call it or what? Hey bear, say hello to Bob Denver for me!
Hey Gevalia Kaffe voice over lady...YOU SUCK! I'll bet you could say anything and make it sound pretentious. "Try the rich, delicious flavor of a Chunky Bar. Only Chunky will do." Holy shit! She did it! Now I think Chunky Bars are for snoots!
Galactica 1980!
I've had so much coffee this morning, I bet I look like one of those Squigglevision cartoons!
Dandelion, or GRASS KILLING MACHINE?
Once, just once, I'd like to punch someone in one of my dreams and have the punch actually land. Just once!
Uh oh, looks like someone has potency issues!
Have you seen the new issue of Obsidian Potency Digest? The centerfold isn't bi-fold or even tri-fold, it's a twelve panel foldout! Yep, one for each month of the calendar! COCK calendar, that is!
SARS!
Attention people of Iraq! We will be switching back over to the Laci Peterson story now. Good luck to you!
posted by Andres at 10:39 AM
AARGH!! Like removing your loved one's bra, this blog stuff can sometimes be as frustrating as it is rewarding. This morning, when I dialed-up, my blog had been replaced by a powder-pink site with little pink and purple bunnies in the upper righthand corner. And the many posts were certainly not by me. I didn't take the time to read the stuff, but I did catch the one sentence:
"Dear Bernie Mac - you have the funniest show on tv!"
Anyway, this was all very baffling, as the web address in the little browser window at the top of the screen still read http://dubouchet.blogspot.com. No matter how many times I refreshed the page, there was the pink Bernie Mac loving page with the little bunnies. SO, I had to go into blogger.com and republish the site. And my site came back! WOO! But now the majority of the archives are gone. And republishing the archives doesn't seem to be doing anything.
Maybe I shouldn't have switched templates. Grrr.
posted by Andres at 10:06 AM
Monday, April 14, 2003
How do you like the new look? It'll be a pain to reset the links and comments from the previous version, but I like the organization of this template better, especially with regards to archive accessibility.
NERD!
posted by Andres at 9:46 PM
ANNOUNCEMENT!
GIANT TUESDAY NIGHT OF AMAZING INVENTIONS AND ALSO THERE IS A GAME!!! will be returning to the St. Marks Theater on Tuesday, May 13th, and then running there every Tuesday night at 8pm through July 29th. And then taking a few weeks off. And then coming back in the Fall for many many more weeks after that. We're excited. So, to recap:
GTNOAIAATIAG!!!
Tuesdays @ 8pm
May 13th - July 29th
St. Marks Theater
94 St. Marks Place (1/A)
$5
b.y.o.b.
It's not even funny how funny these shows are going to be.
posted by Andres at 1:00 AM
Sunday, April 13, 2003
A friend of mine just sent me a link to this site:
WeLoveTheIraqiInformationMinister.com
Excellent. That's what I love about the internet. For every single topic, no matter how narrowly focused, there is someone out there with web programming skills and the desire, focus and TIME to put together a comprehensive, thorough, interesting, exhaustive and sometimes amusing website. Here is one such site. My little post from a few days ago stands humbled. God Bless America.
I'm going to walk around aimlessly while smoking a small cigar now.
posted by Andres at 6:38 PM
Saturday, April 12, 2003
I recently had the pleasure of sitting down for a chat with myself, and the two of us came up with a fun idea. In order to develop my characters and delve into their backstories a little bit more, why not have them interview each other? So, in the days to come, keep your eyes peeled for an exciting series of interviews between a rather odd assortment of completely fictional people, all of whom have appeared on a NYC stage at one time or another. Some more frequently than others...
posted by Andres at 1:05 PM
Friday, April 11, 2003
I've got a nasty case of Nasiriya.
posted by Andres at 1:00 AM
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
Man, it's too bad you folks can't all be NYC comedians. You are sure missing out on some great conversation. Just this evening, my fellow comedian friend and I were enjoying a late night meal* at one of the many dinerterias here in town, and we just struck up the most vibrant, interesting conversation of your life. For us, it was just one of many incredibly engaging dialogues we've had over the years, probably not even in the top 100 of the most interesting conversations we've had. But for YOU, it would definitely have been the highlight of your life. TRUST ME, I live in New York City. Anyway, when two comedians get together for a conversation, they are always 100% interesting and entertaining, and this one was no exception. Get this. We talked about DEAD MUSICIANS. That's right! Moreover, we talked about what what bands we would want to put together out of dead famous musicians. Hey, welcome to the playground that is imagination, my friends. Anyway, my friend went first. Here's who he picked:
Jimi Hendrix - lead guitar, vocals
John Entwhistle - bass
Keith Moon - drums
So basically, his band is The Who's rhythm section plus Hendrix. Actually, that would be a pretty awesome lineup. Hmm. But how different would it sound from the Hendrix we already know and love?
Here's mine:
Layne Staley - lead vocals
Kurt Cobain - guitar, vocals
Hillel Slovak - lead guitar
Milt Hinton - bass
Three-armed Keith Moon** - drums
John Lennon & George Harrison - guest songwriters/musicians
Janis Joplin - guest vocalist
I didn't want to use Entwhistle again, so to be a unique turd I googled dead bassists and found Milt. Apparently he's some sort of jazz legend, and was an outstanding musician. Also, I put Slovak in there instead of Hendrix to seem a little bit more knowledgable about music than I actually am.
My friend and I came to the conclusion that more great rock bassists need to die. Right now, John Entwhistle must have one hectic schedule - all the supergroups comprised of famous dead rockers are trying to get him to come to their rehearsals.
*That's right. A LATE NIGHT MEAL. Don't believe me? Well, maybe you'll believe a Mr. H. Lewis: New York! New York! It's everything they say, there's no place that I'd rather be. Where else can you do a half-a-million things, all at a quarter-to-three? Case closed, numbnuts! Except it was more like a quarter to eleven.
**In my version of heaven, Rick Allen's lost arm*** has sprouted from Keith Moon's torso, making Moon an unstoppable three-armed drumming force. Once Rick himself passes away, he will be reunited with his dead arm, but until then...THREE-ARMED KEITH MOON ROCKS!
***Yes, yes, yes, Rick Allen is the drummer from Def Leppard.
posted by Andres at 9:51 PM
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
One bad burger is all it takes. Just one. I've been out of commission all day, simply because of one, lousy, greasy, awesome, deliciously lousy burger. Just thinking about it right now is making my stomach tighten up. I ate the burger yesterday afternoon. And all day today I've simply been shuffling about in my skivvies, groaning in pain as my stomach does its impression of a 10 ton, growling boulder. Ugh. These periodic burger belches (I ate the burger over 20 hours ago!) are absolutely revolting. Tiny, acidic, spurty reminders of my poor lunchtime decision. From moment to moment, I feel as if all of my insides are either going to come leaping out of my mouth or scratching and clawing their way out of my ass. But nothing happens. The boulder just sits there, growling. And I can't bring myself to eat anything except for the occasional Triscuit. By the way, how awesome are Triscuits? Seriously. Take a look at one. They look like tiny pieces of herbed wicker. Poorly made wicker, that is! Real wicker would be a real challenge to chew. I mean seriously! You wouldn't want to eat wicker! Ah my mind is going. This is the kind of delirium that can only be brought about by a bad, bad burger. One bad burger is all it takes. One bad burger, and my tummy aches. Sweating, shaking, feeling like murder? Those are the symptoms. Of a bad. BAD. Burger. Not to mention bad poetry. Hey speaking of bad burgers, have you seen the new J. Lo video? The tribute to Flashdance? Her burgers look baaaaaaaad. But not bad in the food poisoning sense. Bad in the "I want to explore the space between those burgers" sense. Man oh man.
Their love was faltering. Their world was crumbling. Yet their marriage would find the strength it needed in...
The Space Between Burgers
Starring Vin Deisel and a bowl of unsalted cashews.
Hey folks, I told you I was suffering from delirium! If you don't believe me, just ask this Greedo action figure trying to hump my wallet.
And on that note, GOODNIGHT!
posted by Andres at 2:32 AM
Monday, April 07, 2003
I recently hired the Iraqi Information Minister to also act as MY information minister. It will be his job to disseminate Andres-approved information concerning the all-important topic of me. Andres. Here is a partial transcript from today's press conference:
...people, you will hear these poison lies from these people but do not believe them. Andres he is now employed. He is making six figures at least I think it is safe to say, yes, he is even a millionaire now. Totally employed. And his girlfriend, you can see she is very pleased, very pleased he is choosing to stay there. Stay with her. He is eh, choosing by his own will to be there with only a suitcase. Bottomless suitcase! There is tesseract inside suitcase, like in Dr. Who. Interior is mansion where Andres can relax and bathe with many employed millionaire model women approved by girlfiend, and to exercise in gym inside suitcase. His body now, I think is yes, it is perfect. No body fat and everything, every muscle is hard. You will hear these lies from the, these liers will tell you he is now fat, they say look at him, just look at how fat he is now he is fat just so scruffy and fat, but they are lies. He, eh, yes, he is like a Van Damme or a Diesel. They will show you lying photos and lying unemployment stubs and force you to smell lying laundry, but he is hard and millionaire and he, yes, he showers. He does shower. And they will say, these idiots will say poison about his privates, but, the stupid idiots are running scared from his manhood, his eh, it is eh, too big even for normal pants. Pants with special restraints have been wearing, he has been wearing now. And his hair is very neat and trimmed. He has not eh, passed any wind. No, he has never done that. The liers will tell you he has passed poor fat homeless unemployed bankrupt inadequate unshowered wind, but he I think we know he only eh, his body is hard and he smells only of pine. Like a mountain forest, he smells fresh and his eh, yes, his manhood is very...
I just give him the basic facts and he runs with them.
posted by Andres at 3:13 AM
Saturday, April 05, 2003
Whereas last night's post was brought to you by an entire bottle of Chianti, tonight's is brought to you by a single glass of water. Hence, you can expect proper spelling and punctuation. Not to mention a decided lack of profanity and self-pity.
As a means of illustrating what I'm referring to, below I have typed three sentences. The first sentence is clearly an "entire bottle of Chianti" sentence, and the second is most obviously a "single glass of water" sentence. The third sentence is a "wildcard" sentence, written in a style which I will leave up to you to decipher.*
A) Hey sometims I think AHH AAAAAAAH whymy such FuKin loser.
B) I am absolutely thrilled with the progress of my fantasy baseball team.
C) In time, you shall learn to love me, Whitmans, and I will no longer need to wield my tumescence like a sceptre of thrusting justice, or as I like to say 'Thrustice'!
So as you can see, this post, with the exception of the sentences written intentionally in other styles, is mostly comprised of sentences along the lines of sentence B, above. I think the conclusion is obvious. Alcohol is 100% necessary to make this blog entertaining. Sadly, I have none handy.
Seriously, my fantasy baseball team is making excellent progress. With a few more moves and trades, I think I'll be able to sit back and watch it dominate for the remainder of the summer. While still paying attention on a daily basis so as to optimize the lineup via situational tweaks! However, I do have some concerns about my lack of team speed, and some of my starting pitchers are rather "green" as they say.
Okay then.
*From the P.O.V. of a word-coining enthusiast who has convinced himself that his bedroom full of empty Whitman's chocolate sampler boxes is a harem to which he must prove his domination via penile thumping.
posted by Andres at 11:25 PM
MARATHON UPDATE!
You haven't forgotten that I'm "doing" a marathon on April 27th, have you? And that I need to raise a total of $1900 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in order to be allowed to "do" this marathon? And that if you want to make a donation you simply have to send a check made payable to The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and mail it to:
Andres M. du Bouchet
408 Harvest Mill Way
Mullica Hill, NJ 08062
(the absolute dead-end deadline is May 27th, but if you could get the $$$ to me before the marathon it would simplify things greatly)
And from there my folks will make sure I receive it? Since I am currently crashing at my girlfriend's? And that when I say "do" what I mean is "walk easily at first but as the miles wear on hobble in greater and greater pain until I triumphantly and with chafed* inner thighs finish the marathon"?
All this you know yes?
For you see, I am probably in worse shape now than when I proudly announced several months ago that I would be undertaking this mission. The schedule of a NYC comedian, coupled with my love of food, alcohol, alcohol-laced food and food-laced alcohol, in addition to the rigors of unemployment, bankruptcy and eviction, simply does not provide me with enough time or energy to okay let's face it I'm a lazy fart and once I started the training I realized my knob-knees and flat feet just couldn't take the concrete pounding.
So I'm going to walk the marathon. 26.2 miles. Walkin'. Just taking my time, chatting on my cell phone, nibbling away on my Powerbar, and thinking of 1001 ways to put down Kenyans. True story - I ran a 10 miler in D.C. once (truly ran it) and by the time I reached the STARTING LINE (due to the huge number of runners) the Kenyans were already passing the one mile mark. When I was up to mile two, they were up to mile eight. Amazing athletes. Anyway, these Kenyan super-runners have gone long enough without being roasted! Here we go...
Q: How many Kenyan super-runners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Africa is a war-torn continent suffering from famine and disease! IN YOUR FACE!
BOOM! Andres one, Kenyans zippo. Anyway, yeah, I'll be walking the race, which should take hours and hours and hours. But I'm going to do it.
This message has been brought to you by an entire bottle of Chianti.
*YES WHEN YOU ARE HEAVY LIKE ME YOUR INNER THIGHS RUB AGAINST EACH OTHER IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE MANNER OFTEN PRODUCING RASHES AND STRANGE PATCHES OF SMOOTH SKIN WHERE THE HAIRS HAVE BEEN RUBBED AWAY GO TO HELL YOU ASSHOLES I USED TO BE QUITE DASHING.
posted by Andres at 2:02 AM
Friday, April 04, 2003
I was in the SF area last weekend. Napa Valley is amazingly beautiful. I imagine it's what heaven probably looks like, minus the giggling flocks of flying tits.
That's right. Just breasts. Flying around. Giggling. Flocks of giggling, flying, disembodied boobies. Hey, we've all got our own vision of heaven.
Incidentally, the Heaven Flying Tit Repertory Theater Company does a great stage production of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, except they don't call it "The Birds".
They call it...
...wait for it...
...they CALL it...
...I think you have an idea of what I'm going to say here...
...they call it...
Los Pajaros!
posted by Andres at 2:26 PM
Thursday, April 03, 2003
Alright, from now on I ABSOLUTELY PROMISE to post in this thing every single day. Without exception.
There, that felt good. It feels good to make promises!