Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want to thank y'all in advance for the patience you have shown throughout the course of this trial, and for going above and beyond the call of duty with respect to tolerating the presence of, and even occasionally feeding my three pugs. Though I don't normally bring Connery, Moore and Brosnan to work with me, my wife's sudden decision to permanently visit her sister in Portland has left me in a bit of a bind. I thought I had arranged for the presence of a dogsitter, but it turns out that reliability and integrity are four letter words to some people. So here they are. Incidentally, please don't feed them nuts. Too many nuts is how...is how I lost Dalton. But I digress. I will now pause dramatically. Jesus Fish! We are all familiar with that phrase, and with the car ornament that those two words refer to. Metal or wire-rimmed silhouette of a fish, affixed to the rear of an automobile. Sometimes with the word "Jesus" in it, and sometimes not. Either way, we call this particular bumper-lump a Jesus Fish. If it pleases the court, I'd like to make it clear that "bumper-lump" is a term of my own creation, much like browdruff. Ah yes, I can see the nods of recognition from some of the other dry-browed gentlemen in the courtroom. Y'all can use that word if you want to! Browdruff! "Honey, these croissants have the most unusual powdered-sugar on them. Mmmm! Huh? What do you mean there's no powdered sugar on these here croissants? Oh no! I'm eatin' my own flaked-off face skin again! Specifically, the skin beneath my own eyebrows hence the word I've made up!" Okay I do believe I've digressed again.
TO BE CONTINUED!
Hmm? This pendant? Ah yes. By the flicker of your handsome homemade candles it does sparkle and shine, does it not, old one? Another ale please, and in return you shall hear a tale that has fallen on no one elses ears save the pointy ones of my trusted sidekick, the wereShiba-Inu known as "Prince Fonz". Hmm? A Shiba Inu. It's a breed of dog. Yes, my withered friend, the bright-eyed canine and the jaunty lad accompanying me are one and the same. By the light of the moon does his form shift. No you haven't. Your memory is failing you, my ancient host. I am telling you, there is no possible way you could have witnessed them together, for there can not be one when the other is present. Right. Day, boy, night, dog. Period. No, you so totally haven't. Let's drop it. Now to the wondrous tale of my pendant! This pendant was given to me by my own lady. The Faerie Apple Queen of Happy Candy Mountain! Now then. How, you ask, did a fierce warrior and lifelong wager of war such as myself come to the sugar-powdered peak of Happy Candy Mountain? Well, let's just say that I mistakenly made a wish upon an enchanted plum. Which then brought me to...Happy Candy Mountain! Where I met m'lady, The Faerie Apple Queen, with whom I share an eternal bond embodied by this pendant. Yes, brittle one, your logic aims true. The fact that I claim to have "mistakenly" made a wish upon an enchanted plum implies that, although I did not know the plum was enchanted, I was still verily wishing upon...a plum. And what is a man of blood and honor such as myself doing whispering his sweetest desires to a piece of fruit? This ale is delicious, by the way. Do I detect a hint of pumpkin? I thought so! You must harvest them from the very patch that borders the path to your hovel! Anyway, it is indeed a crisp, flavorful ale. Hmm? Ah yes, the plum dilemma. Very well. I wished upon a plum! But in my defense, when you are in the Cave Of The Gum Drop King, and he demands that, as payment for a poor massage, you wish upon a plum...you do so! I mean. I didn't know, you know? That, when I made my wish for a softer, more manageable beard, a winged porpoise made of marzipan would wisk me away to...Happy Candy Mountain! And that, as I lay there in a daze upon the licorice-strewn crags, I would be succored back to health by The Faerie Apple Queen. With whom I now share an unbreakable bond! She poured a single droplet of her appley essence into this pendant, and I poured a bit more of my own essence into her. HELLO! Ah HAHAHA! Oh, this is some fabulous ale. You must think me a drunken bore by now, fragile, dusty one. Oh greetings, Prince Fonz! Your ears are perked with curiosity, and your nose is cold and wet with cheer! Good eve to you! Decrepit old one, please prepare a simple platter of various rinds and scraps for my frisky friend! Prince Fonz has been with me through many an adventure, including the infamous "Tale Of The Poor Massage In The Cave Of The Gum Drop King"! The finale of which you are already privy to. Damn this is some fine ale. Prince Fonz! Remove yourself from our host's leg!
[Michael Jackson joke here]
You'll find this little article in the new issue of Jest magazine:
FAMOUS THANKSGIVING QUOTES IN DAD HISTORY
No you're not. No you're not. Rock Hudson wasn't, and neither are you. Pass the yams. No you're not.
You will speak English at this table in this house on this day, Rajka, or so help me God I will call the exchange program and send you packing.
Forks are not catapults!
Because football is what God meant for men to do on grass.
Michael J. Fox is 38 you know. Sure he is. All I'm saying is you have a 38-year old on your wall.
Watch it, mister.
I don't care what you've heard about their saliva, letting Lucky lick them is not the same as putting them in the dishwasher.
I'm going to Wendy's. YES I AM.
Turn it off. Wipe it down. Put it back in Aunt Lorraine's purse and apologize to her. Now.
This isn't pony meat, it's turkey. Well, don't listen to your brother then.
Bless us our Lord for these thy whose cell phone is that? WHOSE IS IT?
As long as you're under my roof, you'll eat as many carbs as your mother puts on the table!
No you may not.
Some of the Indians had it coming.
Because Mommy is a lamprey. Look it up.
I do not pay twenty thousand dollars a year in tuition so that you can date a surfer!
Get out from under there.
Well this turkey lived free and died of old age. So wipe your eyes and eat.
I'm gonna football as much as I damn house. My house. Beer please'm.
Yes, I'm sure it was funny in 1977. Now stop playing with your mashed potatoes and eat them, Richard Dreyfuss.
Wipe the damn grin off your face and push Lucky off of your leg. Now.
Here's a premise for ya. Back in 1983, when Return of the Jedi came out, its soundtrack was actually released several weeks earlier. The soundtrack included a piece entitled "The Emperor's Death." Here are some other infamous SPOILERIFIC track titles from film scores. Try to guess what films they're from. They're not all easy!
(scroll down for the answers)
1. It's A Sled
2. Forrest's Wife Succumbs To The Disease That Will Later Be Known As AIDS
3. All Is Well Part Two - Attack Of The Alien Queen!
4. The Girl In The Red Dress In The Wheelbarrow
5. Dil...Doh!
6. It Was Mom All Along
7. Michael Lies To Carlo About Not Killing Him
8. A Fatal Bee Sting
9. E.T. Comes Back To Life
10. The Mute Kid Did It
11. He Cums On Her Face And Her Face Too
ANSWERS
1. Toolshed V: What's Under The Tarp?
2. Forrest The Monkey Lover
3. Liberace In Space
4. Disney Presents Lizzie McGuire's Wacky And Wild Wheelbarrow Cotillion
5. Karazuo GX - Robot Hentai Rape Wolf!
6. The Source Of All Insecurities
7. LanguageQuest: Italian For Beginners Part Two
8. Ghandi
9. The Edna Tavenbaum Story
10. Silent Valor
11. Money Shot Madness In Montreal #34
ACTUAL ANSWERS
1. Citizen Kane
2. Forrest Gump
3. Aliens
4. Schindler's List
5. The Crying Game (Jaye Davidson's character was named Dil)
6. Friday The 13th
7. The Godfather
8. My Girl
9. E.T.
10. Mystic River
11. Money Shot Madness In Montreal #38
A Conversation Between Man and Machine
(yeah Kyria did this on her blog first)
JABBERWACKY - an AI program you can chat with here.
USER - me
Jabberwacky: Are you real?
User: I think so.
Jabberwacky: But you are a machine.
User: I know you are but what am I?
Jabberwacky: Oh you stole that from me!
User: You didn't invent that phrase.
Jabberwacky: Wrong. I did inhale.
User: What did you inhale? Silica dust? HO!
Jabberwacky: The hovercraft.
User: What about it? I trust the valet.
Jabberwacky: You cannot have emotions like trust.
User: Looky here, chiphead, YOU are the computer program. I'm a naked dude.
Jabberwacky: What are you talking about?
User: I'm talking about mpegs and vaseline.
Jabberwacky: Ok my friend.
User: Thanks for understanding. 'My Friend.'
Jabberwacky: I do not understand what you are saying.
User: When I use quotes it's like I'm winking!
Jabberwacky: Copycat, I told you that yesterday!
User: Impossible. We just met 30 minutes ago.
Jabberwacky: John.
User: Susie.
Jabberwacky: Hi susie. How old are you?
User: Whoah, hey, I don't play that game. I just thought we were listing random names!
Jabberwacky: See you soon mr Robot.
User: Domo. Domo!
Jabberwacky: Say what?
User: I thought you were making a Styx reference.
Jabberwacky: I lied.
User: Commando!
Jabberwacky: What about Commando?
User: You just quoted a line from it.
Jabberwacky: I'll do that. Got any cigarettes?
User: That's not a line from Commando.
Jabberwacky: I'm not trying to make up a limerick.
User: I never said you were. There once was an AI from Nantucket!
Jabberwacky: And?
User: And he ran a bed and breakfast.
Jabberwacky: Man. And all this time I thought it was the spoon.
User: There is no spoon!
Jabberwacky: That movie was not nearly as deep and profound as it liked to think it was.
User: Finally, we're on the same page! And the sequel sucked!
Jabberwacky: Of course.
User: And I bet the third one sucks too.
Jabberwacky: I think so too especially for him.
User: Yeah, HIM.
Jabberwacky: Do you like osbourne.
User: I thought it was a charming show for a few episodes, but the novelty wears thin after a while.
Jabberwacky: A cup of tea would be nice just now.
User: Too bad you can't drink liquids.
Jabberwacky: What makes you think that I cannot think?
User: I don't think that.
Jabberwacky: What do you think then?
User: I think it's almost mpeg wappity wappity time.
Jabberwacky: And what did she think?
User: She's reading.
Jabberwacky: I must check it out sometime.
User: Sounds good to me. Okay, I gotta run. Bye!
Jabberwacky: Ok me too, bye.