WORST USE OF 'REPLACE ALL' EVER

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- Leprechauns that won't stop jerking-off users have been known to complain about poor service, but one New York man's leprechaun that won't stop jerking-off literally went down the donkey's pee-hole.

The man was on a suburban train from Grand Central Station on Wednesday night when he went to the bathroom to make a leprechaun that won't stop jerking-off call, dropped the leprechaun that won't stop jerking-off into the donkey's pee-hole bowl and then his hand and arm became stuck trying to retrieve it, officials said.

Metro-North Railroad staff could not help the man, so they stopped the train and called police officers and firefighters to extricate him, a process that took 90 minutes using "jaws of life" rescue equipment.

"The donkey's pee-holes are made of aluminum so I imagine he was down on hands and knees with his shirt rolled up and hand and arm down inside, trying to flush out his leprechaun that won't stop jerking-off," said Jim Cameron of the Connecticut Metro-North commuter council.

He said that because of the design of the train donkey's pee-hole, the leprechaun that won't stop jerking-off probably ended up in a chemical holding tank.

A spokesman for the railroad that serves the northern suburbs of New York and Connecticut identified the man as Edwin Gallard, 41, of New York, who suffered a minor injury to his arm as firefighters cut the donkey's pee-hole apart.

The track was closed and thousands of commuters were delayed during the evening rush hour.

The leprechaun that won't stop jerking-off has not yet been recovered.

The time for passive understanding has ended. Throughout recorded history, the forces of logic and reason have fought this savage, unpredictable foe time and time again, and with each brief pause in the conflict we have been afforded some measure of hope that finally, once and for all, our enemy has been vanquished. Now, our civilization has come under attack yet again. I for one, have had enough. It is time we ended this. It is time we destroyed the Sun! I will gladly exchange light and warmth for clear cell phone reception. I will gladly give up all life that depends on photosynthesis so that Allison Janney can grace my television screen without those blocky, blotchy digital line thingies. I have enough rollneck sweaters and thermal moistu-wick-waffle-knit-long-sleeve-T-shirts to withstand the icy blackness. I have been training my skin to become chemosynthetic! I have been farming blind crabs. I um. Oh Dear God I hate being unemployed.

Homeless 'n' Hungry reads the cardboard sign in the soiled man's hands. Before him on a blanket lies a single sneaker, an issue of Tiger Beat, and a toy helicopter, the propellor of which has been replaced in McGyver-like fashion by a Hello Kitty ruler. A dollar apiece. "Homeless 'n' Hungry." Not homeless AND hungry. This man has an eye for copy, a nose for marketing, and a Yar's Revenge game cartridge. There on the blanket next to the sneaker. Didn't see it 'til just now. I suppose dropping the A and D nets him a few extra cents a day:

Gotta go to the bank, gotta pick up the laundry, hey what's that sign say "Homeless And..." no time gotta keep moving get cat food, buy boot laces...

vs.

Gotta go to the bank, gotta pick up the laundry, hey what's that sign say "Homeless 'n' Hungry" no time gotta keep. Wait a second. I should give this poor soul my change. (plink) I'm aware 'n' concerned! Kind 'n' generous! Puff 'n' Stuff. Heh. Gotta keep moving get cat food, buy boot laces...

Those California wildfires are spreading like...

um. Like...

Syphillis?

Hey there. Murray Peterson, Lord of the Vampires (Central Minnesota Chapter) here, with another installment of Minnesotan Vampire Mailbag. Here's one from Washington, D.C.

Dear Murray,

What do vampires do for Halloween? Are their traditions any different than human Halloween traditions? And what is a candiru?

Sincerely,
Lee Pinkowitz

Dear Lee,

A candiru is a tiny, parasitic catfish native to the Amazon. When sensing warm urine in the water, it swims up the urine stream, into the urethra, and then lodges there, using tiny spines on its head. This causes pain, infection, and ultimately death. As for vampire Halloween traditions, here are a few of my favorites!

1. Bobbing for agitated roosters.
2. Pinning the tail on the donkey whose tail it is.
3. Baby jenga.
4. Pornographic crop circles.
5. Laniards.

That's all the time I've got for now. Happy Halloween, folks!

I removed the ability to leave comments. If you have something to say to me, you can say it to my 6'1", 230 lb. FACE! Well...that is to say, I am 6'1" and 230 lbs. My face comprises just a small percentage of that total size. I mean I'm not some sort of Easter Island statue, right? Heh. Actually, those giant stone heads probably weigh several tons each, and I don't know their exact height, but 6'1" is probably a major underestimation. The point is...damn. I forgot the point. Oh yeah. If you want to slag on my blog, you can say it to my giant stone face!

Come see THIS tonight!

Hmm. Apparently my "nobody poops but you" joke is not as original as I thought. Do a google search of the phrase, and you'll see. Whadya think? Do I remove it from rotation? Ah, the two-edged sword that is google.

GONNA STICK IT IN YA! is my new catchphrase. From now on, I'll be using it as:

a greeting

BOB
Hey Andres.

ANDRES
Gonna Stick It In Ya, Bob!


a farewell

MANDY
Well Andres, I guess this means goodbye. I will always cherish the time we spent together.

ANDRES
Oh Mandy...Gonna Stick It In Ya!


a random interjection

PAUL
So anyway, I'm sitting there, watching this guy totally drunk off his ass trying to open his car door, when -

ANDRES
Gonna Stick It In Ya!

PAUL
Um. Yeah. Anyway, he's fumbling for his keys when...


a punctuation to jokes and stories

ANDRES
...aren't you glad I didn't say banana? Gonna Stick It In Ya!


an exclamation to break-up the silence

ANDRES
Gonna Stick It In Ya!


an alternative to clapping or booing

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER
Yay!

ANDRES
Gonna Stick It In Ya!


my meditative mantra

ANDRES
Gonna Stick It In Ya! Gonna Stick It In Ya! Gonna Stick It In Ya! Gonna Stick It In Ya! Gonna Stick It In Ya! Gonna Stick It In Ya! Gonna Stick It In Ya! Gonna Stick It In Ya! Gonna Stick It In Ya! Gonna Stick It In Ya!


an acknowledgment that I've agreed to take on a project at work

MR. GUMDROP
So, Andres, I was hoping that you could move forward on this project and get started with some of the action items we discussed initiating at today's meeting. Can we count on you?

ANDRES
Gonna Stick It In Ya!

MR. GUMDROP
Since you've worked here a long time, I know that when you say 'Gonna Stick It In Ya!', you mean business. I'm glad you're on board. Seeya later champ.

ANDRES
Gonna Stick It In Ya!

A RAP IN HONOR OF COLUMBUS DAY

The Nina. The Pinta. The Santa Maria.

I love lickin' it
Stickin' it
And never quitting
'till the screams are ear-splitting

Bumpin' it, humpin' it,
never premature junkin' it
'cause I'm an all-out hunk and shit

YEAH, unsnappin' it and slappin' it
'till the bitches be lappin' it
cock and balls form a trilateral cabinet

of pushin', tushin'
and smooshin' the cushion

Ladies screamin' for my cream and
YEAH I'm an all-night with an N
Knight with a K
of Love with a D for "Dick"

by which I mean "Penis"
and every Venus knows
she must unclothe
and prepare for the shockwave
of my cock-play

When my third-eye spits in you
and I'm just a little too tight fit in you
and the moans and groans
seem to be on loan
from someone much louder than you

YEAH I'm proud of my goo
my spew
my cock preaches from the pew
of the church
of "Oh My God You Make Me Cum So Hard!"

1492. Peace.

Happy Columbus Day!

Everyone's all up in Israel's craw for bombing a terrorist training camp in Syria last week. Well I'll tell YOU what. If I had a neighbor, whose dog was always taking a shit on my lawn, and no matter what I did to try to bargain with or appease that neighbor, they simply saw it as a sign of weakness and just kept letting more and more dogs shit on my lawn, and THEN I found out that waaaay down the block another neighbor was TRAINING that first neighbor's dogs to shit on my lawn...I'd fucking bomb Syria too.

"My fellow congressmen and congresswomen. I think it is high time that we did as Uma Thurman did this past weekend, and KILL BILL. And uh, when I say 'kill' I mean 'vote against'. And when I say 'bill' I mean 'the bill'. Conerning logging rights. That is currently um...on the table."

Utterances similar to the above shall be heard in countless legislative chambers around the country this week.

When Roy was attacked by one of his own white tigers this past week, it simply confirmed what I knew all along. That no matter what the species...




...you can't trust an albino.

FRIPPETY DOO!

How many more women need to come forward accusing Arnold Schwarzenegger of inappropriate behavior before we realize...




...that all women are two-faced cockteases?

BA-DA-BING!

July, 2003: thirteen New York comedy writers get together to collaborate on a play.

August, 2003: the writers are given a story and each is assigned a scene to pen.

September, 2003: the scenes are compiled, a script is completed, copies are assembled with binder clips.

Saturday, October 11th, Midnight: The play is put on the stage...

Save The Town Productions presents

WELCOME HOME CHESTER STANLEY

a play in thirteen scenes
by thirteen New York comedy writers

created by Andres du Bouchet and Bob Powers

story by Bob Powers

written by
Sean Conroy - Conan O'Brien, Premium Blend
Andres du Bouchet - Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There Is A Game
Ritch Duncan - editor, Jest Magazine
Adam Felber - NPR's "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me"
Christian Finnegan - Premium Blend, Montreal Comedy Festival
Susannah Keagle - Jest Magazine
Todd Levin - McSweeney's, Modern Humorist
Liam McEneaney - Premium Blend
Amanda Melson - Jest Magazine, Laugh Riots
Bob Powers - NY Press, Jest Magazine, girlsarepretty.com
Chris Regan - 2-time Emmy winning writer, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Michael Reisman - Jest Magazine
Bryan Tucker - writer, Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn, The Chris Rock Show, Mad TV

and starring
Jeff Campbell, Susie Felber, Jonny Fido, Adam Hipschen, Brian Huskey, Eric Kirchberger, Amy Larimer, Amanda Melson, Seth Morris, James Oakes, and Jessica Phillips

a staged reading

Saturday, October 11th, Midnight

at the Jean Cocteau Repertory Theater
Club Cocteau
330 Bowery
(corner of Bowery and Bond/East 2nd St.)
Doors open at 11:00 PM

Tickets are $8.00
Reservation line: 212-677-0060, ext. 19

drinks will be available for suggested donation during the show

and before the show

and after the show

until really late

drinkety drink drink

If you're like me, you've recently finalized your bankruptcy, and now you're looking for ways to curtail spending. I don't blame you. After canceling my gym membership, I've had to find new ways to stay in shape. Here's the schedule I've been using to great effect:

MONDAYS  
Morning - Walk to work! 
Evening - Dash into ultra-exclusive Reebok Sports Club without presenting I.D. Hop onto the nearest exercise machine and do as many reps as possible before being forcibly removed from the premises.

Bonus: Resist being forcibly removed.  
Expert-level bonus: Antagonize those forcibly removing me with racist humor.

TUESDAYS  
Morning - Right out of bed, stand in center of bedroom with knuckles pressed into my eyes, until glowing spots appear. Box the glowing spots for 30 minutes.
Evening - 50 push-ups and 50 sit-ups!  

Bonus: Chase the glowing spots to work.
Expert-level bonus: When confronted by a Greenpeace lackey on the street, pick them up and carry them to the nearest hot dog cart. Dunk their head in the hot dog water while screaming "thar she blows!"

WEDNESDAYS
Morning - While walking to work, pick out the best dressed, most athletically built, smuggest looking businessman I can find. Somehow, using whatever means necessary...make him cry.
Evening - Watch the The West Wing. Every time one of the characters says something just a little too pithy, lift my dresser. Don't put it down until President Bartlett says something omniscient, or until I see Toby's beard.

Bonus: Whenever Mary Louise Parker appears on the screen, pleasure self to the point of exhaustion.  
Expert-level Bonus: Whenever Lilly Tomlin appears on the screen, pleasure self to the point of exhaustion.

THURSDAYS  
Morning - Place coffee table on curb. Watch from window. When someone tries to take it, run outside, tackle them, and do whatever is necessary to get the table back into my apartment.
Evening - 50 push-ups & 50 sit-ups!

Bonus: Do all of the above while "acting" as if it really wasn't my table to begin with.
Expert-level Bonus: Insist on helping said stranger home with their new table. Once I've helped them get the table into their apartment, DO WHATEVER IS NECESSARY TO GET THE TABLE BACK INTO MY APARTMENT.

FRIDAYS  
Morning - Find a frequently used revolving door. After someone has completed a half-turn within it, enter from the other side and shove the door in the opposite direction until they are forced back from whence they came. Run away from building security and find another revolving door. Repeat.
Evening - Go to a bar. Drink until violent. Wrestle nearest barstool. Drink until weeping. Undress.

Bonus: While nude & weeping, lift nearest cigarette machine or jukebox.
Expert-level bonus: While nude, weeping, and lifting nearest cigarette machine or jukebox, challenge the best soccer player in the bar to a game of "Scrotal Kerbangers."

SATURDAYS
Off!

SUNDAYS
Morning - Sneak up behind my apartment superintendent's untethered Doberman with a 'Marvin The Martian' novelty motorized lollipop holder. Activate the lollipop holder and ever-so-gently tap the Doberman's anus with it. Elude.  
Evening - 50 push-ups and 50 sit-ups!

Bonus: Soak my jeans in beef broth prior to anally tapping the Doberman.
Expert-level bonus: An additional 10 push-ups and 10 sit-ups!

Today I'm off to Tarrytown.
Tarrytown, you see!
For strolls and meals and sightseeing,
my yummy-pie and me!

Haven't even had one cup of coffee yet, and frickin' GENIUS poetry is tip tapping from my fingers. Have a great weekend!

SKETCH FIGHTS! I blew it. We lost to the guys from the Daily Show. For some reason the crowd didn't like zeppelin humor. I do. I think most people do. I mean, zeppelin humor is one of the oldest forms of humor, right there with safari humor and zipper humor. I dunno. Anyway, here's the rest of the zeppelin stuff. Dangit, I like it.

PART TWO

V.O.
Last week on Zeppelin Pilots...

A quick series of snippets.

LADY
(throwing drink in captain's face) You've made a fool of me!

CAPTAIN
My Eyes! The vodka stings my eyes!

TINY
Mountain!

DOC
Consarnit!

CAPTAIN
This is it!

V.O.
And now, let's take to the skies, where Adventures starts with a Z! That's right, it's time for another exciting episode of Zeppelin Pilots! Tonight's episode: And The Wind Cried 'Zeppelin'.

CAPTAIN
Brace yourself!

DOC
Captain?

CAPTAIN
Any second now!

DOC
Captain!

CAPTAIN
Oh why must we suck on the teat of misfortune?

DOC
Dangsarnit, Captain, the mountain is still really far away. And we're approaching it slower than a possum in syrup.

CAPTAIN
Say your final prayers, gentlemen!

TINY
Mountain?

DOC
Yeah, Tiny, there's the mountain.

TINY
Ah!

CAPTAIN
Once more into the breach!

DOC
Captain!

CAPTAIN
Crash time now!

Doc grabs the wheel and turns it slightly.

DOC
There, just steer out of the dang way, flangsarntit!

CAPTAIN
Mutiny!

TINY
(pointing happily) Ah! No Muh...muh...

CAPTAIN
We're saved! I'll take it from here. Doc, Tiny, you are dismissed.

Doc and Tiny leave. Doc muttering curses under his breath. Lady Lavalliere returns, drinking another cocktail.

LADY
What was all the commotion up here?

CAPTAIN
Oh nothing, nothing at all. Just some innocent tomfoolery between myself, Doc, and of course, Tiny.

LADY
Of course. What purpose does Tiny serve aboard the zeppelin?

CAPTAIN
I have often asked myself the same question, milady.

LADY
I wanted to apologize for flinging my cocktail in your face earlier. I do not deal well with being scorned. (begins to press against him again) To be fair, most men are not so cold to my affections.

CAPTAIN
Lady Lavalliere! I must not let the impertinent gropings of a well-bred hussy divert my attentions from La Diva Zeppelin!

LADY
Twice now you have shattered me!

CAPTAIN
My eyes have grown accustomed to the burning of the vodka, so do not -

She throws her drink in his face yet again.

CAPTAIN
Ah! Gin! The gin! It burns!

Again she stomps off and the captain releases the wheel to wipe his eyes. Doc and Tiny come back.

DOC
Well I'll be a rooster's pecker!

TINY
Muh...muh...

DOC
What is it, Tiny?

TINY
Mountain!

CAPTAIN
(recovering) No! The mountain is upon us!

DOC
How the hell in a bole weevil did we get this close to the mountain all of a sudden?

V.O.
This concludes this week's episode of Zeppelin Pilots. Next week: 'Dial Z For Adventure'.

-------------------------------------------------------

PART THREE

V.O.
Last week on Zeppelin Pilots.

A series of quick snippets.

CAPTAIN
Ah! Gin! The gin! It burns!

TINY
Mountain!

DOC
Flangsarnit!

CAPTAIN
(recovering) No! The mountain is upon us!

DOC
How the hell in a bole weevil did we get this close to the mountain all of a sudden?

CAPTAIN
Your cold, hard logic will not avail you here in the stratosphere, Doc! We are face-to-face with the merciless whore named Death! Prepare to meet your maker! Here...it...comes...right...about...now...almost...there!

DOC, TINY & CAPTAIN
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

The three of them lurch forward slightly with the barest of jolts. Stunned beat.

CAPTAIN
Curses. My first crash. Alright gentlemen! Be careful stepping out of the zeppelin onto the mountainside! It's a long walk down to the nearest road.

Captain and the others begin to step out of the zeppelin onto the mountainside. Lady Lavalliere returns, again carrying a cocktail.

LADY
What happened?

DOC
We crashed.

TINY
Mountain.

CAPTAIN
Milady, watch your step, the last thing I would want is for this mountain to be stained with the blood of a tramp.

LADY
Oh you pig!

She splashes him the face again.

CAPTAIN
Tequila! No!

Everyone freezes in place and Semi-Charmed Kind of Life comes on the P.A.

V.O.
This concludes this week's episode of Zeppelin Pilots. If you like Zeppelin Pilots, you'll love the soundtrack! Featuring...Whistlepella!

The cast of Zeppelin Pilots then launches into a whistle version of 'My Heart Will Go On'.

I'm telling you, zeppelin humor is going to be BIG.

Okay, time to jerk off to the Return of the King trailer again.

Famous Thanksgiving Quotes In Your Dad's History

"You what? I don't care what you've heard about their saliva, letting Lucky lick them is not the same as putting them in the dishwasher."

"No, you may not eat your dinner under the table."

"Turn it off. Wipe it down. Put it back in Aunt Lorraine's purse and apologize to her. Now."

"This isn't pony meat, it's turkey. Well, don't listen to your brother then."

"I'm gonna football as much as I damn house. My house. Beer please'm."

"Wipe the damn grin off your face and push Lucky off of your leg. Now."

"Watch it, mister."

"Yes, I'm sure it was funny in 1977. Now stop playing with your mashed potatoes and eat them, Richard Dreyfuss."

"Forks are not catapults!"

What's that? You want more zeppelin humor? Okay.

V.O.
And now, let's take to the skies, where adventure starts with a Z! That's right, it's time for another exciting installment of...Zeppelin Pilots! Tonight's episode: Hell Hath No Fury Like A Zeppelin Scorned!

Captain Vanderplant stands proudly at the wheel of his zeppelin, his jaunty scarf fluttering in the cool evening breeze. Next to him stands the Lady Lavalliere, a strikingly beautiful woman who is clearly wealthy and refined. She sips her martini and gazes off into the night sky. Both of them speak with upper class accents.

The hum of the zeppelin's propellor is everpresent in the background.

After a lengthy beat...

CAPTAIN VANDERPLANT
I know what you're thinking.

LADY LAVALLIERE
What's that?

CAPTAIN
You're thinking..."there's something about a zeppelin."

LADY
(looking longingly at the captain) Close. I'm thinking "there's something about a man piloting a zeppelin."

CAPTAIN
Ha ha ha! You flatter me, Lady Lavalliere. Careful. The zeppelin, she is a jealous lady.

LADY
Oh peshaw. You speak as if you are married to this...this zeppelin.

CAPTAN
In a way I am. I know it seems silly to you, but we zeppelin pilots are forever betrothed to our gas-filled brides. The zeppelins.

LADY
So devoted to this zeppelin are you? So devoted as to be blind to my advances?

CAPTAIN
Ever am I called to her helium-filled bosom.

LADY
(pressing up against him) There is so much more than helium in my bosom, captain.

CAPTAIN
Milady, please! I must concentrate on piloting...the zeppelin.

LADY
(pulls away) Oh blast! I fear that the clouds surrounding this zeppelin are nothing compared to the clouds in your mind!

CAPTAIN
My mind is as clear as the course we are currently taking from New York to Philadelphia! Now if you'll excuse me, we are but an hour into our six hour journey. During that time, I must focus on my mistress. My love. My zeppelin.

LADY
You've made a fool of me!

She tosses her drink in his face and walks off.

CAPTAIN
Ah! My eyes! The vodka stings my eyes!

The captain releases the steering wheel and frantically wipes the vodka from his face. Doc and Tiny run onto the deck. Doc speaks with a Southern accent and Tiny is very dumb.

DOC
Captain, we felt the zeppelin lurch suddenly! What in tarnation is going on up here?

CAPTAIN
(gets both hands on the steering wheel again) Flirtation. Resisted. Vodka. Eyes!

TINY
(pointing) Muh...muh...muh...

DOC
Consarnit, what is it, Tiny?

TINY
Mountain!

CAPTAIN
We're heading straight for that mountain! Curse the bitch named 'Fate'!

DOC
Well I'll be a rattlesnake's biscuit! But what mountain is between New York and Philadelphia?

CAPTAIN
No time for logic! We're going to crash!

TINY
Ah!

CAPTAIN
Brace yourself!

There is a long beat here as the three of them brace themselves for an impact that never comes.

CAPTAIN
This is it!

There is another long pause. They begin to look uncomfortable.

V.O.
This concludes this week's episode of Zeppelin Pilots. Next week: And The Wind Cried 'Zeppelin'.

I am currently on the Atkins diet. It's AWESOME. I have already shed a number of pounds in a matter of a certain amount of time, and my energy level is through the roof! Here's how it works. Every day I am allowed to eat as much as I want without counting calories, but what I consume must be limited to BEEF and CAFFEINE. It's awesome!

I love

Folger Bugers
Steakspresso Roast

and many other hilariously named dishes that are clearly nothing more than combinations of beef and coffee related items! Or sometimes I can "take a left turn" and have something such as

Jolt Stew.

Anyway, welcome to my procrastination. I am sitting here watching the 11th inning of game one of the Red Sox / Athletics playoff series, and it's quite engrossing. What I SHOULD be doing is writing comedy and/or comedy-related stuff for comedic purposes. Nope. Just writing this. And I think we can all agree that this is anything but comedic.

beefuccino!

Okay, the next post will be more. Posty.