So apparently I am a finalist for "unique comedy performance" (I think that's the category) for the 2004 Nightlife Awards. I think that's the name of the show. Anyway, some googling has revealed that the show is indeed real:

Town Hall's website

Strange. I had no idea I had even been nominated, and now I find out I'm a finalist just two weeks before the ceremony. Also, I'm not sure what exactly I'm being nominated for. The woman who called me mentioned the nomination was for Francisco Guglioni, but she didn't know if it was for one specific performance, if it was for the Giant Tuesday show, or if I was just being recognized for my slightly above average ability to say surreal and silly things in a vaguely almost Italian or maybe Spanish accent.

True story.

UPDATE! Once again, I have googled my way to enlightenment. It turns out that by the time I had been notified of my nomination, the award had already been won by Demetri Martin:

the winners of the awards that up until yesterday I had no idea existed

No shame in losing to him. Funny guy who's been kicking major comedy butt over the past year or so.

So do I still drag my sorry ass to this ceremony?

Forgive me if this is ground well-covered, but I haven't seen an episode of NYPD Blue Street Hills in ages. My Mom's watching it now. Now I have nothing against profanity, and those of you who are even the least bit familiar with my writing and performing would probably venture to say that I am actually an avid profaniteur (just made that word up fuckballs) myself. Which I am. However, on this particular episode of Street Blues: NYPD Hill, it seems that they are trying extra hard to cram the word asshole wherever they can into the script. Maybe this was the very first episode in which they were allowed to use the word asshole? I'm not sure. The point is, the dialogue, though certainly more "street" and "blue" and "NYPD", is also very stilted sounding. Here is a sample snippet from what I'm hearing in the next room right now:

COP #1 - Look, Tayshaun. I know you're mad about what happened to your sister, but can this asshole crap.
Tayshaun - (defiantly) I don't know nothin'!
COP #2 - You wanna be an asshole? Fine. But if you don't help us get the asshole who did this, you're just another spineless asshole.
COP #1 - Asshole.
Tayshaun - It was too dark, I couldn't see the asshole!
COP #2 - Was it this asshole? (pushes some photos towards Tayshaun)
COP #1 - How about this asshole? (points at a photo)
Tayshaun - Stop being such assholes! I told you I didn't see nothin'!
COP #2 - (writes the word 'asshole' in really tiny letters on a piece of paper and holds it up across the room) Read this out loud.
Tayshaun - "Asshole."
COP #1 - Your eyes aren't so bad! C'mon, you must have gotten asshole some glimpse of this asshole!
Tayshaun - He had...he had a bunch of tattoos! Like a real asshole would.
COP #2 - Now we're talking!

(lengthy awkward pause)

COP #2 (con.) - Um...asshole?
COP #1 - Can you describe the tattoos?
Tayshaun - He had the word 'asshole' tattooed across his back. And he had a tattoo on his actual asshole. Don't ask me how I saw that one.
COP #2 - Nah, only an asshole would pursue that line of questioning.
COP #1 - And we're not assholes.

(a light rhythm begins in the background...bumbumbum bumbumbum...)

COP #2 - Assholes, we're not! Not-by-a-long-shot!
COP #1 - Assholes? Not us!
COP #s 1 & 2 - We're cops! And we're going to catch the asshole-
COP #2 - Who raped
COP #1 - Chatrelle!

(I don't know why it turns into a musical you twatflappers)

I hate booking a comedy show. Don't get me wrong, I love creating the show every week, but I simply hate booking it. So here's the deal, comedians. If you're NOT funny, please stop asking me for spots.

Conundrum! No comedian who is not funny actually knows they are not funny. Therefore, how do I know I am not not funny?

Maybe I'm one of those comedians who absolutely has no idea that he or she (good Lord another conundrum) is merely a talentless attention-seeker wasting everyone's time with their crapfuck shitfest stupid words? So why do I even book myself?

Hmm. I'm self-aware enough to realize this post sucks. That's a start, I suppose.

So, I've seen The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King three times now, and I can honestly say that I will probably see it at least three more times. Geez Louise I can't get enough of these movies. I'm a 32 year-old man with the taste of a 14 year-old Dungeon Master. Seriously. Taste me. That's Dorito dust on my skin, my friend, and these corduroys are rank with B.O. and Dr. Pepper. You better roll a 14 or higher to get down with me and my graph paper.

What I mean is, what the fuck? How can I tear-up at the sight of horsemen charging into battle? At the sight of giant eagles? I am wired with Nerd Emotions v. 3.0.

The Lord of the Rings movies now stand as my favorite films of all time. Hands down. In fact, it's really just one giant film, and it is the most amazing thing I've ever seen as a moviegoer/geek/fighter/magicuser. Just wanted to say that. Sigh.

I'd like to apologize in advance to all of my future audience-members for the rise in Tolkien/D&D-type humor that you may detect in my work.

Ride! Riiiiiiiiide!

UPDATE: I've now seen ROTK four times in a span of eight days. Somebody stop me!

UPDATE: FIVE TIMES as of 12/26/03. You know something? I need to do more slo-mo hugging.

UPDATE: SIX! aaaaaaaigh!

MEMO

From: Andres du Bouchet (drunk/nude)
To: The bathroom mirror (streaked with toothpaste)
Re: Various proposed "Cunilingus Rap" lyrics in no particular order + some notes

When it comes to downtown lickin'
And nether-regions pleasin'
My tongue's got more kickin'
than Buffy's second season!

Some cats start with the alphabet
Thinking tracing letters with their tongues'll make you wet
But I got a better curriculum planned for your pelvis
I done studied up on Tolkien and now BAM I know Elvish

So lie back and relax as my tongue starts to track
You be so surprised you giggle like I was Bernie Mac
And I done scolded that kid with the glasses in a funny way
Now be flippin' over girl, and keep that ass splayed

I'll make a bee-line for your honey and go "Weird Science" on yo ass
I put the oingo and the boingo in your groin girl

My only regret is that I got only one tongue
And a minute of air is the capacity of my lungs
'Cause if I had my way I'd spend all day
spelunking, nose-dunking, white boy myth debunking
Until you're thinking just one thing
This frisky motherfucker done made my cooch sing
Make it so tired it'll need a sling
my dribbles of drool grace your crotch like bling bling
Just call your V pong and my T'll give it some ping
That ain't a thunderstorm it's just me gurgling

You say the grass on the field needs to be mown
Before a lickmeister like me can go down on the zone
But hey you know what I say
I'll just build a nest like an Osprey
And make it homebase as I dive off the cliff face
of your mound and into the fjord
Lord your crotch won't ever be bored
I got more activities lined up than a sing

You'll think you sent your pussy to Club Med

The way I see it your pussy is like twenty five singles
And my tongue is the

(note to self - I can see I'm having trouble with the Club Med metaphor - I'm going for the "tongue as entertainment director" thing. also, not sure"fjord" is being used properly)

Gimme a V gimme an A gimme and an I, N, A!
You think I forgot the G but that's the spot where I'll pray
Five times a day like a muslim's got Mecca I've got your

(note - find a antonym for vagina that rhymes with Mecca? insulting to muslims to mention Mecca in a rap about oral sex?)

THIS TUESDAY, DECEMBER 16TH AT 8PM

COME SEE THE SEASON FINALE OF THE SHOW TIME OUT NEW YORK CALLS:

"NYC's BEST COMEDY-VARIETY SHOW (CUMBERSOME TITLE DIVISION)."

THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S GIANT. IT'S AMAZING. IT'S...

GIANT TUESDAY NIGHT OF AMAZING INVENTIONS AND ALSO THERE IS A GAME!!!

No guest comics this week! Just our favorite sketches, invention and character bits from the past year and a half! Solid, non-stop hilarity. So come on by, plunk down 5 bucks and spend this Tuesday with:

Six-time Boliviguayan Entertainer-of-the-Year Francisco Guglioni!

Inventor extraordinaire and former child star Michael Reisman!

Six-million Dollar Man Steve Austin!

Master carpenter Tad Hamsmith!

The ravishingly talented Deb Rabbai!

Jonny Fido!

The insidious Desayuno Carnacion!

Former creator of Mediashower and current comic genius Jamie Greenberg!

Insanely talented musical trio The Spicy Meat Brothers!

And...

THE MEN FROM HEFNER TEN!

With...

WHISTLEPELLA!

All this Tuesday.

at 8pm.

at UNDER St. Marks
94 St. Marks Place
between First Ave. and Ave. A
tickets are five measley bucks

available at the door
or on smarttix.com
or by calling 212-868-4444

And me? I'm Andres du Bouchet.

So today I taped a segment for Comedy Central's Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn.

I played Saddam Hussein.

It'll be on tonight at 11:30pm.

I'm not sure how it came out, since I couldn't really hear the other performers all that well, and they were ad-libbing like crazy.

Anyway, it was fun to wear a fake beard and mustache, and to get made up like I had just been dragged out of a hole.

I dunno. I just don't.

I am climbing the ladder of success ONE RUNG AT A TIME! It looks like I'll be playing Saddam Hussein in a sketch on Comedy Central's Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn next week. I will have actual dialogue, making this a definite step-up from my last television appearance as the pantsless weatherman in the slo-mo weatherman montage on Late Night With Conan O'brien. At this rate, by 2038 I will have my own television show! And so will everyone else. They will each be 10 to 15 seconds long, and they will be projected onto the insides of our eyelids in split-second increments while we blink. But my show will be the only one featuring a 67 year-old man (me) interviewing his own smell. Don't ask.

JUST ADDED: Oops. I open my big blog mouth about my new role and they capture the fucker. I wonder if this will effect the bit?

JUST JUST ADDED: We're still taping it. Now I'm Saddam by phone from prison. In other news, I saw Return of the King today at an advanced screening nah nah nah nah nahNAH. It was thunderous and good and I will see it at least two or three more times on the big screen. Okay who am I kidding, I'll probably see it four or five more times.

GTN 2003 SEASON FINALE

15-SECOND TV SPOT

EDITED SHOT LIST [12/13/03 draft]

00:00 - 00:01 | THIS TUESDAY / Deb Rabbai V.O. "This Tuesday"
00:01 - 00:03 | slo-mo Francisco dodging beer cans hurled from lighting booth / "Share in the holiday joy"
00:03 - 00:05 | slo-mo Whoop-Ass wrestling Cocoa the Invisible Performing Baboon / "Let the season's spirit move you"
00:05 - 00:07 | slo-mo wormhole repairman macing Francisco / "Reach out to your friends"
00:07 - 00:09 | slo-mo Zagat Boy reading from the Zagat Restaurant guide / "And do as the good book says...see"
00:09 - 00:12 | w/ audio Francisco singing w/Spicy Meat Brothers / (singing) "Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions (of Amazing Inventions) And Also There Is A Game!"
00:12 - 00:15 | GTN SEASON FINALE - THIS TUESDAY DECEMBER 16TH! / Deb Rabbai V.O. "This Tuesday, December 16th join Francisco Guglioni and the entire GTN gang for the season finale of Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions And Also There Is A Game!!! No guest comics - just our favorite GTN sketches from the past year and a half! (superfast) this Tuesday December 16th @ 8pm at 94 St. Marks Place tickets are $5 available at the door on smarttix.com or by calling 212-868-4444 GTN is not responsible for any wormhole-related injuries loss of property mutations or microdonkeybot infestations true story"

"Victory is mine!"

At least that's what you're thinking.

And let's face it, you've got good reason to. There you are, standing upon the brink of a vast emptiness, your right hand gripping the tattered remnants of your foe's cloak, their ongoing scream swiftly receeding into the inky blackness below you.

You've won! Of that there can be no doubt.

After all, you've just cast your nemesis into THE PIT OF NO RETURN.

He, she, or in some especially alarming cases "it" won't be returning.

Yeah, right. Just keep telling yourself that. Hi, I'm a blog entry written in the voice of a man with an impressively loud voice. How are you? Good. Did you know that most PITS OF NO RETURN are only between 95% and 97% effective? That's right, in about 4 out of every 100 cases, the person or thing that you're trying to NOT have return, actually returns. What's THAT all about? I mean really!

Would you buy a toaster that didn't toast every 96th slice of bread?

Would you buy a car with a break pedal that, in lieu of actually bringing your vehicle to a halt, did nothing other than make a strange whoopy-cushion like noise every 96th time you pressed down on it?

Would you pay a hooker to just sit there? I mean c'mon!

I could go on. SO I WILL!

Would your bring your pregnant wife to an obstetrician who immediately gave a tattoo of a pony shitting donuts to every 96th baby they delivered? Across their back? And the obstetrician applied the tattoo in such a skilled manner that, as your child grew older, the tattoo of the pony shitting donuts on his or her back would only grow more and more elaborately detailed? And with like, curse words and stuff? Somehow?

PARDON MY TANGENT. My point is, they should call it THE PIT OF A 96% CHANCE OF NOT RETURNING. And when you want something to absolutely 100% not return, that's just not good enough.

And that's why I'm here to introduce THE PIT OF MAXIMUM NO RETURN.

Using a combination of skilled craftsmen, precision tools, magic and "patented not returning from a pit" technology, we've managed to create a pit from which the thing you don't want to return will actually never return. That's the maximum amount of not returning that's possible to offer, and we do so without hesitation.

Don't want your mother-in-law to ever return? Go ahead and use a PIT OF NO RETURN.

Don't want your mother-in-law to maximumly ever return? We've got the pit for you.

THE PIT OF MAXIMUM NO RETURN. We're so confident of the effectiveness of our pit from which the things you put in it will never return, that we're willing to make the THE PIT OF MAXIMUM NO RETURN GUARANTEE. If you put something into THE PIT OF MAXIMUM NO RETURN, and it returns (it won't), we'll cast that pit of maximum no return into a pit of maximum no return and refund the purchase price of your original pit of

Fuck this shit. Bedtime.

In order to prepare for a new writing project that I'm working on, I've been doing a lot of reading about bigfoot lately. Seriously. Anyway, though my initial attitude about the subject was "of course it's not a real phenomenon", what I have read has led me to accept the possibility that there may indeed be a species of giant ape in North America that has thus far managed to elude any direct encounter with humans. I'm still skeptical, but like I said, I'm willing to accept the possibility. What has changed my mind? Perusing this website:

The Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization

It's a rather comprehensive site that catalogues and catagorizes claims of bigfoot encounters in North America. What struck me as interesting, and what piqued my curiosity were the consistent similarities between the various reports, regardless of year, region, or the type of person reporting. It's great late night reading. Creeeeeeeepy. Anyway, pick a region, and scan the reports. And if you live in an area with thick woodlands nearby, keep your eyes peeled.

I am now officially a big-time Hollywood MOVER and SHAKER!

Check out my IMDb Listing bee-izzle-yotches!

That's right. Assistant Director: Second Unit.

Now, I don't want to reveal too many SPOILERS! about this hilarious blockbuster directed by fellow comedian Paul Sullivan, which stars ACTUAL PEOPLE YOU'VE HEARD OF SUCH AS FRED WILLARD, so I'd rather not go into too much detail about what my Second Unit Assistant Director responsibilities entailed. Suffice it to say, my assistance in directing the second unit was paramount to the success of this project. You might even say I provided "secondary assistance". Or to put it simply, my directorial assistance in secondarily assisting the second unit direction was so thorough and complete, that the production did not need to resort to any tertiary...assistance.

Or unit.

Anyway, look out for it. First Time Caller. And when those credits roll, keep your eyes peeled for my name! Don't just get up as soon as you're done applauding. Stay a while. Relax. Really let those credits roll.

For a while.

And there I'll be! Hollywood mover and shaker: Andres du Bouchet.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to bring Mr. Sullivan his pants.

One night last week I burst out laughing just as I was falling asleep. I made a mental note to write down the hilarious thought the next morning. Here it is:

"Fireflies would be terrifying if they flew around in equidistant pairs that lit up at the same time."

LOL!

What the fuck? Why did I think that was so hysterical just as I was drifting off to sleep? True, but not hysterical. I mean, can you imagine? Seeing these floating, glowing pairs of lights? Like eyes? I think that's what I was going for.

Don't look at me like that.

...which can best be described as a little wire-sculpted scene consisting of a larger Jesus Fish eating the Darwin amphibian. These sold well. Then Mr. Njalson released yet another version of his design using this one as a jumping point: it was a Darwinphibian about to be eaten by a Jesus Fish which was in turn being speared by a primate-type creature. In turn, the United Affiliation Of Churchgoing Artistic Welders, or UAOCAW, as I shall refer to them from this point on, designed an ornament that consisted of a Darwinphibian about to be eaten by a Jesus Fish which was being speared by a primate who, in turn, was being struck by lightning from a giant storm cloud in the shape of a fist. Settle down ladies and gentlemen of the jury! At any rate, the descriptions of these various bumperlumps are merely the backdrop of this sordid

Andres du Bouchet here again. I don't actually feel like finishing this post. Eh. It was fun while it lasted. The whole Jesus Fish idea might be better served as a visual bit in my show, or as a spot somewhere. DONE. Look for it! Alright my internet cafe minutes are about to run ou

Where was I? Ah yes. Jesus Fish! We're all familiar with this particular ornament. So was my client, internationally renown sculptor Gunvard Njalson. The topic of Jesus Fish came up one evening in Fall 2002 when Gunvard and his good friends Peter Zern, science columnist for

Hi there. Andres du Bouchet here. Sorry to interrupt my own post, but lately it has come to my attention that my blog makes little to no sense. I noticed this last evening, when I perused my last few entries while sober. As "communicating effectively" is one of the primary action items that my latest me-ventory indicated was sliding deep into one of the many valleys of my PERSONALITYSCAPE (right next to the "hillock of ejaculatory anger" and the "tarn of chronic self-evaluation"), I have decided to recommit myself to...ah screw it.

Northeast Scoffer, and Chance Noir-Steinberg, host of Bravo's popular show Poncemakers!, were enjoying cocktails at New York City's popular bar, Vodkateria Deux. Together, they concocted the idea for what would later turn out to be a rather popular line of car ornaments that used the Jesus Fish as a jumping-off point. There was the Darwin amphibian, which was...okay, okay ladies and gentlemen please hold your...your honor, can you please stop their booing! Your honor, I must ask YOU to stop booing as well. I simply mentioned Darwin. Okay stop again. Thank you. It was an ornament similar in nature to the Jesus Fish, but with feet. And inside it said "Darwin" instead of "Jesus." Very clever. STOP BOOING. Now, the United Affiliation Of Churchgoing Artistic Welders then countered with their own ornament...

TO BE CONTINUED MORE! suckas.