Four American civilians were burned, dismembered and strung from a bridge where? In Falluja? FALLUJA?!? Gesundheit!!!
(crickets)
My back hurts. My head hurts. My jaw, for some fucking reason, is killing me. I think I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep lately. My fingernails taste like the chicken from five hours ago. I'm hunched over my father's 1995 laptop, each letter fading onto the screen seconds after I tap the key. This fucking computer sucks turds. Yet it's connected to a cable modem. Like giving Viagra to Stephen Hawking*. I'm in New Jersey, about two hours south of New York City. This is where my parents live, and this is where I've settled in for a few days to try and get some writing done. As you can tell, I'm off to a slow start. We'll see.
*Is it really?
Check out this page and do what comes naturally. We never had this conversation.
New to my blog? Wondering how I generate such a vast dearth of hilarity? Well, I've created this short film to help you understand my creative process. Enjoy!
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
And how much ground would a groundhog hog if a groundhog only could?
And just how blue would a bluejay be if a bluejay flew by me?
Well not that blue
'Cause I'll tell you
I'm the curious woodsman!
HAHAHAHAHA!
Wake up woods! Wake up! It's another glorious frosty mountain morning!
Wake up Mr. Squirrel! Wake up Mrs. Possum! Oh wait, you're nocturnal. MY BAD!
How did nocturnality develop in certain small mammals anyway? Some sort of adaptive behavior linked to predator evasion, I guess. HAHAHAHA! I'm just so curious!
WAKE UP WOODS OF THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST!
Hi there. I'm comedian Andres du Bouchet, and I've just gone completely mad. From now on, I'll be writing from the point of view of a rugged yet mildly psychotic loner who lives in the woods of the Pacific Northwest, and who likes to speak and sing to the flaura and fauna of his forest home. Enjoy!
I'm sorry my posts have been so brief of late, but it's very hard to type while still giving the finger.
I think my post below was inspired by reading Todd Levin's blog. In which he mentions me giving the finger. Maybe I should just give myself the finger in a mirror. You know what? I just described the inside of every comic's brain.
So this week I abruptly quit my temp job and decided to never work in an office environment again. To all the people I've worked with at temp jobs, please don't take this personally, but:
I am now giving the finger.
Q: What do you a call a dog with no legs and no tail?
A: Rocket Dog!
I would also have accepted Hover Dog.
This has been not a joke, but merely a straightforward question answered enthusiastically. In the year 2036.
Have you shaken my hand lately? If so, I apologize. You see, once a year or so, my hands become dry, papery, flakey-fingered husks with blistering, raw fingertips. I'm looking at them right now. I can see several spots on both of my hands where I could just peeeeeeel away the skin...easily at first. And then with some wincing struggle. Blood, etc. LOL!
Did you guys see the new Fall TV Preview issue of TV Guide? Endgame: The Final Capture of Osama Bin Laden, a special live telecast is scheduled for October 19th. Weird.
After reading the last two posts, I know what you're thinking:
Northeast Regional Role-Playing Game, Comic Book, Sci-Fi & Fantasy Convention Performer Of The Year, 1996-1998 and 2001?!?! What happened to 1999, 2000, 2002 and 2003???
Aragorn Friedman, that's what happened. You read me right. The guy had his first name legally changed to Aragorn back in 1997 - he had a hunch I guess. Maybe a pal at New Line. Who knows.
NOTE: lyrics in italics are sampled from The Darkness' "I Believe In A Thing Called Love"
---
Yeah girl.
I can't hold it in no mo
so HERE WE GO!
When
it
comes to coochy lickin'
And nether regions pleasin'
My tongue's got more kickin'
Than Buffy's second season
My mouth's the coochy fixer
My saliva the elixir
That will lube your tube for my fleshy intrude-
-er. I'm like a hungry wolf. Grrr!
Some cats start with the alphabet
Thinking tracin' letters with their tongues'll make you wet
But I got a better curriculum for your pelvis
I done studied up on Tolkien and now BAM I know Elvish
Touchin youuuuuuuuuuu!
I'll go Weird Science on your cooch girl
Touchin' meeeeeeee!
I'll put the oingo and the boingo in your groin girl
Yeah cha touchin hoooo!
If my tongue were an iPod
and songs were licks
There'd be 40 gigs of pleasure
just waitin' to trip
off the tip of my lips to the midst of the lips between your hips
DAMN!
my tongue's so fast it could guest-star on CHiPs
Bein' chased down the highway by Eric Estrada
Don't worry girl El No Tiene Nada
on me
we're homefree
I'm gonna drive your coochy to my own damn country
a place I call
The United Re-Pubic Of Damn You Comin' Already Girl?!?!
Touchin youuuuuuuuuuu!
I'll go Weird Science on your cooch girl
Touchin' meeeeeeee!
I'll put the oingo and the boingo in your groin girl
Yeah cha touchin hoooo!
My only regret is that I got only one tongue
And a minute of air is the capacity of my lungs
'Cause if I had my way
I'd spend all day
spelunking
nose-dunking
white boy myth debunking
Until you're thinking
just one thing
This frisky motherfucker done made my cooch sing!
Made it so tired it'll need a sling
my dribbles of drool grace your crotch like bling bling
Yeah I said "Re-Pubic" before, I took out the L
For a childish joke that I thought worked quite well
Now that missing L could put to better use
As the first letter of all the things I wanna do to your caboose
Freestyle!
Lick lather love lap
laminate your coochy with my freaky love sap
loose lips sink dicks
I'll keep hirin' you and firin' you
just so's I can give you the pink slip
One coochy two coochy three coochy four.
All this extra coochy just makes me want your coochy more
Clear your coochy foyer
I'm gonna bust down your coochy door
J'adore
your coochy
I'd sooner watch Death to Smoochy
than spend a day without your coochy
We're gonna break it down now!
gimme a V
gimme an A
gimme a G
gimme an I
gimme an N
gimme a V
gimme an A
gimme a V
gimme an A
DAMN, we spelled "Vaginvava"!
but my brain's
gone down your drain
so let's just hit the refrain
are you comin' yet girl?
touchin' you hooo oooooooo
are you comin' yet girl?
touchin' me hee eeeeeee
are you comin' yet girl
yeah choo touchin hooo yoo hooooooooo!
Are you feelin' me girl
Just listen to the beatin' of my heart!
How 'bout that you feelin' that girl? Like that?
Just listen to the beatin' of my heart!
Yeah what if I try this, just go over here and try THAT how 'bout that yeah?
Yeah choo touchin hoo yoooooooo!!
PEACE!
Arise! Arise! And grab your 20-sided dies
For tonight instead of stand-up I've a wonderful surprise!
A charisma of 18!
This fabulous routine!
That's just about Dungeons & Dragons!
Plunk down your drink chip and grab a flagon!
Of wine, or beer, they're standing in the rear!
We'll rock this hip joint as we accumulate hit points...
The night has just begun, SO MAKE YOUR SAVING THROWS FOR FUN!
That's how I used to open my set when I was the Northeast Regional Role-Playing Game, Comic Book, Sci-Fi & Fantasy Convention Performer Of The Year, 1996-1998 and 2001.
As you can see, my current temp job is not exactly a(n?) humorously inspirational environment.
Whew. Alright, I just got back from my fictional doctor, and it assured me that I am neither gay nor on steroids. However, it seemed to think that these past five posts have been a bit of a waste. Fuckin' iguana.
Um. HEY, so Mars used to be wet, but over the past millions of years it's become a barren, dry wasteland that's constantly being blasted by hot wind!
Now, if I only knew the name of some famous older woman who is married to or lovers with some infamous loudmouth, I'd have a joke here.
Good news! I'm off the steroids. But you guessed it, I'm still gay. Stay tuned.
Alright now I'm gay too. Madcap world. I need a waxing.
Check that. It turns out I'm on steroids as well. Crazy world.
Well, it's official. Everyone but me is either gay or on steroids. What a world.