THE POWER OF COFFEE:

I'm going to be a secretary until I'm an old man, and then I'm going to die.

(sip of coffee)

This is only a temporary stop on my way to stardom!

Was there a midget on American Idol last night? If not, today has seen the most amazingly coincidental confluence of google searches EVER. And many of them have arrived here. Apparently, with hopes of finding midget-related American Idol information. Fascinating. As you were.

Here's a real place I've been made aware of just recently:

The School For Children With Hidden Intelligence

That's gotta be one of the most optimistically named schools ever. Without even attempting to do any research whatsoever into what the school is actually all about, I would now like to briefly make fun of it:

"Oh no, Mrs. Jones, your son isn't stupid. His intelligence is merely hidden. We just need to find it. Perhaps it's inside that fudge-smeared backpack he totes around. Or perhaps he's about to find it inside that discarded truck tire that is frequently marked by roving mongrels. Nope. Looks like all he's found is a Twix wrapper. Which he's now licking."

Cross-Country Midgets: Triumph of the Midgets has been nominated for 11 Academy Awards! YES!

I thought the first two films, the amazing Cross-Country Midgets: Off Go the Midgets and the even more spectacular Cross-Country Midgets: Assault on Midget Castle were both robbed. In ten years, will anyone remember "A Beautiful Mind" or "Chicago" or even "Mystic River"? Nope. It'll be Cross-Country Midget Weekend on TNT, and your local megaplexes will be showing the Cross-Country Midget Marathon. These movies about midgets that travel cross-country in order to destroy an evil bracelet with the aid of a magician, a human warrior, an acrobat and a talking dog are among my favorites ever. Let's go midgets!

Thanks everybody, settle down. I am pleased to announced that the Mars rover Opportunity has landed, and appears to be functioning properly! YEAH! Alright, please folks, settle down. I know it's an exciting time, but let's not get too carried away. As we all know, these Mars probes tend to last an average of only two days or so before they malfunction or get damaged. So here's what we're going to do. Starting today, and for the foreseeable future, we will be launching a new Mars probe every two days!! That's right, we will be completely bombarding Mars with probes! Alright! Hey, hey. Listen up! I know that the thought of having a brand new probe transmitting gorgeous 3-D pictures of the Martian surface and/or transmitting information about its own malfunctioning or damaged hardware and/or software AND/OR just completely blipping off our systems entirely to indicate its destruction or at least untrackable loss is AWESOME, but let's keep our heads about us, folks. These every-other-day probes will each be useful for a very brief period of time, if at all, so we've got to be ready, on our toes, IN THE GAME, to process and analyze whatever information, again, IF ANYTHING, the probe sends back. This is go time people. Yes time, now time, NASA time! Woo! Alright, it looks like the Opportunity has begun its malfunctioning cycle, so let's get on that!

Woo hoo! I just won a Golden Globe!

If you know what I mean. Rowr.

Today's disturbing image that just popped into my mind for no particular reason is:

A PILE OF SEVERED ELBOWS

I can't stop thinking about American Idol. For years, I have pondered how it is possible to know you are a legitimately talented person, and not one of the many self-deluded freaks who for some reason, despite little or no positive feedback*, is convinced that they have something to offer as an artist. American Idol is overflowing with such people. Poor bastard freaks who, for a good portion of their lives, have existed under the staggering delusion that they don't SUCK ASS. In fact, they are so devoid of any self-awareness, that when Simon Whatshisface tells them that they are terrible TO THEIR FACE, they get mad and insist he's wrong. Now, I'm all for perservering in the face of cold hard truth and all, and I'd wager that a tiny percentage of those "bastard freaks" as I've dubbed them, actually do eventually get their shit together and prove themselves to be talented, BUT, I get the feeling that the majority of these wasteholes would suck unto the end of time and never, ever, ever even catch a whiff of the vast disapproval of all who encounter the vacuums that are they. No time to edit that sentence. In fact, they would probably behave similarly even if they were to appear on Basic Addition Idol!

SIMON
And what will you be adding for us, Tonique?

TONIQUE
I will be adding 2 and 4.

RANDY
Whoah dog, now you must be good.

TONIQUE
Yeah, yeah. I know that.

PAULA
Okay knock us out!

TONIQUE
Yeah. Well 2 and 4 is 8.

SIMON
That was, without a doubt, the worst job of adding 2 and 4 that I've ever seen.

TONIQUE
Yeah that's your opinion.

SIMON
Two and four is clearly six!

TONIQUE
That's your opinion! I got talent!

and. scene.

*Aha! I suddenly felt better halfway through this sentence.

Just as the President of the United States gives his State of the Union Address every year, so too do I give my own annual speech: The State of the Union of the Snake Address.

Ahem. My dear fellow Americans. I am pleased to announce, that for the 20th year running, the Union of the Snake is on the climb. It's gonna race, it's gonna break, and oh yes I am confident that it's gonna move up to the borderline. (pause for applause) If I listen close, I can hear them singers! Oh-oh-oh! Voices in your body coming through on the radio-oh-oh! Thank you and goodnight! God Bless America!

I just watched American Idol for the first time, and I can definitely see the pull of this show. I'll try to watch as many episodes as I can this season, though I don't know if subsequent installments will be as mesmerizing as this first one which featured all of the disastrous freak auditions. Here's a thing:

RANDY
And what will you be singing?

LANCE
I will be singing "Family Snapshot" by Peter Gabriel.

PAULA
Wow, interesting choice.

SIMON
Hmm. Alright whenever you're ready.

LANCE
The streets are lined with camera crews
Everywhere he goes is news
Today is different
Today is not the same
Today I make the action
Take snapshot into the light, snapshot into the light
I'm shooting into the light

Four miles down the cavalcade moves on
Driving into the sun
If I worked it out right
They won't see me or the gun

Two miles to go, they're clearing the road
The cheering has really begun
I've got my radio
I can hear what's going on

I've been waiting for this
I have been waiting for this
All you people in TV land
I will wake up your empty shells
Peak-time viewing blown in a flash
As I burn into your memory cells
'Cos I'm alive

They're coming 'round the corner with the bikers at the front
I'm wiping the sweat from my eyes
-It's a matter of time
-It's a matter of will
And the governor's car is not far behind
He's not the one I've got in mind
'Cos there he is-the man of the hour, standing in the limousine
'I don't really hate you
-I don't care what you do
We were made for each other
-Me and you
I want to be somebody
-You were like that too
If you don't get given you learn to take
And I will take you.'

Holding my breath
Release the catch
And I let the bullet fly

All turned quiet-I have been here before
Lonely boy hiding behind the front door
Friends have all gone home
There's my toy gun on the floor
Come back Mum and Dad
You're growing apart
You know that I'm growing up sad
I need some attention
I shoot into the light

SIMON
Hmm.

RANDY
Yeah, yeah. Alright.

PAULA
Beautiful voice.

RANDY
Yeah, dog, you've got some pipes.

LANCE
Wow, thank you. Thank you.

SIMON
Right. Um. Lance, can I ask you something?

LANCE
Oh sure Simon, anything.

SIMON
What is that song about?

LANCE
Gee, beats me. It's just a real pretty song, y'know? It's just pretty.

RANDY
Yeah dog.

PAULA
Such a pretty song, and such a beautiful voice.

SIMON
So that's why you picked the song? Because it's pretty.

LANCE
Oh definitely.

SIMON
And that T-shirt you're wearing, what's that?

LANCE
Oh this is just a shirt of a photo of the President with some line doodly things around it.

PAULA
Just some lines. It's a pretty shirt.

SIMON
Because to me, that shirt looks like a picture of George W. Bush in the crosshairs of a gun.

LANCE
What? Oh no no no.

RANDY
It's just a cool T-shirt, you be trippin' Simon! Dog!

SIMON
Tell me what the song is about, Lance, and what it means to you.

LANCE
Oh gee, like I said, I've always thought it was a pretty song, and you know I can relate to it.

PAULA
We can all relate to songs that pretty.

RANDY
Dog, you got some pipes! I'm black.

SIMON
You can relate to it how? Lance, have you ever even paid attention to those lyrics?

LANCE
Ah, it's just some stuff about a guy looking at cars. With a gun. And stuff.

SIMON
It's about a man who is going to try to assassinate someone!

LANCE
I don't see where you get that. It's just a nice tune.

Anyway, I could go on with this sketch, but it's not going anywhere, and I'd rather watch some basketball on tv and then go to bed. Tomorrow I temp for the first time again in ages. Oh fuck.

I am sick, so I won't be hosting Luna tonight.

Tomorrow I will definitely host GTN no matter what. No guest hosts for me. I will instead froth and snottify the stage. A hacking, coughing smudge.

Right now I feel as if there is a forest of pine trees in my throat. Bereft of their pine fresh scent, they are instead merely scraping. Scraping.

This Zirtec stuff has got me sky fucking high. Xirtec? Zirtec. I dunno.

Wow. Looking back at yesterday's tiger post, I find the obvious and complete lack of effort completely astoublahblahblah.

Oh goodness, this one is even worse.

Hundreds Begin Massive Tiger Count in India.

DAY - # OF TIGERS - # OF CENSUS TAKERS

1 - 8 - 342

2 - 17 - 341

3 - 23 - 341

4 - 34 - 339

5 - 35 - 338

6 - 48 - 334

Get it??!?!? The tigers are eating the...eh. Nevermind.

I can tell that someone from Goldman Sachs is looking at my website right now. At least that's what my handy dandy Sitemeter is telling me. Hey there! YOU! Bankerperson! Get back to work!

Givin' a little bit of the Big Brother back, you dig?

I made the mistake of going to a DRESSAGE PARLOUR today.

Boy my back is killing me!

I don't even get this joke (yes I do). Heck, I wrote it, so it must be funny.

This whole NO HUMILITY thing is fun!

ANOTHER FORMAT CHANGE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Though response to the new push-up tally board format was extremely enthusiastic, I've decided to revert back to semi-regular attempts at posting marginally entertaining half-thoughts. For example, if you see an entry that reads:

So over the holidays I spent some quality time with my girlfriend and her parents. During dinner one evening, the subject of football came up, and my girlfriend's father mentioned that he was a huge Eagles fan. Then my girlfriend's mother chimed in with "Oh yes, sometimes he gets so worked up during the games, I'm afraid the neighbors are going to think he's harming me or something!" I thought about this for a second, and wondered what he could possibly yell at a football game that could be that bad. I decided she had to be exaggerating. Then I actually spent some time watching the Eagles game with him, and when Donovan McNabb threw an interception, he leapt out of his seat and shouted "Goddammit, you call this meatloaf?!" And then he slapped his hands together and mimicked the sounds a woman would make if she were getting slapped, including using a falsetto whine and screaming "please stop hitting me, oh God ah, ah, ahhhh." It was very odd.

You would understand that this was simply an extrapolation of something very simple my girlfriend's parents had said at dinner, which I then tacked a completely made-up resolution to. Basically, a big lie told with the hope of illiciting a chuckle or two. Incidentally, an alternate line was "Goddammit woman, I told you to clean those pots! Don't make me fuck you with this ladle!"

20

FORMAT CHANGE ANNOUNCEMENT!

From now on, this blog will not be a repository of half-baked comic ideas, but will rather be a push-up tally board.

Each day, I will post the number of push-ups that I have completed. For example, if one particular day's entry reads:

15

That means I did 15 push-ups. Thanks for supporting this blog through this challenging transition period!

Here's a new phrase (you might even call it a colloquialism*) I'd like to introduce into everyday usage:

"Muster the Rohirrim!"

Here are three examples of how we could use it:

SCENARIO #1

ARAGORN
Gondor calls for aid!

THEODEN
And Rohan will answer. Muster the Rohirrim!

SCENARIO #2

JOANNE
Let's make love after the big game tonight, honey.

MAX
I'd like to, but I'm not sure I'll be able to Muster the Rohirrim.

SCENARIO #3

HAL
(yelling) For crying out loud, Paul, when are you going to be done in the bathroom?

PAUL
(with much strain in his voice) As...soon...as...I...Muster....(plop)...the Rohirrim!


And scene. Yes, yes, I know. You're wondering if the plop was necessary. Probably not, but I just wanted to make sure that you knew what Paul was doing. In the bathroom. Because what the plop means, to me anyway, is that he was pooping. And not masturbating. Personally for me, that's...that's what I meant by um. By "plop".

Because if you think about it, which I have, obviously, a male character in a bathroom speaking with, and I'm quoting my own text here, "much strain in his voice", could easily be construed by some readers to mean that he is NOT pooping, but is instead committing an act for which I would probably have chosen the word "spurt" to evoke. The image of him. Doing. In the bath. Room. I should go to bed.

*The Kansas City Colloquialism are my favorite Major Indoor Soccer League team.

Apparently, they are now going to make a film version of the Broadway show "The Producers", which of course is based on the original film called...let me check my notes here...ah yes: "The Producers."

I can't wait for the Broadway production based on the film based on the Broadway production based on the film! It will have flying, confetti-spewing whorebots and will star Hugh Jackman, the entire cast of "Friends" in a giant centipede suit, and yes, I'm serious, the part of Max Bialystock will be played by AN ACTIVE VOLCANO. Now THAT'S spectacle!

Zero Mostel may or may not be turning in his grave, based on the degree to which he is alive.

Mel Brooks has achieved a publicity pinnacle here, what with his current sub-splot arc on "Curb Your Enthusiasm", Broderick and Lane back in the starring roles on Broadway, and this news of the film deal.

Something funny HERE, and then a clever self-deprecating remark, and I am outta here for today.

ROWYCO* in 2004!

*Rock Out With Your Cock Out

There are certain people who I would just rather not speak to anymore. The next time one of these individuals tries to intitiate a conversation with me, at a party for example, I'm simply going to look them dead in the eye and say:

"please remove"

and then I'm going to turn and walk away.

I may also say "unsubscribe", depending on my mood or desire for terseness.

When I do this, I expect that person to never utter another word to me unless I initiate the conversation.

This idea is awesome.

At some point this site really will look all professional shmessional, but until then, here's a quick blurb about a few upcoming shows I'll be doing:

Wednesday, January 7th @ 8pm
The B3 Comedy Lounge
with your host, Becky Donohue & featuring the following stupendous comedians: Jodi Young, Neil & Bethel, Patrick Borelli, Mathew Timms, David Kelsey, Rusty Ward, & Andres du Bouchet (that's me).

33 Ave B at Third St.
Take the f train to second Ave
4 dollar cover buys your first drink (rheingold, bud, wine, soda, or bottled water) Karaoke from 1030 until you can't sing no more!

Oh yeah, I'll be karaoking. Ask around. I've got PIPES!

Saturday, January 10th @ 9pm
Moonwork

Becky Donohue
Mary Birdsong & Cottonhead
Kevin Swayne
Sam Adams (I think this is a free beer joke)
Tom Shillue
and me! (I am also a free beer joke)

Greenwich Village Center
219 Sullivan St
Between Bleecker & West 3rd St
15 Dollars

I've always wanted to do this show - they always get great crowds and the cover charge gets you all-you-can-drink Sam Adams. Not a bad deal. They've requested that I do my Naked Trampoline Hamlet monologue, so I'll be dusting that ole puppy off for one last hurrah. It's seriously a hilarious piece that I, a hilarious person, am very hilarious doing when I do it. 2004! No more humility! Rock out!

Monday, January 19th @ 8:30pm
"Eating It" at Luna Lounge
171 Ludlow Street (between Houston & Stanton streets)
Doors open at 7:30pm. Admission is $8 (includes one free drink).
Valid photo ID required to enter. 21 & over only.

This will be the fifth time I've hosted this particular show. It's one of my favorite places to perform.

Friday, January 23rd @ 9:00pm
"Sweet Paprika" at the Village Lantern
hosted by Allison Castillo and Ophira Eisenberg
167 Bleecker St. bet. Thompson and Sullivan
$5 - not sure if there is some sort of drink minimum

Cool loungey atmosphere in the basement of a bar. Weird bathrooms. Good show.

Friday, January 30th @ a certain time!
No Relation Comedy
I and perhaps some of my GTN cohorts will be performing at this place.
more info to come!

Anthony and Joe Devito (no relation!) host this good time fun place.

Wednesday, February 4th @ 8:30pm
B3 - I'm hosting it - see above for info about place 'n' stuff.

Monday, February 16th @ 9:30pm
"Only Children" at Carolines Comedy Club!
James Greenberg and I are the comedy duo "Only Children" (we both are). This full-length multimedia extravaganza at Carolines includes lots of live sketch and lots of cool video stuff, including two of Jamie's great film shorts and some brand new stuff we're shooting just for this show. It should be a top-notch evening of entertainment.

CAROLINES on Broadway
1626 Broadway - between 49th and 50th I think
Make reservations: 212-757-4100
TEN BUCKS and mumble mumble mumble minimum

It'll be worth it, trust me!

And of course, you can always come by UNDER St. Marks every Tuesday night at 8pm for GIANT TUESDAY NIGHT OF AMAZING INVENTIONS AND ALSO THERE IS A GAME!!!

Yes. The three exclamation points are officially part of the title.

GTNOAIAATIAG!!!
every Tuesday at 8pm
UNDER St. Marks
94 St. Marks Place (between 1st Ave. and Ave. A)
tickets are just 5 bucks

It is the best live comedy show in New York City.

2004, the year I set humility aside!

Alright, see you at one of these shindigs.

(oh yeah, also keep your eyes peeled for the next theatrical production from Save The Town Productions - Bob Powers and I are currently in top-secret stealth development mode - we're thinking Marchish)

UPDATE: The next Save The Town Productions production will be on Saturday, March 20th at midnight! Bob and I are each writing a one-act play and presenting them in tandem.

UPDATE: I am the Kwisatz Haderach! (if you get this reference you are a bonerbrain).