THE RETURN OF CAPTAIN VICARIOUS!

Hey Gary. IT IS I! CAPTAIN VICARIOUS!!! What? Oh, sorry. Sometimes I yell. Soooo. Howzitgoin? Yeah? That's good. Do anything cool this weekend? Yeah? Ooh, right, Melissa! Yeah, she's quite the looker! So what did you guys do? Yeah? And then what? Was she into it? Yeah? Go on. Wow. Cool. Did you hold hands? Did she reach for your hand or vice versa? Oh that's awesome. I love that feeling, when a woman reaches for my hand to hold. Yeah...what are you eating? It looks great. No thanks, I just enjoy watching you enjoy it. What is it, spinach-flavored? Yeah. No, seriously, I'm not hungry. Just like watching you look satisfied. Yep. CAPTAIN VICARIOUS! Oh, sorry. Couldn't help myself that time. Where are you going? Yeah? With who? Ooh Darlene! She's nice! HEY, wait up!

Welcome to Anal's.

I was walking down the street when a friend noticed a store sign that she thought read "Anal's." It didn't. It read "Ana's." But WHAT IF the store really were called Anal's? I THINK...it might...

go a little...

something...

like...

THIS...

"Hello, welcome to Anal's. Are you shopping for erotic anus-penetration-related paraphernalia, or desk-organizing accessories?"

YES! I'm 3-for-3 today! In terms of typing things. And then hitting "post".

I am going to be a T-shirt mogul.

It struck me today. A line of T-shirts, each one with a different slogan that proclaims a different occupation to be the best at sex. Each shirt would have a snappy, naughty saying, like:

DENTISTS FUCK BETTER

or

PLUMBERS FUCK LONGER

or

ARCHITECTS DO IT WITH A PENIS

Copperschlager

This penny-flavored liquor did not prove to be popular.

Infinite Wishes

Here's a sketch that I wrote (and that James Greenberg helped shape and spiff-up) which was originally going to be in one of our Only Children shows, but now seems to be destined for the shelf:

Sounds of surf and gulls. Lights up on an empty stage.

There is a single "theater block" on the stage, (under which is a clean black T-shirt), and a genie's lamp on the ground.

The sound of a prop plane slowly fades in until it sounds like it’s directly overhead. A CASTAWAY, in torn black T- shirt and shorts, runs onto the stage looking skyward and frantically waving…

CASTAWAY
Help! Over here! Help! Help! Over here! Over…dammit!

The sound of the prop plane fades away, leaving only the sounds of the surf and gulls.

CASTAWAY (CON.)
There goes another plane, and I'm still stuck on this damn island. This place stinks, my skin hurts...

The castaway notices the lamp.

CASTAWAY (CON.)
What the...a lamp!

He picks up the lamp and inspects it. He squints at it and starts to rub it. And then reads the uncovered inscription.

CASTAWAY (CON.)
Oh, very clever.

Suddenly, with a clap of thunder and a flashing of lights, all goes dark. As the lights fade back up, we see the castaway is no longer alone. A GENIE now stands on the beach as well.

GENIE
Who has summoned the almighty Genie of the Lamp?!

The castaway stares, unfazed.

GENIE (CON.)
Who has summoned me? Was it (does a pointing sweep of the room and lands on the castaway) YOU?!

Still, the castaway just stares.

GENIE (CON.)
It is I, the Almighty…the…c’mon pal, you're killing me here. We both know you rubbed the lamp. Work with me.

CASTAWAY
So let me get this straight. You’re a genie.

GENIE
The Almighty Genie of the Lamp!

CASTAWAY
Right. And I inadvertently summoned you by rubbing this lamp so that I could read the inscription on the lamp.

GENIE
Yes!

CASTAWAY
Which reads “rub this lamp.”

GENIE
Pretty ironic!

CASTAWAY
Alright, I’ll play along. I’ve had stranger delusions since I’ve been stranded on this Godforsaken island.

GENIE
I am no delusion! I am the Almighty Genie of the Lamp! And it is now my duty to grant you three wishes!

CASTAWAY
You’re going to grant me three wishes?

GENIE
Yes! What is your first wish, master?

CASTAWAY
Okay, um…that’s the entire explanation?

GENIE
Yes! Your wish is my command!

CASTAWAY
There are no other rules or restrictions or…codicils or anything like that?

GENIE
No! You may wish for anything at all! What is your first of three wishes?

CASTAWAY
You’re sure?

GENIE
Look, it’s pretty simple stuff. I’m the genie of the lamp, you rubbed the lamp, you get three wishes. Now what wish can I grant for you. Master.

CASTAWAY
Well. If there are no other rules or regulations…

GENIE
None!

CASTAWAY
Or provisos? What about provisos?

GENIE
No provisos! Make a wish!

CASTAWAY
Then I’m going to go for the obvious.

GENIE
What do you mean, "the obvious?"

CASTAWAY
You know, what a kid would say.

GENIE
I don't follow.

CASTAWAY
Infinite wishes.

GENIE
Oh, ha ha ha, that would be nice, wouldn't it? No, you don’t understand, you only get three wishes!

CASTAWAY
No, you don’t understand. My first wish...is for infinite wishes.

The genie processes this. He goes deadpan. And then...

GENIE
Fuuuuuuck me.

CASTAWAY
Yeah, that’s why I was asking if you had explained everything, because usually, at least the way it works in stories and stuff, is that there are guidelines such as 'no wishing for more wishes', etc.

GENIE
Fuuuuuuck meeee! I can’t fucking believe it! Wait, how did you phrase it again?

CASTAWAY
Infinite wishes.

GENIE
Infinite wishes! Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit.

CASTAWAY
Are you new at being a genie?

GENIE
Um, no! No, I’ve been a genie for over four hundred years, okay, and I’ve granted thousands upon thousands of wishes. Three at a time. Little wish hat-tricks. Fuck!

CASTAWAY
No one has ever wished for infinite wishes?

GENIE
Nope, not a one. No, you are some clever S.O.B., I’ll give you that. Ohboyohboyohboy I am so screwed.

CASTAWAY
I thought the whole wishing for more wishes thing was a cliché…

GENIE
Well I guess I didn’t get cc’d on the Genie Cliché newsletter, Mr. Genius Innovator Of How People Wish For Things! Fuck!

CASTAWAY
Sorry. Anyway, for my first of an infinite number of wishes, I wish for –

The genie points and yells.

GENIE
Oh my God what’s that?

The castaway turns to look. Meanwhile, the genie gets down on the ground and frantically tries to re-enter the lamp with both feet first, as if he is struggling to pull a shoe onto both feet at the same time.

CASTAWAY
I don’t see anything. I’m going to turn back around now.

The castaway turns to see the genie struggling to get into the lamp.

CASTAWAY (CON.)
I really WISH you’d stop doing that.

Beat. The genie stops and stands back up.

GENIE
(fuming) Your wish is my command.

CASTAWAY
It’s a good thing I wished for those infinite wishes, huh? Otherwise, you’d probably be all smug and say, “Yes master, that leaves two more wishes!” And I’d be all “What are you talking about?” And you’d be like “you said ‘I really wish you’d stop doing that’” and I’d be all “why you crafty genie, BAH!” And you’d laugh and laugh.

GENIE
No. You see, I’ve never pulled that kind of crap on anyone. I’m not an asshole, like some people. When I said “Your wish is my command”, I was being sarcastic, I wasn’t granting a wish. It wouldn’t have counted against your three wishes.

CASTAWAY
Oh that’s right, I get THREE wishes! That means I get two more normal wishes before I need to tap into those infinite wishes that I used the first wish to wish for.

GENIE
You’re a real dick.

CASTAWAY
I wish I had a Snicker’s bar!

The genie, frowning, hands the castaway a Snickers bar.

CASTAWAY (CON.)
I wish I had another Snicker’s bar!

The genie hands him a second Snickers bar.

CASTAWAY (CON.)
Oh no, I’m all out of wishes! Why did I waste my last two wishes on Snickers Bars? Ahhh! Noooo! Snickers Bars Noooo! Why! (throwing a fake tantrum)

The genie stares and fumes.

CASTAWAY (CON.)
Wait a second. What did I wish for with my first wish again? Oh, that’s right! Infinite wishes! Let’s get started then, shall we?

GENIE
Wait. Before you start wishing willy nilly, let me just warn you. It’s not too late to use a wish to wish that you only had three wishes. Which I would promise to grant unconditionally. However, if you want to stick with the infinite wishes, I can’t promise I won’t be a real tool.

CASTAWAY
I’ll take my chances.

GENIE
Alright, then shoot.

CASTAWAY
I wish I were home.

GENIE
Your wish is my command!

The lights go dark and the sound of thunder booms. When the lights come up...

CASTAWAY
Why are we still here?

GENIE
This island is now your home!

CASTAWAY
What?

GENIE
You said you wished you were home. Well, you now own this island! It’s all yours. Home sweet home.

CASTAWAY
Ah, now I see what you meant about being a real tool.

GENIE
Yep.

CASTAWAY
Fine. I wish you would get rid of my sunburn.

GENIE
Your wish is my command!

The lights go dark and the sound of thunder booms. When the lights come up...

CASTAWAY
Ow! Hey! My skin hurts even worse than before! I wished for you to get rid of my sunburn!

GENIE
I did. I got rid of that sunburn, and replaced it with one about 20% worse.

CASTAWAY
Okay, fine. You’ve made your point. I'll wish for something really simple. Um, how about this. I wish that my shirt were back in one piece.

GENIE
Your wish is my command!

The lights go dark and the sound of thunder booms. When the lights come up, the Castaway is now wearing a whole black T-shirt with no rips, gotten from under the cube - he has placed the original, ripped shirt under the cube...

CASTAWAY
That's much bet - aaaahhh!

GENIE
What's wrong?

CASTAWAY
The starch! This shirt is starched!

GENIE
Yes, that is officially the single starchiest shirt in human history.

CASTAWAY
Ah, it's rubbing against my sunburn! My skin!

GENIE
You could scrape barnacles off of a ship’s hull with that shirt.

He rips it until it matches his old shirt.

CASTAWAY
I wish I had a sumptuous four-course meal of shrimp cocktail, caesar salad, filet mignon and a hot fudge sundae.

GENIE
Your wish is my command!

The lights go dark and the sound of thunder booms. When the lights come up, the castaway looks around as he doubles over in pain.

CASTAWAY
Oooh, my stomach. What did you do to me?

GENIE
You said you wished you HAD a four course meal. So you had it. It’s all in there, trust me.

CASTAWAY
But why do I feel so awful?

GENIE
The portions were huge. Think Outback Steak House times two.

CASTAWAY
Every wish is going to wind up like this, huh?

GENIE
Yeah, basically.

CASTAWAY
Isn’t there some sort of genie code of ethics?

GENIE
I’ve never heard of one. Maybe it’s published by the same people who wrote “The Genie Cliché Newsletter", or "The Asshole’s Guide To Wishing For Infinite Wishes," a book you seem to have read.

CASTAWAY
Fine, I wish that this meal was out of me.

GENIE
Your wish is my command!

The lights go dark and the sound of thunder booms. When the lights come up...

CASTAWAY
Aaaaaah. Hey...OH, COME ON! You made me crap myself! Oh...

GENIE
You said you wanted it out of you!

CASTAWAY
Ah! Dammit! ALRIGHT! You know what, I wish I never met you. I wish you were back in that lamp, and that I never found it to begin with!"

GENIE
Your wish is my command!

Black out with crash of thunder, lights up and there's the same empty stage, cube, lamp.

CASTAWAY
Help! Over here! Help! Help! Over here! Over…dammit!

The sound of the prop plane fades away, leaving only the sounds of the surf and gulls.

CASTAWAY (CON.)
There goes another plane, and I'm still stuck on this damn island. This place stinks, my skin hurts...

The castaway notices the lamp.

CASTAWAY (CON.)
What the...a lamp!

BLACKOUT

No post today.

Sorry, but I won't be posting anything today. I've got too much going on up here right now to waste my time with this blog BS. My mind's a whirlwind, you know? So much going on. I mean, let's take an inventory of what's in my head RIGHT NOW:

1. A right-handed hitter hitting a homerun off of a hanging slider. This tends to loop in my mind constantly in the background. There to comfort me when I'm feeling frazzled, which is often. Albert Pujols, you are a machine!

2. Two ferrets fighting over a Fastbreak candy bar. They're playfully going at it, tugging at opposite ends of the candy bar, and occasionally nipping at each other. I'm worried it could become more than just playful though.

3. Sex. C'mon, that's standard.

4. The song Rusty Cage by Soundgarden. "I'm gonna break my rusty cage and ruuuuuuun." Good stuff.

5. Brands of toothpaste. Crest. Colgate. I could go on.

6. The word "superdoodylickers". Over and over.

7. The following series of numbers: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, etc. I think it's called a "Fibonacci Series" but I'm not sure. Anyway, it's up into the millions now, and I'm sure the addition isn't accurate anymore. Bummer.

8. This guy.

9. And the smell of roasted cashews.

So as you can see...I'm...okaylet'sallgivethefingertothepreviouspostagain.

Antlers Aflame Darkly

Welcome to Camp Peace Elk! I'm a counselor. Long story short, seven years ago our founder had a dream about an elk, and Camp Peace Elk was born. Okay, give a hand to our founder!

Hi, I'm the founder of this camp. Camp Peace Elk. Seven years ago, I had a dream in which an elk with antlers wreathed in black flame stood on my chest and sucked the sin from my body with his wintry breath. The next day, I found myself applying for a camp permit. Camp Peace Elk was born! Okay then. Please join me now in reciting the Camp Peace Elk "Pledge To Not Flee The Flaming Antlers." Ahem.

Weight so heavy on my chest
Snacks at three
Snacks at three
I will not flee
The flaming antlers
CAMP PEACE ELK!

Woo! That was great. Okay, let's all give the finger to this lame-ass post now.

You must run for my kindness! RUN!

I fail to see why I need to break a sweat, why anyone should need to bust their ass in order for you to give money to charity. C'mon. Just give some money to charity. You need me to fucking run a marathon in order to give money? You need me to walk from Point A to Point B in order to write a check? You need me to X for Y distance in order to give Z to...ah shit, I should have started with W. Anyway, I don't get it. SO, if you're interested in donating some money to a good cause, I'm currently soliciting sponsors for the

Andres du Bouchet's 2004 Fun-Give!

(also known as the Andres du Bouchet Give-For-The-Cure Drive)

It's simple. Every year, I, Andres du Bouchet, tell you, the public, to write a check to a particular charity and mail it to me. I then collect the checks and mail them to the charity. That's it. I'm not going to run or walk or do dippity-squack, other than make sure that there's enough postage on the envelope, the checks are all in there, and it's addressed properly to the charity in question. Oh yeah, I'll be running and whatnot, but it'll be at the gym, on my own time, FOR ME. I'll also be doing some weight lifting.

THIS year, please make out your checks to:

The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society

And mail them to me at:

Andres du Bouchet
re: 2004 Fun-Give
115 West 104th Street
Apartment #51
New York, NY 10025

Remember, you've got to make the check out to The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, not me. If you make the check out to me, I will consider it a donation to me. And I will drink it away.

FAQ, I say!

Q: Why are you trying to get people to donate money to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society?
A: I walked a marathon with them back in Spring of 2003, and they seemed like nice people who knew what they were doing. Also, one of my good friends is an oncologist, so why not the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, dickwad?

Q: Do I get a T-shirt or visor when I donate?
A: You're a dickwad.

Q: Why do I have to mail the check to you? Why not just mail the check directly to them?
A: Even better dickwad, I'm just glad this post made you think of it.

Q: But I really wish you'd run or walk or something! I mean...just to write a check to a charity...it's so...easy.
A: Yep. Easy! Just like how easy it must be for you to wad your dick up like that, dickwad.

Q: Why do you keep calling me dickwad?
A: I'm at work! You think I'm going to write really foul stuff at work? Dickwad?

Q: Well, how much are YOU going to give to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society?
A: Good question. Now that I've written this post, I suppose I have to, or I risk becoming a hypocrite. Or worse, a dickwad. So here's the deal - I will donate a certain amount of money to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. There, that's my pledge.

Q: Alright dickwad, what if someone who reads this post actually DOES send you a check? What then?
A: I will keep my word, gather the checks into one envelope, and mail them to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society on November 1st, how's that?

Q: Alright.
A: Alright.

"You've got to GELECTRIFY IT!"

Since all of my work clothes are currently at the cleaners, I went to the office wearing all black today. Black long-sleeved T-shirt, black pants, black belt, black boots. I figured it was the only way to make a T-shirt seem dressy. So far no one at the office has complained, but for some reason I do now have my own line of hair care products. It's weird. At all times I am now flanked by two beautiful women, one blonde and one "exotic" of course, and every so often I feel the need to lean in between them, stare at some indeterminate point in space and say the following in an Australian accent:

"You've got to GELECTRIFY IT!"

Weird.

Two Incredibly Hilarious REAL Exchanges I Had Yesterday! With Actual People!

SCENE ONE - WATCHING FOOTBALL AT A BAR

OLD LADY WEARING TOO MUCH LIPSTICK WITH A VOICE LIKE A MOTORCYCLE
(leaning towards me) Did you hear the one about the 12 inch piano player?

ME
(smiling and trying to be nice) Sure!

OLD LADY WEARING TOO MUCH LIPSTICK WITH A VOICE LIKE A MOTORCYCLE
(frowning and turning away) Yeah...everybody has.

SCENE TWO - GETTING YET ANOTHER COFFEE AT STARBUCKS

NICE YOUNG FEMALE BARISTA
(smiling) If I had a dollar for every time you've come up here today, I'd be like, a millionaire!

ME
(smile-yawning) No, you'd have three bucks.

AND SCENE!!!

Mount St. Helens...

...has started moving towards Florida. Now THAT is some shit bad luck.