Alright, Humvee salesmen get to your dealerships, because you're about to receive a host of new, young, lanky customers! That's right, the NBA draft has come and gone once again, replenishing and rejuvenating the talent of one of the most entertaining spectacles in the United States: strip-club shoot-outs! Here is my depth* analysis of the first round:
1. Milwaukee chose center Andrew Bogut, whom I have never heard of. However, I believe this to be an excellent pick. In order to compete in the NBA, teams need what I call "anger in the middle", and who would be angrier than a young man who's been called "Booger" all his life? No one. Excellent pick. Opposing teams will soon learn to stop PICKING ON THE BOOGER. Stat predictions: 4.8 points and 28.6 boards per game.
2. Atlanta goes with avid bird slapper Marvin Williams, a half forward. Now, I've never heard of this young man either, but in order to justify the phrase "bird slapper", which I just made up, I'm going to go ahead and say that this is a risky pick for the Atlanta...team. Marvin might indeed put up big bucket totals, but his reputation for slapping around birds could come back to peck him in the heiney. I'm going to be optimistic though, and predict 11.3 and 8.6. You can pick whatever stats those numbers stand for.
3. The Utah franchise chose Deron Williams, a guy who made big headlines! I would imagine. I've never heard of him, but somewhere, possibly his hometown's paper, there must be oversized headlines, a limited edition for the terrifically near-sighted, for example, of his exploits on the field. Court, I mean. In those headlines, I'm sure they mention what his forte is. It is THIS skill that Utah hopes to capitalize on! I predict they're right.
4. With Chris Paul, the New Orleans Hornets acquire the complete point guard prospect. He's quick, athletic, shoots the ball extremely well, and most important, is a true floor general who knows how to lead.
5. The Charlotte Noodle-Tempest went ahead and snagged junior high phenom Raymond Felton. At 13, Raymond will have a hard time holding his own as a rookie, but my sources assure me that "I have never heard of Raymond Felton and do not know what I am writing right now because I am so fucking hungry."
6. With shooting guard Martell Webster, the Portland Trailblazers get the complete package: speed, size, reach, gait, heft, breadth, tanginess, vim, vigor, chutzpah, pizzazz, feistiness, whole-grain, Atari, zestitution, and sunroof.
7. Toronto is a city in Canada, and whoever they picked will not want to stay there.
8. The New York Knickerbockers chose Channing Frye, whose inevitable Sportscenter nickname of "Carroll" Channing "Catcher In The" Frye will drive him to madness. However, this madness shall prove beneficial to the Knicks, whose CATCH THE MADNESS campaign will drive up ticket sales. Plus, opponents will cringe in confusion at the sight of Channing charging down the court while crying and fending off imaginary SNAKEBATS!
9. After a sweat-drenched afternoon of penetration-punctuated entwinement, I enjoy slamming open my love's bedroom window and bellowing to the construction workers below: "Part of the fun, is a job well done!" At which point the construction workers usually toss me up a can of ice-cold beer and shout, in unison, "You are Der Lovemaker!"
10. Golden State picked Ike Diogu, a man whose name can be rearranged to spell Doug Ikie, which is a slightly less weird name.
11-58. Time to go buy some lunch, dildodudes!
*No, not in-depth.
Q: How many nuns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Um. That's all I've got for that one. Catching up on my posting!
I am going to continue picking my nose until it STOPS bleeding!
Make no mistake. The blood in and around my nose seeks to drive my finger out, but it shall not! I shall continue my campaign of firmly inserting my finger into my nostrils and scraping the inner-lining of my nose until the blood realizes it CANNOT win this war and ceases it's being blood activities! Let us not forget the lesson of January 12, 2003, when I lost control of my bladder at Arby's. Now, there are those who insist that the blood in my nose has nothing to do with the stain that assaulted my pants that day, but I ask you this: do you remember when Coach died on Cheers, and they replaced him with Woody? Thank you.
Also, my ongoing campaign to lose weight by eating Ben & Jerry's is going well.
Okay. Here is the single stupidest thing anyone has ever written ever. I apologize to the poor SNR cast members who had to perform this last night. I wonder if it got any laughs...
CELIBATE LEOPARDY!
Game show music cues up
ANNOUNCER
And now, it’s time for another exciting episode of America’s least-watched game show, Celibate Leopardy! The only game show in which three contestants who have never had sex compete to determine which of two objects is more like a leopard! And now, here’s your host, Alec Tribeca!
ALEC
Thanks voiceover, and welcome to Celibate Leopardy, the only game show in which 3 contestants who’ve never had sex compete in trying to determine which of two objects is more like a leopard, i.e. “leopardy”. For those new to the show, leopardy means leopard-like, as in, that cat with spots sure is leopardy. Okay, lets meet our celibate contestants! First, from the Church of the Holy Chastity, it’s Sister Mary Catherine Terwilliger!
A nun jogs out and takes her place behind the game console.
SISTER MARY
Hello Alec, I’m excited to be here, and excited to attempt to determine which of two different objects is more like a leopard, or leopardy.
ALEC
And you’ve never had sex, right?
SISTER MARY
Of course not.
ALEC
Great! Now here’s our second contestant, a genital-free android, Unit L-14!
An android jogs out and takes its place.
L-14
Did you really have to mention the genital thing?
ALEC
And here’s Ernald Silverstein, a 43-year old computer programmer and nationally ranked Scrabble player who still lives in his parent’s basement.
Ernald jogs out.
ERNALD
I’m okay Mom!
ALEC
We’ll meet our celibate contestants in a bit, but first, let’s jump right to round one of Celibate Leopardy! Once again, not to beat a dead horse or anything, but this is the only gameshow in which 3 contestants who have never had sex –
ERNALD
Oh come on.
ALEC
- compete in trying to determine which of two objects is more like a leopard, i.e. “leopardy”. Here are your first two objects!
An alarm clock and a teapot are placed side by side on a pedestal.
ALEC (con.)
Which of these two objects is more like a leopard?
The Jeopardy theme plays.
Awkwardness is in the air. This is impossible.
Sister Mary buzzes in.
ALEC
Sister Mary!
SISTER MARY
Um. I think the alarm clock is more...leopardy?
Buzzer.
ALEC
Nope, I’m sorry, the teapot is more leopardy, Sister Mary. Nice try.
ERNALD
How the hell are we supposed to –
ALEC
Let’s meet our contestants now! Sister Mary, you are a nun.
SISTER MARY
Yes, that’s right.
ALEC
Fascinating. Unit L-14, you are a genital-free android.
L-14
You do NOT have to keep mentioning that I have no genitals. The mere fact that I am an android should be enough to –
ALEC
I didn’t know that we as a society had developed the technology yet to build androids.
L-14 shrugs.
ALEC (con.)
Much less genital-free androids.
L-14
Asshole!
ALEC
Ernald. That’s an interesting name. I guess.
ERNALD
My parents couldn’t decide whether to name me Ernest or Gerald, so they named me Ernald.
ALEC
Wow. I don’t have any problem believing that you’ve never had sex.
ERNALD
Hey!
ALEC
Time for round two! Which of THESE two objects is more leopard-like, or “leopardy”?
A hiking boot and a big foam "we're #1" hand are brought out and put on the table.
The jeopardy music plays. The contestants are resigned to their hopeless task.
L-14 buzzes in.
ALEC
L-14, the genital-free android, which of those two objects is more leopardy?
L-14
Um...the boot?
Buzzer.
ALEC
Nope.
ERNALD
This is so stupid.
ALEC
Time for final Leopardy! Which of these two sound clips is more leopardy? Clip number one!
An audio clip of a person repeating the word "leopard" in a monotone voice over and over again.
ALEC (con.)
And clip number two!
The sound of a large wild cat growling/roaring.
Ernald Buzzes.
ERNALD
The second one. Definitely!
ALEC
Nope. That was a bobcat. The first soundclip was more leopardy. Well, that’s all the time we have! Once again, nobody got anything right. And you guys have never had sex.
ERNALD
Shut up!
ALEC
Next week on Celebrity Celibate Leopardy, our contestants will be Godzilla, R2D2 and Tom Cruise. Goodnight!
Gameshow music to fade.
Q: What did one flamingo on the Synchronized Flamingo Jerk-Off Team say to the other flamingo on the Synchronized Flamingo Jerk-Off Team following an argument regarding their routine?
Here is my latest 'Saturday Night Rewritten' sketch. Again, I had to leave before seeing how it fared in the actual show. Honestly, I am less confident of this one than the previous one, but I suspect if the actors were able to have fun with it, it might have gone well. Or at least decently. I...will...not...apologize...
resisting...desire...to...put...my...writing...down...ACK!
Anyway, here it is for your perusalization:
IT'S THE "NAIL THING"
by Andres du Bouchet for 6/18/05 SNR
Lights up on a man sitting on a couch, his head tilted back. He is asleep.
We hear a key in a lock, and a man and woman enter.They've just had a very nice date,and enter the apartment laughing. They enter without acknowledging the guy on the couch.
TOM
Hey, that was a lot of fun.
REBECCA
Yes, yes it was. Thanks.
TOM
Have you ever been bowling?
REBECCA
No, I've never been bowling.
She notices the sleeping dude, but a brief look of confusion passes on her face and she doesn't mention it.
TOM
We should go bowling sometime. Anyway, just to finish what I was saying before, I think it's really admirable how you've carried on with your life after the nailgun accident.
REBECCA
Thanks. You know, that nail is still up there. (taps her forehead) It'll always be a part of me.
TOM
(kisses her forehead) Well, if it's a part of you, then I like it. Does it hurt?
REBECCA
No, only when it hails. But I think that's just the pain from the hail hitting my head.
TOM
Probably.
REBECCA
Go ahead and make yourself comfortbale.
Tom proceeds to sit right next to the guy who's asleep on the couch.
TOM
You have a beautiful home. How long have you lived here?
REBECCA
I don't know. My memory is absolutely terrible. You know, the "nail thing." If we keep dating you're going to have to get used to me forgetting things.
TOM
That's okay, I can remember stuff for the both of us. I just think it's lucky we met considering my problem.
REBECCA
What's that?
TOM
I don't notice people until I'm sitting right next to them.
Tom finally notices the sleeping dude.
TOM (continued)
Hey, who's this guy?
REBECCA
(just noticing him herself) Oh, wow. You know, I have no idea. I think I noticed him when we came in but then I forgot to mention it.
She pokes the sleeping guy, David.
DAVID
Huh? Wuh? Oh good, you're back! (he notices Tom) Who the heck is this guy?
REBECCA
Who are you?
DAVID
I'm David. Your date from...(checks watch) three nights ago. Damn my Melatonin imbalance!
REBECCA
David?
DAVID
Yeah, don't you remember? We were totally mashing here on the couch after a fun evening of bowling, and then you said you had to go to the bathroom. That's when I fell asleep because of my damn Melatonin imbalance.
REBECCA
Oh I'm so sorry, I forgot you were here. It's the "nail thing".
DAVID
Oh, right, the "nail thing". Anyhoo...
There is a tense moment of silence. Another man enters. He looks like he's getting ready to go to work.
KEN
Honey, have you seen my tie? I don't want to be late for...(notices the gathering)
REBECCA
Who are you?
KEN
Who are they? (realizes it must be her memory problem) Oh baby, you forgot we were married again, didn't you?
REBECCA
Sorry, it's the -
KEN
Yeah, the Goddamn nail in the brain thing.
DAVID
I was here all day. You didn't notice me?
KEN
All day? Ah fuck, I got day and night mixed up again. I missed work.
TOM
(to Rebecca and David) Who are you guys talking to?
Ken sits so that all three guys are sitting in a row now.
TOM (continued)
Oh hi. I'm Tom!
KEN
Ken.
DAVID
Hi Ken, I'm Dav-ahhcrap...(he falls asleep again).
TOM
Wow, it couldn't possibly get any weirder than this!
Looong pause as the three awake people nervously sit still in anticipation of something weird happening.
The doorbell rings. The two guys look expectantly at Rebecca, who does nothing. The doorbell rings again.
REBECCA
I've never figured out what that noise is.
KEN
It's the door!
REBECCA
Oh!
Rebecca gets up and answers the door. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes enter.
REBECCA AND KEN
Wow, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes!
TOM
Why did you two just shout that?
TOM CRUISE
Hi there. I'm Tom Cruise.
KATIE HOLMES
And I'm Katie Holmes, soon to be Katie Holmes-Cruise.
TOM CRUISE
We're going door-to-door, neighborhood by neighborhood, just letting everyone know that we are in love!
REBECCA
We've heard. Congratulations.
KATIE HOLMES
I am a woman!
TOM CRUISE
And I am a man. We are of the opposite sex. Therefore...(he looks at them expectantly).
KEN
Um.
REBECCA
Therefore you are...straight?
TOM CRUISE
Well I must be, right? Come with me, Katie Holmes who is a woman, we have many more people to tell of our heterosexual love!
TOM
Who are you guys talking to, it's freaking me out!
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes leave.
Another man enters. He is all sweaty and dirty.
KYLE
Honey, I've finished cleaning out the basement. Sorry it took so long, but you know how easily I get lost. I see we've got visitors again.
REBECCA
Sorry...
KYLE
Kyle. I'm your husband, Kyle.
REBECCA
Kyle.
KEN
Hey Kyle.
KYLE
Hey Ken.
TOM
Who the hell is Kyle? You people are freaking me out!
This wakes David.
DAVID
Whuh? Damn, I must have drifted off because of my damn Melatonin imbalaaaaugh. (he falls back asleep)
KYLE
Honey, I was understanding about you marrying Ken after you'd already married me, but please try to stop bringing home your dates.
REBECCA
Oh boy.What's a girl with a nail in her brain to do?
Everyone laughs and freezes.
V.O.
This has been the WB's 'Girl With A Nail In Her Brain And The City'. Next week, on 'Girl With A Nail In Her Brain And The City'...
The room is full of every single actor in the show.
REBECCA
Oh no, I'm sorry guys.
TOM
Who are you talking to, you're freaking me out!
BLACKOUT
Pretty smart of me to name a character in the sketch Tom, and ALSO have Tom Cruise in the sketch, right? Duh. Anyway, it's a sketch. There it is.
Hey - if you haven't been by Rififi on a Tuesday night yet to see my weekly FREE comedy show, then come check us out on June 21st. It's our 'best-of' show. Basically, we'll be doing all of our favorite bits from the first 16 episodes of our Rififi run. It should be a very, very fun, funny, and silly time!
GIANT TUESDAY NIGHT OF AMAZING INVENTIONS AND ALSO THERE IS A GAME!!!
Every (and I mean every, including all summer!) Tuesday @ 8pm
FREE
Rififi
332 East 11th Street, between first and second Aves
FREE
FREE
This Tuesday, June 21st:
Comedians Ritch Duncan and Bryan Olsen!
The World's Greatest Air Band!
Werewolf Babies!
'You Wouldn't Want To Hurt The Baby' Man!
The Amazing Dr. Greenpoint and his Universal Soup!
Randy Newman's less successful cousin, Andy Newman!
Professional Bigfoot Trackers, The Brussells Boys!
Christopher Walken!
Buster Dognuts, Comedy Test Pilot!
Bigfoot!
Mark's Comedy Corner!
WITH:
Mike Birch
Mark Douglas
Jonny Fido
Rob Gorden
Michael Reisman
And me.
Seriously, come on by. This is going to be an aweseome show.
This world is too chaotic. I need focus. And I have chosen to focus on missing hot blonde American teens. Do not misunderstand me. Like most straight, red-blooded, American males with firm grips, I also appreciate non-missing hot blonde American teens, be it in mpeg format or in that apartment's window yes that apartment there up two windows and three to the right yes here wait let me adjust the telescopeoutofmyway.
But I digress.
By focusing on hot blonde American teens who have gone missing, I feel I can manage my anxieties. Thoughts of terrorism, nuclear disaster, tsunamis, an outbreak of tinycockitis*, or even my highly irrational fear of pterodactyls all sink beneath the deep soft plush carpet of constant media coverage regarding a missing teen. Who is hot and blonde. And American. I am fixated.
Seriously, if there are any other hot blonde American teens currently missing, it's a shame the news isn't covering it. We could completely block out all of the other mind-bogglingly ramification-rich "important" news of the world if more of these stories could occur simultaneously. Imagine if CNN.com contained nothing but information regarding the status of various unaccounted for hot blonde American teens. The website's various sections would be:
CURRENTLY MISSING HOT BLONDE AMERICAN TEENS
FORMERLY MISSING BUT NOW ACCOUNTED FOR HOT BLONDE AMERICAN TEENS
FORMERLY MISSING BUT NOW ACCOUNTED FOR AND LESS-HOT-THAN-BEFORE AMERICAN TEENS
MISSING FOR SO LONG THAT THEY'RE PROBABLY NOT HOT ANYMORE, DEFINITELY NOT TEENS ANYMORE, BUT JUST AS BLONDE AND AMERICAN AS BEFORE (OKAY MAYBE NOT BLONDE)
WEATHER: IS IT RAINING WHERE THE MISSING HOT BLOND AMERICAN TEENS MIGHT BE?
WEATHER: IS IT RAINING WHERE WE'VE ALREADY DETERMINED THE HOT BLOND AMERICAN TEENS ISN'T?
OP-ED: TEENS, IF THEY'RE NOT BLONDE OR HOT, DO WE MISS THEM?
RELIGION: ARE THERE MISSING HOT BLOND AMERICAN TEENS?
EDUCATION: WHY DIDN'T OUR EDITOR KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 'ISN'T' AND 'AREN'T'?
MEDIA: WATCHING PORN IS OKAY NOW BECAUSE YOU MIGHT SPOT A MISSING HOT BLOND AMERICAN TEEN
and college courses:
PHILOSOPHY 101: IF THEY'RE MISSING, HOW DO WE KNOW THEY'RE STILL HOT?
beauty pageants:
MISS ING HOT BLOND AMERICAN TEEN
etc.
I would also be willing to read a story about a dog or cat that traveled a great distance to be reunited with its owner, or an obviously gay movie-star-cultist's insane declarations of love for another movie star who is for some reason less cute than when she was on a tv show that also starred a dude with a freakishly rectangular head.
I think I just rambl'd myself. Ow.
There's no denying it. There is a smell here with me, and like the end of Fight Club it turns out we're one and the same. Damn. My body has gathered all odor unto it. Crotch. Pits. Feet. Desperate unwashed khaki. Stain RESISTANT khaki worn so many days in a row that yes...there are stains.
Seriously. I can smell me. The foot odor rises to mingle with the ball stink and then together they waft upwards to join forces with the aroma of my underarms (pea soup stale). This potent, fetid clash of smells roils about me like a cloud of neglected dorm pizza.
I'm reeking havoc.
by EMJAY T.H. RILLER
PRESIDENT: He Moonwalks Among Us Society
I knew he was innocent all along, and now the rest of the world does too! There was a story once told among the old wives of my great grand ancestors' cobble-lined town, a story of a man made of pure butter, who everyone wanted to attack with their knives so they could spread him on their toast. I am reminded of that story today. The man in that story was too pure, too good, too kind and gentle, too buttery to be even dented by their knives of falseness - they slid right off no matter how hard the people jabbed! I am reminded of that story today, my friends. Our friend has proven too buttery to jab my friends. Our grand butterfly has flitted above their nets!
I am reminded of a kind counselor from my days at His 'Pretend It's A Cigar Camp' on the frothing shores of White Surprise Burst River in Hidden Secret Hush Now Hollow, Vermont. This counselor helped me to understand His special ways. I was fond yes, of pretending things were cigars, but too timid at first to engage in the nightly Shush Now Hushy Time Pillow Pink Cigar Puff Parties. Oh, when it was made clear to me how all of our child-fun-love energy was necessary to help puff the pink cigar to full love cream potential, so that He may one day evolve into the Butterfly Force Protector of Candy and Not Telling Anyone, every Shush Now Hushy Time Pillow Pink Cigar Puff Party became four jaw aching hours of delicious fun!
Ohdeargod this post is disturbing me.
Anyway, for no reason whatsoever, here are some soups with pedophile-inspired names (I plucked these from a 2003 post on my old blog):
They'll Never Believe You Chowder
Don't Leave Us Alone Noodle
Just Between Us Barley
Oh That Feels So Good To Daddy Country Vegetable
Meatball Shame
Work The Shaft Wonton
Manhattan Clam Shh!
If I Close My Eyes And Hold My Breath God Will Still Love Me Minestrone
Cream Of Sally Cries Alot In Class
Chunky Why Can't I See My Own Grandchildren Potato Abuse Dumpling
FREE SAMPLE FREE SAMPLE FREE SAMPLE FREE SAMPLE FREE SAMPLE
FREE SAMPLE FREE SAMPLE FREE SAMPLE FREE SAMPLE FREE SAMPLE
You can't not afford to please let your privates continue to commit evil!
Greetings Sir or Madam;
My name is Argentio Nkdwumbee of the Elbonesian Penninsula Republic, and it is with the utmost of gravities I put forth this urgent request for help and aid to secure release of my family's fortune. Currently tied up by one Mr. 12 in both mutual bonds and floating savings, these objects can liquidate and are rightfully THE PROPERTY OF THE NKDWUMBEE FAMILY. You do not need to act, but immediate action is required for the distribute of these $450,679,128.92 in funds, per my letter to Mr. 12 on the 4th of August last year 2003. It is in freeze but can be released BY YOUR PIN. These codes were set by the Elbonesian Penninsula Republic Savings and Loan Fiduciary and are non-negotiable due to bank rebellion. These rebellions are in transit and without stability my family's fortune will lose the throne. So please, if you are not satisfied with sexual performances of you or your spouses, an extra 16 INCHES can be achieved non-surgical! These inches can be released BY YOUR PIN. I have arranged for an unmarked badger to burrow beneath the Citibank on 72nd and Madison to retrieve the one rosin bag of love left there by former SAVES ACE GOOSE GOSSAGE. Mr. Goose has graciously and generosity agreed to donate this rosin bag of love to release the inches. For the Nkdwumbee family share, we ask a paltry $50,000,000.00, and the remaining $400,679,128.92 shall be divided per agreement personage in each of the Mr. 12's auspices. THESE AUSPICES ARE NOT BADGER-RELATED! Throbbing inches. Please with time to spare, respond with your PIN to a man who have arranged a hat on the corner of Wendy's Astor Place. These rebellions will, and when the inches are released, liquidate the badger funds for Mr. Gossage. To summary:
1. Mr. 12 as per the June docket, CANNOT release these funds without your PIN.
2. The Nkdwumbee family posseses these, does not release until the rebellions are liquidated per the 16 inches attainable through your PIN.
3. $50,000,000.00 shall be deposited via badger into Mr. Gossage, who 310 saves.
4. Mr. Gossage pays the badger.
5. Slam it, cram it, in Mexico they flan it.
6. Elbonesian Penninsula Republic Savings and Loan Fiduciary folder 8 is liquid for June only and can result in penalty without your PIN.
7. Evil privates throb too, pursuant to badger regulations.
8. $400,679,128.92 to the dispersement arranged by Mr. 12 is also negotiable per non-negotiality. These badgers are documented! My family's throne is documented! I can prove these with your PIN via mpeg porn snippets catalog fruition.
9. You're wondering how long I can write complete and utter nonsense, aren't you?
10. I sure am.
11. An extra 16 inches are serious, and my family documents attest can be met with shock.
12. Please route via your PIN to 001 100 921 1345 9238 999 999 9999 8 BADGER 93.
Your time is sensitive, inches notwithstanding. Badger limits can be extended for one docket only, so instant perusal is through Mr. 12.
As your loyal servile, please with my thanks in advance,
Argentio Nkdwumbee
Elbonesian Penninsula Republic Naval Badger Reserve
P.S. To recap:
My family's inches are releasable via your PIN. Through modest rebellion, these funds can disperse accordingly through badger / Gossage channels through the hat at Wendy's. A share of $$400,679,128.92 awaits the liquidator, with remaining $50,000,000.00 going to my family.
So here we go again. I tried my hand at that 'Saturday Night Rewritten' show again, this time just as a writer, and I have no idea if this bit went well at all, since I had to mosey on over to another show to perform. It's really quite simply the best thing I've ever written. Ohdeargod:
TOM CRUISE’S NON-GAY HOUSE OF STRAIGHT SEAFOOD
by Andrés du Bouchet
SNR - June 5th, 2005
A couple dines at a table off to one side. Tom Cruise enthusiastically bounds out onto the stage.
TOM CRUISE
Hi, I’m international superstar Tom Cruise, and I’m in love with Katie Holmes, who is a woman! If you’re straight like me, you love delicious seafood at reasonable prices, and that’s exactly what you’ll get at Tom Cruise’s Non-Gay House of Straight Seafood!
Two extremely gay male dancers come out and bracket Tom, as they sing…
GAY SINGERS
(to the tune of Kenny Loggins’ ‘Danger Zone’) Highway to the seafood zone! Highway toooo the seafood zone yeah!
(as they dance off, flirtatiously) Bye Tom, see you later…
TOM CRUISE
Those were just some straight friends of mine. Hey - I know I don’t look like Tom Cruise, but that’s only because I’ve used my Scientology powers to change my molecular structure for the purposes of this commercial, otherwise I couldn’t afford to pay myself for this appearance - you straight guys know what I’m talking about!
GAY SINGERS
(to the tune of Kenny Loggins’ ‘Danger Zone’) Highway to the seafood zone! Highway toooo the seafood zone yeah!
(as they dance off, flirtatiously) Bye Tom, see you later…
TOM CRUISE
Anyway, I know that finding delicious seafood at reasonable prices seems like a ‘Mission: Impossible’. Eating cheap seafood is ‘Risky Business’, and can often produce (waves away an imaginary fart) ‘Days of Thunder’. But you’ll find only the best seafood here at Tom Cruise’s Non-Gay House of Straight Seafood, where we’re the ‘Top Gun’ at broiled scallops! Our sushi chefs have got ‘All The Right Moves’, and our clams casino is ‘Far and Away’ the best. Oh look, here comes one of our straight waiters, Sapphire, with our ‘Legend’-ary shrimp ‘Cocktail’.
SAPPHIRE
(very gay) Hi Tom you look really straight today.
TOM CRUISE
You do too, Sapphire, and I love Katie Holmes. What’s the weather like tonight?
SAPPHIRE
Looks like it’s going to ‘Rain, Man’.
TOM CRUISE
‘Jerry Maguire Magnolia’.
(awkward beat)
SAPPHIRE
Okay byeee. See you at wrestling practice later.
Sapphire leaves.
TOM CRUISE
I’m getting hard just thinking about it. You straight guys know what I’m talking about. I’m so excited I’m ‘Losin’ It’. Um. ‘Interview With The Vampire’. Anyway, come on down to Tom Cruise’s Non-Gay House of Straight Seafood, where you’ll find seafood so delicious and reasonably priced, I must be straight!
GAY SINGERS
(to the tune of Kenny Loggins’ ‘Danger Zone’) Highway to the seafood zone! Highway toooo the seafood zone yeah!
TOM CRUISE
Oh man yeah work it girls…
Fade out.
Did I say "ohdeargod" already? Yeah. The thing is...ah forget it. I'll do better next time.
Holy shit you have GOT to punch me in the face. Look at it! It's just screaming to be punched! PUNCH MY FACE! Man. Some people's faces don't need to be punched, but mine sure does. Punch it. Punch it now, and punch it hard. If 'hardnow' were a word, that's how I'd tell you to punch my face. Fuck. I can't stand it. What part of my face doesn't look punchable? No part, that's which! Just pick a part of my face and punch it oh jeez louise please clobber my fucking face! LOOK AT MY FACE! DO YOU NOT FEEL THE NEED TO PUNCH IT?!?! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
Punch my face.
C'mon. Please?
Hey, pick up that umbrella. OKAY NOW GET RID OF THE UMBRELLA BUT KEEP YOUR HAND IN THE SAME SHAPE AND SWING IT AT MY FACE PLEASE!!!
Get your fist out of my dreams and into my face!
Knock knock. My face. My face who needs to be punched.
How many PUNCH MY FUCKIN' SMUG MUG does it take to screw in a GIMME A KNUCKLESANDWICH TO MY DIPSHIT FUCKING FACE? Three. One to fuckin' punch me in the face, and two to fucking PUNCH ME IN THE FUCKING FUCK FACE FUCK!!!
Hi, good evening. I'm sorry to bother you over the phone during dinner hours, but I was wondering if you'd be so kind as to donate your fist to the cause of punching me in my cockass face? Hello? Hellooo?
You are getting very sleepy. You are in a trance. Ooh, you are playing volleyball on the beach! Here comes the volleyball, it's being set, it's coming your way - SPIKE THAT VOLLEYBALL, SPIKE IT YES EXCEPT IT'S REALLY ACTUALLY MY FACE!!!
I've got a face. You've got two fists. Hello, threesome!
Punch me. In. The face.
Still not convinced? Here, just in case you forgot what I'm asking you to punch:
DOES THAT REFRESH YOUR MEMORY?!?!? Oh pleasey please please please???
PUNCH???
meintheface?
Okay, I'm going to give you the opportunity to really wind up and punch me in the face. Get a good fist going, wind all the way back and get a running start...
here we go...
YOUR FIST IS APPROACHING MY FACE I CAN'T WAIT!
(almost there!)
gofuckyourself.
You've been Panda'd again, retardarino! P-A-N, duhhhed! UGH! Suck it!
DR. MARBLES
Okay Steve, how is the knee feeling?
BOB
My name is Bob and my knee is fine.
DR. MARBLES
Excellent! You've made remarkable progress, Bob. Just a few weeks ago, your deeply ingrained need to please would have caused you to play along with the 'Steve's knee' scenario for the duration of our appointment, but now you no longer fear disappointing others or asserting yourself!
BOB
I can still be Steve if you want.
DR. MARBLES
No, Bob. Stay Bob. After all, you're Bob.
BOB
I am, aren't I?
DR. MARBLES
More than ever. Alright, the last time we spoke you were complaining about your knee.
BOB
No I wasn't.
DR. MARBLES
Great! This is very promising, Steve.
BOB
Bob.
DR. MARBLES
Excellent!
(Dr. Marbles jots down some notes. Then, he takes his cell phone out of his pocket and dials. Then, Bob reaches into his pocket and answers his own cell phone.)
BOB
(into phone) Hello?
DR. MARBLES
(into phone) Steve listen I need to ask you a big favor there's no time to talk buddy I need you to meet me at the bus station with two hundred bucks please it's an emergency!
BOB
(into phone) Oh, um, an emergency, um...
DR. MARBLES
(to Bob) Don't let this asshole push you around! (into phone) C'mon pal, you gotta get down here, I don't care how your knee feels, you gotta help me! (to Bob) Stand up for yourself!
BOB
(into phone) Hey, my name is Bob and I'm not meeting you anywhere with any money, jerk! (hangs up)
DR. MARBLES
(into phone) Hello? Hello? (to Bob) Bob, I was just on the phone with my wife, something came up, I gotta run.
BOB
Oh, that's too bad, our session -
DR. MARBLES
You'll still pay for the whole session, right?
BOB
Um.
DR. MARBLES
C'mon Bob, you can do this!
BOB
You weren't on the phone with your wife just now, you were on the phone with me! Steve!
DR. MARBLES
Ooh, almost!
BOB
I mean Bob!
DR. MARBLES
Bingo! Anyway, it's too bad about your knee.
BOB
No it's not, my knee is fine!
DR. MARBLES
Yes! Cats have eight legs!
BOB
Four!
DR. MARBLES
Fantastic!
Eh. This has been some time with Dr. Marbles.
Last night at GTN, I kicked off the show by having the following half-conversation on my cellphone... (note - if you're not familiar with the Francisco character, he's often clueless about pop culture)
FRANCISCO
Ladies and gentlemen, we'll begin the show in just a few minutes, we're still waiting for our opening act to...hold on...my cell phone is vibrating...(into phone) Hello, Francisco Guglioni here, host of Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inv - oh hello Mr. Cruise! (to audience) It's international superstar Tom Cruise! (back to phone) I must say, Mr. Cruise, we here at Giant Tuesday are very excited to have you open tonight's show with your straight juggling act. We've had jugglers on the show before, but none who professed to perform a style of juggling called 'straight juggling', which is, to quote you "a type of juggling that only a straight man could possibly perform." I can't wait to see what you're...what? You're in love with who? Katie who? Oh, well good for you, but that's rather odd of you to bring it up out of the blue like that. I thought you were married to Mimi Rogers. Oh that's too bad. So you went right from Mimi to this Katie character. Oh. Nicole who? Never heard of her. So where would I have seen this Katie's work? Dawson's what? Dawson's Creek? What is that, the retirement home where she works? A tv show? Never heard of it - hey, when are you going to do another film? I loved Risky Business! What? DOZENS OF FILMS?! Really? That's great! Have you ever done a film in which you play a retarded guy's brother, because I think you'd be great at - you have?! Fantastic, I'll rent it right away! Anyway, if you could get here as swiftly as possible, that would...what? You're not coming? You decided to buy an hour of national television airtime to just talk about how in straight love you are? Damn you Tom Cruise, DAMN YOU AND YOUR ODDLY BEAUTIFUL NOSE!!! (hangs up)