I realize my blogging habits have been pretty pathetic of late, but I'm hoping to change that in 2006. In the meantime, enjoy these alternating photos of a panda and a dog dressed as a pirate. Have a wonderful holiday season, you!
What did the masturbating carpenter who gets his verb tenses mixed up say when he mistakenly ate a poisonous shellfish?
So, tomorrow night I'm doing this show called 'Invite Them Up', which is one of the true pillars of the comedy scene here in NYC. But check it out, when you look at the web address for the show www.invitethemup.com, it looks like the show is called 'Invite The Mup'!
HAHAHA!
Who the hell is The Mup, and what am I supposed to invite him to do? I mean really! Oh man. I really...I'm just catching my breath from all the...laughing...hold on. Whew. MAN!
(pssst. scroll down.)
Mup. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! YES!!!! Whew.
And now, another installment of WHAT ANDRES WAS JUST SAYING ON THE PHONE BUT NOT WHAT THE OTHER PERSON WAS SAYING!
"Yeah, well it was on an empty stomach, and rum is...yeah. Plus all the orange juice. I know. So what are you...yeah. Well I would just grab the spray bottle and a vacuum and go to town until you...kill them! Yeah. I want to grab a flashlight tonight and check mine, but I think...yeah we'll see."
SO WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?
This was posted at 4:08pm!
I'll do anything to kick start this creatively atrophied brain of mine, and if it means resorting to some fucking haiku, then so be it:
i am the monster
hiding underneath your bed
pass down the cookies
To summarize:
PETER
Lucy!
LUCY
Susan!
SUSAN
Edmund!
EDMUND
Peter!
THE BITCH
I am the winner.
SUPERJESUSCAT
ROAAAAAR!
(pause)
ALL EXCEPT FOR THE BITCH
No we are the winners.
Yep, it's about that dull.
Have you ever read one of those websites where they review movies waaaay before the movie actually comes out? Sites like ainteverythingcool.yes? Where you get a geeky behind-the-scenes RAVE about some film in superadvance of its release? Well, here's a preview of tomorrow night's GTN opening, a sneak peak at the first half of the very first rough draft! Enjoy!
OPENING
Andres – FRANCISCO GUGLIONI
Fido – PEEPEE STEVENS
Birch – ANGRY HUSBAND
Ann – ANGRY WIFE
Mark – THE AMAZING ADULTERINO (just his arm)
Rob – VINCENT D’ONOFRIO
Reisman – BOB BALABAN
Typical opening with Mark on guitar and Francisco singing – no Rob since he’ll be entering as Vincent D’Onofrio. At the end of the song…
FRANCISCO
Thank you! Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to GTN, tonight, in lieu of one of my hilariously rambling monologues, we have a brilliant opening act. This man tours all over the country cheating on his wife with other men’s wives and then going on stage telling stories about it using all of their real names. Please welcome to the stage, The Amazing Adulterino!
PAUSE.
ANGRY WIFE
(brandishing gun or some other weapon) Bring ‘em on! Where is the bastard??! He’s cheated on me for the last time!
FRANCISCO (con.)
Um. Please welcome – the man who tells true stories about cheating on his wife with other men’s wives…
ANGRY HUSBAND
(also with a weapon) I’ll kill the bastard! He cheated on her with my wife!
ANGRY WIFE
I’m gonna kill him first! And then I’m gonna cheat on his dead ass with you!
ANGRY HUSBAND
Sounds like a plan!
FRANCISCO
Shut up! Anyway, please welcome to the stage, The Amazing Adulterino!
ANOTHER BIG PAUSE.
IN RUNS PEEPEE, A SPUNKY KID IN A BASEBALL CAP.
PEEPEE
Francisco! Francisco!
FRANCISCO
Yes, Peepee? Everyone, this is the new Giant Tuesday intern, Peepee Stevens. He’s an Alternative Comedy Venue Stage Managing major at NYU.
PEEPEE
Yeah hi. Francisco, we have a problem. A big problem!
FRANCISCO
What is it Peepee? The show is about to start!
PEEPEE
It’s the Amazing Aduleterino! He won’t come out of his dressing room!
FRANCISCO
We have a dressing room now?
PEEPEE
Yep, I built it.
FRANCISCO
Way to go Peepee!
PEEPEE
Thanks. But our opening act, he won’t come out and he won’t answer the door!
FRANCISCO
Really Peepee? You mean, The Amazing Adulterino, the man who makes a living cheating on his wife with other men’s wives and then telling the true stories on stage using all real names –
PEEPEE
Yes, Francisco, we keep knocking and knocking, but there’s no answer!
FRANCISCO
I wonder why he won’t come out.
ANGRY WIFE AND HUSBAND
We’ll kill him!
(they go over to the curtain by the stage – peepee waits out front, Francisco goes back)
FRANCISCO (behind curtain knocking)
Mr. Adulterino! Hello? Mr. Adulterino? (calling back) I’m going to bust down the door!
BIG BOOM HEARD BEHIND CURTAIN.
FRANCISCO (con.)
Mr. Adulter – oh no!
PEEPEE
Is he okay?
FRANCISCO
Worse. (an arms flops out from behind the curtain) He’s dead.
[Cue CSI sound clip LOUD – the rockin’ wawa guitar portion of the Who’s “Who Are You”? Francisco and Peepee look around confuse – it plays “whoooo are you, who who, who who…for a bit, and then cuts out]
PEEPEE
Well Mr. Francisco, what do we do? What do we do?!?!
FRANCISCO
I know, without Mr. Adulterino we have nothing to open the show! We need an opening act!
[enter D’onofio and Balaban]
DONOFRIO
Nobody move! We’re going to get to the bottom of this!
FRANCISCO
Who are you?
DONOFRIO
I’m Vincent D’Onofrio.
PEEPEE
Wow! You’re from that show, Law and Order Criminal Intent! And you were great as that bug creature in Men In Black, and who can forget your chilling performance in Full Metal Jacket!
DONOFRIO
Thanks.
BALABAN
And I’m Bob Balaban!
BIG PAUSE. DONOFRIO BEGINS SNOOPING ABOUT FOR CLUES.
FRANCISCO
Um. (haltingly) I used to read about the adventures of your entire elephant family when I was a child?
BALABAN
That was Babar. Babar the Elephant. I’m Bob Balaban, famous television and film actor.
PEEPEE
Uh…oh yeah! Now I remember, you’re the one where the aliens don’t just move back and forth, they swoop down and attack! Look out Francisco!
BALABAN
No, that’s the video game Galaga. I’m a person. An actor, Bob Balaban! A Mighty Wind? Seinfeld!
FRANCISCO
Where? Do you think he’ll perform tonight if I ask nicely??!?!
BALABAN
No, Jerry Seinfeld is not here, I was on the show Seinfeld!
PAUSE.
BALABAN
Look, just forget it. My name is Bob Balaban. I’m an actor. Vincent D’Onofrio and me are here to solve this murder.
FRANCISCO
But you guys are just actors, not detectives.
DONOFRIO
Right, and Angela Lansbury was just an actress playing just a novelist on Murder She Wrote.
FRANCISCO
Good point.
DONOFRIO
So, any suspects?
THE ANGRY WIFE AND ANGRY HUSBAND CHARACTERS START TO LEAVE.
ANGRY WIFE AND ANGRY HUSBAND
Excuse me, pardon me, etc.
DONOFRIO
Whoah, whoah, whoah. Whoah.
AND THEN SOME OTHER STUFF IS GOING TO HAPPEN I GUESS!