NBA 2005 DRAFT ANALYSIS - 1st Round
Alright, Humvee salesmen get to your dealerships, because you're about to receive a host of new, young, lanky customers! That's right, the NBA draft has come and gone once again, replenishing and rejuvenating the talent of one of the most entertaining spectacles in the United States: strip-club shoot-outs! Here is my depth* analysis of the first round:
1. Milwaukee chose center Andrew Bogut, whom I have never heard of. However, I believe this to be an excellent pick. In order to compete in the NBA, teams need what I call "anger in the middle", and who would be angrier than a young man who's been called "Booger" all his life? No one. Excellent pick. Opposing teams will soon learn to stop PICKING ON THE BOOGER. Stat predictions: 4.8 points and 28.6 boards per game.
2. Atlanta goes with avid bird slapper Marvin Williams, a half forward. Now, I've never heard of this young man either, but in order to justify the phrase "bird slapper", which I just made up, I'm going to go ahead and say that this is a risky pick for the Atlanta...team. Marvin might indeed put up big bucket totals, but his reputation for slapping around birds could come back to peck him in the heiney. I'm going to be optimistic though, and predict 11.3 and 8.6. You can pick whatever stats those numbers stand for.
3. The Utah franchise chose Deron Williams, a guy who made big headlines! I would imagine. I've never heard of him, but somewhere, possibly his hometown's paper, there must be oversized headlines, a limited edition for the terrifically near-sighted, for example, of his exploits on the field. Court, I mean. In those headlines, I'm sure they mention what his forte is. It is THIS skill that Utah hopes to capitalize on! I predict they're right.
4. With Chris Paul, the New Orleans Hornets acquire the complete point guard prospect. He's quick, athletic, shoots the ball extremely well, and most important, is a true floor general who knows how to lead.
5. The Charlotte Noodle-Tempest went ahead and snagged junior high phenom Raymond Felton. At 13, Raymond will have a hard time holding his own as a rookie, but my sources assure me that "I have never heard of Raymond Felton and do not know what I am writing right now because I am so fucking hungry."
6. With shooting guard Martell Webster, the Portland Trailblazers get the complete package: speed, size, reach, gait, heft, breadth, tanginess, vim, vigor, chutzpah, pizzazz, feistiness, whole-grain, Atari, zestitution, and sunroof.
7. Toronto is a city in Canada, and whoever they picked will not want to stay there.
8. The New York Knickerbockers chose Channing Frye, whose inevitable Sportscenter nickname of "Carroll" Channing "Catcher In The" Frye will drive him to madness. However, this madness shall prove beneficial to the Knicks, whose CATCH THE MADNESS campaign will drive up ticket sales. Plus, opponents will cringe in confusion at the sight of Channing charging down the court while crying and fending off imaginary SNAKEBATS!
9. After a sweat-drenched afternoon of penetration-punctuated entwinement, I enjoy slamming open my love's bedroom window and bellowing to the construction workers below: "Part of the fun, is a job well done!" At which point the construction workers usually toss me up a can of ice-cold beer and shout, in unison, "You are Der Lovemaker!"
10. Golden State picked Ike Diogu, a man whose name can be rearranged to spell Doug Ikie, which is a slightly less weird name.
11-58. Time to go buy some lunch, dildodudes!
*No, not in-depth.
