Hurricane Epsilon

Instead of causing devastation with high-powered winds and flooding, it just makes you jerk-off onto an Oreo and eat it.

KING OF ALL MEDIA!

Hey gang, you can see me on various electronical box-like devices!

TV TONIGHT - 10pm on ESPN Classic - "Cheap Seats"
I play a cheesy car salesman who annoys the Sklar Brothers. It was fun to tape, so hopefully it will be funny to watch.

TV SOMETIME THIS WEEK, MAYBE TONIGHT - 12:30am on NBC - "Late Night with Conan O'brien"
Anthony DeVito and I play two Italian men celebrating 'Marinara Day'. I tape this in an hour or so - I have no idea if we have any dialogue. My guess is no, but still, if you happen to be awake, check it out.

INTERNET FOR A WHILE
Comedy Central's Motherload - "I Love The 30s"
Download their Motherload Media Player thingy and watch the original series "I Love The 30s" - I think I'm in little bits here and there. Check out the Hindenberg one for my rendition of the famous 'Oh The Humanity' speech.

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

BALLOONIMATION!

I haven't done this in a while, so here's how last night's GTN started:

FRANCISCO
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be starting the show shortly, we’re just waiting for our opening act to arrive. I assure you, tonight’s show will truly-

Francisco's cell phone starts to ring - the ringtone is a British child's voice repeatedly saying "Hermione!" in an agitated manner over and over.

FRANCISCO (con)
Hold on that’s my cellphone. Heh. That's...that's my ringtone. Um. (answers) Hello, this is Francisco Guglioni, host of Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inv- oh hello there Mr. Kelly. (to audience) It’s world famous R&B singer R. Kelly! Hello there, R! I must say, I am incredibly honored and excited to have you come to our show tonight and kick it off by debuting Chapter 14 of...hello? Yes, that's...that's what I just said. Are you singing? Who are you singing to? What? Yes, that’s…that’s what I just said. Why are you singing about what I just asked you? Hey – R. Kelly, it’s very hard to hold a conversation with you with you repeating everything I say to you in song after I say it. Damn! Who’s coming up the steps? Who? She just told you to hide? Who’s Dauntay? Her husband!?! R. Kelly, no, you’ve got to hide! HIDE! Quick, you’re hiding where? No, don’t sing what I’m saying to you, they’ll hear you! Stop singing, R. Kelly, just hide! No! Stop singing about where you're hiding, Dauntay will hear you!!! What was that sound? You’ve been shot! I told you not to sing while you’re hiding! Well if it’s any consolation you sound great for a guy who’s been shot. What’s that? You’re dead? How are you singing about that? Hello? HELLO? R. KELLY NOOOOOO! (hangs up) Damn. Without R. Kelly, we have no one to open the show.

MARK, BIRCH and REISMAN
Awwwwwwwwww!

Then, they each let air out of a balloon, making them wheeze and fart for a ridiculously long time.

FRANCISCO
(beat) Who the hell are you guys?

MARK
We’re Balloonimation!

FRANCISCO
Balloonimation?

MARK
Balloonimation! The only all-balloon juggling troupe in New York City! People love balloons, and they love juggling, so we’ve taken the calculated risk that they’ll love balloon juggling!

FRANCISCO
That certainly is a calculated risk.

MARK
We just happened to be walking by, on our way to one of our numerous high-paying gigs, and we couldn’t help but overhear you lamenting the fact that you don’t have an opening act for this evening.

FRANCISCO
You heard me from the street?

MARK
Okay, we were at the bar, lamenting our lack of high paying gigs. But the fact remains, you don’t have an opening act.

BIRCH
A comedy extravaganza without an opening act? That’s like a vest without sleeves!

REISMAN
Or a snake without legs!

FRANCISCO
What? Those examples don’t –

MARK
Come on, Francisco, we’re not just full of hot air.

BIRCH
But our balloons are!

Birch lets a little air out of his balloon, making it wheeze briefly.

REISMAN
Yes!

Birch and Reisman high five.

FRANCISCO
Okay boys, you've won me over. You've got your shot.

MARK
Well well, rub me on your head and stick me to the wall, thank you Francisco!

BIRCH
This is great! I’m so excited I could just pop!

REISMAN
I am pumped! And...made of latex.

FRANCISCO
Balloonimation, everyone!

Balloonimation takes the stage.

MARK
Hey folks, we’re Balloonimation, and we make juggling with balloons fun!

FRANCISCO
(shouting at stage) It already sounds pretty fun!

MARK
Hit it!

What followed was an hilariously incompetent, sloooow balloon juggling routine to a Casio keyboard pre-set music rhythm.

SEE? THE ACTUAL BALLOONIMATION PERFORMANCE WAS ONLY FUNNY IF YOU WERE THERE! So start coming to GTN more often. Tuesdays. 8pm. Rififi. FREEish.

I have invented an umbrella

that will make your larger-than-large tent-like umbrella...

pregnant.

That's right, fuckers. So keep on using those massive umbrellas. When it gets really heavy in a few months and a crying baby drops on your head, don't come screaming to me with your placenta-dripping face, I WARNED YOU HERE!

And then you're gonna have to take care of the thing. Weird little umbrellababy. What the heck is it? Spawned from two umbrellas! Yet it scrambles for your teet, mewling and gnawing. Yes, even YOUR teet, Mr. Douchebag Businessman. As you grimace and tear-up, the tiny teeth sawing away at your mannipple, you will regret using such a large umbrella.

These are the things I think about. Check out my new show - La Cabeza de du Bouchet! Ayiii!!!. This week - "hey what's with the difference in height between the sidewalk and the street? If I'm gonna drive drunk, you think six inches is gonna stop me from running over a pedestrian! Aye mi cabeza! Ayiii! Yeah, speaking of six inches running over a pedestrian, a joke about penises here! Aye no, es verdad! Mi cabeza! Ayiii!"

and so forth

She's like VOGUE magazine.

Nice to look at. Huge issues.

No pirate dog photo today.

I tell ya, it just doesn't feel like a pirate dog photo kinda day. I didn't put sugar in my coffee this morning, and I didn't take a shower. Deoderant rubbed on rough. Some cold water in my face and out the door. I scratched my left calf with my right toenails last night - scarred myself up something good, like a cat attacked. I'm wearing glasses. A sweater with holes. Stinky socks and underwear. I've picked my nose sore, but not to the point of bleeding - minor triumph! Hmm. My scalp itches. I need the food and wine oblivion of the weekend to arrive.

What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix's upper lip? Oy find it unsettling! HAR!

Oyd be remiss if I didn't make a POOPdeck joke here, I suppose! HAR!

Shiver me kibbles!

Ye better get the plastic bag ready, me matees! Har!

I'll bite ye nuts off, har!

Why are you so sullen, Gristede's late night cashier?

I smile and offer the most pleasant of etiquette, yet you refuse to make eye contact or even speak. What is going on in YOUR life, Gristede's late night cashier? I stand grinning, hand on wallet waiting to hear how much I owe, my good will deflating with each passing second. You have no intention of telling me. It's MY job to crane my neck and read your apathy-smudged register display. Very well. Here is my money. THANK YOU. Nothing in response. I extend my open palm for change. You place it on the counter. As I hamhandedly scrape it off the metal, you roll your eyes and turn away. Gristede's late night cashier, I go home to my pretty blonde girlfriend and my Ivy League diploma. Don't forget to double-bag my overflowing chalice of PRIVILEGE!!! hahahahaha! suckit.

cancertini

Worst cocktail ever.

Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death the BLAAAARF!!!

Drunken Hamlet pics

logologologologologo

The word "logo" just looks mesmerizing when you type it five times in a row without any spaces, doesn't it? Anyhow, check out a cool logo Mr. Jonny Fido designed for me:



I dig it. But the thing is, I really dig the photo that currently occupies the sidebar. Perhaps when the site is re-designed (who knows when) it can have a periodic table of the elements feel.

So, last night's installment of "give a theater 75 dollars and not perform"* went just as planned. Perhaps I need to rethink my strategy of scheduling a weekly show, not performing it, and then paying the theater 75 dollars. I foresee problems.

To clarify, I didn't perform the show due to lack of audience members. I am making an adorable face right now which is persuading you to come see next Thursday night's show.

*I actually still owe them the 75. Hey, they don't call me Senor Fiscalissimo, do they? No. No, they don't. OkayI'mbloggingeverydayfromnowondefinitely.