A small taste of the wackiness we conspire to create every week.

This portion of the Moussaoui trial is kind of silly. They've found him guilty. Fine. But now, in their quest to convince the jury to give him the death penalty, they're dragging out every possible bit of horror they can find, all of which basically add up to the notion that 'What happened on 9/11 is really, really, really bad.' Isn't that obvious already? They've already determined that Moussaoui aided, or at least through his non-cooperation he hindered the capture of, the men who hijacked those planes. They've already determined that he was part of a conspiracy that resulted in the deaths of thousands of innocent Americans. Sooooo, they need to let the jury listen to Mayor Giuliani to convince them of how horrible 9/11 was? They need to let the jury hear the Flight 93 tapes in order to convince them that crashing in a hijacked plane is a bad, awful thing? I find it all very odd and unneccessarily (I hate trying to spell that word)...maudlin. Is that the word? What's the word you use when you want to describe someone who insists on obsessing over terrible events? I dunno. It all seems ridiculous. 3,000 people died. This guy was in on it. The debate shouldn't be "Wasn't 9/11 awful", it should be "Is the death penalty necessary based on his participation in the plans." The prosecution's main goal, therefore, or stick a sock in my mouth if I'm wrong here, should be to prove that Moussaoui's INVOLVEMENT in the whole shebang was substantial enough to consider him an active culprit in these 3,000 deaths. Not just wallowing in the voyeurism of horror. And also, I may have no idea what I'm talking about, I don't read the news too carefully.

"Thank you Your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we've dressed this puppy up as the World Trade Center, and this Anaconda has been painted to look like an airliner. Let's watch. Okay...the Anaconda must have eaten recently, because he's just sitting there. I'll tell you what, we're just going to shoot the puppy twice, and each of those bullets will represent a plane. BLAM! BLAM! There. Now just imagine that thousands of people were inside that puppy. I don't know what more you need to see in order to determine that Moussaoui deserves the death penalty, but just in case you need further convincing, we are now going to play the song "In The Air Tonight" by Phil Collins. Just imagine that YOU are Phil Collins, The World Trade Center is the man drowning in the river, and Moussaoui is the guy Phil Collins is singing to...yeah. The guy...who didn't save the other guy from drowning. You guys know the story. Anyway, this trial is the concert at which YOU, the jury who is Phil Collins, now have the opportunity to shine the spotlight of justice on the guy in the audience, Moussaoui, who came to the concert not aware that YOU saw him not try to save the other guy, the World Trade Center...from drowning. On that night. That other guy who is The World Trade Center. Right. Now just a word of caution when the drums in the song really kick in, you know, that part that goes BUMBUMbumbumBUMBUMbumbumBUMBUM, we'll be showing footage of the Hindenberg crashing into JonBenet Ramsey. It's CGI. Okay smoke machines on...and lights...and cue the music."

take a night off from his weekly comedy show, get hammered while watching American Idol, and then blog about Freddy Mercury without people asking him if he's okay? Seriously folks, just a little tipsy blogging last night. It was "Queen" night on American Idol, and each contestant had to sing one of Mercury's songs. It was odd - they force them to shoehorn the entire song into a minute or so, completely losing any sense of drama or build-up within the songs. They just go for the big NOOOOOTE! that they can belt out. Eh. Like I drunkenly said last night, they sure can sing, but I still find them dull. There's more to excellent singing than just hitting the notes. Of all of them, the bald guy, Chris, is the only one that seems like there's a little bit of that spark, that musical passion going on behind his eyes. Everyone else strikes me as cruise entertainment material.

Hi there. I'm Andres du Bouchet - a maniacal genius of unparalleled self-genius-calling, and I'm here to tell you that I've had another one of my EPHIPHANIES*. Which basically means...three Newcastle Brown Ales. At any rate, I was slumped in front of the televising device tonight watching 'American Idol', and I came to a very important conclusion that is going to effect all of our lives...

Freddy Mercury is more talented than us. It's true. Sure, the poor man passed away years ago, but his talent continues to ripple outward on this pond we call THE UNIVERSE, whereas any talent each and any of us has continues its slow, steady, plop towards the sediment that lies at the bottom of the dark cloudy pool that will, in the end, swallow us all. Fuck you. Freddy Mercury rules. Each and every one of those American Idol contestants tonight had a grand voice, a fine, "he/she is the best singer in the office and/or at tonight's karaoke competition" voice, but Freddy Mercury's songs in turn devoured them whole. Fuck them too.

So indeed.

Newcastle #4 on the way. I know, it's been a while since I've been all drunk and slumped oh my god am I single again NO. HA! No ladies. Fuck you three.

*Sic. (hic!)

Hey fans and/or stumbler-uponers!

My new site should be up at some point later this year, and when it is, there will be a nifty section where you can see and hear every single video and audio clip of my stuff that I can wrangle (and then when I get one of those nifty digital video cameras all the kids seem to have, I'm going to start making digital shorts (the ideas are piling up!!!)). But for now, there's always Youtube:

Check out these clips of me performing live (Mr. Fluffernutter is my favorite monologue I've written, though the video quality is "eh" here), and on Colin Quinn's old show.

And here's a really short film I made with my current GTN pals Jonny Fido (that's his butt) and Michael Reisman back when we were in a sketch group called Canned Family.

And here's that clip of me from Cheap Seats again.

AND you can see me perform my standup ON YOUR FRIGGIN' PHONE! It's "simple". Um...

"For Verizon Vcast subscribers, go into Vcast, then into Entertainment, then into Comedy Central, and The Clip Joint will be a channel.

For Sprint subscribers, you need a Power Vision plan, then you must subscribe to the Comedy Central video channel, and again, The Clip Joint will be a channel."

Those are the instructions I was given by my contact at Comedy Central. Russ the janitor. Anyway, if you don't have one of the futurespacephones that the above instructions are clearly geared towards, just wait for it to appear on Comedy Central's Motherload, on their website. It's just me telling my 10 jokes, which I think you can also read earlier on this blog. AND SPEAKING OF MOTHERLOAD,

The same funny blokes who were nice enough to let me contribute to their 'I Love The 30s' series have just started releasing episodes of 'All Access Middle Ages'. I play 'Buttons' the minstrel, and I must say, I've got a few nice funny lines that I'm proud of. I shall now attempt to provide the proper links to view:

All Access Middle Ages: Awesomely Bad Breakups!

And I can't seem to find the I Love the 30s stuff. Maybe they took it down. Anyway, I had some funny lines in the Hindenberg episode, if you can find it.

Over and out, comedy fans!

Wittle wittle Thumbunnies hoppin' awong, hip hop hoppity hip singin' their bunny song! THUMBUNNIES!

I dunno. Just picturing my thumbs in tiny bunny outfits. It's kinda nice. Nice little respite from the dayjob, you know? Just imagining my thumbs wearing bunny costumes. Yep.

Did you know that over 99% of the population has never experienced the dangerous yet amusing thrill of witnessing a car crash through a large mirror that has somehow been maneuvered into the middle of an intersection? That's why I've started my new charity: MIRRORS ON WHEELS. Every day, MIRRORS ON WHEELS delivers much-needed, large, wheeled mirrors to busy intersections throughout the city in the hopes that a car or cars will smash through said mirrors, causing the kind of hair-raising spectacle that helps the seeing-a-car-smash-through-a-mirror-deprived feel like "Holy shit that car just smashed through that mirror oh God I've got glass on me shit ah, aaaah, ha ha oh my God owowowo ha ha ha. Ow. I'm alive ow."

Here is a sketch that was performed for the first and last time at last week's GTN. Mike Birch played Juan.

FRANCISCO
Our next guest has his own show on the Food Network, 'Table For Juan'. Tonight he's going to show us how to make his famous 7-Layer Carrot Cake, please welcome Master Chef Juan Valdeez!

JUAN
(American accent) Hola Francisco, como esta usted hoy?

FRANCISCO
Excuse me? Oh I'm sorry I don't speak Spanish.

JUAN
Oh thank God, neither do I.

FRANCISCO
Oh really, then why -

JUAN
I thought you were Spanish, you sound Spanish so my producer told -

FRANCISCO
Oh no I'm from Boliviguay, where the national language is English, but with a Spanish accent.

JUAN
Oh, okay.

FRANCISCO
But your name, Juan Valdeez, surely you're Spanish?

JUAN
No, I'm from Brazilachusetts, where everyone looks and sounds American but have Spanish names.

FRANCISCO
Wow. Anyway, Juan Valdeez, I promise not to make any Juan Valdez OR Exxon Valdeez jokes at your expense.

JUAN
I don't understand.

FRANCISCO
I won't make any jokes about uh, giant ships full of coffee leaking into the ocean and causing eh, seagulls and otters to get all jittery.

JUAN
You've totally lost me.

FRANCISCO
Well. Juan Valdez is the mascot for Colombian coffee beans, so -

JUAN
Oh I see, well I'm not very knowledgeable about old commercials and tv nostalgia -

FRANCISCO
No, he still is, it's current, he's still the mascot - in fact, there's a huge coffee shop in Times Square, The Juan Valdez cafe?

JUAN
Not ringing a bell.

FRANCISCO
So, I was sort of playfully poking fun at your name, which sounds like a combination of Juan Valdez andExxon Valdeez, so I thought ha ha whatif a big tanker ship full of coffee...

JUAN
Exxon Valdeez? Lost me again pal.

FRANCISCO
The big oil tanker accident? Huge natural catastrophe?

JUAN
I'm sorry I'm just a cook, not a professor of environmental studies or anything Francisco, heh, I really...I mean you've REALLY lost me.

FRANCISCO
The...the Exxon Valdeez! It was a huge story. In all the papers, the tv news...

JUAN
Oh I see, well in Brazilachusetts we get all our news from the internet, not thepapers or tv, so

FRANCISCO
well even moreso, it would have been all over the internet too. I mean you can go google it if you want.

JUAN
Google?

FRANCISCO
It's a popular search engine.

JUAN
Pfff. Man. I feel like I'm letting you down here. I've never heard of -

FRANCISCO
Okay well don't worry about it, let's get to the receipe for 7-Layer...oh crap. We're out of time.

JUAN
That's okay, I didn't bring any food ingredients or cooking utensils.

FRANCISCO
Oh yes, I thought something seemed a bit off.

JUAN
I'm sorry.

FRANCSICO
Anyway Juan Valdeez, we can catch your show, Table for Juan, on the Food Network.

JUAN
Every Saturday at 7pm.

FRANCISCO
So if you liked what you saw here…Um. Check it out.

the city's decision to release the 911 calls made on 9/11 to the public, or my decision to put them all on my iPod. Man. What a fucking emotional rollercoaster "shuffle" is now. I mean one second I'm listening to "Baby Got Back" and the next I'm listening to a man who has accepted his inevitable fate calmly explaining to his sobbing wife where to find the life insurance documents in their study. My morning commute is a lot more wrenching than it used to be, but on the other hand, I'm also approaching each day with a lot more appreciation for what I have, so that's nice. You know what's odd? The 9/11 calls released don't just include the ones specific to the disaster, they also include every other 911 call made during that time period. So every once in a while you'll hear something like

CALLER
Oh my God you've got to help me I'm in a bathroom in the World Trade Center help!

OPERATOR
Sir, every available unit is already on the way.

CALLER
Holy shit how'd you guys know I got my dick stuck in a bottle???

Yeah. As a side note, this is the material that walked three people during my GTN monologue last night. I wonder why. Sooooo, speaking of 911 calls, Saddam Hussein was officially charged with the genocide of the Kurds recently. I TOLD you guys that the person who makes the 911 call is usually the murderer!

SADDAM
Oh my God the Kurds. All the Kurds! You've gotta send helpohmyGod.

OPERATOR
Sir, just calm down, where are you?

SADDAM
I'm here in...oh no they don't look good. Oh nooooo this is bad these Kurds don't look good.

OPERATOR
Sir, please. Where are you?

SADDAM
(author of this post doesn't remember the name of the town where Saddam ordered the gassing of all those Kurds back in (author doesn't remember the year either))

OPERATOR
Okay, okay, we're sending an ambulance.

SADDAM
Send a really BIG ambulance oh no no.

OPERATOR
Okay, okay, sir, what's going on, just stay on the line and explain what you see.

SADDAM
I was. The Kurds...didn't show up for work today, and so I was worried about them so I came and knocked on the...Kurd...door. And oh NO THE KURDS! They're not good...they look sick. These are some sick Kurds I think they're dying SEND HELP PLEASE!

OPERATOR
Sir, help is on the way, what's wrong with the Kurds.

SADDAM
They look real sick.

OPERATOR
Just sick? What, did...did they eat something or -

SADDAM
I don't know. Oh I don't know oh no the Kurds. It got all foggy and there were planes and...or maybe they just ate something yeah.

OPERATOR
Ate something?

SADDAM
Pie.

OPERATOR
They ate bad pie?

SADDAM
Oh I don't know. This is bad send help they're not...they're not breathing!

OPERATOR
Sir can you tell me what kind of pie the Kurds ate?

SADDAM
Pfff oh I don't...there's no pie left they ate it all so I don't know. Oh no...

OPERATOR
If there's -

SADDAM
They ate all the pie so there is none.

OPERATOR
Then how do you know that -

SADDAM
OHHHHH!

OPERATOR
SIR! Sir remain calm!

SADDAM
OHHHH!

OPERATOR
Sir?

SADDAM
Oh the Kurds.

OPERATOR
(sound of typing)

SADDAM
I was at work before this and now…I knocked on the door but the Kurds didn’t answer and so I had to…knock down the town. The door. And ohno.

OPERATOR
(more typing) Sir, help should be arriving soon. Just stay with the Kurds.

SADDAM
Ohgod!

OPERATOR
What’s wrong sir?

SADDAM
Um. The Kurds.

OPERATOR
Help is coming.

SADDAM
Did I rape you?

OPERATOR
Excuse me?

SADDAM
You sound like someone I raped once.

OPERATOR
Oh, it’s possible I guess,

SADDAM
Yeah. I’m sorry I’m just trying to make chitchat.

OPERATOR
Sir, are any of the Kurds still breathing?

SADDAM
I guess not. I mean. Some were but they got shot.

OPERATOR
Shot?

SADDAM
Hmm. Oh. OH NO SOMEONE SHOT THE KURDS TOO! WHO WERE NOT DEAD FROM THE PIE! Seriously I think I raped you pretty recently.

Gotham's very own little boyscout, here to stop ME from carrying out my plans. By the time you and your little bird friend fight off my Goon Platoon, I'll be long gone on the Jokeway! My...Segway. Scooter. Emblazoned with my Joker symbol. Gas is expensive. But THIS kind of gas, I make myself! (PFFT...HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS) Put on your gas masks and get 'em, Goon Platoon!

ZOINK!

FIRCH!

BLARG!

FWUP!

NYUCK!

SBOOB!

FART!

FART!

FART!

Hi there. I'm Cluck Silberfarb, sound effects manager here at "The Post Where Andres Makes Fun Of How Much Liza Minelli Looks Like The Joker In That Particular Photo". Please bear with me, as the sfx console seems to be stuck on, we'll you guessed it. Hey - did you hear that Jerry Garcia's toilet was stolen? It's a nice toilet, but it's always JAMMING. Get it? JAMMING? I suppose I should go back in time to convince people that when they improvise on their musical instruments for long periods of time, they should call it CLOGGING. That would. That would be um. That would make the thing I just, you know, funnier. Okaybacktothepost.

GORP!

(okay the end)

That sign would freak me out. You know, to see that sign on a bodega door or something, and then go home and tentatively pick up my girlfriend's guitar, and then voila despite the fact that, to my knowledge, I've never taken a single guitar lesson, I CAN play guitar??? Freak me out. I'm all a twitter just thinking about it.

"When did you teach me how to play the frigging guitar, Dan Smith? WHEN?!?!"

I would cry to the heavens. And then I would begin thinking back. Looking through my notes. My diaries. My memories. Was there any "Lost Time" that I've been unable to account for?

CITYWIDE PANIC AS THOUSANDS SUDDENLY KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE GUITAR. DAN SMITH BROUGHT IN FOR QUESTIONING.

(for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, in NYC there are fliers EVERYWHERE which say "Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar!" and there's a picture of Dan Smith very confidently cradling his guitar. He looks very very confident that YES he will teach you guitar. So I thought...what if the fliers said "Dan Smith Has Already Taught You Guitar." I mean freaky right?)