So I auditioned to be the host of what basically amounts to a Latvian version of Jackass. I had to watch a DVD of the show, prepare some material, and then come in and perform it in character. Here's what I prepared:

INTRO
Ho yeah this is Edgars comin' forward at you in all seriousness - welcome to Kamikaze! Kamikaze is all about regular guys doing the irregular and unadvisable things - these guys lack judgment skills man! Oh also and yeah they are all from Latvia! Latvia, the taint of Europe! Uh oh I did not just go to that place but I did, ha! (L sign) Long live Latvia! Tonight we got fire, butts, Santa Claus, ice hockey and moooooore, so LOOK OUT! (hand gesture)

GUY ON FIRE
Yeah, it's Burning Man festival in Latvia! Let's all do the ecstacy and pee where is not normal to do so!

WRAP-AROUND ONE (LATVIA)
So, Latvia, right? What about it? Edgars, you say, lay it down on me. Well, Latvia is small and poor, like Gary Coleman pre-Different Strokes! Or like Gary Coleman, post-Different Strokes! Or like Gary Coleman, pre-ironic Celebrity Status! Anyway, Latvia is poor, we have saying in Latvia. (Latvian gibberish ending in teh veh), which basically means, "The country Latvia is like the word, Latvia - there is a tv in it!" Anyway, Latvia is located between Estonia...and a hard place! Ho yeah! That's right, Lithuana. Lithuania man, is a very hard place. So hard. The terrible, terrible stories I have heard. Oh man. Oh, and Latvia is always cold! Okay, let's get back to the crazy - look out!

HAT SEWN TO FACE
In Latvia, hats are so rare, we sew them to our faces so as not to lose them! New meaning phrase hat head, right!

BUTT SHOCKED WITH TAZER
Hey, it's NYPD Blue, Latvia style! Here is Sipowitz unwinding after a tough day of the policing with some butt shock!

SANTA
In Latvia, Santa only comes to one house per year. And the people hate this, so when they see him, they try to run him over! Where are your magical donkeys now, Santa? Look out!

WRAP-AROUND TWO (EDGARS)
People ask me, Edgars, what is with your story? Please to describe the situation where you are derived? Well, like the guys in Kamikaze, I too am from Latvia. Formerly I work in a backwash factory. Day after day, almost finishing bottle after bottle of soda. Then some other stuff happened that was amazing and fast forward to now, right here in this place on the Fouse Channel! And also I like to play Grand Theft Auto.

BUTT SHOT WITH BB
Yeah, more butt for your buck! In Latvia, no coffee. So, to wake up we shoot BBs at the butts. Is it a one bb morning or a two bb morning? Hey, I can't even concentrate until I've had my second BB! Shot at my butt!

WORM UP NOSE
Yeah, that guy is dying of a rare disease, so in a few months worms will be doing that anyway. Ho, just kidding! Look out!

ICE HOCKEY
Ice hockey! Much more fun than ice soccer or getting punched not on the ice.

HANDS ON FIRE
Talk about anti-climax! Already we show you whole guy on fire, now just the hands? That's like doing a number one after you've already number twoed! Or like having the salad after you've already number twoed!

BUTT PIERCING AND PADLOCK
Butt trifecta! Hey now, that's homophobia! Hey ladies, the path to a guy's heart is to remember not to lose the key to his buttlock. Real Latvian phrase! Look out!

EGGS
Hey, no yolk guys, you shell stop egging him on! Albumen!

LATVIAN FUN FACTS! (LFF!)

No fruit in Latvia! There is no fruit there!

There was a World War III, but it was secret and Latvia was the winner!

In Latvia, if you want to tell girl you like her, just point to her breasts and say booby as many times as you can before she slaps you in the face! If you can get past 15 she is legally your wife!

One U.S. Dollar buys you TWO king size Snickers bars! Dollar power!

Main export is shadow puppets and main import is certified pre-owned cabbage!

Birds in Latvia all fly at eye level! It's scary! Look out!

In Latvia, no one has ever given the finger! No one wants to be first!

OUTRO
Well, we learned a lot tonight. About how butts respond to electricity and BBs, and how what it's like when a guy is on fire. This is Edgars, saying until next time! Look out, it's Kamikaze! (guitar solo)

The above is a quote from the book Gilead, which I recently finished. As soon as I read it, I wrote it in my little notebook -- it kinda describes the thing in the back of my mind that I can't put my finger on. This weariness, self-doubt and sputtering anger I feel like I've always carried, a perpetual, unfocused, unrooted, all-encompassing feeling that I've been through a lot of shit...even though my life has been fairly comfortable. It's just that I have always felt that way. I think I've always put myself through an emotional wringer despite few external reasons to do so. My own worst enemy, so to speak. Anyhow, yeah - "Old, unhappy far-off things and battles long ago." Far-off and long ago are reasons for optimism. Hey, would it be weird to admit that I was basically miserable and overwhelmed with anxiety and had no control over my emotions for most of my life until I was like...30? And that now that I'm 35, I'm finally, finally, FINALLY feeling like I've got some fucking legs under me? Late bloomer indeed. Let those unhappy things remain far-off, and those battles remain in the distant past.

Many of you have questioned my stance on DEADLY BLASTS. Well, the time has come for me to clear the air and go on the record as being 100% against DEADLY BLASTS. I condemn DEADLY BLASTS. If some DEADLY BLASTS were to occur in my vicinity, or in the vicinity of a county or perhaps a prefect that I was (were???) in charge of, I would issue a strongly-worded statement that left no doubt as to my sentiments re: said blasts of the deadly variety. I am also a frequent opponent of when TRAGEDY STRIKES and of NEW YEARS DAY COKE BUST SLAYS. However, the last time NUN BLAB GRAB BAG LEADS TO HO-BAG'S SLAB CONFAB, STUNS GULAG HAG, I just couldn't muster the anger. Let's go National League!