In town for the VMAs, 'Too Many Guitars' legend Tornado Explosion Sanchez sat down with our own Toffee Zimmerman over some scotch coladas. Here he continues the story of how his seminal band was formed.

TORNADO
So, there we all were, every night, strumming as one. The cicadas are important to my people, and we thought that the sound of our many guitars was like the song of the cicada. On some nights we felt we could converse with them, that ratchatcha din, that wall of ratchattatatat from the forest, we had an answer, you know? We could, we thought, chat with the forest. The cicadas. I think the cicadas liked the competition, you know? It was like a friendly rivalry between two friends who like to play wrestle, but with sound.

TOFFEE
Then you made quite a splash at a battle of the bands?

TORNADO
War of the Bands. Not just a battle. All-out war. Every year in the nearby town of Picayunaplaya, they would hold a full War of the Bands. You did not play just one set, but many. And you had to do your best to cut off the other bands' supply lines or capture their best musicians. Alliances were made and broken. All guitarists. That was our advantage. Who do you kidnap? Who is our lead guitarist? No one. We are all rhythm guitarists. Take a few of us, who cares. We sound the same. We were not even our full size back then. I think we were just 31 guitarists at the time. When we won that first year, we decided it was time to start recording in the big city.

TOFFEE
Carumba.

TORNADO
Yes, the capital of sin. The city of Carumba was where we recorded our first album: "We Are Stealing Your Silence And Replacing It With...(Please Place Record On Turntable)".

TOFFEE
Tell me about your Foundation.

TORNADO
Ah yes, The Pets Without Lasers Foundation. We raise money for laserless pets.

TOFFEE
Can you put to rest any speculation about you and Beyonce Dos?

TORNADO
Ah, Beyonce Dos. Ah yes fine. I hired Nazi scientists who are in hiding to build me a Spanish speaking Beyonce Knowles clone who is programmed to love me. I called her Beyonce Dos. And now we are apart and she is even more famous than me. It is sad.

TOFFEE
Do you know Spanish?

TORNADO
No, I do not.

ANDRES
I guess I shouldn't write while focusing on my upcoming fantasy football draft. This stuff doesn't make sense. So who would YOU take with pick #6? I dunno, maybe Steven Jackson on St. Louis?

NEXT TIME...A POST THAT MAKES MORE SENSE!

Once again, New York City is home to MTV's annually televised party, the Video Music Awards, which means that once again, music journalists like our own Toffee Zimmerman can catch a rare interview with a legend or two. When we caught wind that one such luminary was going to be staying right across the street from our offices at the luxurious Pastiche-Lawnjaws Cilantro Suites (a Hyatt property), we told Toffee to grab her tape recorder and head on over to the lobby's infamous bar, The Clench, to stalk her prey. Of course she got the interview we wanted. For the first time in print, here are the thoughts of Tornado Explosion Sanchez.

TOFFEE = Toffee Zimmerman, reporter for Jetsam Magazine.
TORNADO = Tornado Explosion Sanchez, founder, lead singer and seventh rhythm guitarist for eighteen-time Grammy Award winning band, 'Too Many Guitars'

TOFFEE
Thank you for taking the time to sit down with me, Mr. Sanchez.

TORNADO
Please, call me Tornado Explosion, and no problem at all.

TOFFEE
Of course. Am I correct that this is your first visit to New York City since the infamous 'Butt Arson and Cocaine Scandal of 1987'?

TORNADO
Ha ha ha! You are bold! Oh yes, that is very true. Nineteen years later and here I am. Haven't done that since.

TOFFEE
Cocaine?

TORNADO
No, I still do cocaine.

TOFFEE
You are frequently referred to as 'The Godfather Of That Type Of Music The Gipsy Kings Play, Whatever That Is Called.'

TORNADO
I am called that. And it is true.

TOFFEE
How did you seize upon the technique of having so many guitars play at once?

TORNADO
In my hometown of Xoaca Verde, a truck overturned. It was delivering many guitars to an evil man, so we townsfolk took those guitars and hid them and when the police got there we told them some wily bobcats had taken the guitars. We made this up, but just then as we were telling the policemen our fib, God smiled upon us and sent some actual bobcats to attack the police. In the ensuing chaos, we were able to hide our town from the police in a fragrant valley where to this day all of my townspeople are guitar experts and allies to the secretive and ferocious bobcats.

TOFFEE
What about the truck driver?

TORNADO
He was transformed by magic into a tree frog, leaving behind only his bruised and bloodied human form, and lives happily to this day in the wild.

TOFFEE
I have a source who claims your town murdered the driver when you took the guitars.

TORNADO
To this day there is told of a tree frog who can drive, and that is that man.

TOFFEE
Alright, so the whole town learned how to play the guitar, what then?

TORNADO
Every evening we would gather around a bonfire and play our guitars all at once…

TO BE CONTINUED…

the sky is the color of mold
the clouds seem to start at my feet
thick like a sneeze
damp like a coworker's personality

Saw it on Cinemax last night.

It's time once again for a notebook-dump of sorts. Today, I'll be scouring my scrap of notes from the show I hosted last night and posting the tidbits that bitted the tid the most.

For example, I've been doing a lot of pitching this summer, and one of the shows I'm most proud of is called Who Wants To Fuck Me Twice? It's a reality show in which 20 female contestants are each fucked by me, Andres du Bouchet, on a one-per-episode basis. After I've fucked every contestant ONCE, I then decide which one I'd like to fuck a SECOND time. And then I do. That's the show. No prize. No binding commitment of any kind between the 19 fucked once women or the 1 fucked twice woman and me or the show, which I shall heretofore refer to as WWTFMT. The women all get fucked once (with the exception of the "winner", who gets fucked twice), and that's it. I think it's a can't-miss. I'm assured of some enthusiastic fucking, because after all, each woman is trying to outfuck the others in an attempt to be chosen as the twice-fucked woman. I could go on, but I won't.

Another show I've created is called Kids Say The Most Inaccurate Things! It's similar to other shows you've seen, but in this case, a sidebar graphic tallies up all of the inaccuracies spouted by each child that I'm talking to. Then, when the child grows up and gets a job, they are fined one thousand dollars per inaccuracy. I also maintain a straight face the entire time I talk to the kids, and never once call them by their correct names. This is a good technique for flustering them and ensuring that they say more inaccurate things.

COOLCULATOR - this invention of mine has already proven impractical, as it is a beverage-cooling thermos with a calculator attached to the outside. I've been tackled and arrested both times I've tried to use one in public, and my initial shipment of 1000 prototypes from my factory in Islamabad never made it here due to Customs quacking up my ass.

Chemoflage - this is for hunters with cancer.

I met a gentleman who was a Holocaust Survivor, and I made the terrible error of trying to find some common ground with him conversationally by mentioning that I used to be a college DJ, and that one of our annual events was SURVIVOR HOLOCAUST - 24 hours of "Eye of the Tiger" straight.

I want to put two listings on Craigslist. One advertising myself as a "Man With A Van" and another advertising myself as a "Pizza And Beer Delivery Service". I will coordinate requisitions for both services so that I can help someone move, get paid in pizza and beer, and then immeditaly deliver that pizza and beer to someone else in exchange for cash. I want to do this instead of asking for cash to help people move. I will call it Pizza Laundering.

America's Got Airtime - every single citizen of the U.S. gets 5 minutes of airtime.

And I slowly back out of the room grinning.

I recently saw (no I didn't) a sneak preview of the most-anticipated title* of the summer, Snakes On A Plane!, and let me tell you, the screenwriters must have had a real ball writing this film. Every time SLJ (that's what we Hollywood insiders call Samuel L. Jackson (it's also what we primate trainers call Simian Linguistic Jostling))disptaches a snake in some cool manner, he also utters some equally cool one-liner in true action hero fashion. Here are a few that I can remember:

A reticulated python? Huh. Reticulate THIS, motherfucker.

Coral snake? More like a corralled snake, motherfucker. Because I've corralled you!

Cobra? You're gonna need COBRA when I'm done with you motherfucker. Because when you return to your fulltime job, you won't be able to fulfill your duties as well as before, and then your employer will sort of subtly add to your daily responsibilities more and more, knowing that eventually you'll get fed up and quit, which you will. Do. Then you'll need something to replace your health insurance. COBRA!

Hey python. I ate 12 pies at a pie-a-thon once. But I lost to some Japanese kid. Motherfucker.

Cotton mouth? More like you are a snake that is now on fire, motherfucker.

Hey rattlesnake, tread on THIS motherfucker!

I am shooting a motherfucking black mamba!

Hey Whitesnake how'd you get on my plane? Well here you go again on your own - out the motherfucking airlock motherfucker! (yeah, I don't know if they call the door that leads outside an airlock or not, whatev)

Hey Great White! All those poor people that died during your show! Motherfucker!

Hey White Lion! Wait! Wait! I didn't get to say 'Motherfucker!'

Hey Glass Tiger! Don't forget me when I'm gone, motherfucker!

Hey Hobbes, you were a stuffed tiger that came to life in Calvin's imagination! I um. Miss you. Motherfuck. er. Seriously, what is that dude doing now? Shouldn't he just start making Calvin & Hobbes again? That was the last best cartoon ever. And Far Side. The Far Side guy should start making those again too.

Okey doke, this has been another fart.

*title, not film

Blam. Problem solved.

Hey there. Talent agent extraordinaire Karl Management here, head of Management Talent Management. Remember, IF YOU'VE GOT TALENT TO MANAGE, LET MANAGEMENT TALENT MANAGEMENT MANAGE YOUR TALENT! IF NOT, I'M SURE YOU'LL MANAGE. Boy oh boy I am more hung over this morning than I've been in a long time, my friend. And why? Why else? Lavish premiere! I'll let you in on a little secret - studies have shown that, statistically, the #1 culprit in Karl Management hangovers is by far the LAVISH PREMIERE! Followed closely by the #2 culprit, Drinking An Entire Bottle Of Patron Silver Alone In One Of The Stalls Of The Men's Room In The Lobby Of The Regent Beverly Wilshire. Don't ask! I don't have time to explain the intricacies of Hollywood networking! How'd Colin Farrell land the part of Crockett in Miami Vice? Me! Tequila! Men's Room! 'Nuff said! Anyhowhoohow, what lavish premiere did I attend last night? None other than Oliver Stone's controversial new Samuel L. Jackson starring project, Snakes On United 93! We're talking bold film-making at it's boldest. I mean this thing came at you like a ton of bricks. When Samuel L. Jackson mutters "Let's roll" right after he bites the head off of a Cobra? Chills! When he mutters "Reticulate this, motherfucker" right before he blows the python out of the airlock? Spills! When the Navy SEAL rattlesnake and the Al Qaeda black mamba have that slo-mo snake-fu fight? Bills! As in, this movie is going to rake them in! Man, and when SPOILERS AHEAD! the plane lands safely in a Pennsylvania field, crushing the motorcycle that Osama Bin Laden and George W. Bush were riding on together because they had just found out that Samuel L. Jackson had just found out that they were in on 9/11 together??? Oliver Stone, you are certainly not afraid to push buttons. And those buttons are labeled CHA and CHING. I look for Snakes On United 93 to nab big BO in the US and OS. Career boost ops here for SLJ as well as Fred Savage, Gwen Stefani and Seth Rogen. Snake and Arab effects are top-notch thanks to the folks at Henson. So, the film was a hit with this guy, right, so you know it wasn't going to be a duck and run evening. I stayed to party. And when I party, I party hearty like havarti so take away my carkeys, barkeep. Damn! Yes, I only included the word havarti in there for rhyming and cadence purposes! So, who'd I spy at the pre-party, party, after-party, and after-after-party? More stars than Wile E. Coyote sees floatin' around his head when the ACME thing he's riding when he's chasing after that superbird crashes into that rocky outcropping thing. A lot. Quick rundown!

Suri Cruise! This four month old is already walking and talking thanks to her special Scientology powers! I was disturbed by her insistance on calling me a Level 4 Entity instead of Karl. Plus, like all four month olds, she smelled like doo!

Nick Nolte! I had a good time talking to him about tequila and bathrooms, and surprisingly, plate techtonics and geothermal vents. However, he had the same odor problem as Suri.

Corduroy Jones. The great blues musician was there with his wife, former pornstar Ilga Nurnjjy (aka Twat Hopkins) - he wowed us all with an impromptu spoken word a capella version of his hit song "I'd like a Scotch Colada." Come to think of it, maybe he was just ordering a scotch colada.*

Chantryce Diamonelle. The diva herself was in attendance, sporting a look that can only be described as "three Post-Its". WOW. I'll tell you, her personal trainer deserves whatever she pays her, because that is one lady whose body I would like to have sex with in the nude until I have orgasmed.

Boutique Wilson, from the hit reality show "Arbitrary Judgment Lineup". He was there wearing a habitrail bandolier! It was kind of distracting watching the hamsters dart back and forth across his torso, but at the same time, it gave me something to focus on whenever the conversation got too 'homoesque'. Boutique assured me that the upcoming season of AJL would be "even more arbitrary."

BORED OF WRITING THIS POST. Time to stare at the Mets boxscore in realtime!

*Scotch Colada, let me rock you
Let me rock you, Scotch Colada
Let me rock you, that's all I wanna do
Scotch Colada, let me rock you
Let me rock you, Scotch Colada
Let me rock you, 'cause I feel for you**

**Fuh-Fuh-Feeeel for you.

(years upon years upon heeping helpings of years ago, I wrote a short little commercial parody, which I can now find no tape or written record of - so I'm trying to rewrite it here from scratch in a much less usable (and MUCH less shootable) rambling form - in fact, I would change a lot of this if I shot it, this is just a ramble. framble.)

Tired of dropped calls?

Shot of a young businesswoman mouthing "hello, hello?" and then glaring at her cell phone in frustration.

What about dropped phones??

A tourist on the observation deck of the Empire State Building fumbles with his phone and drops it over the edge - somehow his fumbling ridiculously catapults the phone high over the protective wall. Cut to a cordoned-off accident scene at street level where a dead body lies with a cell phone embedded in its skull.

And hands-free cords may LOOK convenient, but uh-oh!

Two cocky businessmen wheeler-dealer types chatter away into their dangling hands-free cords and gesture freely with both hands, but as they pass each other in the street, somehow their two cords get tangled up, strangling one to death while the other falls into the street and gets run over by a car being driver by yet another wheler dealer type talking on HIS hands free cell phone. The car explodes for no reason.

Well what if there was nothing to drop, nothing to tangle, in fact, nothing to DIAL at all!

A casually dressed guy walks down the street talking to himself and listing to one side with no phone visible anywhere - he is really lurching awkwardly and swerving to and fro spasmodically.

COCHLEA-PHONE!

Installed in the middle ear and wired directly to the brain, cochlea-phone provides the most convenient telecommunications experience possible, with only a modest loss of balance and motor control.

A cross-section diagram shows where Cochlea-Phone's tiny components are installed, deep inside the ear canal. Electro-wavy things emenate from the device to illustrate that "it's working!"

This scientist is wearing rubber gloves coated in olive oil to illustrate just how awkward a regular cell phone can be.

A man in a lab coat wearing rubber gloves glistening with oil attempts to use a cell phone. He is shot in the chest by a flaming arrow.

No more dangling handsfree cords! No more fragile flip phones! No more static! And just a moderate amount of unseemly lurching! Just blink five times in quick succession, (video illustrating method) listen for the dial tone in your head, think of the number you want to dial mentally using the voice of 'Sex And The City''s Mario Cantone*, and then talk away while taking care to avoid hurting yourself due to the loss of balance and motor control!

With Cochlea-Phone, Sherri can talk to her husband while she brings home groceries!

Sherri talks to herself as she lurches down the street carrying two big brown bags of groceries. Produce is spilling out of the bags and onto the street as she shakes and stumbles.

Cochlea-phone lets Gary chat with his brother while bringing coffee back for the whole crew!

A construction worker carries a tray of coffees which are spilling everywhere as he talks to himself and spazzes down the street.

And here's another satisfied Cochlea-Phone user!

A dirty looking man talks to himself and jerks this way and that as he slumps against a wall.

Oh wait, that's not Cochlea-Phone, that's late stage syphillis.

Cochleaphone! The latest in advanced telecommunications!

OKay this was a super rough draft but I'm posting anyway ha ha!

*Every Cochlea-Phone comes with a CD of Mario Cantone counting, so you can mentally practice mentally dialing phone numbers with his voice. Mentally.

Once again I've submitted a writing packet to SNL, and my favorite component of it is this sketch, which I adapted from a GTN game to a good ol' fashioned gameshow sketch. I get a real kick out of putting Mr. Walken's name in there, along with the SNL actors' names. Okey doke, here it is:

WALKEN TALK ~ Christopher Walken, Darrell, Bill, Fred

(A GAMESHOW SET, A LA ‘JEOPARDY’, WITH CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IN THE HOST SPOT AND DARRELL, BILL & FRED AS THE THREE CONTESTANTS)

OPENING JINGLE
(AS CAMERA SWOOPS DOWN TO THE SET)
If you can’t talk like Walken then you better start walkin’, it’s time for Walken Talk!

WALKEN
Hey folks welcome back to Walken Talk, the only gameshow in which three Christopher Walken impersonators try to answer trivia questions about Christopher Walken. I’m your host. Christopher Walken. How’s everybody doing?

DARRELL, BILL & FRED
(DOING WALKEN IMPRESSIONS - ASSORTED “GREAT, FANTASTIC” ETC.)

WALKEN
Terrific. Me? I'm doing great. I gotta admit, I've been feeling awesome basically my whole life. Alright a little bit about this game. I don’t know if you folks at home realize this, but I have a fairly distinctive voice. In fact, if I had a million dollars for every comedian out there who does an impression of me, I'd have several million dollars. You know what, I just realized. I do have several million dollars. I've had a great career in film. Now here’s how we play Walken Talk. I am going to ask our panel of Christopher Walken impersonators a series of trivia questions about me, Christopher Walken. They’ve got to answer my questions about me as me, and whichever Christopher Walken impersonator gets the most questions right wins…my next film role. Boom. I'll give it to 'em. I think it's the part of a creepy dentist or maybe a demon. To be honest I forget. Alright let's meet those impersonators. First we have Walken impersonator #1. Say hello, Darrell Hammond.

DARRELL
(DOING HIS BEST WALKEN IMPRESSION)
Hello Christopher. I gotta say, it’s an honor to be here. Whoa.

WALKEN
Wow. You sound exactly like me. I gotta admit, I'm a bit freaked out. It's great! Let's meet Christopher Walken impersonator #2. Hey there Bill Hader.

BILL
(ALSO DOING HIS BEST WALKEN IMPRESSION)
It's great to be here Mr. Walken. I can't wait. To try to answer questions about you. As Christopher Walken.

WALKEN
Man, I just can't take it. This is driving me crazy. He sounds just like me too. Baby. And finally, let's meet impersonator #3! Fred Armison.

FRED
(DOING A VERY SUB-PAR WALKEN IMPRESSION)
Hello Christopher Walken. I am also a Christopher Walken impersonator.

WALKEN
(BEAT) Hmm. Can you say something else. I gotta hear you talk again.

FRED
Sure, whatever you want. It's nice weather we're having. Whoa.

WALKEN
(BEAT) Yeah. Okay, say one more thing, I gotta hear you say one other thing.

FRED
Hello, I'm Christopher Walken.

WALKEN
Okay. I gotta be honest with you, number three. You are probably... the best Christopher Walken impersonator I've ever heard! You hit the nail more on the head than any of 'em. Alright, let’s play Walken Talk. Here we go! Question #1! Last year, the god-awful mess that is the Star Wars prequels finally came to an end. Little known fact - I, Christopher Walken, was the second choice to play a certain character in the original trilogy. What character did I almost play in Star Wars?

(DARRELL BUZZES)

WALKEN
Walken #1.

DARRELL
Boba Fett.

WALKEN
Wrong.

(BILL BUZZES)

WALKEN
Walken #2.

BILL
Everybody knows you were almost chosen to play Han Solo in the original Star Wars Trilogy.

WALKEN
You got it. Han Solo it is. "Whaddya mean you never heard of the Millennium Falcon you space jerk?" I woulda nailed it. Okay, question #2! I won an Oscar for what film?

(DARRELL BUZZES)

WALKEN
Walken #1.

DARRELL
Annie Hall.

WALKEN
No!

(BILL BUZZES)

WALKEN
#2.

BILL
Catch Me If You Can.

WALKEN
(BEAT) I gotta be honest with ya, I’ve never heard of that film.

(FRED BUZZES)

WALKEN
And #3 buzzes in. Whaddya got?

FRED
The film you won an Oscar for –

WALKEN
(ADMIRINGLY) Whoah he’s good.

FRED
- was The Deer Hunter.

WALKEN
Correct! I won an Oscar for the Deer Hunter. I forget what that film was about or who I played. I hope I caught some deer. I gotta tell ya…

(STRANGELY LONG BEAT. CUT TO CONTESTANTS WAITING THEN BACK TO WALKEN)

WALKEN (CONT’D)
Okay. So far contestants 2 and 3 each have one right. Question number #3! I've made over 94 different films. However, I recently turned down a role in a very big movie. What was the highly publicized role I turned down?

(FRED BUZZES)

WALKEN
Yeah, hot shot.

FRED
You turned down the role of –

WALKEN
Wow it’s like listening in a mirror! Whatever that means. Sorry, go ahead.

FRED
Jor-El in Superman Returns.

WALKEN
Wrong.

(BILL BUZZES)

WALKEN
Hit me numero dos!

BILL
Davy Jones in Pirates of The Caribbean Part Two: Dead Man’s Chest!

WALKEN
I wish. I love pirates. But no. #1 take a crack at it!

DARRELL
You passed on the chance to play Robert Langdon in The Davinci -

WALKEN
It was a trick question! I've never turned down a film role in my life! Who's got a film they want me to be in? I'm there! I'll play anything from King Lear to busboy number three, call my agent! All right, whoever gets this one right wins! Right now, in my head, I’m picturing a famous historical figure – and he or she is wearing a baseball cap. Who is the historical figure, and what baseball team logo is on the cap?

(LONG BEAT – THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE)

WALKEN (CONT'D)
(QUIETLY, ENCOURAGINGLY) Historical figure. Baseball cap. I’m gonna need the name of the historical figure and the name of the team on the cap. Baseball. America’s passtime.

(FINALLY, FRED BUZZES)

WALKEN
Lay it on me baby!

FRED
Napoleon Bonaparte – and he’s wearing a Seattle Mariners cap.

WALKEN
Yeah, that’s it. You got it my man. Napoleon Bonaparte in a Mariners cap. Hey what an odd thing for me to have in my head. I wonder…

(ANOTHER ODDLY LONG BEAT)

WALKEN (CON.)
Well it looks like Christopher Walken impersonator #3 is the winner of the role in my next film. Like I said before, I think it's the part of a crooked cop or maybe some sort of ghost. I gotta call the producer, we’ll set you up. Congrats!

FRED
Thank you.

WALKEN
Wow, am I really standing over here, because it sounds like I’m standing over there! Alright that’s all the time we’ve got. Seeya next time on Walken Talk! Say goodnight Walkens!

DARRELL, BILL & FRED
(ASSORTED FAREWELLS)

(OUTRO JINGLE AS WALKEN DANCES)

THE END.

Howzitgoin. Just making my rounds. A good captain doesn't spend all his time on the bridge barking orders, or in his quarters dallying with his log. OR his diary! HA! But seriously. A good captain wanders the cold steel corridors of his vessel from time to time, talking to the ensigns. The hatch lackeys. The pod mongrels. Airlock honchos. Torpedo wranglers and even that one unconscious guy in the medlab with that thing we just can't get off his face. I think he's a turd herder - the least prestigious position here aboard the S.S. Explorator. I'll always remember the nugget of advice given to me by Admiral Snab right after he renamed thiis ship but before he died from a massive case of 24-hour Rectal Cancer Of The Face. And also before I could tell him that Explorer was the name he was going for, not Explorator. He told me "Pay lipservice to the underlings. And don't ever make out with a radioactive taintbot. It might look like a regular whore, but it's made 100% of reconstituted taint. And it's radioack." Then he died. Anyway, what are you up to, ensign? Ah yes, polishing those consoles. Excellent. Console. I've always liked that term. It brings a small measure of peace of mind to button-pushing and lever-jostling. Console. "No one can console the console cajoler's soul, for though a console is always near, he remains inconsoleable. Dear." I just made that up. Which console is this? Oh, the ULTIMATE LASER console. Really? Down here on level 17B? Hmm. You'd think they'd put this particular console up on the bridge. Odd. Okay, time for me to go to the holograph immersion room for some more...um...historical research. That's why I'm...wearing a bathrobe and carrying this trident ending in...three...simulated phallusses. Simu...phalli. Yeah. Whoah, odd that I totally forgot where I was going when I decided to talk to you. Okay bye ensign.