HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Here are some suggestions for absolutely undesirable treats:
pennies - the penny is the godfather of the shitty Halloween treat. Nothing says "I rummaged through my couch and maybe in my bathrobe pockets to find something hard and cold and tiny to give to some strange kids so I can catch a glimpse of their mischievous joy turn to disappointment" like the penny.
apples - another classic. It's almost passive agressive in its awfulness. sure, apples are great, but to give someone a healthy snack on the one day of the year when you're SUPPOSED to eat tons of candy. That's a big fuck you. If someone gives you an apple on Halloween, they hate themselves, and they hate that you're out having fun. Trust me, they were raised by terrible people, and they will crush their own children's hope. SERIOUSLY. Someone tries to give you an apple, slap it out of their hand - I mean SLAP it hard out of their hand, look them dead in the eye and say "Don't pile your bitterness on me, fuckface. I like myself."
empty snicker's wrapper filled with pennies, resealed - this is bordering on something a serial killer would do, I guess. Kind of creepy. heck, at least a snicker's bar wrapper full of pennies is probably enough to buy...half an actual snickers bar? If you consider toying with expecations an art form, this shitty treat might be for you.
omelette station - this one really speaks for itself.
crudite - ditto
caricature - offer to sketch a quick caricature of each child. Sketch fast and furious, ask them what their favorite hobbies are, and who their favorite movie star or athlete is. Then, when you hand them the caricature, it's just a picture of them fellating a rifle being held by a caricature of Snoopy. Man, that would be a terrible treat to give.
tiramisu
one of those mangos on a stick
a personalized min-a capella song - "Ooooh little child in a pirate outfit, you gonna dance the niiiight awaaay! Oooh baby!" Seriously, make stuff up for like, 15 minutes. Don't stop singing. "Oooh young pirate child! Dance dance dance! Heee!"
[super duper duper ROUGH draft - can something that looks like this on paper be funny on stage - I'm betting on YES! come on by Tuesday night and see for yourself!]
I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO FORMAT THIS.
THE AMAZING CANDY TESTER
by Andres du Bouchet
for 10/31/06 GTN
FRANCISCO
Please welcome to the stage, Mike Birch! Ooh, let me just get my drink.
Francisco turns away and then backs into Birch. AIGH!
(Birch takes the stage in a labcoat)
FRANCISCO (con.)
Welcome back Mike, Happy Halloween!
BIRCH
Happy Halloween Francisco.
FRANCISCO
What have you got for us this week?
BIRCH
Francisco, do you have any children?
FRANCISCO
Not that I know of ha ha ha!
BIRCH
What is that supposed to mean? That you've had a lot of unprotected sex? And now maybe you've got kids out there that you're not helping raise? Or support? That's awful. You know how many kids out there are being raised without their fathers? Fathers who didn't have the balls to stick around? That's...don't even joke about that. C'mon. I mean C'MON.
FRANCISCO
No, I don't have kids
BIRCH
Okay, let me ask you another question.
FRANCISCO
And if I HAD any kids anywhere, I would help support them. I'm sorry about what I said.
BIRCH
No, it's okay, I know. I know. Let me ask you another question - if you did have kids, would you want them to die from eating tainted candy?
FRANCISCO
Fuck you. You came here to fuck with my mind.
BIRCH
No, look -
FRANCISCO
Dammit when I make love to women on the road I use protection! And if I DID have kids, I would be a good father!
BIRCH
Alright alright look. We got off on the wrong foot. I'm basically here with an invention that tells you whether or not candy is safe to eat.
FRANCISCO
Oh. Okay.
BIRCH
Francisco, allow me to introduce...The Candy Tester 8000! (Rob in a huge cardboard box walks onto the stage. The box has a slot in it around where Rob's mouth would be)
Francisco, did you know that every year, 12 million children die from tainted candy. With the Candy Tester 8000, we hope to cut that number by a third.
FRANCISCO
Amazing!
BIRCH
The Candy Tester 8000 may look simple, but it's a remarkably sophisticated device that can detect tainted candy.
FRANCISCO
So my child comes home from trick-or-treating, and I put his or her candy into the Candy Tester to find out if it's safe to eat.
BIRCH
Exactly. Let's test it out, shall we?
FRANCISCO
Sure.
BIRCH
Simply place the candy in the slot. If the Candy Tester detects any poison, razorblades, fecal matter, drugs, or animal parts, it will destroy the candy and eject the candy wrapper. If the candy is safe, it will eject the whole candy.
FRANCISCO
Okay, I just happen to have some candy here, so let’s give it a try. First let’s put a Twix in there.
(Francisco puts the Twix into the slot – the Candy Tester jostles a bit as Rob eats the candy inside the box, while also making BEEP BOOP BEEP noises really loudly – the desired effect is that we can hear Rob fairly clearly beeping and booping, and then the beeping and booping get a little muffled as he’s eating the candy)
BIRCH
(shouting over the ruckus) Right now the Candy Tester is determining whether or not the candy is safe to eat .
FRANCISCO
Your Candy Tester 8000 sounds a little off.
BIRCH
Oh ha ha those are just the speakers.
(Rob makes a BZZZZT! Noise and drops the Twix wrapper on the ground.)
BIRCH
There you go – the Twix was tainted.
FRANCISCO
It just sort of unceremoniously drops the wrapper on the floor like that?
BIRCH
Let’s try another one!
FRANCISCO
Sure. How about a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.
(Fran puts the candy in, same beep boop routine, followed by BZZZT! Dropped wrapper)
BIRCH
Wow. Another tainted candy!
FRANCISCO
What are the odds?
BIRCH
Much much greater than you’d think. Good thing we’ve got the Candy Tester 8000 here to test the candy.
FRANCISCO
Let’s test these candy corns.
(candy corns drop right through and clatter on the ground.)
BIRCH
Those are fine.
FRANCISCO
And these (another kind of candy no one really likes – they drop through)
BIRCH
Fine.
FRANCISCO
And this apple.
(it drops right through)
BIRCH
Apple’s fine.
FRANCISCO
Hmm. How about this Nutrageous bar.
(beep boop bzzzt wrapper)
BIRCH
Tainted.
FRANCISCO
Dammit! Only the tasty stuff is tainted! Well now I’m really worried! Maybe I’ve got a whole batch of tainted candy! Let’s test all of it.
BIRCH
Sure!
(Francisco starts feeding the candy into the slot at a steady pace – naming each candy as he goes. Inside the box, Rob starts eating them and beeping and booping, but when the pace gets too fast he just starts filling his pockets with the candy bars – and then when he can’t keep up the pace things start to drop on the floor – Francisco and Birch can comment on all of this. After Francisco runs out of things to shove in the box, the beeping, booping, dropping wrappers continue, and it sounds like Rob is starting to not feel so well)
FRANCISCO
Thank God for the Candy Tester. Look, only a few pieces aren’t tainted. (Francisco picks up a couple). Let’s get some more candy to test up here – I’ll just call fellow cast member Rob Gorden to bring some more.
(Fran calls Rob – hopefully we hear Rob’s cell inside the box)
FRANCISCO
Where’s that sound coming from? What the? Hey!
(Fran pulls box off of Rob to reveal a chocolatey-faced Rob with candy bursting out of every pocket. He looks unwell.)
ROB
Oh my tummy aches!
FRANCISCO
Both of you! Get the F off my stage!
BIRCH
Douched!
Hey pre-dinner wine swilling sitting here tryin' to blog with C.S.I. on the tv and good smelling food simmering on the stove and yeah winewine! SO:
How about that Enron? And then other infamous Corporate Scandals funny list time!
1. March 3, 1999, millions of Americans' suspicions are confirmed as Arby's CEO Fred Harbinger finally admits that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ARBY'S. "We just wanted to make commercials featuring close-ups of sweaty roast beef" says Harbinger.
What the? LOL!
2. In 1987, Ljurn Sonsonson, chairman of LEGO, personally goes door-to-door to the home of every LEGO shareholder...and rapes them! CORPORATE SCANDAL! lmao.
3. Peregrine Systems - overstated $100 million in sales by improperly recognizing revenue from third-party resellers!
4. Bisquick pancake mix is 30% cremated Iroqouis! The plant is built on sacred ground. SACRED GROUND!
5. Fuckman hasn't fucked anyone in 12 years. Sell your Fuckman stock, people.
6. June 19th, 1978 - Ford recalls 140,000 vehicles, admitting that "they are rigged to explode if a black person tries to drive them" whattheohmygodTHAT'STERRIBLE! Later, whistleblowers revealed that their first whiff of incredible wrongness came when Ford announced the vehicle's name in 1977 - THE 1978 FORD NIGGER STOPPER. Holyshit how awful!!! To this day, the Ford NS 300 is featured prominently in many rap artist's music videos as a sign of overcoming "The Man". Indeed.
7. 1954 - Sweatpants Made Of Jews Inc. is forced to close.
8. 2006 - M&M Mars admits that green M&Ms actually are aphrodisiacs, and that one of the corporate mission statements is "hey let's get kids to fuck".
9. 2002 KFC announces that every piece of fried chicken they've ever served contains jizz.
10. Microsoft stole my wallet!
Dinner time. Ah a nice glass of wine is good to get the blogging going again.
Sorry for the fall-off. Sometimes the lightbulb just doesn't work for a while.
As you were.
A man, a plan: Anal Panama!
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
The very funny Amanda Melson came up with this idea for GTN, and was nice enough to let me take a crack at writing it:
FRANCISCO
Ladies and gentlemen, our first guests willl be performing for us throughout tonight's show. They combine the exciting action of rollerskating with the intense dialogue of the television dramas by Aaron Sorkin. It is my pleasure to bring you - Roller Sorkin!
[Birch, Ann and Melson emerge from the curtains by the entrance to the theater]
BIRCH
Hey folks, we're Roller Sorkin.
MELSON
There's only one thing more exciting than arguing while walking!
ANN
And that's arguing while rolling!
BIRCH
The West Wing. Season Two. Episode Eight!
ANN, MELSON & BIRCH
Ready? Okay!
[Birch and Melson begin to skate up and down the theater aisle while Ann dances in place]
MELSON
Did you read McIntyre's speech?
BIRCH
She said I was "boorish".
MELSON
You need to read the speech.
BIRCH
What does Boorish mean anyway?
MELSON
Boorish means ill-mannered. You didn't read the speech did you.
BIRCH
I'm not ill-mannered.
MELSON
Yes you are. Case in point, you said you would read the speech and you didn't.
BIRCH
I don't need to read the speech.
MELSON
Why not?
BIRCH
I wrote it.
ANN, MELSON & BIRCH
Roller Sorkin!
---
FRANCISCO
Ladies and Gentlemen, once again give it up for Roller Sorkin!
BIRCH
Sports Night. Season One. Episode Three!
ANN, MELSON & BIRCH
Ready? Okay!
[Birch and Ann skate while Melson dances in place]
ANN
Giants got trounced tonight.
BIRCH
No they didn't. Why aren't you allowed in Nobu?
ANN
What do you mean they didn't? I edited the piece, they lost 34-14.
BIRCH
The game went into overtime. What happened at Nobu? Did you cause a scene?
ANN
Overtime but how? I don't cause scenes.
BIRCH
Gee, I guess the Giants tied it. You do so cause scenes.
ANN
I don't cause scenes. I need to re-edit the piece.
BIRCH
I'll re-edit the piece if you tell me why you're not allowed in Nobu.
ANN
Ask Karen.
BIRCH
I'm sorry about your mother.
ANN, MELSON & BIRCH
Roller Sorkin!
---
FRANCISCO
Let's hear it one more time for Roller Sorkin!
BIRCH
Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. Season One. Episode Six!
[Ann and Melson skate while Birch dances in place]
ANN
Did you read the Crazy Christians sketch?
MELSON
I haven't done any drugs in three months.
ANN
What about the Born-Again Bowling* sketch?
MELSON
I haven't had so much as a poppyseed bagel.
ANN
Did you read the Retarded Republicans sketch?
MELSON
Who the hell told them I was doing coke?
ANN
How about the Pro-Life Lifeguards sketch?
MELSON
Why should they care anyway as long as the show's funny?
ANN
Did you read the Church Shmurch sketch?
MELSON
This show is the single most important show in the history of television and they're obsessing over what I may or may not be putting up my nose or in my veins it's horsesh-
ANN
Please tell me you at least read the Church Smurch sketch!
MELSON
I don't need to read the Church Smurch sketch.
ANN
Why not?
MELSON
I wrote it.
ANN
Why aren't you allowed in Wolfgang Pucks?
SQUIGGY**
Hello Laverne!
ANN, MELSON & BIRCH
Roller Sorkin!
*Born-Again Bowling by Kevin Maher
**Not actually in sketch.
Al was a 16-year old very fit intern who worked with us at GTN for several weeks this summer. He helped a great deal with faxing, filing, collating, invention wrangling, dialogue jostling, light and sound finagling, and of course, sliding the thing down the string. We liked Al. Heck, I liked him. I asked for his e-mail address so we could keep in touch. You know, so he could keep me appraised of his post-GTN experiences. I value feedback from interns. And to make sure I remember the intern more clearly, in order to match a face to a name, I ask each fit intern that comes through GTN to e-mail me a photograph. A photograph of themselves which they have photoshopped so that it appears that a green rectangle is protruding from their mouths and going off the edge of the photo. Just a thick, green rectangle. No big deal, right? Innocent enough, right? Just a thick, slightly bent green rectangle! I mean what's the big deal? Why am I coming under fire for this? No I won't show you those photos, or what I've done to them using greenscreen technology. What? WHAT?
Sometimes a boring post is good to clean out the system.