The new Wii console from Nintendo slightly reduces the amount of potato, because the controllers must be waved around in order to effect the movements of your onscreen alter-ego. Nintendo has ADDED FOREARM MOVEMENT! The roster of games available is impressive:

Pinata Party
Jenga
The Calligraphist!
Knit Quest!
Short Order Cook III: Truckstop Expansion Pack
Emergency Room Surgeon! (wait. that would be cool.)
Dike Plugger!
Head-to-Head Bedazzler!
Check Please! The Motioning For Your Waiter To Bring You Your Check Game!
Fireplace!
Lumberjack Sports
Salad Master
Wedding Photographer
Fonz-lympics
Fingerpainting
Regional Sales Presentation Laserpoint Challenge
Tom Sawyer Fence Painting!
Scarf Dancing
You Are The Guy On The Tarmac!
Edward Scissorhands - you need 10 Wii controllers, one for each finger.
Spackle!

When the coyote calls and the falcons soar.

THUNDER! LAZER!

When moonlit desert and fights with swords.

THUNDER! LAZER!

When evil deeds in the mountain!

When evil deeds in the mountain!

When evil deeeeeeeeeeeds!

Thunderlazer.

Oh Thunderlazer and mysterious henchmen no match for those!

Oh Thunderlazer motorcycle and fire keep tabs watchout!

Tiny bird on a cactus flower, symbol of what protect.

Tiny desert hare by these boulder, symbol of all that is good.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

He represent by lightning bolt piercing cloud and also laser, on flowing cape worn times to fight and not relent!

THUNDER! LAZER!

Mysterious hideout the end!

Salute To The American Lady.

It's tough growing up in the ghettos of Detroit. Which is why I'm glad I grew up in an upper-middle class neighborhood in New Jersey.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape Nuts

Alexander The Great Expectations

Hey World: You're Welcome!

He's so dumb, when a girl asked him if he had any DVDs, he said "I had herpes once." You moron! You can't rid of herpes! And you can't get rid of some DVDs. Like "Memento". I can't get rid of it. None of my friends want it. Can you blame them? Who wants to watch that more than once? No point in buying the DVD. One of those great films that you never want to watch again.

The CASTAWAY Test! Ask your girlfriend this: "If I disappeared in a plane crash during my job as a Fedex globetrottertrainer type, how long would you wait before you gave up that I was alive and MARRIED CHRIS NOTH???" This question has gotten harder to answer since Noth's Sex and The City days, in which he portrayed Mr. Large.

rosemary smells good

Blade Bond ! Coolest badass ever!

Who Wants To Box A Male Model? (me)

The Five People You Meet In Wal-Mart.

Gun To Your Head BJ Magazine

Toilet Wolves

People bake cakes. Cookies. Cupcakes. Even bread. But who bakes their own crackers?

This is something I've posted before, but I think it somehow got deleted from my site when I futzed around with it recently. Anyway, this is the origin story of Mr. Cash Brulee, blind entertainer extraordinaire:

A lot of people ask me, Cash - how did you lose your eyesight? Go blind? Become enveloped in a world of darkness? Enter the abyss? Come to dwell evermore in shadow? I encounter a lot of very poetic people. Well, this is a story I have always been very reluctant to tell - after all, my blindness is part of my mystique. Why toy with that mystique by revealing the origins of my most noteworthy characteristic? Well, thankfully, the story of how I went blind is pretty fucking amazing.

When I was a little boy, growing up in Baton Moines, Louisyoming, my father and I had a weekly tradition that we called 'Chinese Food and Zoo Sundays'. That has a nice ring to it, right? At any rate, every Sunday, my father would take me to lunch at a Chinese restaurant called 'Whang Family Lucky Dragon Seven Golden Treasures Palace Two', and then we'd go to the Baton Moines Zoo. The original 'Whang Family Lucky Dragon Seven Golden Treasures Palace' had burned down following a freak dumpling explosion. Heh, it was literally wonton destruction.

Now, at the time, my father made his living handcrafting designer shoulder bags for men out of cactii. Like those messenger bags that are so popular, but made of of cactii.They were beautiful, these cactus manbags that he made. Big spiny satchels for men that had been handcrafted out of only the finest, thorniest, spiniest of cactii. A lot of guys liked them because they were slightly painful to wear, and people usually steered clear of you. Plus, if the bag tore the resulting ooze was good for the skin. My Dad had a little cactus manbag boutique called 'The Thorn In Your Side' - it was one of those stores that was on the second floor of a strip mall, right above a travel agency called No Hassle Tours, which was a travel agency dedicated to catering to straight women who wanted to go on all-gay men tours so they wouldn't be hassled. It was a pretty popular travel agency until a competitor popped up who specialized in catering to straight men who wanted to pretend to be gay men so they could go on all gay man tours with the goal of hassling straight women who had chosen to go on all gay man tours so they wouldn't be hassled by straight men. They were called You Know You Want It Tours. And then there was the travel agency called Jesus H Can I Just Have Mai Tai without all This Fucking Sexual Espionage Tours, which specialized in catering to gay men who were tired of straight women and straight men posing as gay men joining their tours. My Dad's shop used to be a comic book shop, and my Dad painted the inflatable spiderman that was hanging out of the window green and glued thumbtacks facing out on it, so it really did kinda look like a cactus.

Dad only sold one or two of these bags a week, so to supplement his income he would sell knives and medical supplies, mostly hypodermic needles, door-to-door. So, he would usually be walking around with a big cactus manbag full of knives and hypodermic needles. Anyway, on the particular, fateful Sunday that I'm talking about, we had just finished lunch, I had had the Chicken with Cashews - and had eaten all of the chicken but none of the cashews and had built a little cashew igloo as kids are wont to do. A cashewgloo. At the end of lunch, I asked my Dad "Dad, can I carry these chopsticks around in my hands for the rest of the day? Just carry one chopstick in each hand - like this - and wave them around willy nilly as we walk around the zoo?" My Dad said, "sure", and we marched off to the Baton Moines zoo, me waving my chopsticks around just willy nilly, weaving in and out between my fathers legs, periodically ducking to avoid my Dad's big spiny cactus manbag full of needles and knives that was swinging at his side.

The Baton Moines Zoo is huge, and there was always some new habitat or exhibit to check out. It was probably best known for the Tiger that lived in the rocky enclosure that had, until a tragic gate malfunction, been the penguin habitat. Before that, it was best known for the same tiger in the swampy enclosure that used to house the flamingos. Basically, this tiger was now living in an enclosure that was four habitats away from where it had originally been housed. Everyone used to place bets as to where the Tiger would migrate to next. The panda exhibit or the petting zoo. At any rate, we got to the big bamboo gate of the Baton Moines zoo that day to see a big sign advertising that day's special exhibit - it said, TODAY ONLY, PORCUPULT EXHIBIT - LIVE PORCUPINES HURLED VIA CATAPULT!- and then a smaller sign under that: OPEN ADMISSION. And then an even smaller sign under that SORRY WE ARE OUT OF GOGGLES.

I perked up and as I ducked beneath my Daddy's cactus manbag I shouted "Daddy please can I go see the Porcupult Exhibit?" And I marched around his legs with my chopsticks, waving them this way and that with little regard whatsoever as to where I was waving them."

My Daddy said, of course not! You may not go see the Porcupult exhibit, an exhibit in which live, terrified porcupines are hurlted at the audience via catapult.

Daddy please! I shouted, and marched around his legs with my chopsticks, my Daddy's knife and needle filled manbag swining this way and that around my head. Please! I want to go see the porcupult exhibit!

Meanwhile in the background, an announcement came over the loudspeaker - "please be on the lookout for the flying face snakes - they've escaped from their tank and they are so named because they can fly and prefer to attack faces."

My Daddy didn't hear the announcement either - he was busy trying to corral me as I ran around his legs with my chopsticks - "No you may not see the porcupult exhibit, an exhibit wherein startled, scared porcupines brimming with defensive quills are loaded into the medieval war device known as a catapult and then hurled at the audience - and do you see the sign, they're out of goggles!"

Daddy Please, I shouted as I dodged his cactus manbag and waved my chopsticks around.

"Repeat, beware the flying face snakes" came over the PA system again.

No, you may not!

Please!

Chopsticks!

"Facesnakes!"

Manbag!

Porcupult!

Please please please!

NO! Finally my Daddy got so mad and frustrated that he hit me upside the head and I went blind.

The End.

"Alright, for the next segment, just sit around and talk about the stupidest shit you can possibly think of."

So, tonight's GTN is being hosted by one of history's great men of science - Ben Franklin (played by Mike Birch). As my contribution to the show, I shot off a few e-mails to Mike containing lots of random gibberish Ben Franklin could potentially say throughout the course of the evening. I don't know how much of it Mike will use, but here are all of my garbled notes in their raw, unedited, un-making-sense glory:

Maybe Franklin invented the Xbox 360, but it was useless because no one knew how to program games yet.

Or maybe he then goes on to explain that he invented "The X Box" for tic-tac-toe. Before that, Tic-Tac-Toe was all Os. Really boring game.

I invented the first ED drug! It was called "Ben Franklin's Stiffening Powder". You inhaled it through your nose. It also made you great at party conversation and an excellent first baseman.

Did you know that Thomas Edison came up with the idea for the lightbulb when he saw ME come up with the idea for flying a kite to harness electricity? He saw the lightbulb over my head and said "hey that gives me an idea!" which in turn made a lightbulb appear over his head. All he had to do then was look in the mirror and build what he saw there. That's why, to this day, all lightbulbs look like they're backwards. True story.

Actually, the first time I flew a kite, I wasn't trying to harness electricity, I was trying to harness love. Beats me.

I invented the mock turtleneck. You're welcome!

Back in my day, inventors were like rock stars. In fact, I invented the electric guitar. But back then we called it a Jew Tamer, because it's loud, harsh sounds kept the Jews at bay.

I invented an apple that has raisins inside of it instead of seeds. Except the raisins taste TERRIBLE, much worse than real raisins. So don't eat them! Eat around them and throw out the core. Well, I guess that defeats the purpose of making the apple seedless. Maybe I can sell it as a gag apple. Nah, I already have a product called the Gag Apple, and that's for something completely different! ZING!

I originally invented bifocals so that my would feet would appear bigger to me when I looked down. Oh sure, I had my hang-ups.

Nowadays no one appreciates knowledge. All you have to do is google something, or check the Wikipedia. Bah! In my day we had the Wickerpedia! It was an enormous book made out of wicker, and every time you turned a page it made a horrible creaking noise! And it only had information about three things: farming techniques, sea otters, and cumin. Yes, the spice cumin. You might know it better as that "taco flavor" you love so much! But in my day there were no tacos! Just this weird-tasting spice that people kept trying to add to oatmeal. Bleah!

I've my share of women. I was the Wilt Chamberlain of my day. I had sex with thousands of women, right through into old age I kept on plowing away. In fact, some of you are probably my descendants. I would have to say my favorite type of woman to make love to were Mexican women. They had that "why'd I put this in my oatmeal" sort of smell that just drove me crazy.

Did you know I invented the glass harmonica? Much more successful than the glass tamborine. Or the glass Gag Apple.

I told a lot of women that I had sex with that I was wearing an invisible propholactic. Of course they trusted me, I was the most famous inventor of the day! I also told them not to worry if they got pregnant, because my sperm were only capable of producing baskets of delicious chocolates. Needless to say, many a former lover was disappointed when they gave birth to a child, and not a basket of chocolates. Yes, I only made love to extremely stupid women.

Hey don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with black people. You know what, I just realized I never said anything to make you think I had a problem with black people in the first place. Okay, forget I said anything!

One of my favorite things about this era is going to the movies. Back in my day, we just watched shadow puppet shows. Just people using their hands to tell stories with shadows on the wall. My favorite show was Eagle vs. Horse. It was much better than Hawk vs. Mule or Falcon vs. Donkey. In Eagle vs. Horse, you really cared about the characters. Well, mostly the Horse. That Eagle was a real asshole.

Knock knock! (who's there)
Ben Franklin! (Ben Franklin Who)
Don't be a prick, you know who Ben Franklin is! (to audience member) HIGH FIVE! YEAH!

I want to star in my own tv show, where I play a private eye who solves crimes...WITH LIGHTNING! The finale of every episode will involve me trying to convince the bad guy to fly a kite in a storm. My sidekick will be a Native American Shaman who can conjure up storms. We'll ride together in one of those motorcycles with the little sidecar. We shall call ourselves Franklin and...um...Dances With Franklin. Thursdays at 10pm on CBS. I've given this a lot of thought. Dances With Franklin will be played by Sam Rockwell. I love that guy. I'll play myself, of course.

What's up with the Charleston Chew? Have you guys ever tried to eat one of those? It's like chocolate-covered rubber! Man, I can't stand those Charleston Chews.

(this is for later in the show, after Ben has maybe had a drink or six)

Whatever happened to Margaret Cho? I liked her. She didn't base her whole act on the fact that she was ugly. I always thought she should have married Tommy Chong. Then she'd be Margaret Cho-Chong. CHO CHONG! It's the sounds of making a lot of money underwater. Like cha-ching but. Underwater. Hey I just sold a Picasso to a flounder. Cho Chong! Ha! Who's with me? Oh man I am wasted.

Too many movies today depend on twist endings. Fuckin' Fight Club. I go to a movie now, I instantly assume that the main character and his best friend are the same guy. THEY'RE THE SAME GUY! I'll yell at the screen, THEY'RE JUST DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE SAME PSYCHE!!! BEN FRANKLIN! (to audience member) High five! I rented Tango and Cash the other day and it fucking blew my mind. They were two different guys. The whole time, it turns out they were just two different guys. Whew. Blew my fucking mind. HIGH FIVE!

One time I fucked a...I fucked a...um...nah, I won't tell that story.

I invented a lot of shit. Did you guys know I invented blowing across the top of a beer bottle to make a whistling noise? That was me, I invented that. You know that Hooooooo noise? When you...when you blow across the top of a bottle of beer? Nah not you people. You fucking people do the (makes high pitched whining noise) thing with your finger on the rim of the crystal wine glass. You're too hoity toity and cool for (makes beer bottle noise again) because you're too busy (makes high pitched wine glass noise again). Fuckin'...fuckin'....THEY'RE THE SAME GUY! I would yell. But nope, two different guys. Tango. Cop on the edge. Cash. Cop on the...a different edge. Two. Different. Fucking. Guys. BLEW MY MIND!

This one time, I pooped in a...I um...I took a big dump right...in...nah, I won't tell that story.

Pineapple! On pizza! I invented that! Who invented that? Ben Franklin! HIGH FIVE!

(singing) Come and knock on our dooooor. We've been waiting for youuuuuuu. (mumbling) Same guy. Jack. Janet. Chrissy? All different parts of the same psyche. Fuckin' Fight Club.

Urinetown. Did you guys know that that's a play on words? Original title of that show? Piss Village.

You ever not take a shower for like, three days in a row, just because you're too busy, right? Because you're too busy living and partying and FUCKing and you're just too busy, right? And then one afternoon you're sitting at your desk and and you're sitting there and you start to smell something and you're like "what's that smell?" and then you REALIZE MAN, you realize it's YOUR OWN ASS! You can smell you're own ass because you haven't washed that fucker in three days! Fuckin...fuckin Tango and Cash, man.

I invented a lot of fucking shit. Commercials where...where the guys are more into beer than into the hot chicks? When...when like, the hot chick who's come home with the guy so she can like, because she wants to FUCK the guy right because they're both drunk and they met at a club and whatever he talked a good game she's coming HOME with him, right? And she tries to open the fridge full of beer and like, a robot boxing glove like, punches her in the fucking face and she like, she fucking DIES because the guy loves his beer so much? I invented that...genre of commercials. I'm not proud of it.

I discovered a second crack. In the butt. Once. The butt doesn't have just one crack, there's a second one. It's almost impossible to find. I only found it once. I've spent so many nights trying to find it again. So many angry lovers. WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?!?!? They'd shout. But I am a man of science.

I invented the Chimichanga. Except when I first invented it, it wasn't fried, it was boiled. And it wasn't dough wrapped around meat and cheese, it was just an egg. A single, boiled, egg. I named her chimichanga.

I WILL POOP WHERE I WANT.

(to audience member) Hey what do you do for a living? (shouting over their response) BEN FRANKLIN!

Okay let's take it down. Let's...let's take it down now. I just want to say something. Something to the ladies in the audience...I am a man...who is not afraid...to put his handsome face...in ugly places. There you go. I'm just putting that on the table. Just putting my cards on the sex table. Sex cards. On the sex table. I don't need to go fish, I like my cards. I've got a good hand of sex cards. This face. Wherever you want it ladies. I'll bring a lamp.

I have a poster in my inventing studio, an inspirational poster if you will. It's a cat, dangling from a branch, and it says HANG IN THERE underneath the cat. But I've drawn a massive penis on the cat. The cat is massively endowed. Ha! I used a magic marker. And I crossed out the A and wrote in a U so it says HUNG IN THERE. And even now, just...just thinking about it I am inspired.

My ears are beer taps. Here we see one of the many Brooklyn Brewery employees that regularly stop by my apartment to fill bottles...WITH THE BEER IN MY HEAD. As you can see, I've grown so used to it, I simply lounge about in my ratty bathrobe while the brewery employees go about their business. In this particular photo, I am watching C.S.I.

When you can't stop playing with a kaleidascope for 4 or more hours.

Or when your dick separates light into its red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet wavelengths.

Like many, I am absolutely outraged by the Republicans' persistent harping on Kerry's one little misquote from his recent speech:

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."

ESPECIALLY when that very same speech was positively brimming with many more outrageous, sick and twisted quotes:

"If I get into a cab - I get into that cab and see the driver is an Asian, one of those Asians I hop right out of that cab faster than you can say ching a ching chang."

"A woman's vagina, that's what I call the Devil's mouth. Because all it can do is lie to you. Watch out for the Devil's Mouth, gentlemen."

"If we take the homeless, and I'm just thinking out loud here, if we take the homeless and get them off the street we could, we could round them up and make three things out of them: catfood, landfill, and umbrellas. Again, just off the top of my head. I would use an umbrella made out of a homeless person. They have that thick, leathery hide."

"The best way, without a doubt, to do cocaine is to inject it right into your motherfucking dick. Hoo ha talk about a boner. It's like your dick is made of flaming marble. Like a giant, solid statue that is on fire. It's like the entire Burning Man Festival in your, in your crotch. Just off the top of my head here."

"If I see something laying around her bedroom, yeah I'll stick in there when she's not looking. I'll stick it right in there, I don't care what it is. Bitch should know better."

"I dropped a penny off the top of the Empire State Building once, it cleaved a little boy in half. Pffffft right through him, like, like someone just unzipped him. Like he was held together in the middle by a zipper that someone just bzzzzt unzipped. And damn from way up on the observation deck it looked like a red flower had just bloomed on the pavement below. A beautiful crimson flower. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that little boy I killed, and how awesome it looked."