LAW AND ORDER: SPECIAL URINAL INTRIGUE UNIT SCENE INVESTIGATION UNIT!!!

Seriously.

So here's what happened: approximately 2 days ago (give or take 3 days - it may have been today or tomorrow, I'm bad with dates) I was in the Men's Room at work. End of story!

Wait. Nope. I forgot some details:

I had just entered the bathroom and had just sidled up to a urinal, and had just begun fumbling for my zipper (I have clumsy ham man hands), when another gentleman BURST out of one of the stalls! And...sidled up to a urinal.

WTF?

Yep. This guy emerged with much vigor from a stall that had been closed when I entered the restroom, and went to a urinal. Now, this was a men's room at an investment bank, not a night club or hotel lobby, so I quickly dismissed the notion that this guy had any rendezvous-type intentions on his mind. Plus, he didn't go to the urinal next to me, but to a urinal at the other end of the bathroom. And he really seemed like he was in a hurry. Like holy shit he HAD to go. But, wasn't he just in a stall? There's a toilet in there, right? If he was so desperate to go, why not just use that? I mean. What. Discuss.

Read all about it!

Apparently this comedy "scene" I'm a part of is worthy of being covered by The New York Times!

Do you like pain AND do you seek out situations in which you can tell people "I told you so" and/or "How DARE YOU?!?!"

Well then Wig-Cuts by Sparkles is the hairstyling salon for you. Hi there. I'm Sparkles, head Wigmancer at Wig-Cuts by Sparkles. Let me cut through the clutter. Here's what we do: WE STYLE YOUR NATURAL HAIR SO THAT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WEARING A WIG. Boom. I said it. How's that sit with you? If your gut reaction was "Holy shit yes!" then I've got a feeling you're the type of person I was addressing in the Title field of this post. If not, may I suggest you read elsewhere? Because the rest of this post is about one thing and one thing only: A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE WHO LIKE PAIN AND FREQUENTLY SEEK OUT SITUATIONS IN WHICH THEY CAN TELL PEOPLE "I TOLD YOU SO" AND/OR "HOW DARE YOU" CAN GO TO GET THEIR NATURAL HAIR STYLED SO THAT IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE WEARING A WIG. Wig-Cuts by Sparkles. Take it from me, Sparkles, head Wigmancer of Wig-Cuts by Sparkles, there's nothing quite so satisfying as someone accusing you of wearing a wig, and then forcibly attempting to remove that wig, only to realize that they're tugging at your natural hair. From that point on, a door has been opened. A door that leads to a place where you have a reason to express indignance. A door to a place where you have an excuse to throw a punch or five. A door labeled "I told you it wasn't a wig, asshole!" And Wig-Cuts by Sparkles is the place to buy the key that opens the door that leads to that place where you are fighting because of a misunderstanding about whether or not you are wearing a wig (you are not - it's your real hair that we've styled to look like a wig). Here's a short scene I wrote for my Gotham Writers Workshop sketch writing class. You're damn right I write scenes about wigs:

FRED
Why are you wearing a wig?

TONY
I'm not.

FRED
Sure you are. That's clearly a wig you're wearing.

TONY
It's not a wig, and I'm insulted that you think it is.

FRED
Give me a break. It's a wig.

TONY
No it isn't.

FRED
Come here.

TONY
No!

FRED
Well fine then, if you won't let me touch it it's because it's a wig.

TONY
It's not a fucking wig! Leave me alone!

FRED
It's a wig!

TONY
No!

FRED
Wig.

TONY
Fuck you.

FRED
It's a fucking wig man, stop pretending to be pissed off at me.

TONY
I'm not pretending! You're giving me ample reason to be mad!

FRED
It's so obviously a - come here -

TONY
No man, back off, you fucking freak it's not a wig.

(pause)

FRED
Take off the wig.

TONY
I'm not taking it off because it's not a wig you douche.

FRED
Hey have you checked out that new site, brasondogs.com?

TONY
No, what's that?

FRED
It's a website dedicated to posting photographs of dogs in bras.

TONY
Heh, sounds funny.

FRED
I'm going to grab that fucking wig.

TONY
You know what? You've got a -

FRED
Give it!

(a tussle ensues as Fred tries to pull the "wig" off Tony's head)

TONY
Ow ow ow ow fuck!

FRED
Holy shit.

TONY
I told you it wasn't a fucking wig! Fuck!

(Tony tackles Fred and a fight ensues) and scene

At Wig-Cuts by Sparkles, we can make scenes like this a regular part of your everyday life. You like pain? You like to be right? You like fighting? Style your hair so it looks like you're wearing a wig. Here are some testimonials:

"As good as Canon's $60 battery for one-third the price! I have purchased two of these for when I have more shooting to do, and they work great. I haven't measured the number of shots I can get between this and the Canon battery, but they seem equivalent in how long they last."

"Never worked well then broke! We bought this from somewhere other than Amazon without the benefit of seeing these reviews beforehand. From now on, I'll check here first! I am so frustrated with this toy that I wanted to come here and leave a review to warn other parents that this toy is not worth the money. It's only 15 bucks, but I would recommend spending that 15 dollars elsewhere. This toy has little cups that you pour water into. When you do, it completes a circuit and plays music through a little speaker. As long as there is water flowing through one of the cups, the music continues. It has a "soft - off - loud" switch for the music, though the "soft" setting is kind of weird -- it sounds more like it plays just the bass track of the loud music rather than turns the volume down. You hook the toy to your bathroom wall with suction cups. That's how it is supposed to work, anyway. Ours never worked well. It was intermittent right from the start. I would pour water in it and sometimes it would play, sometimes not. Turning it off and on again a few times usually would kick start it into working. After a few minutes, though, it might cut out again. But I could usually get it restarted. We used to just leave the switch in the "on" position until one time when it started playing music randomly in the middle of the night (no water in it, of course). After that, we always turned it off when not in use. After a week or two, it stopped working all together. I changed the batteries and it seemed to work about the same as it did when it was new (i.e., not all that great). Then after another week, it stopped working again and I could not get it started. I didn't think the batteries could possibly be dead again, but I pulled it off the wall to check... and one of the suction cups broke. It's going in the trash now. On the plus side, our son loved it when it worked. As a one-year old, he's pretty easy to please. He thought the music was a fun surprise. But it was frustrating for both of us that this music "reward" sometimes wouldn't come even when he correctly poured the water in. I would not recommend this toy. A nice idea, but very low quality manufacturing. Avoid it."

"The simple truth is that Johnny Cash could read the phone book and make it compelling. At times this set sounds like a deathbed recitation rather than a collection of songs, but the man's aura and mystique carry the day. Atop Rick Rubin's spare arrangements, Cash makes every song he interprets his own."

Yes I copied those testimonials directly from Amazon.com about three unrelated products - because I know that if you're the type of person we cater to at Wig-Cuts by Sparkles, YOU DON'T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK! Fuckin' come on in to my salon and let me style your hair so that it looks like you're wearing a wig but you won't be it'll still be your natural hair. C'mon. Let me, Sparkles, head Wigmancer at Wig-Cuts by Sparkles, be the one who puts that chip on your shoulder. Wait till they get a load of your hair and then challenge the nature of that hair and then it leads to a fight. You'll thank me. Sparkles.

Sincerely,
Sparkles
Head Wigmancer, Wig-Cuts by Sparkles

Circle the date buy tickets make dinner reservations beforehand and come out drinking afterwards!

Come to this show!

Funtip #189

Hi kids. Here's another Funtip!

If you take the second half of any word or phrase, add -ing, and then follow THAT with "the" plus the first word of the phrase followed by "TONIGHT!" you can spice up any conversation!

For example, let's say someone says the following to you:

DUDE
Hey. Do you want to come over and watch the movie 'Moonraker' on DVD?

You could say:

YOU
Okay, sounds fun.

OR you could utilize my Funtip and sing, in a melody of your own choosing:

YOU
Moon-raker! Raking the moon TO-NIGHT!

Trust me, you'll be doing it all the time once you get the hang of it. Here are some more examples:

Freshmaker = "Making the fresh tonight!"
Subway = "Waying the sub tonight!"
du Bouchet = "Boucheting the du tonight!"
Montana = "Tanning the Mon tonight!"
Lederhosen = "Hosing the leder tonight!"
Shishkabob = "Kabobbing the shish tonight!"

Can you think of your own examples?

1-800-AIR-STRI (leave off the last KE for anagramic reasons of your own choosing! May we recommend Kill and Eliminate? Ooh. KILLIMINATE. neat.)

Hello? Yes, I'd like to place an order for an airstrike. Yes. North America. New Jersey. East...what? Yes, I am a subscriber. Oh sure. 413289. And my password is 'smite'. I am? Oh that's fantastic, I had no idea I'd accumulated that many frequent airstrike points. Well absolutely then, let's make this one a doozy. Okay yes, East Brunswick, New Jersey. East Brunswick High School. Preferably on a Saturday or Sunday, or failing that, after school during football practice. Okay you know what? Now that I hear myself saying it, I realize that that's the option I'd like to stick with, let's do it on a weekday afternoon during football pra...wait. You know what? Can I put you on hold for just one second? Thanks.

(song playing) We're leaving together,
But still it's farewell
And maybe we'll come back,
To earth, who can tell?
I guess there is no one to blame
We're leaving ground
Will things ever be the same again?

It's the final countdown...

Okay I'm back. I'd like to - what? Yeah, my cell phone has hold music. Cool, huh? What? Really, by Europe? Neat coincidence! (lots of laughter) Whew. Okay, I've made a decision - let's do it on a Saturday evening during a football game. Oh yeah, this feels right. I don't care who the opponent is. Great. And I'll get a text message right before launch? Terrific. Ooh wait before you go, the last time I ordered an airstrike from you guys, there was some question as to me being indicted for murder. Can we avoid that this time? Okay thanks.

"sound of an explosion"

I was watching the first episode of '24' this past Sunday evening at a bar where they had the sound up AND the closed-captioning active. It was odd. Not just because I found myself reading more than listening, but because I started to feel like I was watching tv with a sarcastic friend:

(I would imagine it'll be funnier to hear me say this on stage, but just imagine me using quote fingers and saying the following phrases in a bored, Williamsburgian hipster voice)

"suspenseful music continues"
"gunshot"
"laughter"
"more laughter"
"screeching tires"

etc. Ohmanthisisgonnabehilarious.

"You sound like a fart with asthma."

I would like to hear Simon say that on an upcoming 'American Idol'.

Chancellor Sex Bouchet

I've given myself a new nickname. Close second:

Captain ManMan, Overlord of the TestosterZONE

And now back to 'Giving The Finger Hospital'

Lisa lies in a hospital bed, looking pale and sweaty. She is conscious, and doing her best to smile as Doctor Drayer enters, examining her chart on a clipboard. She is also giving the finger to the camera. So is the doctor.

DOCTOR
Good morning Lisa!

LISA
Good morning.

DOCTOR
Sleep okay?

LISA
Okay. Better than last night.

DOCTOR
Good. Good. Listen, Lisa. We got the most recent test results back. The news hasn't gotten any better.

LISA
Figures. (she begins to tear-up) It figures. Oh whatever, that's fine. (she's crying now).

DOCTOR
I'm sorry.

THE END

(they were both giving the finger to the camera the whole time)

"We'll be right back with some fucking decoupage tips, you taint-basters."

So, Howard Stern has moved to Sirius radio, where he can curse up a storm with no FCC regulations to hold him back. I was listening to some of the other programs on Sirius, and it seems to me people are going overboard in embracing their new-found verbal freedom - cursing just because they can.

---

"Welcome back to the Book Nook, we’re here with Kurt Fucking Vonnegut. Kurt, it's balls to have you here, you magnificently talented asshole."

---

"Welcome back to cooking with Emeril. We’re going to kick it up a notch...

Fuuuck! (sizzling noises)

Shiiiit! (pan clattering)

Cock! (more sizzling)

---

"Welcome back to sports talk. The Mets have made a lot of improvements, and I fucked a midget once. He's here in the studio, and I'm going to fuck him again while I ask David Wright what we can expect from the Amazin's in 2006!"

"Yes, I'd like a (waggling eyebrows) venti capuccino with extra foam, whip and um...light ball jostling."

So, I got a Starbucks gift card for Christmas, with 100 dollars on it. Guess how long it took me to spend it? Just one visit to Starbucks! I used it to pay for a blowjob. Listen, those barristas are qualified to do more than just make drinks - you just have to broach the subject appropriately.

It was weird, when she went to work she was all hilarious steamer noises here. No just kidding.

No, she was all "Charnelle we (slurp) outta napkins will you (slurp) get some napkins and (slurp) refill the muffin hamper."

HAHA!

Actually, and now I'm being honest, it only took me two weeks to spend a hundred bucks at Starbucks. I must have an addiction – to not being made eye contact with!

Muffin hamper.

You can imagine how disappointed I was to see 'Munich'.

A movie theater near my apartment is missing an 'I' from its marquee.

Worst idea for a new kid's show:

'Crash Babies'!

Capitalizing on the critically acclaimed film 'Crash', 'Crash Babies' is an animated show that features baby versions of the characters from the film getting into kooky (and racially charged) situations!

Congrats to BUCK DOLLARWORTH!

Winner of 2005's Richest Name In The World Contest!

Welcome to Love Handles: A DisappointMen Exotic Dance Venue!

Every Wednesday night it's "just got out of the pool night!"

Malaise-o-naise

The "eh" condiment!

'The Droopening!'

Your girlfriend or wife's mother is like a movie preview for what you can expect later.

Proof.

that I really do "save it for the stage". Listen to this podcast for irrefutable proof that I am one boring S.O.B. when I'm not actually performing.

This is my droid, Y2bagsO.

Worst post title ever.

Anyway, I just bought a caramel macchiato and two (2) rainbow (M&M) cookies from Starbucks. As I gathered my caffeine and confection fix for the day from the counter and made for the door, I noticed that they had put each cookie in a separate paper bag.

"How odd," I thought, "this ticket stub in my pocket is for 'Brokeback Mountain', but I don't recall ever seeing it."

Then I thought, "How odd, they bagged the cookies individually, and seriously, why would there be a ticket stub for a movie I've never seen in my jacket pocket? This Wednesday...where was I this Wednesday? Did I go to the movies? Uh oh, I'm losing it."

Then it came to me. They put the cookies in two separate bags because the assumption, when confronted with a two-cookie order, is that the cookies are for two different people. No single person would order TWO cookies, as one cookie is obviously enough to sate even the sweet-toothiest sweet tooth. HA! Not true. I eat like this all the time, and I've only gained 40 pounds over the past 5 years. Wait a second. It's all starting to make sense! I lent my jacket to Heath Ledger on Wednesday. That guy. Loves to watch himself on the big screen.

No but really, my eating habits need to change. I'm not obese, to be sure, but my frame was not made to lug 240 pounds (of chocolate!) around. More like 200. So that's why one of my New Year's Resolutions this year is to WEAR HELIUM SHOULDER PADS!!! You'vebeengreatgoodnight!

Bastards in cahoots.

Dealing with a bastard can be a royal pain in the ass. Two bastards? Twice as tough, but still dealable. Unless those bastards are on the same page. That's right, God help you if those bastards are in cahoots.

HUSTLER brand bagels!

Mmm. HUSTLER brand bagels. Fresh, hot, chewy and delicious. Slice them down the middle and savor the hint-of-garlic-scented steam that rises off our HUSTLER brand premium dough. Pick your favorite HUSTLER brand spread: sundried tomato tofu spread, chive cream cheese, or lox whip. Heck, or just use a pat of our rich creamery butter, crafted in the old-fashioned dairy tradition of HUSTLER on HUSTLER farms. Buy HUSTLER bagels by the dozen, or just pop on in to your local HUSTLER Breakfast Nook for a nosh! HUSTLER brand bagels. Indulge your tastebuds!

CORRECTION

My mistake. One victim of the 2004 Tsunami was found alive. The other 274,999 are still dead. My bad! Sorry about that. One miracle. Okay then. Um. Have a good one.

274,999 Miracles!!!

274,999 of the 275,000 victims of the 2004 Tsunami have been found alive! ALIVE! Oh it's a miracle! 274,999 miracles! Only one casualty, wow. I am stunned and shocked and ecstatic!

Karl Management's New Year's Resolutions for 2006!

This was in GTN last night.

(on cell phone) I know, that’s what I told them – I said guys, I gotta let you go, no one wants to see your act. I don’t care how many balloons you can keep aloft at once, nobody wants to see juggling that slow! That’s the last time they’ll open for you guys, I swear. Hey, listen to this, I booked you to perform at the opening of the new Refurbished Pickle Emporium in Tarrytown. What? Refurbished pickles. It’s all the rage...no. NO, they are not USED pickles, USED pickles would be...well...poop, right? Poop. These are refurbished pickles – certified pre-owned pickles. You know, maybe they were jostled a little, but never eaten, you know, served in a bowl at a deli maybe, and you know, toyed with but not eaten. This place refurbishes and resells them. What? You’re too big for that? Listen, I don’t know how to break it to you, but your last album was a big step down, a big step down! I’m trying to get you some credibility back by booking you at a refurbished pick - don’t you yell at me! Okay. That’s what I thought. I’ll see you there. Wear something you don’t mind smelling briney. Goodbye THE BAND COLDPLAY!

(to audience) Hi kids! My name’s Karl Management, I own my own talent agency, Management Talent Management. If you’ve got talent to manage, let Management Talent Management manage your talent. If not, I’m sure you’ll manage! Anyway, as you guessed, Francisco Guglioni himself is one of my clients, and he asked me to come to the show tonight and share some of my wisdom with you for the new year. I do a terrible Francisco impression, but let me try – he said (in an exaggerated Francisco voice) “Will you come and tell my audience your new years resolutions?” When he asked me if I was available, I told him – AM I AVAILABLE? WE’RE PLAYED BY THE SAME ACTOR! Count me in and get your hand off my penis! So here I am, and tonight, it is my pleasure to kick off 2006 with my New Years Resolutions!

Okay.

1. To lose 100 pounds. Since I’m only 40 pounds overweight, that means I can gain 60 more pounds first! Meet me at the bar for some brews!

2. Learn to play the scitar. Every jackass knows how to play a guitar. When I bring a woman home after that fateful third date, I wanna be able to say “Hey, let me play you a few tunes on my scitar.” Newnewnew newnewneeeew weee ooooo. I’ll transport her to a magical land of spices and tigers. And those special condoms I need to order from Japan!

3. Throw out the Christmas tree. I know it sounds simple, but I’m talking about my Christmas tree from 2002. It’s got two families of chipmunks living in it now, and they are at war! Caught in the crossfire! Squeaking bastards.

4. Finally write my own screenplay. After years of representing other schtups, it’s about time I let my own creativity bloom! I have the perfect story idea. A guy inherits a farm from his dead great-great-uncle. Except it’s a haunted farm! We’re talking ghost cows, ghost horses, ghost incest. I’m gonna call it 'Cocka-Doodle-Boo!'

5. Solve a murder. Yes. In 2006, I would like to find myself in a position wherein for some reason the police are not available, perhaps at some remote mountain location, and I, Karl Management, am forced to solve a murder! Aha, Mr. du Bouchet, you just said “I have no idea where the letter opener came from,” but I never mentioned that a letter opener was found at the scene!” Wa wa wa wa POW wa wa…it’s the CSI theme. That Who song. That's what I'm...Anyway, I would very much need the murderer to make a stupid slip-up such as that, in the Encyclopedia Brown veign. He was always solving crimes because the thief did something stupid – “Perhaps you should have thought twice before wearing the sweater that was taken off of the murder victim seconds after his death, Mr. du Bouchet”!

6. Make love to a model. Preferably a model that’s been built-to-scale! OH! Oof, the Millenium Falcon is so tight and plasticy! My dick is getting all scratched up because I’m fucking a model of the Millenium Falcon! Oh! Chewie, bite it, it's destroying the bay doors. The worm. It's. Okay that one I should've kept to myself.

7. Cancel my Pizza Hut credit card. No one accepts it! Not even Pizza Hut! I’m beginning to suspect that there really isn’t a special “One Time Only Fellate A Stranger In A Bathroom Stall At The Port Authority Pizza Hut Credit Card Offer”!

9. Finish my lego scale model of season two of the West Wing. The whole second season! Every scene! In legos! It’s complicated. Boy, is it hard to use legos to capture the drama of people arguing while they walk down a hallway. The lego people have that permanent grin. Like the permanent half-grin my grandmother had when she had a stroke right after winning Plinko on the Price is Right. Talk about the sound of one hand clapping! Now she talks like Katie Holmes. Celebrity stroke joke!

10. Finish reading the Harry Potter series of books.








AND HERE IS SOME EXTRA SPACE SO THE BOTTOM OF MY BLOG IS EVENISH! happy new year.