"Diehard in a cowboy!"

That's how Brokeback Mountain was initially pitched to studio executives.

Cheap Seats

Hey, check out the bit I did for ESPN Classic's 'Cheap Seats':

I'm the 5th one down.

COME TO THIS SHOW

Come to this show and tell people to come to this show and then when you come to this show laugh your asses off and then later shoot me an e-mail telling me how happy you are that you came to this show and yeah:

Andres du Bouchet presents...

Andres du Bouchet

in

PRESENTING: ANDRES DU BOUCHET!
(a good old fashioned showcase of great comedic writing and acting)

written and directed by Andres du Bouchet

starring Andres du Bouchet (and several of his talented friends)

ONE NIGHT ONLY: Wednesday, March 1st @ 8pm!

The Kraine Theater
85 East 4th St. (bet. 2nd & 3rd Aves.)
take the F or V to Second Avenue
tickets only $5

reserve tickets at smarttix.com

or by calling 212-868-4444

So here's the deal. I rented out a real theater to put up a collection of some of my favorite things that I've written - a whopper of a show (this ain't some 45 minute "look isn't my impression of my 4th grade teacher cute and here's what a homeless dude taught me about life and boo anti-good people" showcase, this is the real deal, like going to a play but it's funny and unlike a play the scenes have nothing to do with one another and there are pirates in a hot air balloon) featuring both monologues and sketches, including some brand new stuff that I'll actually be debuting in this show. That's balls. This is going to be an incredibly fun and silly evening.

Featuring: Mr. Awesomeness, Mike Birch, Ann Carr, Mark Douglas, Jonny Fido, Rob Gorden, Francisco Guglioni, Eric Kirchberger, Karl Management, Bryan Olsen, Michael Reisman, Nigel Simonson, Rusty Ward, and Boutique Wilson.

Okay, okay, okay - stop bugging me, here it is: a list of all the President's names with the "oo" sound replacing the original vowel sounds.

1 joooorj Wooshoongtoon
2 Joon Oodooms
3 Thoomoos Jooffoorsoon
4 Jooms Moodoosoon
5 Jooms Moonroooo
6 Joon Qooooncoo Oodooms
7 Oondroo Jooksoon
8 Moortoon Voon Booroon
9 Woolloooom Hoonroo Hoorroosoon
10 Joohn Tooloor
11 Jooms Koo Poolk
12 Zoochooroo Tooooloor
13 Moolloord Foollmoor
14 Froonkloon Poooorc
15 Jooms Boochoonoon
16 Oobroohoom Looncooln
17 Oondroow Joonsoon
18 Ooloossoos Oos Groont
19 Roothoorfoord Boo Hoooooos
20 Jooms Goorfoooold
21 Choostoor Oo OOrthoor
22 Groovoor Cloovloond
23 Boonjoomoon Hoorroosoon
24 Groovoor Cloovloond
25 Woolloooom MooKoonlooo
26 Thoo’oodoor Roooosoovoolt
27 Woolloooom Hoowoord Tooft
28 Woooodroo Woolsoon
29 Woorroon Joo Hoordoong
30 Coolvoon Coolooj
31 Hoorboort Hoooovoor
32 Froonkloon Dooloonoo Roooosoovoolt
33 Hoorroo Oos Troomoon
34 Dwooght Doovood Ooosoonhoowoor
35 Joohn Footzjooroold Koonnoodoo
36 Loondoon Boo Joonsoon
37 Roochoord Moolhoooos Nooxoon
38 jooroold Foord Joonyoor
39 Joomoo Coortoor
40 Roonoold Roooogoon
41 joooorj Hoorboort Wookoor Boosh
42 Bool Cloontoon
43 joooorj doobloo Boosh

"help" + "he's getting away"

So, apparently this guy murdered his wife and baby and then fled to England, and one of the major pieces of evidence pointing towards him as the main suspect is the fact that, in the days before the murder, he performed an internet search on his home computer for the phrase "how to kill". Now, in this day and age most computer savvy people realize that their home computers contain nearly permanent records of what they view on-line. Therefore, if I ever find myself in the position of wanting to murder my wife and baby (which I'm 80% sure will never happen), here's what I'll google the day I do the deed:

"how to cook" + "for" + "my lovely wife"
"how to sing" + "lullabies" + "for" + "my baby" + "I sure do love my baby"
"who's that" + "at" + "the window?!?!"
"oh" + "no" + "an intruder!"
"how to defend" + "my wife and baby" + "from" + "a five foot ten black male in a hooded sweatshirt"
"Oh God no" + "Noooo"
"British Airways"

10 Jokes

I'm pretty sure all of the following material can be found elsewhere on this blog if you look hard enough, but for the sake of having SOMETHING to post today, here's the stand-up set I'm going to do tonight at that 'Clip Joint' show for Comedy Central. We'll see. I don't consider myself much of a joke writer - more of a sketch writer and monologist (and monolinguist - I only speak one language (guess which one!)), but the constraints of doing a relatively clean piece that is under 7 minutes long and is also chop-uppable into 3 minute chunks...well, none of my monologues qualify. They're all either too profane or too long and involved, and editing would render them indecipherable. So, here ya go:

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is Andres du Bouchet, and tonight I’ve prepared 10 jokes for your amusement, 9 of which I wrote, and one of which is a two-part joke that was written by robots. Enjoy.

JOKE #1
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? Superlawyeraquaconference.

JOKE #2
What do you call a leprechaun that will sleep with you for 50 bucks? A hooker. That leprechaun is a hooker.

JOKE #3
What did one flamingo on the Synchronized Flamingo Masturbation Team say to the other flamingo on the Synchronized Flamingo Masturbation Team following an argument about their routine? “Listen. I just think we got off on the wrong foot.”

JOKE #4
What did the 500 foot tall lawyer say 3 days after eating an entire T.G.I. Friday’s restaurant? “Whew, I finally passed the bar!”

JOKE #5
Knock knock. (Who's there?) Richard. (Richard who?) Yes, Richard Hu from the Equities Research Department! He’s Asian, his last name is spelled H-U.

JOKE #6
Federal courts recently ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance can no longer be recited in public schools due to references to God. Similarly, I have told my girlfriend that she is no longer allowed to talk during sex due to references to Gary.

JOKE #7
Speaking of my girlfriend, why does she bleed once a month? I’ll tell you why - because once a month she cooks a lousy dinner! (backhand slap motion) I’m kidding, I’m kidding! It’s because she’s full of razor-sharp lies.

JOKE #8
And now, two jokes written by robots. This is the two part joke I mentioned earlier.
First joke written by a robot: How many lightbulbs? Four. Four lightbulbs.
And here's the second joke written by a robot: Your mother is so fat... (how fat is she?) Your mother is so fat, we are unable to assist her.

JOKE #9
I don’t think Israel and Palestine will ever reach a lasting peace until both sides sit down, face each other, and finally accept...Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour.

JOKE #10
Knock knock. (who's there?) Doctor. (doctor who?) Doctor Who, what are you guys, a bunch of nerds?


Good night I’ve been great!

brasondogs.com

Okay, I now own the domain brasondogs.com. I felt like dudesgalore.com had lost its appeal, so I let that one expire. Now it's all about dogs wearing bras. SO - please send me jpegs of your dog in a bra so I can start building this thing. I'm serious. A website devoted to photos of dogs in bras. Thanks.

Super Bowl XL Prediction!

4

Yep, that's my prediction. 4.

You don't like it? Well, no one said you had to seek out MY opinion. My expert opinion.

Tonight's weather? Partly.