Stay tuned...

...this site is currently undergoing a major renovation. At some point this summer, it will look like THIS. Take a gander. Most of the links don't work yet, but that's the general idea.

Love,
Andres

Please don't call me "The weird guy at the office."

I prefer the title "The bored of you guy at the office."

Time Out New York

If you're here because of the little blurb about my tiger video in TONY this week, you can look at it

Here.

Or here.

$200 FLAT RATE!

Two hundred dollar flat rate. You like talking dirty? You like taking your time? No more worries. Two hundred dollar flat rate. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS for all the nasty smut talk you want. No more minute counting. You tired of watching the clock while you're whacking your cock? 200 DOLLAR FLAT RATE. Boom. You know what it's going to cost up front. Boom. You know you can take your time. Blam. It's all in your hand now you're in charge smutty smutty slap slap whappity en how hi there you're the guy who's 200 dollars poorer but WHAT PRICE CAN YOU PUT ON PEACE OF MIND???

$200

That's what price. Zoom. You're the dude. Hi there. LONG PAUSE sure why not you got all the time in the world be dramatic. Take a long pause. Who answered? Charlene? Slam. She's a pro there ya go read her the fucking phone book for all we care take your sweet juicy time because you will never pay more than. Two hundred smackeroos.

Smackeroos is slang for dollars.

And it's a cracker snack sold in Australia. But in this case we mean DOLLARS.

You got a cell phone? You pay more per month to avoid paying MORE per month, right? As in "I pay 70 bucks a month for the extra minutes because if I sign up for the 40 bucks a month plan fuck it you know it I'll blow it and end up paying...

TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS."

Cram. Same deal here. Read Kyana the fucking Iliad for all we care. You got the time. She needs the education.

200 bucks. Flat rate (FLATE RATE!).

Sure, you MIGHT only spend 16 dollars at one of those $5.99 for the first minute $1.99 for every minute thereafter places but a) that means you came in 6 minutes, and b)you weren't enjoying yourself - every whappity whap sounded like the cold clatter of coinage to you my friend. You RUSHED the GUSH. 6 fucking minutes to save some dough. You'll get the carpel tunnel.

So.

TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS FLAT - sit back, unzip, dial, smile, and take your time my friend.

Hi, I'm Farrah. I'm wearing eighteen raincoats and a chastity belt the key to which is locked in a golden chest in the middle of a hedge maze guarded by were-griffins. Don't worry. I'll talk you through it. WE'VE GOT ALL NIGHT TWO HUNDRED DOLLAR FLAT RATE!!!

Geisha Goumbas

I'll be on Conan tonight, as a mobster in full kabuki makeup.

Yeah, that's a typical sentence.

It is the Genesis Device!

Did you know that if you fart, and then turn around, and then, just as your fart has risen up to the level of your face, you sneeze INTO your own fart...it creates a tiny thunder cloud? Complete with tiny lightning and everything? And then the tiny thunder cloud just kind of roils and rolls off to rain somewhere? Fuckin' A man, that's something they should be teaching people in very dry climates.

I'm on the South Beach Diet.

I south beach and I eat it!

(This joke is hereby relegated to this blog after both Michael Reisman and Christian Finnegan informed me that it was not any good)

For some reason this story has made me very very very happy.

I guess I should think twice about submitting my new novel,

Hello God, It's Me, Moby Dick In The Rye: The Two Towers

NO BUDGET NATURE FILMS

A few weeks ago I posted the script for a short film about the Bengal Tiger.

Well, we made it!