MORE! Yep, another Moonwork clip. This one consists of a few jokey jokes plus the cat bit.
Another clip from Moonwork - this one of my 'Naked Trampoline Hamlet' monologue.
Here is a great audio recording of my performance at the last Moonwork. It's a bit profane. And when I say "a bit", I mean "you'd best ignore the words 'a bit' entirely for a more accurate description of just how profane this piece is." By which I mean, this piece is profane. i.e., filled with profanity. I curse a lot in it, is what I'm saying. In conclusion, this piece is safe for work.
18
Here's kind of a combo of notes / rough rough draft of a piece I'll be doing tomorrow night at my pal's show...
ON THE MATING HABITS OF FINCHES
By Andres du Bouchet
For H2KP/Bob Powers’ book party on 1/25/2007
INTRO
Ladies and gentlemen, before we continue celebrating my book through the art of live comedy, I would like to take just a few moments to address a bit of a scheduling SNAFU that has occurred here this evening. Apparently, Mo Pitkins accidentally told another author that he could use this space at this timeslot for a reading of his book as well, so in the interest of fairness, I’ve decided to give him a few minutes to read from his book. Please welcome (reading from a piece of paper) Melvin Meekman.
---
MELVIN
Thank you so much, Bob Powers. Your graciousness has made this, for me, anything but a “Cruelty Day”. Ahem. Actually, this scheduling gaffe couldn’t have worked out better for me, since I usually only get one or two handfuls of people at my readings, and more accurately, it’s usually just one handful of people, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have intentionally attempted to mislead you by using the term “handful of people” to refer to this gentleman here.
FAN
Woo! You fucking rock!
MELVIN
Thank you. Good to see you again. Actually, I was telling the truth from a certain point of view, since this gentleman is indeed a handful! You know, there are a lot of non-fiction books about finches out there, and even more books about the mating habits of finches, which is in direct violation of the laws of logic, since the latter is a subset of the former. THAT’S a lot of books. Heh. But none of those books is written in the first person, from the point of view of the finch itself. And that is the niche into which I have plunged my new book “I, Finch: A First Person Sci-magining Of The Mating Habits of Finches”. The title of the chapter from which I am now going to read an excerpt is Chapter XVII, Mate Selection Determination Factors Among Geographically Non-Specific Submigrating Male Finches Part 4. Enjoy:
(clear throat)
Ahh - (catch voice) x 2
I’m sorry, let me just take a sip of water I have a bit of what they call nerdthroat.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw YEAH!
My beak!
It reeks!
My beak it reeks of PUSSY!
(sung) Oh I’m a motherfucking finch and I’m here to say
(sung) I fuck myself a female finch most every single day
I lay my inches in the trenches
Of all the fine finch wenches
They can’t fake it
When they’re naked
If so they’re better actresses
Than Dame Judi Dench is
(sung) My eyes are beedy but my cock is greedy!
You’re the island of Galapagos and I’m the H.M.S Beagle
So like all the other sloppy hos I’m gonna fuck you like an Eagle
And like an Eagle I’ll McNabb it
Throw it my way and I’ll grab it
I’ll be the perch you sit on
The newspaper that you shit on
I’ll even be the cuttlebone you scrape your beak on
So let’s get the freak on
I’m gonna go Dawson’s Creek on
Your bones
You’re gonna talk like Katie Holmes
Like you had a stroke
I’ll shake your albumen and scramble your yolk
(sung) This ain’t no motherfucking joke I’m horny for finch pusssssay!
Your beak evolved for crackin’ nuts
So get crackin’ on mine you crack ho slut
My beak is sharp for piercing berries
So turn around and let me pop your cherry
Your beak is blunt as in the singer James
And (sing) “You’re beautiful” like his song maintains
But the kind of blunt I like
Is the kind you light
(sung) I like to fuck when I’m hiiiiigh!
All the finch bitches beg to lay with me
So the babies in their eggs look like me
The other male finches look like Ed Begley compared to me
To fly around with this cock I gotta defy gravity
I LIKE A FINCH BUTT THAT’S ROUND AND FEATHERY!
My cock’s the size of a sparrow
And your tight little snatch is a little too narrow
So when we fuck it’s gonna rock you to your marrow
I ain’t never read no books by E.L. Doctorow
But it ain’t because I’m slow
(sung) It’s because I’m always fucking finch pusssssssay!
Though I chirp I’m tough like Wyatt Erp or Hop along Cassidy
I’m gonna test your elasticity
You better be loose like Samantha on Sex and The City
My dick’s so big I’ll fuck a goose
My dick’s so big I’ll fuck a goose
My dick’s so big I’ll fuck a goose
My dick’s so big I’ll fuck a goose
Sorry for that loop girl
it was caused by my cock droop girl
it fell onto the keyboard when I was wasted
and without my knowledge it cut and pasted
the phrase I just repeated
(sung) My cock’s so big that when I wear flat front khakis they look pleated!
I know a finch don’t wear khakis
With a flip flip flap
I’ll alite on your back
And lift your tail feather
For 2 seconds of pleasure
In your rear Heather
That’s your name right
Hey wait don’t take flight
It’s alright
I won’t bite
I’ll just peck
On your neck don’t go
We can take it slow
(fast) huh huh huh huh huh
Too late we had sex YEAH!
Don’t worry baby
You got a short memory
In a minute you’ll re-introduce yourself to me
(sung) And I’ll get myself some more finch pussssssay!
13 centimeters by 5 centimeters with a wingspan of 21 centimers? HA! Only if she weighs between 16 and 22 grams!
Red-Headed Finch (say “Yeah I fucked that!” after each one)
Cutthroat Finch
Star Finch
Gouldian
Masked Grassfinch
Shaftail Finch
Plum Headed Finch
Society Finch
Spice Finch
White Headed Munia Finch
Rufous-Backed Mannikin Finch
Silverbill Finch
Madagascar Mannikin Finch
Tricolor Munia
Gray Crown Mannikin
Moluccan Mannikin
Grand Mannikin
Five-colored Munia
White-Spotted Mannikin
Pallid Nun Finch
Chestnut Flanked White Finch
Lightback Finch
Black Cheek Finch
Orange Breasted Finch
Black Breasted Finch
Florida Fancy Finch
Yellow Beak Finch
Recessive Silver Finch
Black Face Finch
Peace!
Not only am I not a worthy interview subject - I'm a 35 year-old admin assistant who happens to be pretty good at comedy stuff but who hasn't really achieved anything of note yet - but it seems I can take the most mundane question and unearth some anger-drenched bitter turd of a sentiment. Sigh.
Also, I weigh 270 pounds right now. That's crazy. That's not healthy.
Oh, and also, I am typing this all while pooping.*
*Into a toilet.
Boom. That's the name of my new sitcom. You like? Yeah. It stars Charlie Sheen and John Cryer, and they carry around a mysterious tiny man in a shoebox. The mysterious tiny man tells them what to do and stuff. Sheen is always "We should totally do what the tiny man tells us!" but Cryer is like "I don't know, maybe we should rethink this, after all, remember what happened LAST time we yadda blah pffft." CUT TO an hilarious flashback. Boom. There's my show. Gimme five dollahs!
(disco music)
Oooooh she dances sooo slooooooow
Ooooooooh her pants are hangin' soooo loooooooow
WHAT'S IN THOSE POCKETS?!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah Brickdancer! Dancin' with bricks TONIGHT!
(low male voice)
Aw girl I see you on the dance flo lookin' all ungainly and whatnot
It just makes me so hot
How 'bout you take those bricks outta yo pants
and let's dance!
(female voice)
uh-UH! No way fool!
First it's the bricks and then it's my pride
You betta be ready to dance sloooow if you wanna be on my good side!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah BRICK...
(big disco buildup)
DANCER! Dancin' with bricks tonight!
[male announcer voiceover]
Tonight on Brickdancer, Shelly and the Disconauts must dance slower than ever if they want to save the orphanage!
When I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep, I like to use the following simple trick to help me return to slumber: I stare at the alarm clock and calculate the amount of sleep I would get if I fell back asleep RIGHT THEN! Then, when the time on the clock advances by one minute, I RE-CALCULATE! It's not relaxing at all. In fact, it's quite stressful. I'm not sure why I do it. It usually results in me still staring at the clock at 7:28am, then finally falling asleep for one minute, and then being jarred awake at 7:30am. It's fun!