You know how one of the most popular racist things to say is "All [whatever race you're being racist against here] look the same"? Well, lately I've come to the conclusion that all PEOPLE look the same. Everyone. There are like, four people. And we're all just clones of those four types. Over and over, the patterns are right there in front of us - everyday on the subway I scan the faces of my fellow passengers and think "yeah, I've seen all of these people before. That dude looks like someone I work with, that lady looks like someone I had a crush on in high school, that guy looks like Heath Ledge...HOLY SHIT IT'S HEATH LEDGER!!! No. Wait. Not him. Just a dude who looks like him. Aaaaand that lady looks like that lady who looks like that lady who looks like that lady - " oh wait, that's just when I'm in Williamsburg. As a side note, I find it hilarious that a subset of people who arrogantly pride themselves on being different and hip and unique exhibit just as much homogeny (homogenousness? samenessishnessacity?) as yuppy prepsters. Just a different uniform. But anyway, back to the main topic here. To me, each face I look at just looks like a different face that's been stretched or squashed or pulled a bit. Like that scene in 'Weird Science' with the boobs on the computer screen, except with a face. You know what I'm talking about. Man, I gotta get better at this writing thing. Too long out of been practice I've yeah?

Damn, there I go again, mistaking my blogging tool for google. Sorry.

Harvard University plans to name their first female President today. Wait... this just in; they have named her 'Fiona Smartypants-Yummydancer'. I don't think she'll be pleased.

A tornado killed an 86 year old woman in New Orleans today. Investigators are questioning the woman's son in the matter, as he had taken out a death-by-tornado insurance policy on his mother just days earlier.

Today, Princeton University's ESP lab decided to close its doors. "We saw this day coming years ago" said the lab's founder, Robert G. Jahn, "but we wanted to keep milking the funding." As for whether or not ESP exists, the lab's faculty could not be reached for comment, as all eleven of them are vacationing in Fiji with their lottery winnings.

Disgraced NASCAR driver Michael Waltrip apologized to the media today, after his racing team was caught cheating in preparation for the Daytona 500. “On behalf of everyone in my organization, I would like to apologize for everyone in my organization,” said Waltrip, “I promise we’ll keep a closer eye on us.”

A new one dollar coin bearing the likeness of George Washington was unveiled today. When asked if this would cause any confusion among American consumers, U.S. Mint Director Edmund Moy felt around in his pockets and muttered, “Hey did I just pay $4.25 for a Snickers?” Other soon-to-be-introduced currency includes a dime in the shape of a nickel, a one dollar bill with Lincoln’s face on it, and a twenty dollar bill featuring a picture of a ten dollar bill.

A photographer, an attorney, and now, a prince. Yet another potential Daddy has leapt into the Anna Nicole Smith baby fray. Prince Frederic von Anhalt, better known as Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, has announced that he too had been having an illicit affair with the late bombshell for the past five years, and that he could possibly be the father of Anna Nicole's baby, Dannielyn. This brings the total of potential fathers to three, including lawyer Howard K. Stern and photographer Larry Birkhead. A paternity test will be conducted on February 20th to determine Dannielyn's biological father. The baby's sentence will be announced then.

After penning an editorial in which he called the act of rape "magical for the ugly", Central Connecticut State University school paper columnist John Petroski is getting his 15 minutes of fame. Whether he likes it or not. If he knows what's good for him he'll just keep quiet, relax and enjoy the experience. He knows he really wants it anyway. When finally reached for comment, Petroski claimed that he wasn't making light of rape at all, and that the type of "magic" he was referring to was that of David Blaine. “You know,” said Petroski, “the kind of magic that’s not magical at all, but is instead extremely unpleasant and painful to experience. The kind of magic where you keep thinking to yourself, ‘I just wish he would stop doing that’.” Don't worry John, when this mess is finally over, the memories will still haunt you forever, and even though your friends will be there to offer you moral support, they'll still act weird around you for the rest of your life until you die.

In defiance of last week's report from the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which stated with "very high confidence" that humans were a significant contributor to global warming, President Bush issued a rallying cry - "I do not subscribe to this ‘blame ourselves’ mentality in the war on Global Warming. We must not back down against this growing threat. As the Earth continues to grow warmer and warmer, we must strengthen our resolve. We must increase our use of fossil fuels in order to show Global Warming that we will not be intimidated. We must increase our output of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and we must ramp up our use of chlorofluorocarbons. Otherwise, Global Warming will have won. I'm doing my part. This morning The First Lady and I drove an SUV to a tire yard, and, in a beautiful ceremony, we set that tire yard on fire. Then we drove the SUV in circles around the White House until it ran out of gas and then we set the SUV on fire. Then, we had an SUV limo drive us to an SUV dealership to buy another SUV. It's a beautiful, burgundy Lincoln Navigator. Which will look great when we light it on fire." Added Vice President Cheney - "I fly around on a jetpack powered by hairspray!"

The Bush Administration promised a ton of stuff to a crazy evil man today in exchange for the crazy evil man to not blow us all up. Of course we're referring to North Korea's minute madman, Kim Jong Il, who recently signed a deal to shut down nuclear testing in exchange for a butt load of stuff. This marks a dramatic shift in the Bush Administrations policy of dealing with crazy evil dudes, which up until now, had been to invade the crazy evil dude's country and turn it into a big mess while the crazy evil dude is hung live on a cell phone video. When he learned of the deal, Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad commented "Ooh let me get on this gravy train - I promise not to blow you all up too! If you throw in even more money, we'll even not blow up Israel!"

The Bush Administration leveled another serious accusation at Iran today, asserting that new intelligence proves, with almost 90% certainty, that Iran borders Iraq. "They won't be able to deny this one," said President Bush, "our intelligental departments have given me their word that they are almost entirely sure that Iran is next to Iraq. If Iran knows what's good for it, it'll start backing away slowly and keep its nose out of Iraq's business. Damned if we know how it snuck up on Iraq in the first place, but we're glad we finally noticed."

And now back to Hang Gliding Douchebags!

[Two guys are hang gliding and hurling insults at various people on the ground]

Hey lady - you're so fat that from up here, you DON'T look like an ant.

Don't kiss him, he's got a bald spot! He's got a bald spot that you can't see from your angle, but I can see it from up here! Because I'm hang gliding!

Looks like a 100% chance of showers! [spits]

Hey down there! Go screw yourself!

(scratching scalp) Forecast calls for snow!

Ooh, low cut blouse. [pause]. Aw yeah.

Hey look some little kids. Hey kids, we're angels, you better stop having fun or we'll die! [one "dies"] oh no you killed an angel!

Hey look some primitive villagers. We are Gods! Kill all of your goats!

Dude! Dude! Up here! Throw us your sandwich! Throw your sandwich up here! Awesome! [wipes butt with it and throws it back down] Yeah that's what I think of your stupid turkey sandwich!

Hey look they're waiting in line for a movie - "hey, (MOVIE SPOILERS)"

Hi, I'm Andres du Bouchet, and welcome to Make It Naked, the show that shows you how to make stuff. In the buff!

Today I'm going to show you a cheap and easy recipe for Cobb Salad. Let's make it naked!

Alright. Now, since we're naked, the first thing we're going to do is lay out all of our ingredients. Lettuce. Corn - I use the canned stuff. Polyo string cheese. A bottle of salad dressing, any kind. And baco bits. Baco bits? That's right - remember, I did say cheap and easy. Don't worry, it'll still be delicious.

Okay. First, while remaining naked, wash and drain the lettuce.

Alright. Don't put any clothes on yet - you've still got to shred the cheese!

Okay it's time to chop the lettuce. Be extra careful with that knife! I don't think I need to tell you why. Oh alright, it's because you're naked.

Now stay naked. Good. Now sprinkle the cheese and baco bits on the lettuce.

Now remember, you're naked. Okay, shake that dressing and add a little or a lot. It's up to you! You're naked!

And serve. Okay, put some clothes on, it's time to eat!

Hey, how about this whole NASA love triangle scandal? The last time I was this intrigued by a story involving space and diapers, the movie 'Cocoon' was in theaters! I mean the movie 'Space Cowboys' was in theaters. Aaaand show a picture of the cast of Space Cowboys aaaand good.

After penning an editorial in which he called the act of rape "magical for the ugly", Central Connecticut State University school paper columnist John Petroski is getting his 15 minutes of fame. Whether he likes it or not. If he knows what's good for him he'll just shut up and take it. He knows he really wants it anyway. Yeah. Don't ya? Yeah. You take that big 15 minutes of fame and shut the fuck up. Don't move! You. Don't. Ah. Move. Ah. Don't. Yeah. YEAH! AAAAAAAAAH. Whew. When finally reached for comment, Petroski claimed that he wasn't making light of rape at all, and that the type of "magic" he was referring to was that of [whatever famous magician I should make fun of here]. Aaaand show a photo of the magician I just mentioned aaaaaand next joke.

A teenage male shot and killed five people in a shopping mall today...in Utah (rimshot). But seriously folks, if I hear one more story about a confused teenager stockpiling weapons and then trying to eradicate as many innocent people as possible I'm going to buy a gun and shoot somebody. In Utah. (rimshot). But seriously, fuck Utah. (boos) Whoah, looks like the Friends of Utah Alliance is here or something! This guy knows what I'm talking about. Whoah.

An Ode To True Love

Autumnalingus

'I, Finch' Part One

'I, Finch' Part Two

Hi. I'm Jim Boob Job Jones. Professional Arm Wrestler. Why do I call myself Boob Job? I dunno. Why don't you take a look? WHAM LOOKS LIKE I JUST BEAT YOU AT ARM WRESTLING YES!!! Ha ha!

that are on sale for one dollar each. The proceeds from the sale of the chocolates goes towards refurbishing your coworker's niece's junior high school. All day your coworkers will hover over the box, loudly saying things such as:

"ooooh I'm gonna be bad and have one how many points is it?"

and

"oooooh"

and

"oh here we go time to be bad oh my"

and

"oooh girl I'm bad I'm gonna get the crisp or maybe the caramel oh I don't know ha ha ha"

and

"I'll pay the dollar for the school but I'm not going to eat this who wants it" (you'll eat it)

and

"ooh the crisp or maybe the almond has anyone tried the almond yet but I know I love the crisp I'll go with the crisp"

and

"how many points girl you talkin about points ha ha ha that's your day that's your whole day right there hoo"

and

"ooh what are these candy bars oh no no no no no no NO well okay I'll be bad ooh maybe the crisp"

and this will repeat like a loop for your whole life until finally the worms and beetles receive you.