Hey writers - you know that slipstream of inspiration that can occasionally sweep you away? Where every word just effortlessly flows forth and before you know it, you've written an entire piece from start to finish, with nary a pause of doubt? Oh, and you know how when you look at the piece the next day it totally sucks? Here is one such piece! It will never see a stage. Enjoy.
Oh, a bit of background - I am presenting the award for Best One Person Show this Monday night at the ECNY Awards. I initially came up with this idea for my two minutes of stage time before I introduced the nominees...
[I am introduced]
ANDRES
I drink your milkshake!
V.O.
If you like one man shows, then you're absolutely going to like the hottest new one man show to hit offoffoffoffoff Broadway: Andres du Bouchet is fat Daniel Day Lewis in...'Fat Daniel Day Lewis Milkshake Bully.'
ANDRES PULLS OUT A REGULAR-SIZED DRINKING STRAW AND A MILKSHAKE (PROB. A MCDONALD'S MILKSHAKE OR SOMETHING SIMILAR). PUTS THE MILKSHAKE ON AN AUDIENCE MEMBER'S TABLE AND BELLOWS...
ANDRES
Now if your milkshake is over here. And my straw is here...(puts straw in the milkshake)...I drink your milkshake!
ANDRES SIPS ON THE STRAW FURIOUSLY AS THE V.O. CONTINUES.
V.O.
If you've ever wondered what Daniel Day Lewis would look like if he was 150 pounds heavier, and if you've ever wondered what it would be like if he hung out all day in an ice cream parlour drinking other people's milkshakes and yelling about it, then 'Fat Daniel Day Lewis Milkshake Bully' is the one man show for you!
ANDRES STANDS FURTHER AWAY FROM THE MILKSHAKE.
ANDRES
Now, what if I stood over here?
FROM HIS JACKET, ANDRES PULLS OUT A VERY LONG STRAW MADE OF SEVERAL INTERCONNECTED STRAWS. HE INSERTS THE END OF THIS MONSTER STRAW INTO THE STRAW THAT'S ALREADY IN THE MILKSHAKE AND STANDS AS FAR BACK AS POSSIBLE.
ANDRES
I still drink your milkshake! I drink it up! Mmmmm! Idrinkyourmilkshake.
ANDRES GOES BACK TO SUCKING ON THE STRAW FURIOUSLY.
V.O.
Clive Barnes says "This makes no sense. Why would I want to watch a chubby guy who looks and sounds nothing like Daniel Day Lewis carry on about drinking milkshakes and then doing so through a series of ever longer straws? There is no reason anyone should see this show."
ANDRES STANDS EVEN FURTHER AWAY PUCKERING HIS LIPS.
ANDRES
What am I doing now? I'm still drinking your milkshake! Invisible straw! While you're sitting around wondering how a fat guy like me managed to sneak in and drink your milkshake, I'm spending my time inventing things like invisible straws! Mmmm! The straw also turns the milkshake invisible. That's why you can't see a thin stream of milkshake floating in the air as I drink it. I've thought of everything! I drink it up!
V.O.
If you've ever wondered what would happen if a disturbed individual were to base an entire one man show on one line of dialogue from a recent film, then satisfy that morbid curiosity by buying a ticket and sitting through at least a few minutes of 'Fat Daniel Day Lewis Milkshake Bully'!
ANDRES IS SUPER FAR ACROSS THE ROOM NOW.
ANDRES
What about if I were over here??? What now? Well, I still drink your milkshake!
ANDRES UNFURLS AN INCREDIBLY LONG SERIES OF INTERCONNECTED STRAWS FROM HIS JACKET, WALKS ALL THE WAY TO THE MILKSHAKE, INSERTS IT, AND STRETCHES THE MEGA-STRAW ALL THE WAY TO THE EDGE OF THE THEATER.
ANDRES
The material I use to build invisible straws can't maintain its structural integrity at this length, so I had to go back to using regular straws! I drink your milkshake! Mmmmm! (sips from straw) Mm. Hmm. I'm not getting anything. There must be a hole in one of the straws!
V.O.
Don't miss moments like...
ANDRES
Guess what I'm doing right now? (puts lips to straw) Wrong! I'm blowing bubbles in your milkshake!
V.O.
And...
ANDRES
(cough) Ugh. (cough) Got a (cough) chunk of (cough) malt (cough) stuck in (cough) my throat. What the hell is malt anyway? I don't know, but it's delicious! And I drink it right up!
V.O.
And also...
ANDRES
(clutching stomach) I don't feel too good!
V.O.
Don't miss Andres du Bouchet in 'Fat Daniel Day Lewis Milkshake Bully'. All of the tickets are still available!
Or something along those lines. Maybe I would do it if I knew that everyone had definitely seen 'There Will Be Blood', but chances are they haven't. Even then, it's a lot of prop crap and crap and stuff and crap.
Here's something we shot back in June of last year. I wrote it, Michael Bernard directed it and stars in it, and Carol Hartsell shot and edited it. Co-starring Sean Crespo, Mark Douglas, Anthony DeVito and Bryan Olsen.
A couple of Christmases ago, Sara got me 'The Complete New Yorker' - a monumental binder of CD-ROMs bursting with scans of every single page of every single 'New Yorker' since the magazine's inception. It's pretty overwhelming to sift through, but every once in a while I engage in a fun little exercise. I think of a movie I like, figure out when it was released, and then find the original review in The New Yorker. Invariably, the review is annoyingly pompous, overwrought, and without fail refuses to judge the film on its own merits. This usually means that genre films - sci fi, fantasy, horror, etc. are always given short shrift. Shrift. Is that a word? Can you give something long shrift? "Excuse me, waiter, but this shrift is too long!" [the remaining couple gets up and walks out of the comedy club, leaving me and the waitress exchanging confused looks - the shrift material usually kills out here in St. Paul!] Um. Anyway, tonight we watched 'Alien' and 'Aliens' back-to-back on Cinemax: Actionterrormax or something like that. One of those channels up there near the one where you can watch Star Wars in Spanish. Anyhowways, I looked at the film review for 'Alien' back on June 11, 1979, and here's what Brendan Gill had to say...
"Lady Bonham Carter is reputed to have said 'Outer space is no place for a person of breeding,' and on the basis of what I sat through during the extended course of 'Alien', I'm inclined to broaden the coverage of Her Ladyship's aphorism: Outer space appears to be unfit for anyone except slobs and blobs."
Seriously? One of the best horror movies ever made merits that sort of long-winded, pansy-assed dismissiveness? Brendan Gill sounds like a dick.
A hot new reality show in which celebs hunt whales!
Hey check this out, it's a bit I co-wrote for 'Talkshow' last year.
Also, I haven't plugged this site in a while.
You can also listen to THIS on the AV page of this site. Moonwork crowds are the best.
America's Next Top Salad
"Cobb salad. You...are...tossed."
Are You Taller Than A Lesbian?
The answer may surprise you!
Project: Cashews
"I like it, but what does it have to do with cashews? Make it work."
Fart Court
Who smelt it? Who dealt it? "Odor in the court!"
Who Does Danny Bonaduce Want To Have Sex With Twice?
30 women. Danny Bonaduce will have sex with a different woman each night for 30 nights. At the end of the month, he will decide which woman with whom he would like to have sex a second time.
Phenumnumnum
From master of illusion Criss Angel, who brought us the hit magic reality show 'Phenomenon', it's 'Phenumnumnum', the first reality show entirely about eating peanut butter! (it really sells it when you hear how I pronounce 'phenumnumnum' (okay maybe not)).
Amercia's Least Eventful Speeding Tickets
OFFICER - Do you know how fast you were going?
DRIVER - No officer.
OFFICER - 79. In a 65 zone.
DRIVER - Oh. Huh.
OFFICER - Yeah, so I'm going to have to write you up a ticket.
DRIVER - Mmm hmm.
(lengthy pause)
OFFICER - Here's your ticket.
DRIVER - Okay.
OFFICER - Drive safe.
DRIVER - Thank you officer.
(EVERY WEEK!)
Men With Terrible Gaydar House
20 men. 5 are gay and out of the closet. 5 are gay and in the closet. 5 are straight and homophobic. 5 are straight but bi-curious. And ALL of them have terrible gaydar! Get ready for fighting, crying, and fucking - and every combination thereof! In 'Men With Terrible Gaydar House'!
The Real Housewives Of Loch Ness
"Like, Tiffany says she's seen the monster, but like, we all know she's just saying that to get under the skin of Slade's new trophy wife." Yes, idiots talk that way around the globe! Even in Scotland!
Butler Pirates
What happens when real butlers are forced to be fake pirates? Manners ahoy!
Joe 12-inch Cock That Ejaculates Gold Coins And Fire Ants
Remember Joe Millionaire? All those women competing for the love of a man who they think is a millionaire? But it turned out he wasn't? Well now they're competing for a guy who they've been told has a 12-inch cock that ejaculates gold coins and fire ants. They'll be thinking - "I know I'm being lied to in some way. I sure hope it's the part about the fire ants. If he has a 12-inch cock that only ejaculates gold coins, I will have hit the jackpot! Literally! Even if his cock is only 4 inches long, I'll still love him. As long as it still ejaculates gold coins. If his cock is only four inches long and only ejaculates fire ants, I will feel betrayed!" The twist is that the guy's cock is 7 inches and actually just ejaculates pennies and raisinettes. I hope you like making wishes at fountains and going to the movies, lady! Boing.
Who Wants To Guess The Distance Between Maggie Gyllenhall's Eyes?
No one. That's why this show will never exist.
Nanny 311
CALLER - Yes, I'm calling to find out when to put my recyclables outside?
NANNY - Que?
CALLER - Bottles and cans, when do I -
NANNY - You need bottle?
CALLER - No I -
NANNY - Que?
A-hole Ghost Doctor
Does he exist? If so, can he heal these B-level celebs? And if he can, will he choose to? After all, he's an a-hole! Now that's how you get people to watch a room full of schmucks doing nothing!
"I Said Bake It, Faggots!"
Only for stations in the deep south. Two artsy, unathletic teen males are forced to compete in a bake-off at gunpoint. The winner gets to move to Brooklyn and never speak to his family again.
Principal Radiohead
What happens when Radiohead is made principal of a NYC public elementary school? Avant-discipline!
Brady, Brady y Los Bradys!
NFL star Tom Brady, improv wiz Wayne Brady, and #1 Spanish-speaking Brady Bunch tribute theater troupe Los Bradys um...compete. They can't all be gems!
My Microphone Is A Carrot
HOST - Let's take some calls on America's #1 call-in talkshow, My Microphone Is A Carrot. Caller, you're on the air.
CALLER - Hello?
HOST - Go ahead, caller.
CALLER - Hello, am I on?
HOST - You're live, on My Microphone Is A Carrot. Go ahead.
CALLER- Hello? Am...hello?
HOST - You are live on My Microphone Is A Carrot caller, what's on your mind?
CALLER - Am I on? I can't tell if I'm...hello?
HOST - Go ahead caller.
CALLER - Hello?
HOST - You are live on MMIAC!
(long pause)
HOST & CALLER SIMULTANEOUSLY - Hello?
HOST - Go ahead caller.
CALLER - Hello am I on?
HOST - Caller, you are on the air!
CALLER - (to someone in background) I can't tell if I'm on the air.
HOST - Caller, you are live on My Microphone Is A Carrot!
CALLER - (to someone in the background still) Do you think...do you think his microphone is really a carrot and that's why I can't hear him?
PERSON IN BACKGROUND OF CALL - Then how can we hear him on tv?
CALLER - Yeah, that's fucked up. (hangs up)
HOST - Okay, let's go to line #2!
Take A Schmuck At Their Word And Re-enact It
Oh wait, that's what all those paranormal shows already are.
Hang-Gliding Douchebags
"Hey lady, you're so fat that from up here, you don't look like an ant. You just look like a very far away fat person!"
Celebrity Uno
Who Wants To Marry An Explosion?
Oprah Two
Kids Say The Most Inaccurate Things
Let's Count Butts!
Ski-Bear Squaredance Quiz
Waiting For A Lobster To Talk
Men With Terrible Gaydar Bus!
Stock Prices Drawn On Tits
Fast Food Drive-Thru Communication Breakdowns Resulting In Unintentional Prostitution
exeunt
[miming phone]
...yeah, it's like I told that balloon juggling act - "I don't care how many balloons you can juggle at once, no one wants to see juggling that slow!" What? I don't care if it is hacky, if I want to make my entrance having a fake conversation on an imaginary cell phone, then that's what I'm gonna do! Apology accepted. Alright. You too. Goodbye, the band Coldplay!
Helloooo Moonwork! Happy New Year! My name is Karl Management. I am the founder and senior manager of my own talent agency: Management Talent Management. Perhaps you're familiar with our slogan: "Management Talent Management - if you've got talent to manage, let Management Talent Management manage your talent. If not, I'm sure you'll manage!"
My clients include B, C, and D level clients such as:
Danny Bonaduce
Adult film actress Sexualica Bonertaster
And of course, famous children's band 'The Nurples'.
Anyway, as many of you are aware, all of show business is currently in the grip of a crippling, devastating, soul-crushing, bowel-mangling clusterfuck of shitfuck fuckshitting shitstorms called 'The Writer's Strike'. And as a talent manager who makes his living by asking his clients what jobs they've gotten lately and then requesting 15% of their earnings from those jobs, my very livelihood is at stake. Now, I have it from inside sources that the strike is never going to end. Never. And therefore, all of television is going to consist of live sporting events, commercials, infomercials and that's right...REALITY TV! So, with that in mind, I have stormed my brain and come up with concepts, ideas, PITCHES if you will, for 50 new reality tv shows. And at the risk of trying your patience I would like to run them all by you now. If I can sell just one of these, packaged maybe with a few of my clients, then BOOM goodbye talent agency hello production company. Okay here we go:
AMERICA'S NEXT TOP SALAD - Cobb salad. You...are...tossed.
ARE YOU TALLER THAN A LESBIAN? - the answer may surprise you!
PROJECT: CASHEWS - (Tim Gunn voice) I like it, but what does it have to do with cashews? Make it work.
FART COURT - Who smelt it? Who dealt it? "Odor in the court!" Get it? Odor in the court? And we're only on #4 here.
WHO DOES DANNY BONADUCE WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH TWICE? - 30 women. Danny Bonaduce will have sex with a different one of them each night for 30 nights. At the end of the month, he will decide which woman with whom he'd like to have sex a second time.
PHENUMNUMNUM - From master of illusion Cris Angel, who brought us the magic reality show 'Phenomenon', comes Phenumnumnum, the first reality show entirely about eating peanut butter.
JOE 12 INCH COCK THAT EJACULATES GOLD COINS AND FIRE ANTS - From the creators of that classic reality hit 'Joe Millionaire', it's 'Joe 12 INCH COCK THAT EJACULATES GOLD COINS AND FIRE ANTS!' Just like Joe Millionaire, the women will go into it assuming that they're being lied to, but they won't know which part is the lie! They'll be thinking: "Okay, I know I'm being lied to in some way. I sure hope it's the part about the fire ants. If Joe actually has a twelve-inch cock that only ejaculates gold coins, well, then I will have hit the jackpot. Pun intended. (slot machine motion) Even if he only had a four-inch cock, I'll still be happy. As long as it ejaculates gold coins. If he had a four-incher that only ejaculates fire ants? Well, then I would feel betrayed." Ha! Here's the twist - what the women don't know is that Joe actually just has a seven inch cock that ejaculates pennies and raisinettes!
AMERICA'S MOST UNEVENTFUL SPEEDING TICKETS - we can fill up hours of airtime with this crap. Do you know how fast you were going? No. Too fast. Okay. Here's your ticket. Okay. Nothing ever happens!
GAYDAR BUS - We've filled a bus with people who think they're gifted at telling who's gay and who's not gay, and we're touring the country. (magic bus) Whoaaah gaydar bus!
MEN WITH TERRIBLE GAYDAR HOUSE - Half of them are gay. Half of them are homophobic. And all of them have terrible gaydar.
YACHT FIGHT
TWO GIRLS ONE CUP REACTION MARATHON
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF LOCH NESS - (valley girl) "Like, Tiffany says she's seen the creature but I totally don't believe her." Yes, wives in Scotland talk that way!
OPRAH TWO - She looks like Oprah. She sounds like Oprah. Oprah Two!
FUNNIEST WILL PRANKS - Just kidding, he didn't leave you anything!
WAITING FOR A LOBSTER TO TALK - Not sure why I wrote that down. It would be a boring show.
BROTHEL IN A TREEHOUSE
WHO WANTS TO GUESS THE DISTANCE IN CENTIMETERS BETWEEN MAGGIE GYLLENHALL'S EYES??? I know the answer, it's a frightening number!
I'm just riffing now!
WHO WANTS TO MARRY AN EXPLOSION? What the hell would that even entail?
KIDS SAY THE MOST INACCURATE THINGS - Pasketti? What the hell is pasketti? And all the crap you just said about the Revolutionary War is completely inaccurate!
CELEBRITY UNO
LET'S COUNT BUTTS
NAKED WOMEN'S BREASTS ON WHICH WE'VE DRAWN TODAY'S STOCK PRICES
DELI MEAT ROAD SHOW - now you say you bought this bologna for 3.99 a pound, but did you know that it's actually worth 4.19 a pound?
MY MICROPHONE IS A CARROT - Caller you're on the air, go ahead. Hello? Go ahead caller, you're live on My Microphone Is A Carrot. Hello? Go ahead caller. Hello am I on the air? Caller, go ahead, you are on the air on America's #1 Reality Call-in show, my microphone is a carrot. Hello? I can't tell if I'm on the air. Hello, anyone there?. Caller you are Live on the air! Hello? Well, next caller. We're taking live calls here on My Microphone Is A Carrot.
A-HOLE GHOST DOCTOR - Does he exist? And if so, can he heal these C-level celebs? And if he can, will he choose to? After all, might he be an a-hole? See? THAT'S how you get people to watch a room full of people doing nothing!
GAY BAKE-OFF
GABE ACHE-OFF
GAY BAY COUGH
in the south, we call it BAKE THIS, FAGGOT
DOG PALACE - a real elizabethean palace staffed by dogs
CELEBRITY GUITAR HERO
BRADY Y LOS BRADYS - the #1 Spanish-speaking Brady Bunch tribute theater troupe competes against NFL star Tom Brady in a
BUTLER PIRATES - What happens when real butlers are forced to be fake pirates?
(black lady) MMM HMM. - 100 secretaries compete for $100,000 as they try to out-sarcasm each other.
PONY WEIGH-OFF
CELEBRITY SLOT MACHINE (ADDICTS)
ROCCO SIFFREDI
IRON TAXIDERMIST
SKIING WITH BEARS!
RETARDED LIFEGUARDS
NANNY 411 - Yes, when are recyclables collected? Que? Bottles and cans and stuff, when should I put them out on the curb? You need bottle?
PRINCIPAL RADIOHEAD - the avant garde British rock band runs an elementary school!
MARRYING ZOD
ABORTIONS
PASTA
SNAKES
PICNIC
CUNT
DOG
WHISPERER
IRON
CHEF