Naked Trampoline Hamlet!

It's an hour of absurdist filth, and I'm damn proud of it. Give me your ten bucks.

Howya doin'.

Allow me to introduce myself. No wait, screw that, I don't need your permission.

My name's Karl Management. I own and operate my own talent agency, Management Talent Management. Perhaps you've heard our slogan:

"If you've got talent to manage, let Management Talent Management manage your talent. If not, I'm sure you'll manage."

Anyway I was watching you perform, and I gotta say, I thought your set was okay. No wait. It was the best thing I've ever seen.

Let me make this brief:

"ah!"

No wait, that was way too brief. Here's a longer explanation: I'm starting my own record label, and I want you to be the first artist that I sign. And when I say "artist", I mean sculptor, in so far as you sculpt my wallet into a big fat wallet full of money.

What's my record label called? Good question. It's called "Diarrhea Vampire Penis Bakery Law Firm". Why the gross stupid name? I'll tell ya why: defy expectations. We're not a law firm. We're not a bakery. And vampires and penises have nothing to do with what we do. That's the extent of my explanation.

Anyway, Diarrhea Vampire Penis Bakery Law Firm needs you.

How'd I get into the music business? True story - I was discovered by an R.E.M. song while sipping some hallucinogenic tea at a Los Feliz coffee shop. It was the song "Man on The moon", and I was appreciating
the fuck out of it. The song noticed how good I was at appreciating it, and it signed me right then and there. At least that's how I remember it. I know the part about the tea is true. Anyway, here I am.

Now since I'm not a real person I can offer you a killer deal. A million now, a million after, and a million during. Plus 103%
of all sales.

And as a bonus you get to drive around in a real Transformer. It's a car that transforms into a roofless car. His name is Mechanimus Autosaur. To find him, just go to any parking lot and hotwire the first convertible you see. That's him.

Your deal also includes all the sushi you can eat! Except it's breaded and it's fried and it's chicken.

I got a recording studio in the Hollywood Hills. You can live there if you want. but during the day it's the Griffith Observatory so you'll need to be out by 9am every morning. That's right, I own the Griffith Observatory. Here's the key to the place. It looks like a lockpick but it's a key.

You know that restaurant, House of Pies? When I'm through with you, your career is going to be like that restaurant, but with hits instead of pies. Plus lots of mediocre songs instead of the other food they serve.

What's your act's name? Not anymore. Now you guys are called Zooey and The Clam. No wait. The Pepsi Twins. No wait. Johnny And The Kleptos. Wait, that's your name already right? Great minds think alike.

Any questions? Because I'll tell you what the answer is right now: Maybe.

Alright, let's go. Mechanimus Autosaur is waiting.

Hey. I'm Martin Scorsese, and right now I'm yelling at you from inside a throbbing, sweaty, joyously cacophonous Mardi Gras throng, right here in New Orleans. Just look at all of the exposed flesh, it's as if Katrina were still ravaging this coastal city, but with tits instead of wind. Is that distasteful? CUT. It's in poor taste. I shouldn't have mentioned Katrina. Alright from the top. Wait let me reposition the beads they got flipped. Wait you know what they actually look better this way I like the blue. Alright from the top. Wait. Are we rolling? Alright. From the top and ACTION!

Hey. I'm Martin Scorsese, and right now I'm yelling at you from inside a throbbing, sweaty, joyously cacophonous Mardi Gras throng, right here in New Orleans. I'm loving it! That's because I'm smack dab in the middle of my favorite thing: lots and lots of exposed boobs. I love looking at boobs even more than I love making motion pictures! Hey, I wear these glasses for a reason! And that reason is 100% boobs-related! And here is that reason: so I can look at boobs. See, I wasn't kidding about the percentage of the reason with respect to how much of it was about boobs! Anyway, we all know that the best way to get a random woman to expose her naked boobs at Mardi Gras is with beads. You show the beads, she shows the boobs, you give her the beads, boom: it's a satisfying transaction for all concerned.

But not just any beads will do. And that's why I'm proud to present Marty Gras Beads, the only Mardi Gras beads that have been personally designed with an obsessive attention to detail by me, Martin Scorsese. Just look at that quality. Each bead is lovingly crafted from the highest quality materials, like walrus ivory, triple-glazed porcelain, and over two kinds of plastic.

You wanna talk about Goodfellas? Check out these goods, fellas. And by goods I mean boobs!

Forget Shutter Island, these chicks won't be able to shut their BLOUSES when you flash my Marty Gras Beads!

Casino? You'll be Ca-seeing Hoes with my beads, and they'll be ca-showing you their casabas!

Departed ain't got nothin' on these D-cups!

Shine A Light...on those bazoombas!

The Last Temptation of Christ? How about The Breast Titsplosion of Christalmightylookatthoseawesomebazoingos!

Raging Boner! Is a play on words with regards to my highly-acclaimed film Raging Bull.

The Age of Innocence is a film I directed, and in that film was Winona Ryder! Who, at that point in her career, had great tits.

Who knows, maybe she still does. I'm not sure.

Okay I've clearly...I've clearly lost some steam here. And that's fine. We can tighten this in post. I'm not sure about the Titsplosion line. Okay anyway keep rolling.

My point is, when it comes to getting strange women to flash you their boobs, there's only one brand of Mardi Gras beads that will do the trick, over and over again: Martin Scorsese's handcrafted Marty Gras Beads!

Remember, my beads in the hand are worth two boobs in your face!

Trust me, with my beads those babes will definitely show you their boobs.

And my prices are as low as their self esteem!

Just $19.95 for 10 lovingly handcrafted Marty Gras Bead necklaces, and each one comes with my patented 90-day boobflash-inducement warranty. If you don't see some strange lady's boobs within 90 days of purchasing these beads, I'll refund your money! No questions asked!

Order now!

Now if you'll excuse me, Marty's gotta get HIS Mardi on and party on!

Taxi Driver? More like rack! See! Dry pants. Is what...you won't have. Okay yeah we won't use that one I was just...I thought I had one more in me but nope. Okay CUT.

Yay blogging!

(OPEN ON: CONAN AT HOMEBASE)

CONAN
• Big Super Bowl news.
• A new study has found that the emotional stress of watching the Super Bowl can trigger heart attacks.

(STILL F/F: CNN.COM ARTICLE)

CONAN (CONT'D)
• So in order to make watching the Super Bowl less stressful, Fox is replacing its regular announcing team of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman with two much more soft-spoken guys.
• Let's meet them now.
• Please welcome smooth jazz DJs Ernie Rivers and Manny Salazar.

SPLIT SCREEN. JOSE AND STACK STANDING WITH FOX SPORTS MICROPHONES IN AN EMPTY FOOTBALL STADIUM. THEY SPEAK LIKE SMOOTH JAZZ DJS, AND TEND TO OVERLAP EACH OTHER A BIT.

CONAN
Welcome guys, thanks for doing this.

STACK
Our pleasure Conan.

JOSE
It is absolutely our pleasure.

STACK
The pleasure is all ours.

JOSE
It's pleasure time where we are.

STACK
Outta site.

CONAN
Right. So you guys are smooth jazz DJs?

STACK
Actually, he's a smooth jazz DJ.

JOSE
You got that right.

STACK
And I'm a soft jazz DJ.

JOSE
Big difference.

STACK
Huge.

JOSE
Huge, Conan, just like the offensive line of the (reads off a small piece of paper) Green Bay Packers.

CONAN
So why did they pick you guys to announce the Super Bowl?

STACK
It's simple, really.

JOSE
They wanted the big game to be extra chillax-sational this year.

STACK
So that all of the Americans with heart disease don't get too excited and keel over dead.

JOSE
Gotta stop the fatties from having heart attacks, Conan.

STACK
Gotta save those fatties.

JOSE
It's gonna be a sexysmooth fatty rescue on Super Bowl Sunday.

CONAN
And how hard has the transition from jazz DJs to football announcers been?

STACK
Ridiculously hard, Conan.

JOSE
Very hard. Just like the punishing hits delivered by (looks at paper) Troy Pala..mah...loo.

STACK
(also looking at paper) Polam...lala...ooh.

JOSE
Popo-lama-ooh-ooh.

STACK & JOSE
(slightly different versions on top of each other) Pall-uh...mall-ooh. / Pall-mall-uh-oh.

CONAN
Troy Polamalu.

STACK
Outta site.

CONAN
And how have you been preparing?

STACK
Oh we've been practicing our smooth football announcing styles over some easily clearable non-NFL footage if you'd like to hear us at work.

JOSE
This footage is sexysmooth and clearable, Conan.

CONAN
Sure, let's take a look.

(ROLL VT: FOOTBALL CLIP)

(Stack and Jose riffed over some Canadian Football League footage. As a touchdown was scored on a passing play, they said something along the lines of "You know, I think the endzone is a metaphor for all of life's goals, whether it's getting into culinary school / sure, or self-publishing your first collection of poetry, that's one of my goals / oh I think they scored / really? Hadn't noticed")

CONAN (CONT'D)
I'm not sure you guys described a single thing correctly on that play.

STACK
Outta site.

JOSE
Well, I'm sure we'll be ready for the big game next month.

CONAN
The Super Bowl is this Sunday.

STACK
That's terrible news.

JOSE
The worst.

STACK
I'm going to be sick.

CONAN
AD LIB OUT.