I'm doing H2KP again tonight, and here are my rough notes:

START SPOILERS!!!

[I'll be wearing my 'The Cheat' T-shirt and my nightguard, which will give me a lateral lisp. I'll also have a bag of McDonald's food and some various candies that I'll be picking at]

Yes, my name is Zest Patterson, founder and curator of the ultimate movie, tv, comic book and videogame fanboy website ainteverythingcool.yes -- do I really think absolutely everything is cool? The answer's after the dot folks! I am so psyched about all things that I wear my nightguard 24/7, otherwise I'd grind my teeth into oblivion and you CANNOT GUM PEANUT BRITTLE. Anyway, It is my sincerest pleasure to be here tonight. You know, I've been looking forward to three things in 2007:

ONE - The movie '300' - oh man 300. I love women, don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong, I loooove the ladies. BUT. Gerard Butler was so hot, and his abs were so defined in that movie, if you threw pancake batter at his midsection it would bounce back as a waffle. A hot, crispy waffle.

TWO - The platinum ambien DVD edition of Machutika Nataki's anime masterpiece Rape Wolf Udon. It's the ambien cut - some people drive or eat in their sleep when they're on the stuff, but Nataki-San fucking recut the whole movie in his sleep and it's supposedly completely unintillegible. I can't wait.

THREE - How To START SPOILERS Kick END SPOILERS People!

Yeah, so great to be here.

-----

I have parts in three upcoming projects in which I've been lucky enough to portray three very different characters.

ONE - In 'The Transformers', starring the incomprable Shia La Beouf, I play a geeky comic book shop proprietor - my character is sort of Michael Bay's nod to the Transformer fanboys who've been criticizing the film for not remaining 100% faithful to the cartoon. My character START SPOILERS meets his demise when Optimus Prime steps on him as I yell "This isn't how giant robots would sound like! This isn't like the cartoo-" END SPOILERS.

TWO - In the inimitable Shia La Beouf's directorial debut entitled 'Whatev', I play the proprietor of a comic book shop that Shia frequents during his START SPOILERS Sixth END SPOILERS Year of College. It's sort of our generation's 'Reality Bites'.

THREE - In the new CW reality show 'Duff, Duff, Puff and La Beouf', I play a comic book shop proprietor who moderates an ongoing prank competition between Hillary Duff, Duff the bassist from Velvet Revolver, a cartoon dragon and the START SPOILERS cocaine-addled END SPOILERS Shia La Bouf.

-----

TODD'S LIMERICK - If Todd Levin were a warrior in the game Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, and that limerick were a shield or suit of armor, and my appreciation for said limerick were measured in dragon fire, Todd would be unharmed even though everything else in the melee zone would be totally scorched! 10! DAWG!

BOB'S LIMERICK - There once was a man named Bob Powers, whose facial expressions were mostly made up of glowers. And his limerick about Darfur - made me wanna go to the Bar fer a drinking spree that would last hours. Depressing stuff man. I was disappointed, so you get a 10 minus.

-----

TODD'S PIECE - I tell ya, I've been following the buzz about that particular piece of Todd's for a while now. Heard some great things from my spies at the test readings, such great things in fact that I thought they might be plants, but I tell you right here and now, that piece was Lando's little Indian-dude co-pilot from Return of the Jedi, my brain was the Millenium Falcon, and it just knocked my radar dish clean off as we made the final assault on the Death Star of not-awesomeness. Another 10!! DAWG!

-----

TODD'S DANCE - The only thing slower, more awkard, and involving that much curly hair and hugging than that dance was the goodbye scene in Return of the King. Very lame. I'm going to have to give it a 9.7.

BOB'S DANCE - Dude, what the heck was that weird strappy thing you pulled out from under her shirt! Is that like a slingshot or something? Wow, cool! 10 DAWG!

-----

BOB'S PIECE - Hmm. I haven't been that upset by a piece of theater or film since Brad Pitt was told that START SOILERS Gwynth Paltrow's head END SPOILERS was in that box in the movie S-E-the numeral 7-E-N. I think it's pronounced Sesevenen. Ha! But seriously, very disappointed. 9.9.

END SPOILERS!!!