ANTICI-PANTS
by Michael Reisman & Andres du Bouchet
(performed July 9th @ Giant Tuesday Night Of Amazing Inventions And Also There Is A Game)
FRANCISCO GUGLIONI - Andres du Bouchet
BARRY SCHWARTZFARB - Michael Reisman
FRANCISCO is about to launch into a funny story when...
BARRY
Boooo!
FRANCISCO tries to continue.
BARRY
Boooo! Nobody wants to hear what you have to say!! BOO!!!!
FRANCISCO
Excuse me sir, can I help you?
BARRY
Booooo!
FRANCISCO
Ladies and gentlemen, we appear to have a heckler in our midst. I admit I am not very good at dealing with hecklers...
BARRY
I'm not heckling you, Francisco; it's your clothing. I’m saying “Booo!” to your clothes.
FRANCISCO
Who are you?
BARRY
(joining Francisco on the stage)
I'm Barry Schwartzfarb, owner of “Suit Yourself” clothing store for men, located in Passaic, New Jersey, just off Route 17. Francisco, I’ve been watching your show, and looking at you, and I’m thinking, here’s a guy with a lot of charisma, a lot of personal style, but not a lot of fashion sense.
FRANCISCO
It’s true. Joan Rivers humiliates me on a nightly basis.
BARRY
You mean on her TV show.
FRANCISCO
TV show?
BARRY
Anyway, I thought since your show is all about amazing inventions, I figured I could come up here and show you some of the clothing I invented. Specifically, some amazing pants.
FRANCISCO
Really?
BARRY
That’s right, I’ve got a new line of pants that do all sorts of amazing things. For example, the pants I’m wearing right now are called Antici-Pants. Good question, Francisco. Anticipants are pants that let you see five seconds into the future.
FRANCISCO
And what exactly are Antici-Pants? Wait a second, what just happened?
BARRY
You see how they work. I’m really excited about the – God Bless You – I’m really excited about the potential for these new Antici-Pants.
FRANCISCO sneezes.
FRANCISCO
(it hits him) Amazing! So you’re telling me that by putting on these pants I can predict the immediate future? Before this, the most amazing thing about my pants...
BARRY
(laughing hysterically)
Don’t let your wife hear you say that!
FRANCISCO
...was being able to keep them...on...
BARRY
But this is just the beginning. I’ve got a whole line of Incredipants that are going to be on the market soon, and they’re going to be Incredible. Pants. For example, there’s constipants, for long car rides. Incontipants. Fancy Pants. Tom Clancy Pants...that’s if you’re bored, lots of secret pockets, a lot of pants-related intrigue. Anti-depress-pants. If you feel like you’re not being included in things, there’s Participants.
(thinking)
Watch out Francisco!
(back to the list)
Marzipants. Those are a very good after dinner pant. Peter Pants.
BARRY slaps FRANCISCO.
FRANCISCO
What the hell was that for?
BARRY
I had a vision of you getting slapped in the face, and, uh, when it didn’t happen, I had to justify the “watch out”, so I...slapped you. So in a way, it did come true.
FRANCISCO
(smarting)
Amazing!
BARRY
What else, we got Prestidigipants. For when you want to just disappear. My brother Joel is wearing the Prestidigipants and he’s right here in the audience. Isn’t that right, Joel. Joel? Either Joel is here, and the pants work really well. Or he’s in the bathroom.
FRANCISCO
Maybe he is wearing the Inconti-pants.
BARRY
Frying Pants. Good for the winter. Nuclear Power Pants. Catamaran Pants.
BARRY starts putting on a rain slicker.
BARRY (CONT’D.)
Tokyo Japants. Hiccup Pants. Stickup Pants. Somnambupants. And here’s my favorite one, Napoleon Bonerpants.
FRANCISCO does a spit take all over BARRY.
FRANCISCO
Thank you, Barry Schwartzfarb, from Suit Yourself clothing stores.
BARRY
You're gonna like the way you look when you wear the clothes that you get from the store that I own.
Posted on July 31, 2002 |