Tern Jarblin here, Founder and CEO of Aqua-Grip Sandals! We're all over the news! And as they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity!

So, whether it's a public shower, a pebble-strewn creek bed, or the bloodslick floor of your bedroom, Aqua-Grip sandals will provide the "stark raving nude traction" that you require!

Incidentally, "stark raving nude traction" has been Aqua-Grip's catchphrase for the past eleven years, and only now does it seem unfortunate and inappropriate. We appreciate the letters and phonecalls from those of you for whom our continued use of the phrase "stark raving nude traction" has caused outrage. However, we at Aqua-Grip feel that to bow to public will in this case over one lunatic's attempts to perpetuate his world of lies by murdering his pregnant wife with a knife while she slept would simply be un-American. Did Knit Pro change their catchphrase from "eye socket accurate" after the Green Barn Slayings of 1989? I'm honestly not sure, but I don't think they did!

So whether you're sane and fully clothed, or insane and unclothed, Aqua-Grip is a name you can trust! For "stark raving nude traction."

Eh. I'll give this one a bunt single.