So, tonight's GTN is being hosted by one of history's great men of science - Ben Franklin (played by Mike Birch). As my contribution to the show, I shot off a few e-mails to Mike containing lots of random gibberish Ben Franklin could potentially say throughout the course of the evening. I don't know how much of it Mike will use, but here are all of my garbled notes in their raw, unedited, un-making-sense glory:
Maybe Franklin invented the Xbox 360, but it was useless because no one knew how to program games yet.
Or maybe he then goes on to explain that he invented "The X Box" for tic-tac-toe. Before that, Tic-Tac-Toe was all Os. Really boring game.
I invented the first ED drug! It was called "Ben Franklin's Stiffening Powder". You inhaled it through your nose. It also made you great at party conversation and an excellent first baseman.
Did you know that Thomas Edison came up with the idea for the lightbulb when he saw ME come up with the idea for flying a kite to harness electricity? He saw the lightbulb over my head and said "hey that gives me an idea!" which in turn made a lightbulb appear over his head. All he had to do then was look in the mirror and build what he saw there. That's why, to this day, all lightbulbs look like they're backwards. True story.
Actually, the first time I flew a kite, I wasn't trying to harness electricity, I was trying to harness love. Beats me.
I invented the mock turtleneck. You're welcome!
Back in my day, inventors were like rock stars. In fact, I invented the electric guitar. But back then we called it a Jew Tamer, because it's loud, harsh sounds kept the Jews at bay.
I invented an apple that has raisins inside of it instead of seeds. Except the raisins taste TERRIBLE, much worse than real raisins. So don't eat them! Eat around them and throw out the core. Well, I guess that defeats the purpose of making the apple seedless. Maybe I can sell it as a gag apple. Nah, I already have a product called the Gag Apple, and that's for something completely different! ZING!
I originally invented bifocals so that my would feet would appear bigger to me when I looked down. Oh sure, I had my hang-ups.
Nowadays no one appreciates knowledge. All you have to do is google something, or check the Wikipedia. Bah! In my day we had the Wickerpedia! It was an enormous book made out of wicker, and every time you turned a page it made a horrible creaking noise! And it only had information about three things: farming techniques, sea otters, and cumin. Yes, the spice cumin. You might know it better as that "taco flavor" you love so much! But in my day there were no tacos! Just this weird-tasting spice that people kept trying to add to oatmeal. Bleah!
I've my share of women. I was the Wilt Chamberlain of my day. I had sex with thousands of women, right through into old age I kept on plowing away. In fact, some of you are probably my descendants. I would have to say my favorite type of woman to make love to were Mexican women. They had that "why'd I put this in my oatmeal" sort of smell that just drove me crazy.
Did you know I invented the glass harmonica? Much more successful than the glass tamborine. Or the glass Gag Apple.
I told a lot of women that I had sex with that I was wearing an invisible propholactic. Of course they trusted me, I was the most famous inventor of the day! I also told them not to worry if they got pregnant, because my sperm were only capable of producing baskets of delicious chocolates. Needless to say, many a former lover was disappointed when they gave birth to a child, and not a basket of chocolates. Yes, I only made love to extremely stupid women.
Hey don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with black people. You know what, I just realized I never said anything to make you think I had a problem with black people in the first place. Okay, forget I said anything!
One of my favorite things about this era is going to the movies. Back in my day, we just watched shadow puppet shows. Just people using their hands to tell stories with shadows on the wall. My favorite show was Eagle vs. Horse. It was much better than Hawk vs. Mule or Falcon vs. Donkey. In Eagle vs. Horse, you really cared about the characters. Well, mostly the Horse. That Eagle was a real asshole.
Knock knock! (who's there)
Ben Franklin! (Ben Franklin Who)
Don't be a prick, you know who Ben Franklin is! (to audience member) HIGH FIVE! YEAH!
I want to star in my own tv show, where I play a private eye who solves crimes...WITH LIGHTNING! The finale of every episode will involve me trying to convince the bad guy to fly a kite in a storm. My sidekick will be a Native American Shaman who can conjure up storms. We'll ride together in one of those motorcycles with the little sidecar. We shall call ourselves Franklin and...um...Dances With Franklin. Thursdays at 10pm on CBS. I've given this a lot of thought. Dances With Franklin will be played by Sam Rockwell. I love that guy. I'll play myself, of course.
What's up with the Charleston Chew? Have you guys ever tried to eat one of those? It's like chocolate-covered rubber! Man, I can't stand those Charleston Chews.
(this is for later in the show, after Ben has maybe had a drink or six)
Whatever happened to Margaret Cho? I liked her. She didn't base her whole act on the fact that she was ugly. I always thought she should have married Tommy Chong. Then she'd be Margaret Cho-Chong. CHO CHONG! It's the sounds of making a lot of money underwater. Like cha-ching but. Underwater. Hey I just sold a Picasso to a flounder. Cho Chong! Ha! Who's with me? Oh man I am wasted.
Too many movies today depend on twist endings. Fuckin' Fight Club. I go to a movie now, I instantly assume that the main character and his best friend are the same guy. THEY'RE THE SAME GUY! I'll yell at the screen, THEY'RE JUST DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE SAME PSYCHE!!! BEN FRANKLIN! (to audience member) High five! I rented Tango and Cash the other day and it fucking blew my mind. They were two different guys. The whole time, it turns out they were just two different guys. Whew. Blew my fucking mind. HIGH FIVE!
One time I fucked a...I fucked a...um...nah, I won't tell that story.
I invented a lot of shit. Did you guys know I invented blowing across the top of a beer bottle to make a whistling noise? That was me, I invented that. You know that Hooooooo noise? When you...when you blow across the top of a bottle of beer? Nah not you people. You fucking people do the (makes high pitched whining noise) thing with your finger on the rim of the crystal wine glass. You're too hoity toity and cool for (makes beer bottle noise again) because you're too busy (makes high pitched wine glass noise again). Fuckin'...fuckin'....THEY'RE THE SAME GUY! I would yell. But nope, two different guys. Tango. Cop on the edge. Cash. Cop on the...a different edge. Two. Different. Fucking. Guys. BLEW MY MIND!
This one time, I pooped in a...I um...I took a big dump right...in...nah, I won't tell that story.
Pineapple! On pizza! I invented that! Who invented that? Ben Franklin! HIGH FIVE!
(singing) Come and knock on our dooooor. We've been waiting for youuuuuuu. (mumbling) Same guy. Jack. Janet. Chrissy? All different parts of the same psyche. Fuckin' Fight Club.
Urinetown. Did you guys know that that's a play on words? Original title of that show? Piss Village.
You ever not take a shower for like, three days in a row, just because you're too busy, right? Because you're too busy living and partying and FUCKing and you're just too busy, right? And then one afternoon you're sitting at your desk and and you're sitting there and you start to smell something and you're like "what's that smell?" and then you REALIZE MAN, you realize it's YOUR OWN ASS! You can smell you're own ass because you haven't washed that fucker in three days! Fuckin...fuckin Tango and Cash, man.
I invented a lot of fucking shit. Commercials where...where the guys are more into beer than into the hot chicks? When...when like, the hot chick who's come home with the guy so she can like, because she wants to FUCK the guy right because they're both drunk and they met at a club and whatever he talked a good game she's coming HOME with him, right? And she tries to open the fridge full of beer and like, a robot boxing glove like, punches her in the fucking face and she like, she fucking DIES because the guy loves his beer so much? I invented that...genre of commercials. I'm not proud of it.
I discovered a second crack. In the butt. Once. The butt doesn't have just one crack, there's a second one. It's almost impossible to find. I only found it once. I've spent so many nights trying to find it again. So many angry lovers. WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?!?!? They'd shout. But I am a man of science.
I invented the Chimichanga. Except when I first invented it, it wasn't fried, it was boiled. And it wasn't dough wrapped around meat and cheese, it was just an egg. A single, boiled, egg. I named her chimichanga.
I WILL POOP WHERE I WANT.
(to audience member) Hey what do you do for a living? (shouting over their response) BEN FRANKLIN!
Okay let's take it down. Let's...let's take it down now. I just want to say something. Something to the ladies in the audience...I am a man...who is not afraid...to put his handsome face...in ugly places. There you go. I'm just putting that on the table. Just putting my cards on the sex table. Sex cards. On the sex table. I don't need to go fish, I like my cards. I've got a good hand of sex cards. This face. Wherever you want it ladies. I'll bring a lamp.
I have a poster in my inventing studio, an inspirational poster if you will. It's a cat, dangling from a branch, and it says HANG IN THERE underneath the cat. But I've drawn a massive penis on the cat. The cat is massively endowed. Ha! I used a magic marker. And I crossed out the A and wrote in a U so it says HUNG IN THERE. And even now, just...just thinking about it I am inspired.
Posted on November 14, 2006 |