Here's one that will be useable again - in a more topical form, of course - once we start bombing the shit out of Iraq. Look for it at your local comedy nook sometime in 2003!
LOBSTER BIB PRESS CONFERENCE
(originally performed at Indigo on October 15th, 2001 - the reporters were Dan Cronin, Becky Donahue and Michael Reisman)
The Secretary of Defense solemnly takes position behind a podium, as a room full of reporters eagerly wait for their chance to ask him questions. He is dressed in a suit, plus he is also wearing a lobster bib.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Thank you all for your patience. I just have a few basic statements to make concerning the ongoing operations in Afghanistan, then I will open the floor to questions. I can now confirm that the initial wave of air strikes has been completed. We have achieved an 83.7% success rate in hitting our intended targets, with minimal civilian casualty. It is our opinion that we have effectively eliminated any anti-aircraft capabilities the Taliban had. We have also severely hampered their ability to communicate, coordinate, and carry out any ground operations. This will conclude any heavy bombing we will carry out for the time being, in favor of less frequent, specifically targeted strikes as needed. We cannot give any details as to what the next phase of operations might be, other than to say they will most certainly not be as high profile as the air strikes. We ask for your patience and understanding as this campaign progresses in the weeks and possibly months to come. That concludes my prepared statement, I will now open the floor to questions.
REPORTER #1
Can you confirm or deny reports that satellite surveillance has detected where Osama bin Laden is currently hiding out? And, if so, is he in Afghanistan?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Regrettably, I can not comment on any satellite surveillance that we may or may not be conducting. If any such information existed we would have to keep it classified so as to preserve the usefulness of said hypothetical information. Yes.
REPORTER #2
Last week the FBI issued a general warning for Americans to be cautious and alert in the days ahead, citing evidence that members of the al Qaeda network are still in this country, and are planning to conduct terrorist activities within the next week. Can you shed any more light on these suspicions? Are there any leads being investigated?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
You would have to direct that question to the Attorney General's office, and to the Federal Bureau of Investigations, but I'm sure their answers would be the same as mine - any leads that our government is in the process of investigating must remain classified, otherwise the usefulness of those leads diminishes considerably. Intelligence, information, secrecy - these are our greatest weapons against the type of threat we are now facing. Any other questions? No? Then I must be…oh, yes.
REPORTER #3
Why are you wearing a lobster bib?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Excellent question. However, I cannot comment on any purpose that this lobster bib may or may not have at this time. And if there are no more questions – yes.
REPORTER #1
Will freshly steamed lobsters somehow play a part in the war against terrorism?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
I can't comment on that.
REPORTER #2
Is it a message to the nations harboring terrorists, like “terrorism will be pulled from its shell, dipped in hot, melted butter and then eaten and washed down with a dry white wine like maybe a Chardonnay?”
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
No comment.
REPORTER #3
Is it some sort of symbol of solidarity, like "we must cooperate, for we are all lobsters in the great pot of life?"
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
That's very interesting. No comment.
REPORTER #1
Is it a clue to the American people, that we must defend ourselves from terrorists with nutcrackers, and tiny, tiny forks?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
If the American people wish to outfit themselves with nutcrackers and tiny forks, there is nothing stopping them, but I can’t comment on how that would pertain, if at all, to this lobster bib.
REPORTER #2
You just forgot to take it off, didn't you?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Excuse me?
REPORTER #2
You were eating a lobster dinner right before this press conference, and you forgot to take it off. Now you're trying to cover up your faux pas by pretending that it has something to do with the current situation in Afghanistan.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Okay, good. That's exactly right. Oh man, I can't believe I forgot to take it off. How embarrassing. Any other questions?
REPORTER #3
So take it off.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
What?
REPORTER #3
Take it off, since it was just a faux pas and everything.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Oh sure, sure. I'll take it off right after this press conference.
REPORTER #1
So it IS something secret! Why are you, the Secretary of Defense of the United States of America, wearing a lobster bib at a press conference during a time of war? What could it possibly be for?!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
As I said, I can't comment on the bib, other than to say, yes, it is a lobster bib.
REPORTER #2
Is it really a lobster bib, or is it some sort of protective device designed to just look like a lobster bib? Is there something the American people should know?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
What, like this is a radiation shield or something?
REPORTER #3
OH MY GOD! Where can we get these radiation shields designed to look like lobster bibs?!
REPORTER #1
Do they make radiation shields with other designs or slogans, like "Kiss The Chef"?!?!
REPORTER #2
I want one of those, I'm a great chef!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
People, calm down. It’s not a radiation shield.
REPORTER #3
Is the bib a sign that we have become allies with the Giant Lobster People From Space?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Give me a break. Look, if we were allies with the Giant Lobster People from space, do you think I’d wear a lobster bib?
REPORTER #1
Are you saying that the Giant Lobster People From Space are our enemies?!?!
REPORTER #3
Aigh! (he screams repeatedly and runs out of the bar)
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Oh for Chrissakes, don’t you think that if the Giant Lobster People From Space were our enemies, we would have been wiped out by now by their superior…wait a minute. There are no Giant Lobster People From Space.
REPORTER #2
Are you saying that the Giant Lobster People are from Earth? Were they spawned from the massive amounts of chemicals we’ve dumped into our precious oceans?!?!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Dammit! There are no Lobster People of any kind! This is ridiculous. Please. Let me be clear. There is a very good reason that I am wearing the (points to the bib and whistles). But as I said earlier, it is top secret. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I have more business to attend to.
REPORTER #1
Okay wait a second! Just now you pointed to it and whistled instead of actually saying what it was. Does that mean we're not even allowed to say the words lobster-
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Shh!
REPORTER #1
Not even allowed to say lob-
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Shh!
REPORTER #2
But all he’s trying to say is lob-
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Shh! Sorry, I was just dickin’ you around. Lobster bib. There, I said it. I don't know why I just pointed at it and whistled before. No particular reason. Yes.
REPORTER #1
Why are you wearing a lobster bib?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Let me be clear. This is just a lobster bib. As for the purpose of the lobster bib, please understand that it must remain classified as to why I am wearing it, but I am wearing it intentionally, and there is a very good reason that I am wearing it. As the President stated, there will be things our country is doing to fight terrorism that will be made public, and there will be tactics that simply must remain secret. I am wearing this bib for secret reasons. In the days and weeks ahead, you may see Condoleeza Rice constantly eating frozen yogurt. Secret. You may see Secretary of State Colin Powell giving the finger to dogs a lot. Secret. You may see Dick Cheney laughing at something with what looks to be a genuine laugh at first, and then slowly becomes recognizable as a sarcastic kind of "fuck you" laugh. Secret. And so forth. You must simply have faith that this government knows what it’s doing, and is taking the necessary steps to continue our assault on terrorism. Patient justice. Make no mistake. We are smoking them out of their holes. Now, I must be going.
He drops his pants and shuffles off stage, or one of a handful of other "wacky" things I tried to end the sketch - any suggestions?
Posted on August 25, 2002 |