(this bit was in my Hilarilogues solo show a couple of weeks ago)
Okey doke there folks put a stake in it, settle down! Let's cut to the chase. You've got two puncture wounds on your neck, you're feeling kinda woozy, and you staggered here as if under the power of some internal compass you can't bear to comprehend. Oh, and holy shit did you eat a rat on the way here? Yeah. Yeah, you probably did. Well, fear not, I'm here to guide you through what can be a scary process! Welcome to orientation.
[slide 1]
SO YOU'VE BEEN TURNED!
New Vampire Orientation
June 2006
Murray Peterson, Turnee Counselor
Alright calm down. It’s true – you are now vampires. I'm gonna get you through this. My name is Murray Peterson, and I am indeed your Turnee Counselor. It's my job to get you acclimated to your new undead life. A little bit about me. I’ve been a vampire since 1998 when my current wife jumped me behind a dumpster in the parking lot of a 7 eleven. I am the Lord of the Vampires! For the Central Minnesota Chapter of the Vampires of North America. I own and operate my own successful chain of after hours tire realignment centers in Regan, Minnesota and the surrounding tri-county area. So you see, being a vampire doesn’t mean you can’t have a career. It just means your career has to be compatible with nighttime hours and yes, that inconvenient unholy craving for blood.
You're going to go through an initial period of adjustment. Some vampires call it "No More Mornings Sickness". Heh. Eh? No? Okay whatever, a lot crowds laugh at that. Ahem. Now, this sudden change produces several reactions in the new vampire, what I call the Five Stages of Turning.
[slide 2]
THE FIVE STAGES OF 'TURNING'
1. Ow. Hey! OW!
2. Ahhh. Jesus fuckinnnnnnghugh. Glugh.
3. No, no, no.
4. OhGODno. NO!
5. Hey I’m thirsty but in a weird way.
Most of you are here at stage 5.
So right now, you should all be thirsty, but in a weird way. Okay, you're a vampire - what are some of the perks and drawbacks of being a vampire? Some of the pluses and minuses? The yings and yangs? The ups and downs? well...
[slide 3]
PERKS
Stronger & Faster
Control rodents and insects
Tech savvy
Turn into a fine mist
Know if a movie will be any good based solely on its trailer
Anticipate when someone is going to give you the finger so you can give them the finger first
Aspelund
lots of shelf space
easily modifiable
3 great stains
Poop Nutella
DRAWBACKS
Daylight
Crucifixes
Holy Water
Need to be invited everywhere
Telemarketers
Silver and garlic do nothing! (Have fun with that)
Stake through heart
Poems about babies, puppies and cookies will trap you in a mirror
Until wolf pees on mirror
Can’t time revolving doors
Don’t get sarcasm
Eternal War vs. Leprechauns
Poop Nutella
So, let's see here. We're stronger and faster than humans, but daylight will disintegrate us. We can control rodents and insects, but crucifixes give us terrible jalapeno-scented gas. We're more tech savvy than humans but holy water burns our skin. We can turn into a fine mist. More of a spritz, really. Can be very refreshing and a fun way to ambush humans (wait 'til you get a load of their face when they think they're spraying some Obsession on their neck and BOOM! instant vampire). But we need to be invited everywhere - thankfully there's eVites nowadays. Okay, we can tell if a movie is any good based solely on the movie's trailer - more useful than it sounds folks! You'll save a lot of money with this skill. Hey, I didn't see 'Poseidon', did you? On the flip side, a stake through the heart will destroy. Heh. I mean, it would've killed you when you were human too. I don't know why we're so fixated on the whole stake through the heart thing. Huh. Anyway...silver and garlic do nothing so have fun with that. "Aaaah garlic noooo!" and then you give a little smile and jump 'em. REARGH! Again, the looks on their faces. Priceless. Standing there with a big garland of garlic. Silly. Okay...huh. I'm not sure why this is here. Oh, I see. I used to work for IKEA, this must be left over from a previous presentation. Well, as long as it's here, Aspelund is indeed a great shelving system. It gives you lots of shelf space, it's easily modifiable, and it comes in three great stains. Uh, let's see here we don't get sarcasm, we have trouble timing revolving doors (always get stuck), there's the eternal war vs. the Leprechauns and here's a couple of doozies - we MUST be polite to telemarketers and buy whatever it is they're selling. Don't believe me? I've got an entire cupboard full of 'All In The Family' commemorative "Hey Meathead!" plates that say otherwise. Also, poems about babies, puppies and cookies will trap us in a mirror. If the poem is about babies and puppies? We're fine. Puppies and cookies? No prob. Babies and cookies? No sweat. But if the poem is about all three things - babies, puppies, AND cookies, we will be trapped in a mirror until such time as a wolf urinates on that mirror. Hey, I don't make the rules folks. I put 'Poop Nutella' on both lists, since I guess it all depends on how you feel about Nutella. It's like a Scandinavian hazelnut spread. Anyway, you'll see.
Alright let’s talk about the 800 pound gorilla in the room. So you need to suck on blood to survive. Fine. Remember these three basic steps of subduing a human:
[slide 4]
Boo. Woo. Chew. Or BWiC. Easy to remember because BWiC is the sound a neck makes when you break it. BWiC!
1. Boo! The element of surprise.
2. Woo. Woo the victim. Get them under your spell.
3. Chew. Sink those teeth in and stark sucking.
Alright, let’s do a quick demonstration. Who wants to volunteer to help me out here? Okay good. What is your name. And how long have you been a vampire? Probably just a few hours. That’s okay. Alright, we’re going to do some roleplaying here. I will play myself. Murray Peterson. Vampire. And you’re going to play an unsuspecting human. Okay. Let’s pretend we’re at a bar and you’ve just gone off the ladies room. Boo! I surprise her! How odd to find a man in the ladies room? Woo! Hey I like your homemade jewelry and the particular outfit you’re wearing highlights your best physical attributes and covers up the physical imperfections you are most self-conscious about in the exact manner you had hoped. Boom. She’s under my spell. Okay. And then lastly – chew. I won’t do that here because when a vampire tastes another vampire’s blood it feels like chewing aluminum foil. Bleah.
So you're thinking to yourself "Oh no I'm a vampire, I'm a freak, I'm so unique and alone in this world oh no blah blah blah put a stake in it. Look at all these famous vampires. You're in good company:
[slide 5]
FAMOUS VAMPIRES
Count Dracula
Count Chocula
Count Blackula
Scott Backula
Scott Blackula
Jack Blackula
Clint Blackula
John Cusackula
Robert Stackula
Bernie Macula
Shaqula
Jack Kerouacula
Cyrano de Bergeracula
Kim Novakula
Kevin Pollackula
Vic Taybackula
Elizabeth Hasselbackula
Historical / Political Figures
- Caligulacula
- Balzacula
- Jacques Chiracula
- Hosni Mubarakula
Bands / Musicians
- Johan Sebastian Bachula
- Burt Bacharachula
- Massive Attackula
- The Knackula
- Roberta Flackula
- Fleetwood Macula
- Metallicacula
Pat Sajakula
Johnny Depp
Angelina Jolie
David Bowie (lord of all vampires)
Basically, any name you can add – ula to, chances are they’re a vampire. And yes, David Bowie is our overlord. All hail David Bowie.
[slide 6
FAQula
www.normalwebsite.com
Any more questions, you can find a list of frequently asked questions, or as I like to call it the FAQula. Little pun I put in there for fun. At normalwebsite.com.
Okay folks that’s all the time I have. I got another orientation coming up at another theater down the block. Remember, stay out of the sun and BWiC! Ooh and if you’re ever in Minnesota and need your tires realigned, come to Peterson’s! My unholy craving for blood is matched only by my unholy craving for savings! Good luck new vampires!
Posted on June 26, 2006 |