America's Next Top Salad
"Cobb salad. You...are...tossed."
Are You Taller Than A Lesbian?
The answer may surprise you!
Project: Cashews
"I like it, but what does it have to do with cashews? Make it work."
Fart Court
Who smelt it? Who dealt it? "Odor in the court!"
Who Does Danny Bonaduce Want To Have Sex With Twice?
30 women. Danny Bonaduce will have sex with a different woman each night for 30 nights. At the end of the month, he will decide which woman with whom he would like to have sex a second time.
Phenumnumnum
From master of illusion Criss Angel, who brought us the hit magic reality show 'Phenomenon', it's 'Phenumnumnum', the first reality show entirely about eating peanut butter! (it really sells it when you hear how I pronounce 'phenumnumnum' (okay maybe not)).
Amercia's Least Eventful Speeding Tickets
OFFICER - Do you know how fast you were going?
DRIVER - No officer.
OFFICER - 79. In a 65 zone.
DRIVER - Oh. Huh.
OFFICER - Yeah, so I'm going to have to write you up a ticket.
DRIVER - Mmm hmm.
(lengthy pause)
OFFICER - Here's your ticket.
DRIVER - Okay.
OFFICER - Drive safe.
DRIVER - Thank you officer.
(EVERY WEEK!)
Men With Terrible Gaydar House
20 men. 5 are gay and out of the closet. 5 are gay and in the closet. 5 are straight and homophobic. 5 are straight but bi-curious. And ALL of them have terrible gaydar! Get ready for fighting, crying, and fucking - and every combination thereof! In 'Men With Terrible Gaydar House'!
The Real Housewives Of Loch Ness
"Like, Tiffany says she's seen the monster, but like, we all know she's just saying that to get under the skin of Slade's new trophy wife." Yes, idiots talk that way around the globe! Even in Scotland!
Butler Pirates
What happens when real butlers are forced to be fake pirates? Manners ahoy!
Joe 12-inch Cock That Ejaculates Gold Coins And Fire Ants
Remember Joe Millionaire? All those women competing for the love of a man who they think is a millionaire? But it turned out he wasn't? Well now they're competing for a guy who they've been told has a 12-inch cock that ejaculates gold coins and fire ants. They'll be thinking - "I know I'm being lied to in some way. I sure hope it's the part about the fire ants. If he has a 12-inch cock that only ejaculates gold coins, I will have hit the jackpot! Literally! Even if his cock is only 4 inches long, I'll still love him. As long as it still ejaculates gold coins. If his cock is only four inches long and only ejaculates fire ants, I will feel betrayed!" The twist is that the guy's cock is 7 inches and actually just ejaculates pennies and raisinettes. I hope you like making wishes at fountains and going to the movies, lady! Boing.
Who Wants To Guess The Distance Between Maggie Gyllenhall's Eyes?
No one. That's why this show will never exist.
Nanny 311
CALLER - Yes, I'm calling to find out when to put my recyclables outside?
NANNY - Que?
CALLER - Bottles and cans, when do I -
NANNY - You need bottle?
CALLER - No I -
NANNY - Que?
A-hole Ghost Doctor
Does he exist? If so, can he heal these B-level celebs? And if he can, will he choose to? After all, he's an a-hole! Now that's how you get people to watch a room full of schmucks doing nothing!
"I Said Bake It, Faggots!"
Only for stations in the deep south. Two artsy, unathletic teen males are forced to compete in a bake-off at gunpoint. The winner gets to move to Brooklyn and never speak to his family again.
Principal Radiohead
What happens when Radiohead is made principal of a NYC public elementary school? Avant-discipline!
Brady, Brady y Los Bradys!
NFL star Tom Brady, improv wiz Wayne Brady, and #1 Spanish-speaking Brady Bunch tribute theater troupe Los Bradys um...compete. They can't all be gems!
My Microphone Is A Carrot
HOST - Let's take some calls on America's #1 call-in talkshow, My Microphone Is A Carrot. Caller, you're on the air.
CALLER - Hello?
HOST - Go ahead, caller.
CALLER - Hello, am I on?
HOST - You're live, on My Microphone Is A Carrot. Go ahead.
CALLER- Hello? Am...hello?
HOST - You are live on My Microphone Is A Carrot caller, what's on your mind?
CALLER - Am I on? I can't tell if I'm...hello?
HOST - Go ahead caller.
CALLER - Hello?
HOST - You are live on MMIAC!
(long pause)
HOST & CALLER SIMULTANEOUSLY - Hello?
HOST - Go ahead caller.
CALLER - Hello am I on?
HOST - Caller, you are on the air!
CALLER - (to someone in background) I can't tell if I'm on the air.
HOST - Caller, you are live on My Microphone Is A Carrot!
CALLER - (to someone in the background still) Do you think...do you think his microphone is really a carrot and that's why I can't hear him?
PERSON IN BACKGROUND OF CALL - Then how can we hear him on tv?
CALLER - Yeah, that's fucked up. (hangs up)
HOST - Okay, let's go to line #2!
Take A Schmuck At Their Word And Re-enact It
Oh wait, that's what all those paranormal shows already are.
Hang-Gliding Douchebags
"Hey lady, you're so fat that from up here, you don't look like an ant. You just look like a very far away fat person!"
Celebrity Uno
Who Wants To Marry An Explosion?
Oprah Two
Kids Say The Most Inaccurate Things
Let's Count Butts!
Ski-Bear Squaredance Quiz
Waiting For A Lobster To Talk
Men With Terrible Gaydar Bus!
Stock Prices Drawn On Tits
Fast Food Drive-Thru Communication Breakdowns Resulting In Unintentional Prostitution
exeunt
Posted on January 14, 2008 |