[miming phone]
...yeah, it's like I told that balloon juggling act - "I don't care how many balloons you can juggle at once, no one wants to see juggling that slow!" What? I don't care if it is hacky, if I want to make my entrance having a fake conversation on an imaginary cell phone, then that's what I'm gonna do! Apology accepted. Alright. You too. Goodbye, the band Coldplay!
Helloooo Moonwork! Happy New Year! My name is Karl Management. I am the founder and senior manager of my own talent agency: Management Talent Management. Perhaps you're familiar with our slogan: "Management Talent Management - if you've got talent to manage, let Management Talent Management manage your talent. If not, I'm sure you'll manage!"
My clients include B, C, and D level clients such as:
Danny Bonaduce
Adult film actress Sexualica Bonertaster
And of course, famous children's band 'The Nurples'.
Anyway, as many of you are aware, all of show business is currently in the grip of a crippling, devastating, soul-crushing, bowel-mangling clusterfuck of shitfuck fuckshitting shitstorms called 'The Writer's Strike'. And as a talent manager who makes his living by asking his clients what jobs they've gotten lately and then requesting 15% of their earnings from those jobs, my very livelihood is at stake. Now, I have it from inside sources that the strike is never going to end. Never. And therefore, all of television is going to consist of live sporting events, commercials, infomercials and that's right...REALITY TV! So, with that in mind, I have stormed my brain and come up with concepts, ideas, PITCHES if you will, for 50 new reality tv shows. And at the risk of trying your patience I would like to run them all by you now. If I can sell just one of these, packaged maybe with a few of my clients, then BOOM goodbye talent agency hello production company. Okay here we go:
AMERICA'S NEXT TOP SALAD - Cobb salad. You...are...tossed.
ARE YOU TALLER THAN A LESBIAN? - the answer may surprise you!
PROJECT: CASHEWS - (Tim Gunn voice) I like it, but what does it have to do with cashews? Make it work.
FART COURT - Who smelt it? Who dealt it? "Odor in the court!" Get it? Odor in the court? And we're only on #4 here.
WHO DOES DANNY BONADUCE WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH TWICE? - 30 women. Danny Bonaduce will have sex with a different one of them each night for 30 nights. At the end of the month, he will decide which woman with whom he'd like to have sex a second time.
PHENUMNUMNUM - From master of illusion Cris Angel, who brought us the magic reality show 'Phenomenon', comes Phenumnumnum, the first reality show entirely about eating peanut butter.
JOE 12 INCH COCK THAT EJACULATES GOLD COINS AND FIRE ANTS - From the creators of that classic reality hit 'Joe Millionaire', it's 'Joe 12 INCH COCK THAT EJACULATES GOLD COINS AND FIRE ANTS!' Just like Joe Millionaire, the women will go into it assuming that they're being lied to, but they won't know which part is the lie! They'll be thinking: "Okay, I know I'm being lied to in some way. I sure hope it's the part about the fire ants. If Joe actually has a twelve-inch cock that only ejaculates gold coins, well, then I will have hit the jackpot. Pun intended. (slot machine motion) Even if he only had a four-inch cock, I'll still be happy. As long as it ejaculates gold coins. If he had a four-incher that only ejaculates fire ants? Well, then I would feel betrayed." Ha! Here's the twist - what the women don't know is that Joe actually just has a seven inch cock that ejaculates pennies and raisinettes!
AMERICA'S MOST UNEVENTFUL SPEEDING TICKETS - we can fill up hours of airtime with this crap. Do you know how fast you were going? No. Too fast. Okay. Here's your ticket. Okay. Nothing ever happens!
GAYDAR BUS - We've filled a bus with people who think they're gifted at telling who's gay and who's not gay, and we're touring the country. (magic bus) Whoaaah gaydar bus!
MEN WITH TERRIBLE GAYDAR HOUSE - Half of them are gay. Half of them are homophobic. And all of them have terrible gaydar.
YACHT FIGHT
TWO GIRLS ONE CUP REACTION MARATHON
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF LOCH NESS - (valley girl) "Like, Tiffany says she's seen the creature but I totally don't believe her." Yes, wives in Scotland talk that way!
OPRAH TWO - She looks like Oprah. She sounds like Oprah. Oprah Two!
FUNNIEST WILL PRANKS - Just kidding, he didn't leave you anything!
WAITING FOR A LOBSTER TO TALK - Not sure why I wrote that down. It would be a boring show.
BROTHEL IN A TREEHOUSE
WHO WANTS TO GUESS THE DISTANCE IN CENTIMETERS BETWEEN MAGGIE GYLLENHALL'S EYES??? I know the answer, it's a frightening number!
I'm just riffing now!
WHO WANTS TO MARRY AN EXPLOSION? What the hell would that even entail?
KIDS SAY THE MOST INACCURATE THINGS - Pasketti? What the hell is pasketti? And all the crap you just said about the Revolutionary War is completely inaccurate!
CELEBRITY UNO
LET'S COUNT BUTTS
NAKED WOMEN'S BREASTS ON WHICH WE'VE DRAWN TODAY'S STOCK PRICES
DELI MEAT ROAD SHOW - now you say you bought this bologna for 3.99 a pound, but did you know that it's actually worth 4.19 a pound?
MY MICROPHONE IS A CARROT - Caller you're on the air, go ahead. Hello? Go ahead caller, you're live on My Microphone Is A Carrot. Hello? Go ahead caller. Hello am I on the air? Caller, go ahead, you are on the air on America's #1 Reality Call-in show, my microphone is a carrot. Hello? I can't tell if I'm on the air. Hello, anyone there?. Caller you are Live on the air! Hello? Well, next caller. We're taking live calls here on My Microphone Is A Carrot.
A-HOLE GHOST DOCTOR - Does he exist? And if so, can he heal these C-level celebs? And if he can, will he choose to? After all, might he be an a-hole? See? THAT'S how you get people to watch a room full of people doing nothing!
GAY BAKE-OFF
GABE ACHE-OFF
GAY BAY COUGH
in the south, we call it BAKE THIS, FAGGOT
DOG PALACE - a real elizabethean palace staffed by dogs
CELEBRITY GUITAR HERO
BRADY Y LOS BRADYS - the #1 Spanish-speaking Brady Bunch tribute theater troupe competes against NFL star Tom Brady in a
BUTLER PIRATES - What happens when real butlers are forced to be fake pirates?
(black lady) MMM HMM. - 100 secretaries compete for $100,000 as they try to out-sarcasm each other.
PONY WEIGH-OFF
CELEBRITY SLOT MACHINE (ADDICTS)
ROCCO SIFFREDI
IRON TAXIDERMIST
SKIING WITH BEARS!
RETARDED LIFEGUARDS
NANNY 411 - Yes, when are recyclables collected? Que? Bottles and cans and stuff, when should I put them out on the curb? You need bottle?
PRINCIPAL RADIOHEAD - the avant garde British rock band runs an elementary school!
MARRYING ZOD
ABORTIONS
PASTA
SNAKES
PICNIC
CUNT
DOG
WHISPERER
IRON
CHEF
Posted on January 12, 2008 |