A former boss would announce his intentions to go to the men's room while holding up a newspaper. "I'm going to be gone for a bit, so please answer my line and take messages." He would then slap the newspaper with his other hand and point to it, in order to emphasize the purpose and duration of his impending visit to the bathroom:

SLAP. "I'll be gone for a while." SLAP. "Got it?"

Did he really need to be so explicit? I wonder. If his desire was to simply communicate that for the next several minutes, he was going to be shitting and reading, then no. No, he really didn't need to be so explicit. But what if he was getting at something else?

"Look everybody! This is what I'm going to use to wipe my ass. Not the toilet paper our company provides, but THIS. The New York Times. Specifically, the 'Sports' section and the 'Circuits' section. Why? Because we're all in this together, right? Long hours, tough clients, big projects people. You're bustin' your asses for me, so it's only fair I do the same." SLAP. "Just to reiterate. Wipin' my ass with a newspaper." SLAP.

I doubt it. Or what if he was simply enjoying a moment of unfettered ego?

"Hey. Hey! Check it out." SLAP. "I'm gonna make headlines in there!"

As if somehow, the daily moving of his bowels would shape the world around us. Or what if I write this now:

"Hey people. Hey!" SLAP. "The only thing I enjoy more than doing the doody," SLAP, "is FINISHING the doody. You know? Like in the commercial? Except instead of the crossword being the thing I'm doing slash finishing, it's a doody." SLAP. "Alright forget I said any of that."

Or how about I take a nap? I need one. It was a fun 4th weekend, but I am pooped. POOPED, I say. Ah yes, full circle.