HERE'S SOMETHING THAT FITS MY MOOD RIGHT NOW...
Rod Pornocopter
(10.09.01 @ PSNBC)
I am a very good looking man.
I am better looking than you.
And you.
My God, I am so much better looking than ALL of you.
I am also very wealthy.
I make much more money than any of you. Yes I do.
I am great in bed.
I am a better lover than any of you. Trust me.
I am smarter than all of you.
I am better than all of you.
Fuck you you stupid asholes, fuck you. FUCK YOU.
Okay I'm going to start over here (give finger to audience house left)
and move this way...(continue giving finger as I pan the audience)
And dismount.
So how is everybody tonight?
Alright, alright, alright, now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "who the hell IS this guy, and what the hell does he think he's doing up there?"
Fair enough. I can answer both of those questions.
As [host] said, my name is Rod Pornocopter, and what I am doing up here right now is called Masturboasting, which is basically short for masturbatory boasting. It's my own patented technique for feeling better about myself, and by the end of this lecture, it is going to become your technique as well. Why?
Because my masturboasting technique is based on one core principle that, as New Yorkers, we have all adopted already. And that core principle is this: Everyone except for me is a stupid asshole.
C’mon, admit it, you’re always thinking it, and I’m here to tell you that it’s time to put that fundamental disrespect for everyone else to work. For you. For you.
Not for you, but definitely for you. To make you money. To get you a better job. To improve your gardening skills. To get you laid by that..person whom you want to get laid by but who, until now, has not provided such layage to you. To improve your grammar. To help ease your highly irrational fear of the eohippus – it’s a prehistoric horse! It’s extinct! Even if it were alive today, it would be no bigger than a cocker spaniel! Some shin pads would pretty much eliminate any danger…To kill your roommate. That’s right, to kill your Goddamn roommate and to get away with it. Yeah, there's a smile. There's that smile I was looking for. To Help You Find Happiness in a WORLD THAT IS ABSOLUTELY CHOCK FULL OF STUPID ASSHOLES! Who’s with me? I said, who’s with me?! Okay, you stupid fuckers, listen up.
There are some who claim that my masturboasting program is a tad…cynical. Well fuck them. Hard. With something inappropriate. In an equally inappropriate orifice. I’ll let you be the judge of just how cynical my program is.
The first step of my Masturboasting program is very simple. You must accept the fundamental truth that everyone except for you is a stupid asshole.
Then, you have to ask yourself "What can all these stupid assholes do for me?"
Well, you're in luck. They may be assholes, but they're also stupid. And stupid people can be very useful if you know the right techniques to getting along with them.
First technique. Always agree with everything the stupid assholes say. I'll show you how it works. Excuse me, what is your favorite color?
I agree! That color you just mentioned is also my favorite color as well.
Second technique. Don't actually listen to anything the stupid assholes say. Excuse me, could you please tell me what time it is? Really? If you say so, I guess I agree that it is a bazillion 'o clock.
You can have fun with that one. For example, just now I wasn’t listening at all. Instead, I was daydreaming about a hot dog repeatedly going in and out of a donut. Except it wasn’t a hot dog, it was my penis. And it wasn’t a donut, it was Kirsten Dunst’s vagina. (thinks) No wait, it WAS a donut. Kinky!
Third technique. Compliment those stupid assholes! Lou, this show rocks! Hey, do you like the band Radiohead? I agree, they rock. How much time do I have left? A bazillion minutes? Thanks, you rock! Asshole.
See? I have no idea at all of what we were just talking about, but I feel great! During that entire interaction, I was daydreaming about a porpoise jumping through a hoola-hoop. Except it wasn’t a porpoise, it was my penis. And it wasn’t a hoola-hoop, it was a soft cotton tubesock that had just been lightly dipped in extra virgin olive oil and then microwaved for twenty seconds. Twenty seconds is all you need, fellas, anything more and you’ll turn your dick into a chimichanga. Trust me on this one. TRUST ME.
Now, once you’ve accepted that everyone is a stupid asshole, and once you’ve learned how to interact with those stupid assholes, you can truly begin masturboasting. You can start with the basics like “I am pretty decent looking”, or “I can get through a day at my desk job without crying.” But then you can move on to more advanced masturboasting.
Here’s one of my favorite advanced masturboasts - “I can control the pass routes of NFL wide receivers by transmitting precise, morse-code contractions from my anus. Why don’t those NFL wide receivers respond to my anal transmissions? Simple. They don’t know morse-code.” See? The logic is infallible. It’s an airtight masturboast.
At this point you’re probably sold on the whole concept of masturboasting. I can’t blame you. “Everyone’s a stupid asshole, I don’t have to listen to anyone, I can say whatever the hell I want, I can daydream about perverted sex, I can convince myself that my anus can transmit morse code”, it really is a recipe for happiness. But this Rod Pornocopter guy – he really is a stupid asshole.”
If that’s what you’re thinking, then congratulations, you’re well on your way to grasping and utilizing my program. And when I say “my program”, I mean “my penis.”
Do you want to know more about masturboasting? About how to deal with all of the stupid assholes around you? In other words, everybody in the whole world? It's all in my new book, "How to Find Happiness in a World Full of Stupid Assholes. You Stupid Asshole. By me. Rod Pornocopter."
What do you get when you buy my book? You get a random book that I’ve stolen from a local Barnes & Noble, with a handwritten note taped to the front. In this case, we have the Simon & Schuster Encyclopedia of Dinosaurs and Prehistoric Animals. Where do you think I got the Eohippus information? It’s a tiny fucking horse, people.
What else do you get when you buy my book? You get this audio recording of Italian porn star Rocco Siffredi repeatedly trying to recite the entire McDonald’s Big Mac jingle without ejaculating. Let’s listen.
How much is my book? My book costs $345. Why do I think that people will pay $345 for my book? If you’ve been listening, you know the answer. And if you haven’t been listening, good for you! You are well on your way to grasping and utilizing my program. And when I say “my program”, I mean fuck you, you stupid assholes! Fuck you and goodnight! Fuck you.
Posted on August 15, 2002 |