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Roller Sorkin!

The very funny Amanda Melson came up with this idea for GTN, and was nice enough to let me take a crack at writing it:

FRANCISCO
Ladies and gentlemen, our first guests willl be performing for us throughout tonight's show. They combine the exciting action of rollerskating with the intense dialogue of the television dramas by Aaron Sorkin. It is my pleasure to bring you - Roller Sorkin!

[Birch, Ann and Melson emerge from the curtains by the entrance to the theater]

BIRCH
Hey folks, we're Roller Sorkin.

MELSON
There's only one thing more exciting than arguing while walking!

ANN
And that's arguing while rolling!

BIRCH
The West Wing. Season Two. Episode Eight!

ANN, MELSON & BIRCH
Ready? Okay!

[Birch and Melson begin to skate up and down the theater aisle while Ann dances in place]

MELSON
Did you read McIntyre's speech?

BIRCH
She said I was "boorish".

MELSON
You need to read the speech.

BIRCH
What does Boorish mean anyway?

MELSON
Boorish means ill-mannered. You didn't read the speech did you.

BIRCH
I'm not ill-mannered.

MELSON
Yes you are. Case in point, you said you would read the speech and you didn't.

BIRCH
I don't need to read the speech.

MELSON
Why not?

BIRCH
I wrote it.

ANN, MELSON & BIRCH
Roller Sorkin!

---

FRANCISCO
Ladies and Gentlemen, once again give it up for Roller Sorkin!

BIRCH
Sports Night. Season One. Episode Three!

ANN, MELSON & BIRCH
Ready? Okay!

[Birch and Ann skate while Melson dances in place]

ANN
Giants got trounced tonight.

BIRCH
No they didn't. Why aren't you allowed in Nobu?

ANN
What do you mean they didn't? I edited the piece, they lost 34-14.

BIRCH
The game went into overtime. What happened at Nobu? Did you cause a scene?

ANN
Overtime but how? I don't cause scenes.

BIRCH
Gee, I guess the Giants tied it. You do so cause scenes.

ANN
I don't cause scenes. I need to re-edit the piece.

BIRCH
I'll re-edit the piece if you tell me why you're not allowed in Nobu.

ANN
Ask Karen.

BIRCH
I'm sorry about your mother.

ANN, MELSON & BIRCH
Roller Sorkin!

---

FRANCISCO
Let's hear it one more time for Roller Sorkin!

BIRCH
Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. Season One. Episode Six!

[Ann and Melson skate while Birch dances in place]

ANN
Did you read the Crazy Christians sketch?

MELSON
I haven't done any drugs in three months.

ANN
What about the Born-Again Bowling* sketch?

MELSON
I haven't had so much as a poppyseed bagel.

ANN
Did you read the Retarded Republicans sketch?

MELSON
Who the hell told them I was doing coke?

ANN
How about the Pro-Life Lifeguards sketch?

MELSON
Why should they care anyway as long as the show's funny?

ANN
Did you read the Church Shmurch sketch?

MELSON
This show is the single most important show in the history of television and they're obsessing over what I may or may not be putting up my nose or in my veins it's horsesh-

ANN
Please tell me you at least read the Church Smurch sketch!

MELSON
I don't need to read the Church Smurch sketch.

ANN
Why not?

MELSON
I wrote it.

ANN
Why aren't you allowed in Wolfgang Pucks?

SQUIGGY**
Hello Laverne!

ANN, MELSON & BIRCH
Roller Sorkin!

*Born-Again Bowling by Kevin Maher
**Not actually in sketch.

Posted on October 09, 2006