I'm sitting here in the basement of the Gene Frankel THeatatatatatatater at a computer with a truly fucked up keyboard, listening to theheheheheheh actors reheaarse tonight's SNR in the background, , , , , , ,and as always, I am truly sorry. This might have potential with another couple of passes, but this is what t6hey're sttuck with:;
The MURDERERZONE!
By Andres du Bouchet
For 7/17/2005 SNR
INT.- A HOSPITAL ROOM
SFX.- VARIOUS HOSPITAL BEEPS, BREATHING APPARATUS, ETC.
A doctor leads four medical students into the room, where a man lies in a coma.
DOCTOR
(consulting his chart on a clipboard) Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Okay medical students, gather ‘round. Here we have a very unique patient. This man is the sole survivor of yesterday’s terrible plane, train and boat crash.
STUDENT 1
A plane, train, and boat all crashed? How is that possible?
STUDENT 2
Did the plane lose fuel, attempt a crash landing in the ocean, and accidentally hit the boat?
STUDENT 3
Hmm. That sounds plausible, but how does the train enter the picture then?
STUDENT 2
Oh, right.
STUDENT 1
Did the plane crash into a bridge at the exact moment that a train was crossing it and a boat was going underneath it?
The four students all murmur their agreement - “oh yes, that makes sense, good thinking”, etc.
STUDENT 4
Maybe the train was carrying the boat?
STUDENT 3
Shut up.
DOCTOR
You’re all wrong. The plane didn’t crash, it was simply caught in a strong downdraft which caused it to lose altitude. At the same time, a train directly underneath it passed over a dormant volcano which suddenly erupted, catapulting the train thousands of feet into the air, smashing it right into the plane.
STUDENT 1
And the boat?
The doctor consults the chart again.
DOCTOR
My mistake. There was no boat.
STUDENT 4
You said there was a boat.
STUDENT 3
Shut up.
DOCTOR
Nope - I misread the chart. I mistook the word “volcano” for the word “boat.”
Awkward glances between students.
DOCTOR (continued)
Anyway, this man is the only survivor. He’s suffered some mild trauma to the psychic vision portion of his brain, so we can only hope he’ll awaken without any strange and disturbing psychic powers. Let me just reach down here and take his pulse…
As the doctor reaches down to take the patient’s pulse, he wakes up, grabs the doctor by the wrist and screams…
PATIENT
Murderer. Murderer!
STUDENT 1
You heard him! His injury has given him the power to see into the future of whomever he touches! Doctor Smith is going to murder someone!
STUDENT 2
I’m an undercover cop and you’re under arrest!
Student 2 grabs the doctor and begins putting handcuffs on him.
DOCTOR
But.
Student 2 leads the doctor away.
PATIENT
What happened? The last thing I remember, I was standing on the deck of a boat.
Remaining three students look at each other.
STUDENT 3
You’re safe now. It looks like you’re fine. Except for the psychic ability to see into the future of whomever you touch.
PATIENT
Yes. When I touched the doctor, I saw…he was going to murder his wife tonight!
STUDENT 1
Amazing. I’m Paul.
He shakes patient’s hand.
PATIENT
Murderer! MURDERER!
STUDENT 1
What? No, I -
STUDENT 3
I’m also an undercover cop, you’re under arrest!
STUDENT 1
But -
Student 3 leads Student 1 away in cuffs.
PATIENT
Ohmigod. I had an awful vision that he was going to kill his wife later.
STUDENT 4
Um. I don’t think he’s even married, but better safe than sorry.
PATIENT
Will the visions never end? Will I be okay?
STUDENT 4
Honestly, I don’t know. I’m also an undercover cop.
Blackout.
Lights up - the patient is now sitting at a table in a café. A woman walks up to him.
INT. - A CAFE
BLIND DATE
Hi, I’m your blind date Laura.
He stands up and they shake hands.
PATIENT
Murderer!
Blackout.
INT. - AN OFFICE
Patient is at a job interview.
BOSS
Your resume is very impressive. It was a pleasure meeting you, and we’ll let you know our decision next week.
They shake.
PATIENT
Murderer!
Blackout.
VO
Um, what the heck, three more months later.
INT. - A BAR
TOUGH GUY
Let’s arm wrestle.
As soon as their hands touch…
PATIENT
Murderer!
Blackout.
Lights up. The patient stands in the reception line next to his wife (same actress as blind date) at their daughter’s wedding. As each person in line approaches him, he shakes their hand.
INT. - A WEDDING RECEPTION
WEDDING GUEST 1
Congratulations on the marriage of your lovely daughter.
They shake hands.
PATIENT
Murderer!
WEDDING GUEST 2
Congrat -
They shake.
PATIENT
Murderer!
WEDDING GUEST 3
Hi, I -
They shake.
PATIENT
Murderer! MURDERER!
DOCTOR
Hi. I’m the doctor from the beginning of the sketch. Tactile Faux Homicide Clairvoyancitis is a rare condition in which the suffering patient initially appears to have the psychic power to determine the future of whomever they touch, when in actuality they simply have visions of murder whenever they shake anyone’s hand. Pretty fucked up, huh? Thanks for helping out.
PATIENT
(breaks wedding scene and approaches announcer - everyone else watches) No problem.
They shake.
PATIENT (continued)
MURDERER! MURDERER! MURD -
The doctor shoots the patient, dead.
DOCTOR
Pretty ironic, huh? LOL!
Everyone laughs as the lights dim.
Blackout.
(from nowowowowowowow on I'm bringing my laptop and editing AS I write. This whole e e e e e e e e ime contststststststststainrt thing is maddening!)
Posted on July 17, 2005 |