"I would like to dedicate this piece to all of the babies, puppies and cookies."
-- Andres Mario du Bouchet

As the Pumpkin Dumpling King reclines
on his throne of withered leaves and vines,
he sighs a sigh of discontent -
a forlorn note of wonderment:
"There is simply too much fudge,
my carriages can barely budge!
And if I ask my gnomes to trudge,
they'll scarcely nudge those mounds of...
(he pauses as if to think,
and deep in his throne does he sink,
as Mister Lemonkeet* does flit and wink
the king's sceptre taps the floor with a hollow PLINK)
...fudge."
Pardon as this poem is interrupted
to let you know that when Mt. Fudge erupted
it spewed a fair amount of the gooey stuff
from Lake Nutella to Nougat Bluff!
And now daily life throughout the land
has simply gotten out of hand.
Too much fudge slows commerce down,
and prevents folks from going town to town!
So the king must make a choice,
and with his flickering candle mouth
raise his voice! But.
No such luck.
His brain is stuck.
Heck, it's filled with savory muck -
minced meats and savory spices
can't be expected to devise devices
for fudge clean-up!
(Author's Note - I often have to pinch myself as a reminder that I have NO ACTUAL POETIC TALENT. And also I'm in the midst of drinking an entire bottle of 2001 Caymus Cabernet, given to me in the free manner by MY BUSINESS ASSOCIATES)
"Mr. Lemonkeet!" bellowed the king,
"bring me the sweetest sweet-tooths you can bring!"
So his yellow friend obliged, and

Hey - you know when, at the beginning of an NFL game, they flash that graphic which shows video of each of the linemen, and these meatslabs speak directly into the camera and announce their name and what school they went to...MAN DON'T THEY TALK SLOWLY!?!?

Ah crap I spilled some wine on my

flitted his quickest flit outside
and spread the word throughout the land
"DO YOU LIKE SWEETS? Is your appetite for them grand?
Then hike and climb through the fudgey grime
to the king's throne room where he reclines!
And listen to his offer.
For it could fill your coffers,
if you have the

Alright, I know I wrote a play in which three guys all murder their pregnant wives, but don't let that fool you into thinking that I am PRO murdering your pregnant wife. As always, I have NO STANCE on the issue, and do not wish to take sides. However, I think Scott Peterson should be punished thusly - FIRST develop the technology to get a man pregnant a la that Schwarzenegger movie, "Mr. Mom", then, clone Scott Peterson and get him pregnant WITH HIMSELF. Then drown the fucker(s).

um...wasn't this a poem about fudge or something?

Anyhoo, this wine is very drinkable, and almost all gone. Oh yeah, I forgots to mention, the EXTENDED DIRECTOR'S LIMITED JUBILEE EDITION of me is going to be released soon. I know that many of you have often lamented my poor picture, unbalanced sound mix and underwhelming "extras", but now, with the EDLJE version of me, you'll be able to witness NEW AND EXTENDED SCENES from...me. Um. Like:

1. When I was 9, and those two kids shoved me off of the merry-go-round thingy at that fuzzily recollected playground? In the new EXTENDED version of me, those two kids die of meningitis! And I pee on their graves.

2. When I was 21, and Priscilla whats-her-face was strolling drunkenly down the street with Chris whats-his-face even though she told me she was going to be studying that night so she couldn't see me (her BOYFRIEND at the time), instead of mopingly doing nothing, going upstairs and listening to Alice In Chains (still one of the greatest bands of all tiiiimmmeeyeyeyeyeooooooheyeaeaaaaaaaaah!!!!) I charge out, and simultaneously fuck her and kick his ass using ONLY AVAILABLE IN THE EXTENDED EDITION KUNG-FUCK SKILLS.

3. The wine is really kicking in now. Speaking of "kicked", the bottle. Is. Karaoke in two point five hours, fuckers.

4. When I was 13 or so, and that fat bellicose kid in the locker room pushed me around for no reason, he grows up to be a loser with a wife and kids who hate him, and a dead-end job! Oh wait. That's already in the theatrical release.

5. I fuck Angelina Jolie on a spaceship. A spaceship commanded by CANDY!

6. When I was um.

Oh okay I'd rather watch Monday Night Football now. Here's what I'm going to sing at karaoke...

"Uninvited" by Alanis Morrissette or however you spell her name. You see, in karaoke, you can tell the karaokestress to "take it down" a key or two, hence making some of the higher-pitched songs attainable to baritones such as myself. Loveable baritones who love love. Wink ladies.

"Where The Streets Have No Name" by a band whose name I forget. Anyway, their lead singer, "Bonko" I believe, or some such name, has a voice a wee tad slight mite bit to high for me, but AGAIN - I can take it down a notch.

"Don't Blog When You're Drunk On Expensive Yet Free Wine Oh God I'm The Loneliest" by Right Now.

Bzzzzzzt. End Transmission.

*YES, KING PUMPKIN DUMPLING'S TOP ADVISOR IS A PARAKEET MADE OUT OF LEMON CANDY!!!