So here we go again. I tried my hand at that 'Saturday Night Rewritten' show again, this time just as a writer, and I have no idea if this bit went well at all, since I had to mosey on over to another show to perform. It's really quite simply the best thing I've ever written. Ohdeargod:
TOM CRUISE’S NON-GAY HOUSE OF STRAIGHT SEAFOOD
by Andrés du Bouchet
SNR - June 5th, 2005
A couple dines at a table off to one side. Tom Cruise enthusiastically bounds out onto the stage.
TOM CRUISE
Hi, I’m international superstar Tom Cruise, and I’m in love with Katie Holmes, who is a woman! If you’re straight like me, you love delicious seafood at reasonable prices, and that’s exactly what you’ll get at Tom Cruise’s Non-Gay House of Straight Seafood!
Two extremely gay male dancers come out and bracket Tom, as they sing…
GAY SINGERS
(to the tune of Kenny Loggins’ ‘Danger Zone’) Highway to the seafood zone! Highway toooo the seafood zone yeah!
(as they dance off, flirtatiously) Bye Tom, see you later…
TOM CRUISE
Those were just some straight friends of mine. Hey - I know I don’t look like Tom Cruise, but that’s only because I’ve used my Scientology powers to change my molecular structure for the purposes of this commercial, otherwise I couldn’t afford to pay myself for this appearance - you straight guys know what I’m talking about!
GAY SINGERS
(to the tune of Kenny Loggins’ ‘Danger Zone’) Highway to the seafood zone! Highway toooo the seafood zone yeah!
(as they dance off, flirtatiously) Bye Tom, see you later…
TOM CRUISE
Anyway, I know that finding delicious seafood at reasonable prices seems like a ‘Mission: Impossible’. Eating cheap seafood is ‘Risky Business’, and can often produce (waves away an imaginary fart) ‘Days of Thunder’. But you’ll find only the best seafood here at Tom Cruise’s Non-Gay House of Straight Seafood, where we’re the ‘Top Gun’ at broiled scallops! Our sushi chefs have got ‘All The Right Moves’, and our clams casino is ‘Far and Away’ the best. Oh look, here comes one of our straight waiters, Sapphire, with our ‘Legend’-ary shrimp ‘Cocktail’.
SAPPHIRE
(very gay) Hi Tom you look really straight today.
TOM CRUISE
You do too, Sapphire, and I love Katie Holmes. What’s the weather like tonight?
SAPPHIRE
Looks like it’s going to ‘Rain, Man’.
TOM CRUISE
‘Jerry Maguire Magnolia’.
(awkward beat)
SAPPHIRE
Okay byeee. See you at wrestling practice later.
Sapphire leaves.
TOM CRUISE
I’m getting hard just thinking about it. You straight guys know what I’m talking about. I’m so excited I’m ‘Losin’ It’. Um. ‘Interview With The Vampire’. Anyway, come on down to Tom Cruise’s Non-Gay House of Straight Seafood, where you’ll find seafood so delicious and reasonably priced, I must be straight!
GAY SINGERS
(to the tune of Kenny Loggins’ ‘Danger Zone’) Highway to the seafood zone! Highway toooo the seafood zone yeah!
TOM CRUISE
Oh man yeah work it girls…
Fade out.
Did I say "ohdeargod" already? Yeah. The thing is...ah forget it. I'll do better next time.
Posted on June 06, 2005 |