Another oldy. Yes, I am going to post everything I've ever written for the stage on this blog.
VAMPIRE AUDITION
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Next.
Out comes Murray, all bloody.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Name?
MURRAY
My name is Murray Peterson.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
And what part will you be auditioning for, Murray?
MURRAY
I will be auditioning for the part of Mario.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
And what will you be singing for us?
MURRAY
I will be singing "I Love To Cry At Weddings."
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Okay, whenever you're ready.
MURRAY
Hit it!
The piano accompaniment for "I Love To Cry At Weddings" begins. Murray sings the song with gusto. He is interrupted mid-song.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Thank you, Murray. If we decide to cast you, you'll hear from us in a couple of days.
MURRAY
Great, thanks!
Murray begins to walk offstage.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Hold on just a second, Murray.
Murray stops. Producer voices mumble in the background.
PRODUCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Murray, is that blood on your face?
MURRAY
Hmm? Well, I suppose it is. Okay, thank you!
He starts to walk off again.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Wait, don't go just yet.
He stops. More background murmuring.
PRODUCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Murray, are you a vampire?
MURRAY
Am I a vampire? Good one! Okay, I hope to hear from you next week! Thank you for your time!
Murray begins to walk off again.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
No, seriously. Please answer the question.
He stops.
MURRAY
(uncomfortable)
I don't see how that is of any relevance...I don't –
PRODUCER (V.O.)
You do realize that this show will be performing eight times a week? Including two matinees?
MURRAY
Sure, that's standard, right?
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Right. Matinees are during the day, Murray.
MURRAY
I knew that.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
So if you're a vampire, we would need to know that now.
MURRAY
Yeah, but if I say "Yes, I am a vampire", then you won't cast me, right?
PRODUCER (V.O.)
I didn't say that. But we do need to know.
MURRAY
Look. Let's be honest here. You...pathetic...humans have no love for my kind. You fear us, you cower before us as dogs cower before their masters. And why are you afraid? Because you know that to us you are nothing more than walking sacks of liquid nourishment. I could drain you of your life's blood right now, Day Walker, and toss your lifeless corpse into a nearby dumpster, yet my love for musical theatre forces me to swallow my pride and subjugate myself before your idiotic whims!
PRODUCER (V.O.)
So you are a vampire.
MURRAY
I didn't say that.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
It really sounds to me like you're a vampire.
MURRAY
(trying a new tactic)
Look, I am sooo perfect for this part! I was born to play Mario! Can't someone else play the part for the matinees? I'll do six shows a week, I'll bust my ass for six shows!
PRODUCER (V.O.)
I'm sorry Murray.
MURRAY
(pointing towards the booth in the back; speaking deeply and ominously)
Listen to me, Day Walker! Listen and obey! You will cast me in the part of Mario, and you will do away with the matinees entirely! Heed my command!
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Okay, Murray? Your voice of command, or enslavement, or whatever that was, it apparently didn't carry back here. This booth is pretty well insulated. I'm sorry.
MURRAY
I will turn you into a slave of the undead!
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Sorry.
MURRAY
I will suck you dry!
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Nope.
MURRAY
I will paint scenery and sell concessions! Please! I'll do anything! Ever since I was a young boy I've wanted to be in a Broadway show! When I was nine my father took me to see Annie! It was the scariest thing I'd ever seen in my life! (singing) The sun'll come out tomorrow -- terrifying! It still gives me goose bumps! By Satan’s Cock I’ll do anything, please!
PRODUCER (V.O.)
You know what? That's exactly the type of spirit we're looking for! I think we've found our Mario!
MURRAY
You mean I got the part?!
PRODUCER (V.O.)
That's right, you -- oh, wait, I forgot. You're a vampire. Next.
MURRAY
You will pay for this!
Murray storms off. We hear a man scream briefly offstage.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Next.
Another young man comes out, clutching his bloody neck. He is in a daze.
PRODUCER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Name?
AUDITIONER
My name is Auditioner #2.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
And what part will you be auditioning for?
AUDITIONER
I will be auditioning for the part of Gang Member #3.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
And what will you be singing for us?
AUDITIONER
I will be singing “Oklahoma.”
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Whenever you’re ready.
AUDITIONER
Ooooooooooooooooooklaugh.
Auditioner faints dead away.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
Next.
Posted on August 26, 2002 |