by EMJAY T.H. RILLER
PRESIDENT: He Moonwalks Among Us Society

I knew he was innocent all along, and now the rest of the world does too! There was a story once told among the old wives of my great grand ancestors' cobble-lined town, a story of a man made of pure butter, who everyone wanted to attack with their knives so they could spread him on their toast. I am reminded of that story today. The man in that story was too pure, too good, too kind and gentle, too buttery to be even dented by their knives of falseness - they slid right off no matter how hard the people jabbed! I am reminded of that story today, my friends. Our friend has proven too buttery to jab my friends. Our grand butterfly has flitted above their nets!

I am reminded of a kind counselor from my days at His 'Pretend It's A Cigar Camp' on the frothing shores of White Surprise Burst River in Hidden Secret Hush Now Hollow, Vermont. This counselor helped me to understand His special ways. I was fond yes, of pretending things were cigars, but too timid at first to engage in the nightly Shush Now Hushy Time Pillow Pink Cigar Puff Parties. Oh, when it was made clear to me how all of our child-fun-love energy was necessary to help puff the pink cigar to full love cream potential, so that He may one day evolve into the Butterfly Force Protector of Candy and Not Telling Anyone, every Shush Now Hushy Time Pillow Pink Cigar Puff Party became four jaw aching hours of delicious fun!

Ohdeargod this post is disturbing me.

Anyway, for no reason whatsoever, here are some soups with pedophile-inspired names (I plucked these from a 2003 post on my old blog):

They'll Never Believe You Chowder
Don't Leave Us Alone Noodle
Just Between Us Barley
Oh That Feels So Good To Daddy Country Vegetable
Meatball Shame
Work The Shaft Wonton
Manhattan Clam Shh!
If I Close My Eyes And Hold My Breath God Will Still Love Me Minestrone
Cream Of Sally Cries Alot In Class
Chunky Why Can't I See My Own Grandchildren Potato Abuse Dumpling