Born With A Stage Name
A blog detailing my 35 fictional years as a Hollywood icon.

New Reality Shows
Who wants to read a list of made-up reality shows? America, that's who!

Hasselhoff & Helium
This is the champion of long weird monologues! A combination of the Hasselhoff and helium pieces, it truly delivers on kooky details and tidbits.

rough notes for MOONWORK - March 31st, 2007
I hereby give up at life, thanks to a lifetime of anxiety and depression, and Sidney Poitier's audio memoirs.

On The Mating Habits Of Finches
Ah, the Finch piece! I still like doing this one. This is a bit of a rough draft.

The Most Amazing Christmas Sweater I've Ever Seen
That was one crazy sweater.

It's funny because I'm blind!
Cash Brulee, the blind blues singer, was a character I did briefly, and this was his origin story.

Help us help laserless pets.
Chances are if I asked each of you a question consisting of the two parts a) do you own a pet and b) does that pet have a laser, about half of you would answer no to part a and no to part b, and about half of you would answer yes to part a and no to part b. Maybe one of you would answer yes to part a and yes to part b, but then I would clarify the question, and you'd almost certainly change your answer to part b to no.

SO YOU'VE BEEN TURNED!
Murray Peterson the mild-mannered Midwestern vampire was one of my favorite characters. Here's one bit where Murray is helping new 'turnees' adjust to their vampirism.

The Aristocrats
My version of the Aristocrats.

Here is my SNL packet.
Here's a bunch of sketches, some of which I submitted as part of my SNL packet in summer 2005.

J-O-G, man.
The Joggernauts vs. The Miami Jog Machine in a no-jogs-barred Jog-Off! Catch The Steadiness!

Here's the whole sloppy mess...
Drunk!

voot. voot voot voot voot. sniff. WOOF! vootvootvootvoot
This post is about a dog with corduroy for fur and that's all it's about.

TOO MANY PANDAS!
At one point I was really going through a panda phase. All great artists have their phases, I guess. Mine involved pictures of pandas and an IN-YOUR-FACE attitude!

BOLIVIGUAY: Land of Extravaganchantment!
Francisco Guglioni, host of Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions And Also There is A Game, introduces you to the wonders of his home country.

CTRL+ALT+DEL (with photos!)
CTRL+ALT+DEL (pronounced 'Control Alt Delete') is a one-act play I wrote back in 2004. As long as deranged lunatics continue to murder their pregnant wives, I believe this will remain a timeless classic.

THE PUMPKIN DUMPLING KING AND THE GREAT FUDGE DILEMMA...and other drunken grumblings...
Simple formula: an entire bottle of wine on an empty stomach and an internet connection.

BJ story...commence!
This is the story of the time I saw 'Anchorman' late one summer night in 2004. It was later published in Time Out New York as a much shortened version.

Awesomeness Redux
This was something I enjoyed performing more than audiences enjoyed seeing.

"You're Not Going To Put Me In Your Act, Are You?"
This is 100% real. E-mail and IM exchanges like this one are going on every day. All around us. (cue scary music)

The Cat Bit
Once audiences realized I was supposed to be a cat, most of them laughed.

The Ballad Of The Curious Woodsman And Other Sasquatch-Related Monologues: A Cold Reading
The stupidest one act...thingy...ever written. Performed only once. I had such a case of the Coremans that I barely got through the thing. I laughed through almost every line. I guess that's what happens when you don't rehearse and then read it through for the first time at midnight.

Usted es debido para una limpieza!
The dental professionals at La Odontologia De La Ensanada De La Palma have sent you this cute little postcard to let you know it's time for a cleaning! I wrote this in English, and then translated it into Spanish with one of those web-based translation programs, so any Spanish-fluent person would probably read it as nonsense.

Frankie & Petey
A monologue done in a sort of Deniroesque voice, while wearing a tank top.

Dear Dollarshots:
My first headshots were a disaster, as you can see here.

Bring your caboose 'round here, girl.
More eloquent poetry from yours truly.

I could work for Hallmark.
A rap in honor of Columbus Day. I would perform this "poem" several times, always bracketing the filth with something very benign.

Nigel & Cocoa
The first solo piece of mine that started to get decent laughs. One of my only good memories of performing at Ye Olde Tripple Inn on 54th St. was because of this bit. You can watch it on Youtube if this doesn't make sense.

Where Is My Toilet?
As I go through my old monologues, it's becoming clear to me that all of them were just excuses to rearrange curses, sex jokes and poop jokes. Still, I had fun! Here's one I did in a Southernish accent.

Rod Pornocopter
This piece of aggressive filth did well for me for a few performances, but ultimately fell flat in the long run. Still, one of my best comedy memories is killing with this at Luna Lounge back in the day.

NTH
The piece I've done countless times - it usually goes great or is greeted with stares. This is a bit of a rough draft.

Happy Accident Fudge
Wow. This was gross. My strongest memory of this bit is doing at some small room in Brooklyn to a few chuckles, and then trying to flyer for a show afterwards. At least two women literally held up their hands as if to say "No, I do not want your flyer after seeing that piece."

My Penis
This is oooold. As stated in the intro, it went well once.

To Victory! the original text
Another late 90s bit. If the invisible baboon bit was the first piece that starting getting me decent laughs, this is the first one that started killing. No pun intended. Of course, it also tanked from time to time, as my stage presence was still at the whims of my awful stage fright.

December 22, 1997 - The Hospital Room bit
Probably the first solo piece I ever performed. I did it only a handful of times.