andresdubouchet.com

Join my mailing list.

2007-11-24T16:26:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone from my gmail address book!

If you're not on my mailing list, and would like to be, please click here:

http://www.andresdubouchet.com/mailinglist.html

Once you join, you'll get periodic emails from me with show announcements, links to new videos, etc. A couple of emails a month, nothing too crazy.

Happy Holidays,

Andres

--
"Forth now, and fear no darkness!"
http://www.andresdubouchet.com
http://www.youtube.com/andresdubouchet
http://www.myspace.com/dubouchet

Stay tuned...

2006-05-30T20:55:00.000-04:00

...this site is currently undergoing a major renovation. At some point this summer, it will look like THIS. Take a gander. Most of the links don't work yet, but that's the general idea.

Love,
Andres

Please don't call me "The weird guy at the office."

2006-05-12T16:53:00.000-04:00

I prefer the title "The bored of you guy at the office."

Time Out New York

2006-05-11T14:29:00.000-04:00

If you're here because of the little blurb about my tiger video in TONY this week, you can look at it

Here.

Or here.

$200 FLAT RATE!

2006-05-10T22:42:00.000-04:00

Two hundred dollar flat rate. You like talking dirty? You like taking your time? No more worries. Two hundred dollar flat rate. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS for all the nasty smut talk you want. No more minute counting. You tired of watching the clock while you're whacking your cock? 200 DOLLAR FLAT RATE. Boom. You know what it's going to cost up front. Boom. You know you can take your time. Blam. It's all in your hand now you're in charge smutty smutty slap slap whappity en how hi there you're the guy who's 200 dollars poorer but WHAT PRICE CAN YOU PUT ON PEACE OF MIND???

$200

That's what price. Zoom. You're the dude. Hi there. LONG PAUSE sure why not you got all the time in the world be dramatic. Take a long pause. Who answered? Charlene? Slam. She's a pro there ya go read her the fucking phone book for all we care take your sweet juicy time because you will never pay more than. Two hundred smackeroos.

Smackeroos is slang for dollars.

And it's a cracker snack sold in Australia. But in this case we mean DOLLARS.

You got a cell phone? You pay more per month to avoid paying MORE per month, right? As in "I pay 70 bucks a month for the extra minutes because if I sign up for the 40 bucks a month plan fuck it you know it I'll blow it and end up paying...

TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS."

Cram. Same deal here. Read Kyana the fucking Iliad for all we care. You got the time. She needs the education.

200 bucks. Flat rate (FLATE RATE!).

Sure, you MIGHT only spend 16 dollars at one of those $5.99 for the first minute $1.99 for every minute thereafter places but a) that means you came in 6 minutes, and b)you weren't enjoying yourself - every whappity whap sounded like the cold clatter of coinage to you my friend. You RUSHED the GUSH. 6 fucking minutes to save some dough. You'll get the carpel tunnel.

So.

TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS FLAT - sit back, unzip, dial, smile, and take your time my friend.

Hi, I'm Farrah. I'm wearing eighteen raincoats and a chastity belt the key to which is locked in a golden chest in the middle of a hedge maze guarded by were-griffins. Don't worry. I'll talk you through it. WE'VE GOT ALL NIGHT TWO HUNDRED DOLLAR FLAT RATE!!!

Geisha Goumbas

2006-05-03T19:47:00.000-04:00

I'll be on Conan tonight, as a mobster in full kabuki makeup.

Yeah, that's a typical sentence.

It is the Genesis Device!

2006-05-03T02:50:00.000-04:00

Did you know that if you fart, and then turn around, and then, just as your fart has risen up to the level of your face, you sneeze INTO your own fart...it creates a tiny thunder cloud? Complete with tiny lightning and everything? And then the tiny thunder cloud just kind of roils and rolls off to rain somewhere? Fuckin' A man, that's something they should be teaching people in very dry climates.

I'm on the South Beach Diet.

2006-05-03T02:41:00.000-04:00

I south beach and I eat it!

(This joke is hereby relegated to this blog after both Michael Reisman and Christian Finnegan informed me that it was not any good)

For some reason this story has made me very very very happy.

2006-05-02T16:57:00.000-04:00

I guess I should think twice about submitting my new novel,

Hello God, It's Me, Moby Dick In The Rye: The Two Towers

NO BUDGET NATURE FILMS

2006-05-01T16:22:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I posted the script for a short film about the Bengal Tiger.

Well, we made it!

December 22, 1997

2006-04-26T20:22:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah? Well the cool thing about holding onto all of my notebooks for the past 10 years is that every once in a while I find something that I'd forgotten. Some tidbit. In this case, while rummaging about my bookshelf one rare night home, I fumbled upon a small spiral-bound notebook that held in it the only remaining recorded history (written or otherwise) of the first solo performance piece I'd ever tried in New York City. It's a piece I only performed 3 or 4 times total, and these particular notes I'm referring to were for the...second time I performed it? Maybe? Anyway, here I am home alone with baseball on in the background and said notebook at my side, so why not transcribe and imbibe? Old Speckled Hen Ale if you're curious. I shall try to transcribe it exactly, with my notes from the here and now in italics:

-----

THE HOSPITAL ROOM
Monday Night
12/22/97

1. Jacqui introduces me "a NYC comic"

Jacqui Malouf hosted a show in the basement of the Cornelia Street Cafe

2. I come running down the aisle, hooting and hollering.

3. I demand and get "high fives" from my table and maybe one other.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to put high fives in quotes, since I really did want audience members to give me actual high fives.

4. I bound onto the stage, get mic, greet the audience and wish them a happy holidays, Merry X-Mas, etc. Oh, THOSE holidays. Okay. "I feel like I'm so happy it's holiday season. It's my job tonight to put you in the holiday mood! Are you ready for some comedy? I said are you ready for some comedy? Okay, I'm gonna give you some comedy right now, my gift to you, this one of my favorite bits, it's called the Hospital Room! Kick it, name!" [cue tape]

Okay, first of all, I'm not sure any of the above set-up is necessary at all, other than to achieve the meager humor of BIG ENERGY SET-UP followed by SAD HOSPITAL ROOM SCENE. Eh. I could've started with the scene itself. Second of all, how awesome is my notation for the sound guy? The word 'name' underlined. Thirdly, CUE TAPE! A TAPE! Holy shit I'm old. FYI, the tape in question is of an odd hospital life support beep / breathing apparatus noise I'd made with some crappy sound editing program on an old Mac. So old and new technology at work here. A cassette tape playing a sound I'd edited on a laptop. Odd. Anyway, this beeping/breathing goes on throughout the bit.

5. I stand on far upstage looking contemplative with microphone. I wait approx. 30-40 seconds (really!)

Holy shit really!??!

as audience sits and wonders what the hell is going to happen. (begin scene)

I'm a blue collar type guy. I guess kinda like my current Frankie No-Pants character. A little New Jersey slababeef.

6. "Is this the room? Okay thank you nurse. Oh, and nurse? Thank you for the microphone. [I am holding an imaginary bag in non-mic hand]

"Thank you for the microphone" is the best part of this whole piece

7. I enter, looking around me, I see my buddy lying there, I cringe. I place bag down.

As you can see, I used to be so nervous about performing that I needed to itemize EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I WAS GOING TO DO ON STAGE. Otherwise, chaos.

8. Hey there buddy. Hey Ralph, Merry Christmas. Ah, what am I saying, I bet you don't think this has been a very Merry Christmas at all, do ya? I mean - ah look at me, Ralph, I ain't no good leaving messages on answering machines much less talking to guys in a coma. Ah shit. What do I say. Well, you look good. By which I mean, you look like you. I mean, when [all props invisible) they carried you off the factory floor, it was like

Wait. All props invisible? WTF?

what's that pile of stuff, you know, but now it's like I take on look and it's (!POP!) Ralph, you know. Well, maybe two looks. Hey, I brought you a present. You are gonna love this (get present from bag). Ta-Da! We found it. Yeah, it was behind the flange-press. It musta rolled under there when you had your accident. Mr. Fluff 'n' Puff, the factory cat, he was playing with it when we found it. You know, batting it around and stuff, Tom had to trade him a piece of his hot dog to get it. I guess Mr. Fluff 'n' Puff couldn't really tell the difference right? Hey look, on behalf of all the boys at the factory YES WE GET IT I WORK IN A FACTORY WITH RALPH I wanna apologize for not finding it sooner. I suppose we coulda put it on ice or something, and they could have...ah, well, here it is in a har of formaldahyde, for posterity's sake. No pun intended. Ah wait no pun achieved.

10. I don't know why I felt the need to start a new # here Oh hey, we all signed a card for you. It's a Far-Side card. This cow here, see, he's got this duck on his head, and it says "Why cows don't play chess." I don't get it. Okay, here you go [Read Card until tape falters)

card: Many get well soons and Merry X-Mases.
One mistaken Happy Birthday, etc.
gag - one not signed
gag - Happy B-Day
gag - repeats (diff people same thing)
gag - I signed this card twice ha, ha no really get well

Okay here's where the notes are not very helpful. Basically, at this point in the bit, I'm reading what a bunch of Ralph's co-workers wrote on his get well card. There are a lot of little messages, and the utter mundaneness (mundanity? (oh the mundanity!)) and repetition becomes amusing. Slightly. Also, I threw in a few gags such as someone mistakenly writes Happy Birthday, etc. Then the tape falters and it becomes an audio of me talking to some chick as she's giving me a BJ. LOL! So alternative!

11. [tape falters] - Hey name, could you stop the tape, I guess [talk during wheat thins and prince) name isn't listening (oh it's stuck!") I didn't put enough hosp sound effects on it. I think it goes back to the hospital stuff if we just wait it out.

Wait through tape stuff

[Beep starts)

12. - Okay Ralph, I guess I should go now. You have a Merry X-Mas buddy, okay? And remember, everybody down at the plant YES WE GET IT is pulling rooting is crossed out for you.

13. Hey nurse, I was thinking, you and I could maybe go grab a drink. What? No, I don't know how to end this bit, do you?

ALTERNATIVE!!!

14. Ah - Ha! That's the Hospital Room Bit, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you have a great Holiday Season GoodNight!

And lo and behold, here are the various messages I put in the get well card!

Dear Jack UM, NO...RALPH, REMEMBER?!?!? -
Get well soon and have a Merry Christmas
- Ernie

Dear Jack -
Get well soon.
- Joe
P.S. Merry Christmas

Dear Jack -
I hope you are not un-conscious for much longer. We miss you!
- Sheila from the secreterial pool. In a factory.

Dear Jack-
Get well soon.
[no name on that one]

Dear Jack,
For Christmas, I hope you get a swift recovery.
- Harold
P.S. And also Merry Christmas

Jack-
Get better.
Bob

Jack - Get well soon and Happy Holidays
- Ernie
P.S. I signed this card twice, Ha-Ha.

Dear Jack,

We all hope you get well soon. Best of luck from all of us here in Flange-Shaft Operators Section B.
[those guys are a bunch of sweeties]

Dear Tony -
Happy Birthday You Lousy Drunk! Just kidding asshole! Seeya at your party -
Frank
[must've signed the wrong card]

Jack get well soon
- Paul

Jack,
I made a bet with the guys in Rivet-Press Operators Section C that you'd be awake before New Years! Don't let me down!
Merry Christmas Buddy - Ralph
[that's me]

Oh wait. I'm Ralph.

Jack - get better fast.
- Corey

Jack, I wish you a speedy recovery and a fabulous holiday season -
- Toby
[Damn, I told Toby not to sign the card, he knows you hate his kind]

Jack - Hey big guy, when you're 100% lets get together for some pool.
- Bruno

Andres, can you leave me a check for rent sometime this week?
- Tim [hey Tim, this is a prop!]

ALTERNATIVE!!!!!!!

Dear Jack
Get better!
- Jimmy

Jack - Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Get well soon!

-----

Well there ya go, that's all that's in the notebook. Ah, 1997. OK Computer by Radiohead came out. We had a nicer skyline. And name was on sound.

GTN!

2006-04-18T10:55:00.000-04:00

A small taste of the wackiness we conspire to create every week.

"Okay, now we're going to throw real people out of a window so you can really see the horror first hand."

2006-04-12T16:10:00.000-04:00

This portion of the Moussaoui trial is kind of silly. They've found him guilty. Fine. But now, in their quest to convince the jury to give him the death penalty, they're dragging out every possible bit of horror they can find, all of which basically add up to the notion that 'What happened on 9/11 is really, really, really bad.' Isn't that obvious already? They've already determined that Moussaoui aided, or at least through his non-cooperation he hindered the capture of, the men who hijacked those planes. They've already determined that he was part of a conspiracy that resulted in the deaths of thousands of innocent Americans. Sooooo, they need to let the jury listen to Mayor Giuliani to convince them of how horrible 9/11 was? They need to let the jury hear the Flight 93 tapes in order to convince them that crashing in a hijacked plane is a bad, awful thing? I find it all very odd and unneccessarily (I hate trying to spell that word)...maudlin. Is that the word? What's the word you use when you want to describe someone who insists on obsessing over terrible events? I dunno. It all seems ridiculous. 3,000 people died. This guy was in on it. The debate shouldn't be "Wasn't 9/11 awful", it should be "Is the death penalty necessary based on his participation in the plans." The prosecution's main goal, therefore, or stick a sock in my mouth if I'm wrong here, should be to prove that Moussaoui's INVOLVEMENT in the whole shebang was substantial enough to consider him an active culprit in these 3,000 deaths. Not just wallowing in the voyeurism of horror. And also, I may have no idea what I'm talking about, I don't read the news too carefully.

"Thank you Your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we've dressed this puppy up as the World Trade Center, and this Anaconda has been painted to look like an airliner. Let's watch. Okay...the Anaconda must have eaten recently, because he's just sitting there. I'll tell you what, we're just going to shoot the puppy twice, and each of those bullets will represent a plane. BLAM! BLAM! There. Now just imagine that thousands of people were inside that puppy. I don't know what more you need to see in order to determine that Moussaoui deserves the death penalty, but just in case you need further convincing, we are now going to play the song "In The Air Tonight" by Phil Collins. Just imagine that YOU are Phil Collins, The World Trade Center is the man drowning in the river, and Moussaoui is the guy Phil Collins is singing to...yeah. The guy...who didn't save the other guy from drowning. You guys know the story. Anyway, this trial is the concert at which YOU, the jury who is Phil Collins, now have the opportunity to shine the spotlight of justice on the guy in the audience, Moussaoui, who came to the concert not aware that YOU saw him not try to save the other guy, the World Trade Center...from drowning. On that night. That other guy who is The World Trade Center. Right. Now just a word of caution when the drums in the song really kick in, you know, that part that goes BUMBUMbumbumBUMBUMbumbumBUMBUM, we'll be showing footage of the Hindenberg crashing into JonBenet Ramsey. It's CGI. Okay smoke machines on...and lights...and cue the music."

Can't a guy

2006-04-12T10:12:00.000-04:00

take a night off from his weekly comedy show, get hammered while watching American Idol, and then blog about Freddy Mercury without people asking him if he's okay? Seriously folks, just a little tipsy blogging last night. It was "Queen" night on American Idol, and each contestant had to sing one of Mercury's songs. It was odd - they force them to shoehorn the entire song into a minute or so, completely losing any sense of drama or build-up within the songs. They just go for the big NOOOOOTE! that they can belt out. Eh. Like I drunkenly said last night, they sure can sing, but I still find them dull. There's more to excellent singing than just hitting the notes. Of all of them, the bald guy, Chris, is the only one that seems like there's a little bit of that spark, that musical passion going on behind his eyes. Everyone else strikes me as cruise entertainment material.

Epiphany # 14356

2006-04-11T21:23:00.000-04:00

Hi there. I'm Andres du Bouchet - a maniacal genius of unparalleled self-genius-calling, and I'm here to tell you that I've had another one of my EPHIPHANIES*. Which basically means...three Newcastle Brown Ales. At any rate, I was slumped in front of the televising device tonight watching 'American Idol', and I came to a very important conclusion that is going to effect all of our lives...

Freddy Mercury is more talented than us. It's true. Sure, the poor man passed away years ago, but his talent continues to ripple outward on this pond we call THE UNIVERSE, whereas any talent each and any of us has continues its slow, steady, plop towards the sediment that lies at the bottom of the dark cloudy pool that will, in the end, swallow us all. Fuck you. Freddy Mercury rules. Each and every one of those American Idol contestants tonight had a grand voice, a fine, "he/she is the best singer in the office and/or at tonight's karaoke competition" voice, but Freddy Mercury's songs in turn devoured them whole. Fuck them too.

So indeed.

Newcastle #4 on the way. I know, it's been a while since I've been all drunk and slumped oh my god am I single again NO. HA! No ladies. Fuck you three.

*Sic. (hic!)

Random Mishmosh Hodgepodge of Self-Promotion!

2006-04-07T10:59:00.000-04:00

Hey fans and/or stumbler-uponers!

My new site should be up at some point later this year, and when it is, there will be a nifty section where you can see and hear every single video and audio clip of my stuff that I can wrangle (and then when I get one of those nifty digital video cameras all the kids seem to have, I'm going to start making digital shorts (the ideas are piling up!!!)). But for now, there's always Youtube:

Check out these clips of me performing live (Mr. Fluffernutter is my favorite monologue I've written, though the video quality is "eh" here), and on Colin Quinn's old show.

And here's a really short film I made with my current GTN pals Jonny Fido (that's his butt) and Michael Reisman back when we were in a sketch group called Canned Family.

And here's that clip of me from Cheap Seats again.

AND you can see me perform my standup ON YOUR FRIGGIN' PHONE! It's "simple". Um...

"For Verizon Vcast subscribers, go into Vcast, then into Entertainment, then into Comedy Central, and The Clip Joint will be a channel.

For Sprint subscribers, you need a Power Vision plan, then you must subscribe to the Comedy Central video channel, and again, The Clip Joint will be a channel."

Those are the instructions I was given by my contact at Comedy Central. Russ the janitor. Anyway, if you don't have one of the futurespacephones that the above instructions are clearly geared towards, just wait for it to appear on Comedy Central's Motherload, on their website. It's just me telling my 10 jokes, which I think you can also read earlier on this blog. AND SPEAKING OF MOTHERLOAD,

The same funny blokes who were nice enough to let me contribute to their 'I Love The 30s' series have just started releasing episodes of 'All Access Middle Ages'. I play 'Buttons' the minstrel, and I must say, I've got a few nice funny lines that I'm proud of. I shall now attempt to provide the proper links to view:

All Access Middle Ages: Awesomely Bad Breakups!

And I can't seem to find the I Love the 30s stuff. Maybe they took it down. Anyway, I had some funny lines in the Hindenberg episode, if you can find it.

Over and out, comedy fans!

Thumbunnies!

2006-04-06T11:35:00.000-04:00

Wittle wittle Thumbunnies hoppin' awong, hip hop hoppity hip singin' their bunny song! THUMBUNNIES!

I dunno. Just picturing my thumbs in tiny bunny outfits. It's kinda nice. Nice little respite from the dayjob, you know? Just imagining my thumbs wearing bunny costumes. Yep.

Mirrors on Wheels

2006-04-06T11:26:00.000-04:00

Did you know that over 99% of the population has never experienced the dangerous yet amusing thrill of witnessing a car crash through a large mirror that has somehow been maneuvered into the middle of an intersection? That's why I've started my new charity: MIRRORS ON WHEELS. Every day, MIRRORS ON WHEELS delivers much-needed, large, wheeled mirrors to busy intersections throughout the city in the hopes that a car or cars will smash through said mirrors, causing the kind of hair-raising spectacle that helps the seeing-a-car-smash-through-a-mirror-deprived feel like "Holy shit that car just smashed through that mirror oh God I've got glass on me shit ah, aaaah, ha ha oh my God owowowo ha ha ha. Ow. I'm alive ow."

TABLE FOR JUAN

2006-04-06T11:20:00.000-04:00

Here is a sketch that was performed for the first and last time at last week's GTN. Mike Birch played Juan.

FRANCISCO
Our next guest has his own show on the Food Network, 'Table For Juan'. Tonight he's going to show us how to make his famous 7-Layer Carrot Cake, please welcome Master Chef Juan Valdeez!

JUAN
(American accent) Hola Francisco, como esta usted hoy?

FRANCISCO
Excuse me? Oh I'm sorry I don't speak Spanish.

JUAN
Oh thank God, neither do I.

FRANCISCO
Oh really, then why -

JUAN
I thought you were Spanish, you sound Spanish so my producer told -

FRANCISCO
Oh no I'm from Boliviguay, where the national language is English, but with a Spanish accent.

JUAN
Oh, okay.

FRANCISCO
But your name, Juan Valdeez, surely you're Spanish?

JUAN
No, I'm from Brazilachusetts, where everyone looks and sounds American but have Spanish names.

FRANCISCO
Wow. Anyway, Juan Valdeez, I promise not to make any Juan Valdez OR Exxon Valdeez jokes at your expense.

JUAN
I don't understand.

FRANCISCO
I won't make any jokes about uh, giant ships full of coffee leaking into the ocean and causing eh, seagulls and otters to get all jittery.

JUAN
You've totally lost me.

FRANCISCO
Well. Juan Valdez is the mascot for Colombian coffee beans, so -

JUAN
Oh I see, well I'm not very knowledgeable about old commercials and tv nostalgia -

FRANCISCO
No, he still is, it's current, he's still the mascot - in fact, there's a huge coffee shop in Times Square, The Juan Valdez cafe?

JUAN
Not ringing a bell.

FRANCISCO
So, I was sort of playfully poking fun at your name, which sounds like a combination of Juan Valdez andExxon Valdeez, so I thought ha ha whatif a big tanker ship full of coffee...

JUAN
Exxon Valdeez? Lost me again pal.

FRANCISCO
The big oil tanker accident? Huge natural catastrophe?

JUAN
I'm sorry I'm just a cook, not a professor of environmental studies or anything Francisco, heh, I really...I mean you've REALLY lost me.

FRANCISCO
The...the Exxon Valdeez! It was a huge story. In all the papers, the tv news...

JUAN
Oh I see, well in Brazilachusetts we get all our news from the internet, not thepapers or tv, so

FRANCISCO
well even moreso, it would have been all over the internet too. I mean you can go google it if you want.

JUAN
Google?

FRANCISCO
It's a popular search engine.

JUAN
Pfff. Man. I feel like I'm letting you down here. I've never heard of -

FRANCISCO
Okay well don't worry about it, let's get to the receipe for 7-Layer...oh crap. We're out of time.

JUAN
That's okay, I didn't bring any food ingredients or cooking utensils.

FRANCISCO
Oh yes, I thought something seemed a bit off.

JUAN
I'm sorry.

FRANCSICO
Anyway Juan Valdeez, we can catch your show, Table for Juan, on the Food Network.

JUAN
Every Saturday at 7pm.

FRANCISCO
So if you liked what you saw here…Um. Check it out.

I don't know what makes less sense,

2006-04-05T10:38:00.000-04:00

the city's decision to release the 911 calls made on 9/11 to the public, or my decision to put them all on my iPod. Man. What a fucking emotional rollercoaster "shuffle" is now. I mean one second I'm listening to "Baby Got Back" and the next I'm listening to a man who has accepted his inevitable fate calmly explaining to his sobbing wife where to find the life insurance documents in their study. My morning commute is a lot more wrenching than it used to be, but on the other hand, I'm also approaching each day with a lot more appreciation for what I have, so that's nice. You know what's odd? The 9/11 calls released don't just include the ones specific to the disaster, they also include every other 911 call made during that time period. So every once in a while you'll hear something like

CALLER
Oh my God you've got to help me I'm in a bathroom in the World Trade Center help!

OPERATOR
Sir, every available unit is already on the way.

CALLER
Holy shit how'd you guys know I got my dick stuck in a bottle???

Yeah. As a side note, this is the material that walked three people during my GTN monologue last night. I wonder why. Sooooo, speaking of 911 calls, Saddam Hussein was officially charged with the genocide of the Kurds recently. I TOLD you guys that the person who makes the 911 call is usually the murderer!

SADDAM
Oh my God the Kurds. All the Kurds! You've gotta send helpohmyGod.

OPERATOR
Sir, just calm down, where are you?

SADDAM
I'm here in...oh no they don't look good. Oh nooooo this is bad these Kurds don't look good.

OPERATOR
Sir, please. Where are you?

SADDAM
(author of this post doesn't remember the name of the town where Saddam ordered the gassing of all those Kurds back in (author doesn't remember the year either))

OPERATOR
Okay, okay, we're sending an ambulance.

SADDAM
Send a really BIG ambulance oh no no.

OPERATOR
Okay, okay, sir, what's going on, just stay on the line and explain what you see.

SADDAM
I was. The Kurds...didn't show up for work today, and so I was worried about them so I came and knocked on the...Kurd...door. And oh NO THE KURDS! They're not good...they look sick. These are some sick Kurds I think they're dying SEND HELP PLEASE!

OPERATOR
Sir, help is on the way, what's wrong with the Kurds.

SADDAM
They look real sick.

OPERATOR
Just sick? What, did...did they eat something or -

SADDAM
I don't know. Oh I don't know oh no the Kurds. It got all foggy and there were planes and...or maybe they just ate something yeah.

OPERATOR
Ate something?

SADDAM
Pie.

OPERATOR
They ate bad pie?

SADDAM
Oh I don't know. This is bad send help they're not...they're not breathing!

OPERATOR
Sir can you tell me what kind of pie the Kurds ate?

SADDAM
Pfff oh I don't...there's no pie left they ate it all so I don't know. Oh no...

OPERATOR
If there's -

SADDAM
They ate all the pie so there is none.

OPERATOR
Then how do you know that -

SADDAM
OHHHHH!

OPERATOR
SIR! Sir remain calm!

SADDAM
OHHHH!

OPERATOR
Sir?

SADDAM
Oh the Kurds.

OPERATOR
(sound of typing)

SADDAM
I was at work before this and now…I knocked on the door but the Kurds didn’t answer and so I had to…knock down the town. The door. And ohno.

OPERATOR
(more typing) Sir, help should be arriving soon. Just stay with the Kurds.

SADDAM
Ohgod!

OPERATOR
What’s wrong sir?

SADDAM
Um. The Kurds.

OPERATOR
Help is coming.

SADDAM
Did I rape you?

OPERATOR
Excuse me?

SADDAM
You sound like someone I raped once.

OPERATOR
Oh, it’s possible I guess,

SADDAM
Yeah. I’m sorry I’m just trying to make chitchat.

OPERATOR
Sir, are any of the Kurds still breathing?

SADDAM
I guess not. I mean. Some were but they got shot.

OPERATOR
Shot?

SADDAM
Hmm. Oh. OH NO SOMEONE SHOT THE KURDS TOO! WHO WERE NOT DEAD FROM THE PIE! Seriously I think I raped you pretty recently.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the Caped Crusader."

2006-04-04T15:36:00.000-04:00

Gotham's very own little boyscout, here to stop ME from carrying out my plans. By the time you and your little bird friend fight off my Goon Platoon, I'll be long gone on the Jokeway! My...Segway. Scooter. Emblazoned with my Joker symbol. Gas is expensive. But THIS kind of gas, I make myself! (PFFT...HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS) Put on your gas masks and get 'em, Goon Platoon!

ZOINK!

FIRCH!

BLARG!

FWUP!

NYUCK!

SBOOB!

FART!

FART!

FART!

Hi there. I'm Cluck Silberfarb, sound effects manager here at "The Post Where Andres Makes Fun Of How Much Liza Minelli Looks Like The Joker In That Particular Photo". Please bear with me, as the sfx console seems to be stuck on, we'll you guessed it. Hey - did you hear that Jerry Garcia's toilet was stolen? It's a nice toilet, but it's always JAMMING. Get it? JAMMING? I suppose I should go back in time to convince people that when they improvise on their musical instruments for long periods of time, they should call it CLOGGING. That would. That would be um. That would make the thing I just, you know, funnier. Okaybacktothepost.

GORP!

(okay the end)

DAN SMITH HAS ALREADY TAUGHT YOU HOW TO PLAY GUITAR!

2006-04-03T12:18:00.000-04:00

That sign would freak me out. You know, to see that sign on a bodega door or something, and then go home and tentatively pick up my girlfriend's guitar, and then voila despite the fact that, to my knowledge, I've never taken a single guitar lesson, I CAN play guitar??? Freak me out. I'm all a twitter just thinking about it.

"When did you teach me how to play the frigging guitar, Dan Smith? WHEN?!?!"

I would cry to the heavens. And then I would begin thinking back. Looking through my notes. My diaries. My memories. Was there any "Lost Time" that I've been unable to account for?

CITYWIDE PANIC AS THOUSANDS SUDDENLY KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE GUITAR. DAN SMITH BROUGHT IN FOR QUESTIONING.

(for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, in NYC there are fliers EVERYWHERE which say "Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar!" and there's a picture of Dan Smith very confidently cradling his guitar. He looks very very confident that YES he will teach you guitar. So I thought...what if the fliers said "Dan Smith Has Already Taught You Guitar." I mean freaky right?)

More scraps from the past. PASTSCRAPS!

2006-03-31T11:47:00.000-05:00

Awhiles back, the GTN gang put up a show at Mo Pitkins that was entirely about knock-knock jokes. Yeah, I know. Anyway, here's the rough draft of the intro I wrote for Birch:

Whew! Hi I’m Dr. Knock Knock, the world’s foremost authority on the knock-knock joke. How did I become so knowledgable about this beautiful comedic artform? Well, after being stripped of my veteranarian license in 1992 , I fled the country in order to evade the deadly spies and assassins of the ASPCA. I found refuge with a small band of fellow disgraced veteranarians among the rugged peaks of the Himalayas. For twelve years I hunted cave rats, milked goats, and wove my own tunics from the coarse hair of the noble Yeti. Also, through a meditative process known as Inward Clenching for six to eight hours a day, I developed the ability to ejaculate a hologram of myself. This proved invaluable when the ASPCA’s assassins finally caught up with us in 2004. As they attacked my milky white doppleganger, I fled down the mountainside in a sled I had built from my own nail clippings and brazil nut husks. (pensively) Yes, there was one brazil nut tree atop our mountain retreat. No one knew how it came to put its roots down there. Perhaps a seed came to rest there in the feces of a Himalayan Condor migrating up from the rain forests of South America. That tree grew tall and strong, and I often practiced my Inward Clenching beneath it. After a heavy snow it loomed over us like a massive, ivory mushroom. And oh how the Yetis would dance around it during a full moon. (snaps out of it) But I digress. I rode my nail clipping and nut husk sled down the mountain to the nearest town where I killed a man for his moped, rode that to the nearest airport then killed another man and used his ticket to hop on a flight back to the states. On board that flight I found a book in the plane’s bathroom – the history of the knock knock joke. I took that book home with me, forgot about it for a year, and then last summer finally perused it. The rest, as they say, is history.

There's something more to that.

2006-03-31T11:38:00.000-05:00

I'm looking at my last post, and it's nagging at me - there's something more to be said about that. Walking into the Sony Music Store, past their racks of CDs, and buying a CD from the Starbucks that's INSIDE The Sony Music Store. I feel like I'm looking at an MC Escher print of interlocking lizards in a house where every which way is up. Incidentally, 'Every Which Way Is Up' is the title of the nevermade Clint Eastwood fistfightflick that takes place in outer space.

Google salami + missile, and I think you'll be surprised!

The Circle of Life

2006-03-31T11:27:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been buying my music at Starbucks and my coffee at the Sony Store. At their Starbucks. Where I buy my music.